Help! New Baby has Created Difficult 2 year old

[Pelgie]

We've been raising our 2 year old (3 in late October) with all the attachment parenting principles including gentle discipline. It has all worked well until we had our new baby 6 weeks ago. I know this is a time of adjustment for all involved but our 2 year old is really demonstrating a lot of poor behaviors just to get attention.

Here is what we have been doing so far: 1) giving him as much attention as we can 2) telling him we love him and he is special to us 3) trying to praise him for good behaviors, etc. We've tried using charts to give positive "prizes" for good behavior and this has helped to a mild degree. We've tried giving him time outs which don't really work for him. We've tried giving his toys "time outs" until the next day and this works sometimes. Bottom line is that he is still choosing to demonstrate bad behaviors quite frequently: refusing to nap, poking & light hitting of me, DH and baby, making a mess of every room in the house just for the sake of it, etc. I feel like I'm fighting with him way too much and it is getting exhausting.

Any ideas would be more than welcome.

THanks,

[Best Feeling]

I think you all are still in the early stages of adjusting to the new baby. I know we started to settle into being a family of 4 when the new babe was about 2 months old. I would continue to use GD instead of "fighting him" for the behaviors you described:

refusing to nap

Could it be that he is phasing out naps? Perhaps you can try to institute a "rest time" instead of nap time. Lay down (maybe somewhere besides his bed/the family bed) and listen to music, rest on a chair outside in the shade, etc. I've been doing that with my newly 2yo and trying to time it around the baby's nap so that we can "rest" together.

poking & light hitting of me, DH and baby

We experienced a LOT of this and I remember how maddening it would be for me. I think I said, "we don't hit, hitting hurts" a million times and did a lot of redirection for this. Now our oldest gives lots of loves to her baby sister

making a mess of every room in the house just for the sake of it

Well, I know you said "just for the sake of it" and I know it probably seems that way. But I'm guessing he is just seeking attention. Even if you are giving him TONS of attention, he is not used to sharing you with another little one and it will take some time to adjust.

Hang in there mama, it will get better!

[dillonandmarasmom]

nak...

btdt. my ds is 28 mos. and dd is 4 mos. as of about a month ago he is wonderful with her. he used to pinch her and try to dig his finger into her head or legs...she's very rolly poly. when he would do this i would redirect his pinching to a pillow or doll and say pinching hurts, you may pinch the pillow but not your sister...it was a very very repetitive process, and dd eventually began smiling at him which caused him to fall in love with her. i tried a time out a couple of times with him, not him alone, and told him that we were leaving his sister to play with daddy until he was ready to be gentle and loving. he was usually ready to try again immediately.

now i find him pinching his leg or the air if he feels lkike pinching, then he gets it out of his system so he can be gentle...i imagine he needs to get that anxiousness or silliness out so he isn't too rough. i feel pretty comfortable with the 2 of them together now.

oh, and i wore dd a lot at first. can you do this? it really helps to give number 1 attention. he just may forget you have baby on you as my ds would.

good luck, hang in there and hugs!

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom

nak...
eventually began smiling at him which caused him to fall in love with her. i tried a time out a couple of times with him, not him alone, and told him that we were leaving his sister to play with daddy until he was ready to be gentle and loving. he was usually ready to try again immediately.

Yeah, the big smiles and giggles seem to have made a big difference for us, too! We had the same situation, and it did get better pretty quickly. She's soooo loving and sweet to him now, it's great.

You might already do this, but here's what my pediatrician recommended and what seemed to make a difference. When the little one goes to sleep, I put him on the couch in the Boppy and spend 20-30 minutes solely playing w/my dd. I put the dogs outside, don't answer the phone or the door, and just play whatever she wants, however she wants. And I time it, because it is hard to do! I think this might be easier for parents who work, but when we're together all day, she's involved in everything I do, but I didn't realize how little time was completely devoted to her.

Anyway, it might have just been that she had adjusted, but within about 2 days this made a HUGE difference. No more hitting, no more lashing out at her brother, it was great.

Good luck, it will pass before you know it!

[Suzetta]

When our new baby entered the scene, I took a very different approach. Rather than going out of my way to make sure the older child didn't feel bad, I just made it very matter-of-fact, as if having a new baby was no big deal. When an issue came up, I would say something to the effect of "New babies need lots of love and attention. Come sit next to mama while she feeds the baby", and make her a part of the fun and love being shared.

Your new baby will never have as much attention as the first did...but it is okay to make the first understand that now mommy (and toys) must be shared.

I had many people try to convince me that I should make a special effort to put the older child on a pedastool and not go overboard with the baby so that the toddler wouldn't feel left out. I don't agree with this. When the toddler was a baby, she got lots of attention...and the new baby deserves nothing less! I think it is important for the toddler to know that mama did all these things for her too.

Also helpful was to have a real looking baby doll for the toddler to have. She liked changing it's diaper, feeding it, and rocking it to sleep. It really helped her work through some feelings, having her own "baby".

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Suzetta

When our new baby entered the scene, I took a very different approach. Rather than going out of my way to make sure the older child didn't feel bad, I just made it very matter-of-fact, as if having a new baby was no big deal.

Suzetta, I tried this w/my dd, too! To some extent, it has worked. I haven't made a whole lot of concessions or tried to keep up the pre-baby status quo, but I realized pretty quickly I had to recognize my dd's feelings, whether they were positive or not. Because it was DEFINITELY a big deal to her.