Parent-aided transition to pre-K?

[mogit]

My DS, just turned four, will be starting a TTH Mother's Day Out program on Sept. 1. He is definitely interested in playing with other children (seeks them out on the playground, in stores, etc.) but is apprehensive about going to school without me. I want to help him adjust gradually to the new setting.

A little background: I enrolled DS in a similar program at another school last fall, but took him out after only a day and a half. The very first day, his teacher left him behind in a bathroom on another floor, then tried to cover up, as did the director! Fortunately, DS is very verbal and was able to tell me what happened, and I later confirmed his story with the director.

Anyway, in the day and a half that DS was in this first school, he cried off and on, mostly during transitions and when overwhelmed by the noise of 12 children. (He was an only child at the time, with a quiet personality.) When I took him out of the school, I told DS that we would find another school that would let me stay with him until he felt comfortable going on his own. (I didn't want to tell him I didn't feel safe sending him back to his first school; I thought he might worry about safety at the next school.) The other programs I had looked at were of course full by then, so we waited till this year. I had thought the adjustment would be easier at 4, since DS is much more independent and interested in other children now; however, now that school time is approaching, DS is saying he doesn't want to go without me and his baby sister (almost 9 months).

So to get to my point (finally!), I am trying to think out in advance the best way to help DS make the transition to preschool, which I am sure he can do if given enough time. I have talked to the teacher and director at the new school and explained our situation, and they said that while they think it is "better" for parents to leave their children ASAP, they are "willing to work with us." DS (like all the others in his class) will have a private 20-minute meeting with his teacher in the classroom this Friday, and next week all the kids will meet together for 1/2 hour in a sort of dry run for the first day.

Have any of you helped your DC adjust gradually to a preschool program, and if so, how did you do it? Did you hang out in the classroom all day for a while? Wait outside? Pick DC up early for the first few weeks? Go away but check back in at pre-arranged times, say at recess and again at lunchtime? Keep in mind that I will have a squirmy, almost-crawling baby with me! Oh, and I am a single mom, so no DH to help out.

I would write more about my own thoughts, but this post is long enough already, and I need to go get supper on the table. Thanks!

[lauren]

Mogit I remember your story from last year about your ds being left in the bathroom! I hope this has not made your ds too worried about school.

I think it's good that you were up-front with the new school. Your ds may surprise you in his adjustment if the staff are prepared to help him transition and have lots of great toys. He might want to bring a "transitional object" with him if they allow this--something that keeps you "with him" in symbolic sense (a special stone, or something else you give him to keep while you are apart). Many have found The Kissing Hand book to be very helpful as a way to introduce a nice ritual for being apart at school. (check an online bookstore to see it).
It helps to be very positive about the experience yourself so that he doesn't pick up on any anxieties that you may have.

I wish you a really smooth transition this time, and I hope the teachers will work with you so that you can feel really comfortable.

[mogit]

Thanks, Lauren. I don't think the bathroom incident left as big a mark on DS as it did on me (fortunately!) His concern is being in a new situation without me.

The Kissing Hand was recommended to me last year as well. I bought a copy of it today and read it to DS four times before bed. Obviously, it struck a chord with him! He even gave his baby sister a kiss on the palm so she could have a kissing hand, too.

I am doing my best to appear excited and confident about DS's entry into preschool. The reason I wanted to hear from other parents who had stayed with their DC during the transition is that I would like to have a plan in case DS gets very upset when it is time for me to leave. I am not willing to leave him in that state (and yes, I know all the arguments for doing just that), but I don't want to hesitate in the doorway and risk getting him more agitated because I haven't thought through what to do. I think his transition will be easier if I am matter of fact in whatever I choose to do.

So I will ask again: Has anyone stayed in or near the classroom during DC's first days of school? Anyone picked up early? Checked in at mid-morning? I want to have a plan so I can stay calm if DS is not!

[messy mama]

Not me personally, but just this week my SIL sent her little guy off to Pre school. He is 4 too, BTW. This is what she did.

The first day was a "get aquainted" day. They just stayed there, all together, for an hour. She said he was a little clingy and wanted her next to him the whole time. That kind of worried her because that is completely out of character, for him.

The next day she stayed the whole 3 hours. The teacher said for the first week parents could stay as long as they needed to. He went about the room and played while his mom sat back and watched. He came over to show her things every once in a while. But he participated in the classroom activities. SIL said she could have left earlier, but she really enjoyed watching him in that setting, she just didn't want to leave.

The third day she told him that she was probably going to leave him after awhile, if he felt OK w/ that. She waited about 20 min then asked him if it was OK if she left. He smiled, said OK, waved good bye and went on his merry way.

The fourth day (today) my brother went w/ SIL and did basically the same thing as the third day and everything was great.

Now staying that long w/ a baby will probably be a lot more difficult. But you may not need to stay that long. SIL said she didn't need to, she just wanted to.

I probably wouldn't plan on coming back and checking in on him. Because if he is doing fine when you leave, he'll probably continue to do well. Maybe you could let the teacher know that you want to be called immediately if he does get upset.

I'm sure he'll do fine. Just as I'm sure you'll now what to do if a problem does arise.

[mogit]

Well, DS met his teacher and co-teacher on Friday in the classroom, and I think the visit helped. He did want me and the baby in the room the whole time (20 minutes), but with us there, seemed at ease with the teachers. We were able to spend some time on the playground afterwards, and met a little boy who will be in the same class.

I talked to DS's teacher a bit more about how to ease DS's transition. I wish SHE had said all parents were welcome to stay as long as needed the first week, but she didn't. She said she was willing to work with us, but seemed to want to minimize the time I spent in the room. A couple of her suggestions I rejected (setting a timer and leaving after 5 minutes--I'd rather do what your SIL did, messy mama, and leave when DS says he's ready--and "sneaking out," which would probably take DS a year to get over, I'm not kidding!) What we came up with was that I would help DS get settled and then leave (the room, not necessarily the school) after an unspecified length of time. Then I will come back early, and be with DS for outdoor play time and story.

I told DS our plan, and he seemed relieved to know I would be back at the end of his morning. I'm still not sure how he will react when I leave initially, though. I did tell his teacher that I won't leave him crying and resisting. I also reassured her that I did not intend to attend school with him the whole year! So teacher and I are coming from different perspectives, obviously, but I hope we can meet somewhere in the satisfactory middle. DS's class will meet for half and hour on Tuesday, with parents present, so that should help put DS a little more at ease.

Glad to hear your nephew's intro to pre-K went so well, messy mama. I'm sure the teacher's willingness to let parents stay close-by in the beginning helped a lot.

[lauren]

WEll, it sounds half decent, maybe not all that you'd hoped for, but the teacher sounds receptive. When is the first day?

[mogit]

The half-hour meeting with the whole class is Tuesday. First day of school is Thursday. Wish us luck! :

[4evermom]

How'd it go? My ds is having a hard time with the school transition and I'm hoping to hear a happy ending to your story.

I thought I'd picked out a great school for my ds that would be a little warm and fuzzy, something about their talking about treating everyone respectfully . Much to my dismay the teacher is not only NOT warm and fuzzy, but she has a very authoritarian style. My ds is afraid she will make him do things against his will if I'm not there for protection, and he's right. I plan to not stay tomorrow (I'm even planning on having dh take him on his way to work). I just hope he gets into the car...

[mogit]

Well, the first day went OK, but it has been downhill from there. I am probably going to take DS out of school. (Fortunately, I have that option.)

DS does OK as long as he knows I am nearby, but he gets VERY upset when I say goodbye. The first day I did actually leave and then come back early, but since then, DS has been crying and clinging to me when I tell him it is time for me to go. He told me (via a toy bear who is also having school issues!) that he is afraid I will leave and never come back!

The teacher has been very patient with both of us, I would say, given that the school does not encourage parents to hang around. I didn't mention this earlier, but I adopted DS (at 5 months) and the teacher, who has just been approved for a foster-adopt program, is sensitive to his "special circumstances," as she puts it. I personally think DS's personality and age have at least as much to do with his reaction to separation as his adoption does, but if someone is willing to cut us some slack for any reason, I am not going to complain!

Anyway, the teacher agrees that it would not be right to forcibly take DS away from me, which is what it would take since he absolutely refuses to let go. She thought if I talked in a very confident way to him about my saying goodbye at a certain point, DS would be OK, but that hasn't worked either.

I think I just misjudged DS's readiness for preschool. I could see he was ready to play with other children and assumed this meant he was also ready to leave me, but now I see these are two separate issues. DS does enjoy a lot of the school activities and has played with a couple of classmates, but I think I can find similar experiences and playmates for him without forcing him to separate from me before he is ready. And I think if I take off the pressure and just give him time to mature, he will eventually decide on his own that he will be OK in (some future) school without me. He has come to everything else in time.

I did finally suggest to DS last Friday that maybe he just wasn't ready for preschool yet, and he seemed very relieved to hear that he had other options! He had been acting out a bit since just before school began, but now he is back to his (mostly) happy and affectionate self. We are planning to skip pre-K this Tues. to check out a quasi-preschool that allows parents and their children the use of a preschool (actually Sunday school) classroom and playground. I know the group won't have all the bells and whistles that DS's preschool does, and the other kids will likely be younger, but I think it will be more our speed. If I do withdraw DS from his school, I also want to check out a homeschool playgroup for 4-6 year olds. I don't really consider us homeschoolers, since DS isn't even K age yet, but I would like to find out more about homeschooling, in case DS isn't ready to separate next year either.

So is that a "happy ending," 4evermom? I certainly wish you and your DS a happy ending. How old is he? What were your reasons for enrolling him in preschool? What have you and his teacher tried to make the adjustment easier for him? It's tough, isn't it, watching our DC struggle? to both of you!

[4evermom]

Ds just turned 4 in August. I thought he'd love school because he's bored at home and I don't have tons of energy. He is fine in general with separating from me but I think he just doesn't feel "safe" at school. If the teachers were more nurturing, he'd probably have made the transition fine. I stayed the first day, outside the classroom, and ds was upset that the teacher didn't let him go out to find me. The second day, I stayed for a while and he let me leave when the teacher said "let's go build a sandcastle!" It turns out, according to ds, that she was "tricking" him as she didn't go help him build a sandcastle. Day 3 was a Monday and I stayed. He got upset again when he wasn't allowed to come running out to me after music class in another building. Day 4, at the director's suggestion, I left to get coffee in the cafeteria. Again, ds got upset because they wouldn't let him come find me (a new pot needed to be brewed, so it was a while). We skipped Wednesday. Thursday, I stayed which was disruptive because ds kept running over to me instead of participating, coming to me when the teacher told him to do something, etc. Friday, ds stayed home with a cold. I decided my presence was making things worse. Today, I had dh drive him. Ds was upset to be left. I know he will seem fine to the teachers but I also know he won't feel fine. He still has a cold and, ordinarily, I would have kept him home but I was afraid a prolonged absence would make school seem scarier.

Unfortunately, I had to sign a year contract, so I still have to pay a full year's tuition if we withdraw ds. Another reason I decided to send ds to pre-k is that kindergarten is full day and I thought that was too big of a first step. I think this school was a mistake but can't decide if the benefits will outway the drawbacks. I know that the school will think I didn't give them a chance if I don't leave ds there for a number of days (not that what they think matters, unless there is a chance that they would release us from the contract). Pretty much, I'm kicking myself for choosing this school. It seemed very nurturing but now I think it's a bit like bootcamp. I don't know if the other grades are better (just one class per grade so no chance of switching).

[mogit]

I'm sorry, 4evermom, the school (or at least your ds's teacher) does not sound very nurturing. And to "trick" a 4-year-old into saying goodbye to his mother!

I can see why you are trying to stick it out, though, if you signed a one-year contract. I took DS out of his preschool on Tuesday and will lose this month's tuition (of course) and possibly a one month's deposit as well, if the school can't find another child to take DS's place. It was only a TTh program, though, so a month's tuition was not a whole lot.

How is your ds doing this week? Was it easier when your dh dropped him off? Maybe with a little more time your ds will adjust to the rigid rules of the classroom and be able to enjoy the other children and activities. Or perhaps you could find a way out of the contract, if you could show that the school is not as advertised?

My DS was 4 in August, too. I also thought he would enjoy being around other kids, and that he would benefit from at least some preschool experience before K next year. I think I can manage to meet his social needs through playgroups, parent-child classes, trips to the playground, etc. Not sure what we will do about K, though. Public K is full-day here, too. I think I will probably go the private, half-day route instead, or perhaps homeschool.

I'll be thinking of you and your ds, wishing you both an easier time. Please let us know how it goes. (BTW, I know what you mean about your ds seeming OK to the teachers but not really being OK inside. My ds's teacher kept telling me DS was "fine" when he wasn't thinking about separating from me, and I know he did enjoy some things, but I also know he had a lot of anxiety building up inside. He is much more relaxed again now.)

[4evermom]

Drop off with dh was pretty rough. The next day, grandma dropped him off, which went great (except the part about getting in the car without me ). When I picked him up they said he had a good day, but ds looked very tired and sad. He was very upset that night, as in too upset to fall asleep, so I told him he would stay home the next day (Wed). I told him that I thought going to school everyday was too much so he would go Mon, Wed, and Fri. Consequently, I kept him home Thurs of this week as well. Today, Friday, I dropped him off, kept it short and sweet. He did cry but not more than when I put him in the car Tuesday. At least he napped properly (his usual 3 hours) the past two days that I kept him home and he tanked up on food as well. He didn't eat breakfast this morning so I brought a banana and some crackers in case he got really hungry after the stress of going to school wore off. The assistant teacher said "well... we only have food at snack time. We can't really make exceptions because of the other children. We'll do it just this once." This is the morning after parents night when they told the parents how sensitive they are to the children's individual needs, etc BS. I told her it was possible that ds wouldn't even want it but that I wanted it available just in case and that I wanted her to know he hadn't eaten anything today. I was also annoyed this morning because when I asked ds if he wanted to hang up his backpack or if he wanted me to do it, the assistant teacher told me that I really should make him do it. WTF does it matter? I know he can, he knows he can, she knows he can. Why do people think you should make kids do things just because they can? It's not like this is a skill he needs to learn or practice. This is a little boy who wants a little extra nurturing before he is thrown to the wolves.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I suppose I should have started my own thread but either people would tell me he just has to get used to it or pull him out and homeschool. And of course, nothing is that simple.

[mogit]

Feel free to piggyback on my thread. Our/our dss' experiences are actually pretty similar, I think.

Re: the backpack incident. I don't know why some preschools stress independence so much. At the first preschool we tried, when DS was just 3, the parent handbook stated that parents should walk their children to class, not carry them! First of all, no one has the right to tell me I can't carry my own child. Second, as you say, what is wrong with giving the child a little extra love and security before he has to face a classful of strangers on his own? What are they going to ban next, goodbye kisses? Grrrr.

I wish I had some good advice to give you, but at this point all I have to offer is empathy. It is tough to be stuck between the "get used to it" and the "just homeschool" camps. I was there myself for a few weeks, and may be there again in another year.

Have you seen the other transition thread going on now? Haven't had time to reread it, but perhaps that one might help you. Best of luck to you and your ds.

[4evermom]

Some book that I just read talks about everyone having a "baby self" and a "mature self." When children are at home or with their primary caretaker, their "baby self" surfaces. When they are at school or with people with whom they feel less secure, their "mature self" surfaces. So the teachers see the kids acting needier and more dependant in our presence which is completely normal, but they think it's a problem that can be solved by us not responding to the emotional needs of our children's "baby self." I can see that if one can get the child to walk into a class by himself, it would mean that he turned on his "mature self" already and the teachers would see that he was acting less dependant and saying goodbye more easily.

I think the ideal situation would be a one on one meeting with the teacher before school started so that ds felt he knew the teacher, which I wish we had. Then, being allowed to stay outside the classroom as long as neccessary with dc able to come and go at will. My ds freaked out because they wouldn't let him leave the room to get me until everyone was lined up and ready to go out. This made him clingier so he would no longer go into the classroom without me, resulting in my going in with him. I think if I stayed in one spot doing something boring, he would have just ping ponged back and forth between me and the classroom and the classroom would have been more interesting. Ds (and I) got a very bad first impression because of all the recitation of rules starting with No or Don't, with a bunch of "you have to" thrown into the mix. The teacher feels she needs to be controlling and get the kids to do certain things. She also spent very little time trying to forge connections with the kids individually.

There is a Montessori school a little farther away that I am going to look into for next year. Meanwhile, I am going to try taking ds on Mondays, Wednesdays , and Fridays. I'm sure the teacher won't be thrilled with this idea as she thought ds had a hard time last Friday because I had kept him home two days in a row.