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I have a blended family question...

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
Okay, a little background first, so this makes some sence.
I'm not married yet, but have been with dp for a while and we have a baby girl due next month. Me and my ex have gotten along pretty well, niether of us have problems with who each other is dating etc.
Well, my dd (almost 3) came home from her dads the other day, and started talking, going through her list of who she loves (we do this all the time, its cute) well, she kept saying dp can't love her and she can't love him, when normally she says she loves him and will say he loves her too. I asked why and she really didn't say, so I left it alone. Well a couple days later I ask her if she wants to go take lunch to dp, and usually she loves this and gets excited about seeing him at work, but this time she says no, she can't want to go, she can't love dp no more. WTF?? So I let her stay at my parents, while I run it up there. I tell him what she's been saying and he finds it a little weird too, but figures ya know, she's almost 3, she's figuring words and emotions out so whatever. I still don't like it, so when I get home I start talking to her about it. And asked her again why, and she finally says, daddy says dp can't cause only daddy does. And she can't love dp no more. And I ask why she can't love dp anymore and she says he's not daddy. I can't love dp no more, and keeps saying it. OH!!! I'm so pissed.
I haven't asked her dad about this, cause I don't even know what to say, or even if I should say anything to him. I keep trying to tell her that no, he's not your daddy, but neither is Uncle.... or Uncle.... or this person or that person, but they still love you and you can still love them. I just don't know what else to do. I feel so bad. If you could see the look in her face when she say's this..UGH!! She seems so sad by this news her daddy has told her, And I don't know how to fix it.
Dp has kids too, and this baby is his, and I just don't want this to be the start of dd feeling different or left out or unloved or ANYTHING like that. She knows he is the boy's daddy and the new baby's daddy, and she knows who her daddy is, but now, its like she thinks he don't love her cause he is not *her* daddy. I feel so I don't even know right now. I mean, my ex has always known how I felt about gf/bf being around our daughter and he has always felt the same. The way I see it, is, I would rather my daughter feel loved and cared for by this women than her feel out of place and unloved by her. And I would rather her run when dd hurts herself or holds and comforts her when she cries rather than just stand there and be like *your kid is....* I would rather my daughter love her and veiw her as a friend and a mother figure rather than someone who hates her presence and doesn't want her around causing problem with my dd's relationship with her dad. I don't think it matters how many times someone says they love them or how much time they spend wiht them or how much money or anything, they will always KNOW who daddy and mommy are and it doesn't change that. A kids mom could be a crack head and the kid is still gonna love their mom and be like this is my mom.
Off my soapbox stance on my views now, but ex has felt this way too, or so I thought. I just don't get it. Dd talks about his gf and her son all the time and it doesn't phase me, I ask her if she had fun and all that and never act all weird or like I don't want to hear it, cause I do, I wanna hear that she had a great time over there.

Sorry so long and a VERY big ramble, but what do I do? Anything I can do?
Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and I hope I didn't lose anyone :LOL I'm just so lost right now.
post #2 of 6


I think you should talk to your ex about it. Given that the two of you have always agreed about SO's being involved in DD's life, maybe it was a misunderstanding? Or maybe your ex just needs to be smacked. But either way, I think you should talk to him and at least find out what was said that caused her to start feeling this way.

post #3 of 6
Ugghhh......I HATE that aspect of blended families.Your ex is taking his own INSECURITIES out on your dd. I am a step-mama and a step-daughter. I can tell you one of the greatest gifts both my parents gave me was to always show love and respect towards one another and to HELP cultivate good relationships with those they each chose to be with after.My dad has NEVER done anything like that and I call my step-father "Dad"! I think you def. need to talk to ex soon and let him know this doesnt do anything but confuse and hurt Julia.She DOES love your SO and now she feels as though that feeling is wrong and for a 3 year old I am sure that is pretty intense. You should be able to trust your ex when it comes to situations like this especially after you have already talked about it.Your SO isnt trying to replace him, just merely make his own way with HIS own family and that includes your dd. Unless, your ex is falling short in areas of fathering I would say this behavior is unwarranted.However, if he IS falling short of being a father to dd then maybe his insecurities should be approached in another way and talk about his lacking and ways to better the situation and then this sort of talk would hopefully go away.

Good luck and 's to you!
post #4 of 6
Thread Starter 
Thank you ladies. I wasn't sure if this was someting I just had to deal with on my own or if this was something I could discuss with him. I think it is possible he is feeling insecure. I recently asked if he could keep dd for the whole weekend instead of just the one night, since he said he would now and thenm and he totally went off on me about how much he pays me a week and what the heck do I do with that money, and it should be enough to cover a babysitter. Um, hello, I'm 8 months pg, I don't really go anywhere, and I have never asked him to keep her so I could go do something pg or not. I only asked cause dd was upset he skipped his day with her earlier in the week. So yeah, this could def be him feeling he is falling short or something. I hate this!! Especially right now with a new baby on the way, that she is going to have to get used to and all that. Ugh, I wanna hit him!!
I too, was I step child, and my dad wasn't very into the idea of me liking my s-dad, let alone loving him, but I did and it hurt to be put in the middle like that. Even now, all grown up, I still question if I'm too close to s-dad, would this bother so and so and all that. I DO NOT want my dd EVER feeling like this.
post #5 of 6
You definitely have to discuss this with your ex, though it is possible your dd is coming to these emotions on her own. My youngest, who is now five, went through a phase recently where he stopped being as affectionate with my fiance as he had been before. After it had gone on for a few days I asked him why, and he said it was because he felt bad being nice to Jeff because he felt like it would hurt his dad's feelings. Now granted, he is a little older, but it is possible your dd is feeling some of the same things.
I think if you talk to her, and have your ex also talk to her about how we have the ability to love many people at the same time, you can help her to understand the different aspects of love, and definitely use references such as other family members. I can't stress enough how important it is to have your ex on the same page, and be prepared for his possible denial of this, which will cause some friction, in which case you'll be on your own to explain things to your dd. Good luck, mama, I hope this all works out for you and your dd. I think you have a great attitude.
post #6 of 6
In regards to your last post, I have the same issue you faced with my dd. She and her dad have never been very close. He does not take the time to get involved in the things that interest her, and many times on the weekends she ends up at a friend's for at least one of the nights. Yet she is very close to her future step dad, and goes to him for advice. He takes an interest in her dance, which is something my ex cannot relate to. I feel very bad for my dd, though she never outwordly shows it, I know it has to hurt her spirit, because even though she and her dad have never been close, he is still her dad. I have done everything I could think of to cultivate a relationship between the two of them, to no avail. He even admits he cannot connect with her, and sadly I think some of it is because she is a lot like me, right down to her looks. It breaks my heart to think that my dd is hurting, though she has never said so.
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