The way it has become

[DiaperDiva]

My faith right now, on a scale of 1-10 is a whopping NEGATIVE 1000!

I have taken down the tree and decorations, and I feel so peaceful now. I don't have to be reminded constantly that there will be no gifts for Christmas. I can't even finish the gifts I am making for others.

I feel like I have been lied to, ,and then made to feel guilty, or that I am doing something wrong or not enough. As neat as our church is, yesterdays message really left me feeling sour.

"Open your heart and mind to God. Pray truthfully. Stand naked in the presence of God. Admit your sins, admit you can do nothing without God."

All of these things and more I have done. Not only have I done them, but I BELIEVED them. I believed in my heart the no matter what happened in our lives God would protect us, if only we believed in him.

I feel used, and betrayed.

Where is God? Where is he when my husband's unemployment runs out in February 2003? Where is He? Our mortgage has went up, but if there were a God, couldn't he have waited a little bit longer? The company that has been taking money out of our account unauthorized has just taken 2 more payments out(that is a total of 6 half payments in ONE month!) even after we had our check card cancelled. We cannot deposit Mark's unemployment check into our account because the overdrawn amount will eat it up, and we have bills to pay and groceries to buy. So our account sits overdrawn.

Where is God? I believed in him with ALL of my being and now I feel so foolish!

So where is He?? This MIGHTY God??!!!!!!!!

[merebear]

(((((Oh, sweetie!)))) I get such a sense of pain and fear from you right now. You must be feeling awful. I can only imagine the turmoil you must be feeling to have stopped celebrating the season already.

I'm not going to throw Biblical passages at you or give you pat answers about "God not giving us more than we can handle". While I do believe that there are passages that can help you I think right now you need to know that there are others who will walk beside you during this scary time.

One thing I know... to the depths of my soul I know it... is that God has not abandoned you. He is there with you every step of the way, even if it does not feel like he is and even if it does not look like he is. He is. Our ideas of how that should manifest itself aren't always in sync with how it actually happens, though.

He doesn't always fix the troubling details of our lives. If so, there would be none in poverty or abused or sick. Suffering exists in this world. But the evidence for God's presence is overwhelming. Look at your precious daughter, Kailey. If you took all of the components of a clock and tossed them in the air, would it form a clock when it landed? Imagine the intelligent planning that it took to create the completely unique person of baby Kailey.

You've loved God and he is there with you... he's in the comforting hug you get from your husband... he's in the laughter of your sweet daughter... and he's leading you here to friends who care about you and want to encourage you.

There's a fascinating story-logue at The God Who is There.Com. It deals with human tragedy on epic proportions like the Holocaust and 9/11. You're not the first person to wonder where God is... and you surely won't be the last to discover that he was there all along.

[dfoy]

(((Diaper Diva)))
I know how you feel....I've been there. In the span of 2 years I lost both my mom and dad to cancer and went through a very nasty divorce. That was 13 years ago. I have felt, at times, in a word, deserted.

Being brought up a preacher's kid, I saw my parents adhere to the rules and rituals of Christianity. Their faith never (openly) waivered when they were both sick and dying (they were both relatively young....early 60's). As a matter of fact, my mother continued to distribute her bible verse cards to everyone she came in contact with.

I think that they believed that God doesn't promise you anything in return for your faith other than eternal life. He doesn't promise you $, fame, fortune, wisdom, opportunity, not even earthly happiness. I think our televangelists and large, impersonal churches have been giving people messages that if you believe in God, do everything he tells you to, you will be rewarded on earth. I don't read that anywhere in the Bible, nor do I see it as an interpretation. Think of Jonah. Think of Abraham (God did stop him from killing his son, but just to be asked to do that after not being able to have children all those years!).

Anyway, my faith has taken quite a different path in these last 13 years than my faith of my childhood and young adulthood. I always had a hard time believing in exclusionary Christianity. My spirituality is much more "me" now than something someone else has told me that I should believe. Kind of a melding of different faiths; Christianity, Pagan, Buddhism, Zen. I found a church that supports those ideas; Unitarian Universalist. It is a church that respects all faiths. But that's the path I've taken. You have to find what is right for you.

Obviously this is causing you much pain. Perhaps talking with a pastor about your situation and how it has hit your faith hard.

hugs

[DiaperDiva]

YES!!! NM, I knew you would be just what I needed!!!

I am so confused. I mean I DID believe in God, so how could I suddenly NOT believe, now THAT doesn't make sense.

Perhaps it is Satan telling me these things, in his oh so tricky way. Dang him!!!

My MIL just sent me an email that also did not help- GRR!
I need to get back ontrack and I think your post put me in the mind frame to open my bible and just soak up some of that good ol' fashion WORD.

Thanks again for reminding me!

[Meiri]

After you've gotten yourself recentered by soaking up Word, my advice would be to contact the bank again about the reccurring THEFT from your account, and then contact a lawyer for some legal advice, perhaps the bank can reccomend one?

Perhaps they'll let you open another account that the achool can't dip into so that bills can paid. Can you cash his paycheck and get cashier's checks ffor cheep to pay the bills? One of our local groceries does those for 59 cents.

You might give the police a call, theft is theft and perhaps they can investigate what the h is going on and why it's continuing.

Suing that school in Small Claims Court may be another option, but I don't know what the $$$ limits are for that.

[DiaperDiva]

Hi Meiri~

We have sent in dispute papers, and our bank has canceelled the checkcard so they can't extract any more money from our account I have documented EVERY phone conversation with this training school. Our bank says they are REALLY good at getting money back, and said to wait at least 30 days, ,and if we don't see a credit to our account then to go ahead with getting an attorney.

And check this out! On Nov 8th someone called from this placee and we explained the situation. My husband and this person made an agreement to take a HALF payment of 93.46. Well, since then and in less than a month SIX more of these half payments have been taken out. We have been calling them and NOW they agree to take the 93.46 a month. Our next payment being on 12/27. Pretty frickin weord how they said at first "oh no, your DH signed a legal agreement, we can't go against it." yet now that I have said, you won't get any more moeny from us because of what you have done, NOW they want to accept it. UGH!

First off they aren't getting JACK until we get our money back. The nI will gladly pay the 93.46 until Mark is emplyed, then I want to pay that PLUS whatever it takes to get us brought back up to where we should be. GRRRR!!!

ANyway so that portion of the mudpile is under control, sort of.

NOW, for the good part. I just received, well, Mark just received an email from a woman I applied for a job for Mark with, and she sends info about a job she says Mark is VERY qualified. In fact she said his resume and detail of skills was IMPRESSIVE!!!!!!

So we went and officially applied for this job and are now waiting for then to send us access info for their pre-employment test.

Hee hee!! and the best part is that it is in MICHIGAN!!!! closer to Mark's awesome dad and stepmom!!!!!! Ok so it's across the state from them but OH WELL! Better then 17 hours away!

So sistas keep on a prayin!!! Or chanting or boogie dancin!

[Meiri]

Good!

I'm glad to read that things are looking up for you on all fronts.

I have this thing about doing the spiritual thing about a problem, but also handling it on the mundane level at the same time.

I did a spell/working once that the vandals breaking people's car windows on the street where our first apt was get caught, but the next full moon(when the incidents were happening) we went ahead and stayed at the new apartment we were moving into so that our car was off That street.

[DiaperDiva]

Meiri~ I was thinking about that today. How it is great to pray and be spiritual, but aslo do whatever you can in this world to correct a situation.

BTW, Mark scored a 96% on the pre-employment test It was for mechanical/engineering/mathematics (er..I think that was all of it)

[sunmountain]

s to you DD. I have been there.

[Meiri]

A 96, Good Job!!!

[DiaperDiva]

Well, this morning, or early afternoon I am going in to speak to our assistant pastor. He is really down to earth, speaks in ENGLISH and seems to think he can help.

Of course I will refrain from any food or beverage, just in case it's spiked with hallucinagens LOL!

[DaryLLL]

DiaperDiva--

I saw your peeing thread on TAO, and I have one question--

Does this mean you can put your tree back up??!!!

I hope so!

[marymom]

your God is where you need him to be, just reading your email is testimony to that, soooooo glad youre feeling so much better sweetie

[lilyka]

DD - I have nothing constructive to add. It really sucks when things come crashing down and God seems to be millions of miles away.

In the mean time I will be praying for you and I know a lot of other people here will be to. So don't worry of you don't feel like it because we've got you covered

hugs,
Sandra

[jjdoula]

Oh BIG BIG HUGS!!

I have been in a similar struggle lately. We are in serious financial trouble..so bad that we threw together a garage sale last month to pull together enough for the mortgage..ugh. I am so thankful I have been picking up fabric and other crafty stuff on sale over the past year, because I have been able to make gifts for our entire extended family and church friends for about $10.

The thing I have been struggling with is my faith,,and resting in that. I used to be a single mother to two, and every single month I was just not sure how it was all going to come together,,but I had this amazing peace about it. I knew that I was not the head of my household,,God was,,and as long as I allowed, it would all work out in the end,,and it did. So why has it been such a struggle for me to find that peace now? I have spent the past few years getting used to my husband being the head of the household, and suddenly when things are so scarey I don't have that same faith I did. I have been praying with my friends from church specifically for that,,,just a peace. I have so needed a renewal in my faith,,I suddenly realize in my mission to build a solid foundation in my marriage, I have been neglecting the most important part.

But I wanted to share something I have found. We are completing a study titled "Freedom in Christ" by Beth Moore..AMAZING! But one of the weeks the point was that God does not cause things to happen to us..but He will sometimes allow us to go through hard times.

But..this is the good part...He WILL NOT allow us to go through any sort of struggle that will not make us stronger/better/wiser/more loving so on in the end.

Just like the purest gold is put through a fire to be refined,,so are Gods children. You are in the fire..and I know I am feeling some scorch marks myself..but it is nothing that will not make us more beautiful and faithful in the end.

Hang in there! I keep telling my husband that this year will be the one we remember most 20 years from now,,the year we struggled eating beans and rice, keeping a fire in the wood stove for warmth, homemade gifts, and the growing. Those years that aren't a struggle will just fade away..we are focusing on creating great memories for our children,,which are really the best gifts of all.

[DaryLLL]

Originally posted by jjdoula


But..this is the good part...He WILL NOT allow us to go through any sort of struggle that will not make us stronger/better/wiser/more loving so on in the end.

Well, I'm glad you feel encouraged, but I don't agree with this part. I know it is a popular platitude. Lots of people are dished out such a hard life: they end up dead from abuse at an early age, dead in a war zone (aka an inner city gang war, as well as the actual war zones), dished out AIDs or alcohol syndrome from birth, sold into prostitution in some countries where you can do this, etc. These people are not being refined in some kind of godly fire, they are suffering, lonely, sick, injured. Then they die young, or if they survive physically, may live lives of quiet desperation, hunger, poverty, and horror. Not somehow become wiser, more lovng, etc, as a result of the abuse. They may actually become bitter and greedy, perhaps drug addicted, if anything.

That said, I have been thru some "holy fires" and have become more compassionate and wiser as a result, but that is not necc the only way it may turn out.

I beleive in reincarnation, that we choose lives to live, and we may choose a hard life to fully flesh out our experience of what it means to be human. Then we finally reach enlightenment, and if we chose to lead as a boddhisatva, we can relate to all people in all kinds of life situations, help lead them to a better life and connection to the Godhead.

[jjdoula]

Thanks for making that clearer NM,,,I sometimes hear it in my head clearer than I can put it in words.. Especially when there are intense feelings behind it!

[cobluegirl]

We have to remember that our blessings are not always on this earth either. Our blessings are in heaven. I have an aunt who is married to the biggest self righteous jerk and I can't imagine the blesssings she will have in heaven because of all the crap she has put up with. She is daily in a battle with him. She would leave but she has 4 kids (in 5 years) and she can't afford to leave and take care of her children at the same time. She will eventually leave if she can ever afford to. I know God will bless her for putting up with him as long as she has that cross to carry.

Keep us updated DD. My prayers are with you. I can't help think of Job. I can't imagine having been in his place. I surely would have cursed God. Some one mentioned Beth Moore....she is great and she is the most in love person with God that I have ever heard speak. She has had her own trials in this life as well.

[DiaperDiva]

Thanks ladies.

Although I am still uncertain of what I believe, I feel God is taking great efforts in showing He is all around us.

Yesterday the HR person for the company Mark is interviewing for in Michigan called and wants to do a facee to facee with him here in Durham. They have an appointment set up for 10:30 am tomorrow(Tuesday). He was worried because we have no money for gas and was going to possibly cancel this interview. Well, I was washing his pants for tomorrow and as I was taking them out of the washer I found 15 dollars! So now he has gas to get up there!

We also have found how supportive and encouraging friends and family are around us. Our church hasn't given up on us either. Our assistant pastor call often to see how we are. It feels nice.

Thank you all for your thoughts

[cobluegirl]

Praise God DD!! That is so cool. I love it when God shows me He is there is such a simple way. I so glad your church is comforting you as well. Too many churches have forgotten how to do that. Prayers over the interview today!!