3 yr old obsessed with violent play & the word 'kill'

[chiedza]

My DS, age 3, has a very active imagination and loves to pretend. The trouble is ... he often pretends that he is killing things, and if he sees a bug he tries to stomp on it, talks about killing it, etc.

I hope that doesn't sound worse than it is! In general he is great and I'm not at all concerned about his mental health or any thing like that. This is a small part of his overall play.

But ... I would like to discourage this. I've tried telling him that I don't like the word "kill," that killing is mean, that he can talk about "scaring" his imaginary creatures instead of "killing" them, etc. I've also told him we should not hurt any real creatures, tried to get him to empathize, etc. All to no avail.

Any suggestions?

[BathrobeGoddess]

At age 3, many children kill things that are scary to them, either in their imaginative play or through killing actual creature (like bug for example). Bugs are sort of scary and stepping on them proves to the child that he is bigger and stronger. You might want to talk about what it is like for the bug, how scary it is for the bug to see his foot coming down. he might get that and then be able to really see how he is hurting. It is very normal and I suggest you ask your ds lots of questions about who and why he needs to hurt whatever he is hurting instead of discouraging him from doing it. Talking about it in a non-threatening, free of judgement may help your ds verbalize his fears and get through this phase more quickly.

[annab]

Totally normal. My DS is doing the same thing right now. "If there are bad guys, I will wack them with my stick and kill them." He also is very into the deaths of me and DH. He has told me on several occasions how he will put me in a box, put me on a big truck, dig a hole and bury me. He says it in a very loving manner, like I was worried that someone would not do this for me.

We are trying to say that swords, guns (of which we have none, real or play) or sticks can freeze people for 20 seconds. That way he can play things out without saying the word 'kill' all the time and making mommy's irritation level rise.

[arwenevenstar]

Ditto here too!

I have to say my blood curdles every time I hear him say it, but as he often uses it in totally the wrong context too I am not too worried yet that he will be a delinquent!!

[mamazee]

My dd is three and has started talking about killing all the time and is pretending to kill things when she plays too.

I'm just watching and hoping she'll outgrow it soon.

[chiedza]

Well I'm glad to hear it's pretty normal behaviour for this age. Does anyone have any other ideas for how to teach empathy?

[BathrobeGoddess]

here is a pretty simple article about early empathy...
http://www.4children.org/news/501teach.htm

[loraxc]

Have you read Playful Parenting? I think there's a thread about it over in The Childhood Years. Anyway, the author suggests that the way to deal with this kind of obsession is to "play through it" with the child, turning the game around as you go. I haven't tried it yet, as my DD is too young for this stuff, but I thought it was a very interesting take on this kind of behavior. I'm sure the folks in the other thread could give you some thoughts.

[Marsupialmom]

Please read Playful Parenting. These momments are normal and ok to have but you can also use them to teach.

Remeber death is also a hard concept for children to learn and understand. He might be struggling with the learning of that concept.

[Starflower]

Just checking out what to expect in the next year or so with my DD. Thanks for the info. Playful Parenting is on my list anyway. Maybe I'll bump it up.

[fire_lady]

Thats normal.
I suggest that you lessen his exposure to violence or any violent toys. I dont allow my brothers to watch violent cartoons or any programs with violent content and I dont buy him toys like guns and swords. And Im explaining to him that killing is not good same thing with hurting others.

[chiedza]

He has no violent toys of any kind. And the most violent thing he ever watched was the Lion King (I was appalled at the violence in that and we won't be watching it again). I think, though, that he interacts with kids at preschool who may be more exposed to violent toys than he is and has picked up some of this "kill" fascination there. It sounds like, from the advice here, there isn't much I can do beyond what I'm already doing. Oh well!

[sophsmom]

"Playful Parenting" does discuss this a lot. One of the suggested responses is to turn the gun into a "love gun". Get him to shoot you, then say you've been shot with the love gun and chase him around giving him hugs and kisses- acting silly and like you've just drunk a gallon of love potion.

There is also a great passage on page 138.... "....I overcome my own pacifism and gentle nature in order to throw myself enthusiastically into games about killing and fighting and mass destruction. I insert a little reality into the play here and there- "Ouch, that must hurt!"- and I insert as much closeness as possible. I fall over dead on top of them if I get shot, cower behind them if an enemy is nearby, take any excuse to be physically and emotionally close. With boys and girls, the Playful Parenting approach is to join in first, then gradually lead them out of the spot where they are stuck. ..."

Hope that helps a little. I would recommend the book.

[slinginhipmama]

My almost 4 year has been doing the same things! I'm so glad to hear how normal it is!! I was beginning to wonder where I had gone wrong??? I do have to add that it started about 8 mos ago and is "dying" (sorry lack of a better word) down. I used to try to correct him, but felt it only made him want to "play" in that way more. Ds does have a wooden sword that I did take away from him but only found that he would use sticks or other random things so I gave it back to him explaining that it was for protection, not for hurting. He did get the point and plays well and not so aggressively. I don't know if was the talk we had or his age but whatever it was, he is much better with the sword.

[slinginhipmama]

Just wanted to add one more thing....Ds doesn't watch much tv (only a 1/2 hr video each night before bed and these videos are sing alongs or beatrix potter cartoon). We don't allow toy guns or video games either. Sometimes I think kids just get fascinated and absorbed in their imagination, the fact that they really don't understand what killing is just another way for them to pretend.