Anyone else who has lost both parents?

[maryliz75]

I am 29 years old. My father died earlier this year and my mother died 10 years ago.
Ever since the loss of my father, I fell like an orphan. Luckily I have wonderful in-laws, but it is not the same.
I miss my parents, I miss knowing I am still someone's child. Most of all I miss my mom, and even though it has been 10 years it hurts like it was yesterday.

Anyone else dealing with the loss of both parents?

also since my Dad's funeral my almost 6 yr. old dd has asked lots of questions about death and about my parents. Hard questions to answer...how do you explain things to a child so young?

[lisamarie]

I am so sorry. I also wanted to welcome you to MDC. I haven't lost both parents, but my Mom past away last October and my Grandmother in December. There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about my Mother and the reality of her being gone. My Dad and I are still very close and I see him weekly, but have thought about when the time comes that he is not around .

Here is a great list of books that might be helpful for both you and your child: http://69.20.14.30/discussions/showt...24#post2847024 My ds has struggled this year in the loss of his Grandmother. THey were very close and even though, we had been through grief counseling when my 1st dh died, he is older now and comprehends more now. Through each growth spurt and stage, they will grief again and will understand more. I hope that some of these books can be helpful.

Warmly~

Lisa :

[orangefoot]

I am so sorry that you feel so alone in this way. I still have my mum, but she is an orphan in the way you describe. She said it really hit her when she was on the bus chatting to a little girl who was telling her about where she and her mummy had been that day when the girl asked where my mum's mummy was.

We are supposed to outlive our parents, but it seems very hard to do when these are the very people who you have known all your life and have always been there.

Do you feel able to talk to your son abouth the things that you and your parents shared together when you were young? Maybe knowing that you two do the same things together may help him feel that he is part of their family even though they are not here with him.

[Kirsten]

Me. I am here with you!

I am 36. I lost both my parents when I was in jr. high. They both died on Mother's Day, two years apart (1982 and 1984). It has been so long that I am really healed from it, just remember the happy memories. For years I spent every Mother's Day sobbing on the floor, or crying when someone mentioned them anytime throughout the year. But that was a long time ago. I am really ok now.

What helps me is to know that I would have picked my parents (if it were possible to do so) over anyone else's I know - even given the shortened time I'd get with them. Twelve and fourteen years with them was better than 50 with anyone else. Life wasn't perfect but they loved me and I had a great childhood. I also have two wonderful siblings and that helps me a lot. I am still in close contact with many of my parents friends, and my childhood friends who knew my parents. To go to their houses and see pictures of my parents, or hear stories about them, helps me greatly. They are not gone and forgotten. They live on in me and my siblings and in the memories of many, many people.

And you are still someone's child! They are not alive but you are still their child! When I got married, on the wedding invite it said "daughter of Gunnar and Dixie" after my name, just as my dh had his (still alive) parents' names after his. I am still their child! My MIL said it wasn't proper etiquette to have the names of deceased people on the invite - and maybe Miss Manners says so; I don't care. They are my parents, alive or dead, and their names went on the invite that went out to 150 people.

Have you heard the Barry Manilow song "I Am Your Child"? I love that song. I also love the "Do not stand at my grave and weep" poem. There is also a Winona Judd song that says "I can still feel all that love from here". I take comfort from a lot of songs...

The kids thing is hard. My kids know that I was a kid when my parents died so the oldest worries that something will happen to me or dh. She cries that she can't know my parents. It is very sad. I tell her stories about them and show her pictures. She loves to hear stories about my childhood with my siblings (who live near us and are very close to my kids) and my parents.

Anyway, I'm here if you want to talk.
Kirsten

[PixelDust]

I lost both my parents almost three years ago when I was 28. I feel many of the things you wrote about. In the beginning, it was so hard to get used to the idea that I'm an orphan now. It's a little easier to know that now. I think I understand what you mean about not being a daughter. I feel that way, too. Someone pointed out that I'll always be my parents' daughter, which is true, but that's not the same thing as having the *role* of daughter. Once your parents are gone, you no longer have the relationship of daughter to anyone. That was really hard for me.

I don't have any advice to share; some days I am still struggling to keep my own head above water. But I know that even though I still think every day about them and the terrible, unfair way we lost them, it's easier today than it was three years ago. So it's got to be easier three years from now than it is today.

We are TTC our first child now. Sometimes it's hard for my partner to understand how sad I am that our baby won't know her grandparents (and vice versa). I plan to tell her lots of stories and show her lots of pictures.




Susan

[momanderson]

My father passed away in November 2003, he had been diagnosed with lung cancer about a month before. He went to the cancer clinic for an appointment in the morning and didn't come home again. Although we knew he would pass away eventually it was a huge shock.

My mother passed away less than six months later in April 2004. It was a very traumatic thing for me. I had to call the ambulance for here, and when I got to the hospital they asked if she had a dnr order. She was put on a ventelator and was in the CCU with a very aggresive pnemonia. They couldn't do any more for her, all her organs had shut down. My sister who is much older and lives hours away gave them the ok to end treatment. I was devestated to say the least. I know there was no hope she would ever recover but it was an awful thing to see.

I was 26 when they both passed. Although I am married and have children I still feel like you do. I feel like an orphan. I do have one sister but we have never been close. She is considerably older than I am and had been on her own my whole life. I lived in the same city as my parents, they babysat my children while I worked, we did things together all the time.

Like yuo I have in laws but it's not the same.I am not there child, I don't share the same family history. I don't think my husband really understands how I feel. He can pick up the phone and call his parents or go see them when ever he wants. I don't have that luxury.

[applejuice]

I have lost both of mine...my youngest child says he feels like life has denied him his grandparents...I tell him that he is lucky in other ways in that he has older brothers and sisters and cousins...which I did not have, but he still feels bad...

You cannot have it all....

[sunset]

Me too, my Father died 16 years ago and my Mum died 10 years ago this month.
Looking back I think that when my dad died we were all so wracked with grief we just tried to be strong for each other and ultimately the family fractured.
my Mum died very suddenly and I think now that the shock insulated me through those first months.
I am so glad you brought up this topic. Some days, most days even I am fine, but then sometimes it hit me like it was yesterday. When my Mum died I didn`t know anyone who had lost their Mum and I felt so very alone, plus I was living on the other side of the world. I had two brothers who I wasn`t very close to though we did try to be close. My younger brother took his own life a few years later.
Just a couple of months ago a dear dear friend lost her Mother and I felt I was really able to `be there` for her, I knew, I really knew how she felt and it brought it all up again for me and I began crying a lot again and I realised
that the healing process goes on always, we can always heal a little more.
With each stage in our lives we need to re-grieve our Mums.
I do feel like an orphan, I feel there is no place that is truly `home` where I will be folded into strong arms and ample busom but I also feel that my loss
has become such a part of me, I worked my pain and my grief into a manage able size and learned to live with it, I would be as lost as empty without my loss now ( I hope that makes sense)
My ILS are terrific, they took me on from the begin, a foreigner to their culture and language and accepted me straight away and when I lost my mother they just loved me more, but they aren`t mine and as someone said we don`t share that family history, but one thing I love ( and they only met my Mum once and LOVED her) is whenever the subject comes up they have tears in their eyes, I know they are for me and for her but also they recall their own losses, their own dead parents, we are all healing together.

[Bearsmama]

Yep. I lost both of mine many years ago. It alters the fabric of your life forever. Even after all these years it is still difficult. Not every day, not every moment. But it's something that changes you forever.