At whits end

[rockergirrl]

My DS#1 (almost 4yrs old) is just being a bear all of a sudden. Testing, testing, testing me 24/7. No matter what I try he just pushes my buttons until I break. I have read this forum over and over, read every book out there and no matter what I do he just wants to defy me all the time. His big thing now is "never". I tell him to wash his hands before lunch (something he has been doing fine for 4 years now) and now all of a sudden it is "I never have to wash my hands before I eat." What do you do if this then goes on and on? do you give in and let him eat without washing (no not a big deal but I feel like it is giving in) or just not put the lunch out or what? this is just one examle. He will then say " I am the boss" which just gets my goat. Getting mad does nothing - I know that. I have lost it a few times and I know yelling does nothing. But I feel I have tried everything else in GD land and that is not working either.

HELP. my child has turned into this being I no longer know.

side notte - we have a new baby (three months) in the house.

[fire_lady]

A warm to your new baby...
Mine does the same.
Its annoying to hear him say "never","I dont like". But I try to be more patient to him.Your right yelling wont do a thing. So instead of yelling Im talking to him in a calm voice explaining its not good for a child to say such words and firmly say that he must be obidient to me.
GD still works just be patient...

Good luck to you...

[j924]

When dd#3 turned four a few months ago I thought my head was going to explode. Her baby brother was well into toddlerhood by then and I can't imagine how hard this is for you with a little one in tow. One thing that helped was that I didn't ever ask/tell her to do something. I would spend a lot of time talking about what I was going to do (I'm going to wash up for dinner, I'm going to put my shoes on for a walk), and also left out materials that she needed. Sometimes I would just leave a bucket of soapy water on the deck so she could wash up as we were on our way in. This way you don't get the double whammy of her not doing it and feeling guilty because you backed down. I do think backing down on the less important things will lessen the tension. Give yourself a break and her as well. My dd has come back into a happier place 3 months later.

[avivaelona]

I loooove four year olds They are so independent and they have reached a brand new stage of discovering that they are there very own people! Like the terrible twos though that means that they need to push on those boundries a little, so that they can seperate themselves from you just a little. Just like two year olds suddenly seem to be able to say nothing but NO! Four year olds are saying "I choose!".

Ideas, make it a game, give him choices...for example, don't say "go wash your hands" say "do you want to wash your hands in the bathroom or the kitchen today? with the green soap or the yellow soap? I bet you can't wash your hands AND hang up the towel before the timer rings. I'm going to wash my hands should we do it together or do you want to do it yourself? Whoever finishes first gets to choose what drink we have with lunch!" Make it fun and make as much of it his choice as possible.

As far as the I'm the boss thing... four year olds are really into feeling powerful, and he is testing the limits of that, you already know he isn't the boss so don't let him push you into a power struggle about that. Talk to him about why he wants to be the boss, how would it feel to be the boss? what kinds of things would he do? Are there some things he really can be the boss of? Talk about how being the boss means you get to make choices but there are also responsibilities. Try to enlist his cooperation "Boy it isn't fun when you feel like I'm bossing you, but we need to wash the germs off our hands before we can eat or we might get sick, what do you think we should do?" It takes some patience but kids can come up with some surprisingly inventive solutions.

Congatulations on the new baby, hang in there, I'm sure a lot of it is adjustment to that

Aviva (former teacher of four year olds, I love them)

[Dodo]

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[Embee]

I'd just like to thank Aviva for her love of four year olds. She pointed out all the things I need to remember about mine these days! Oh, four is tough! Amazing, but tough. Honestly, we play often and make whatever we can a game. Like, when we know we're in for a battle, we ask him to do the exact opposite (in a silly SILLY way), "DS, I've got something very important to tell you... you may not under any circumstances brush your teeth!" But of course, he MUST defy us by brushing his teeth! And when he makes for the toothbrush I'm super silly again, "OH MY GOSH, I told you not to do that! You can't do that! You musn't!" He smiling and giggling (and BRUSHING!) away and so are we. Big fan of Playful Parenting (Cohen) here.

I read a great book recently called, "Hold On To You Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. He explains the concept of attachment and reiterates over and over that your ability to influence your kids is only as good as your attachment to them at any given time. DS is a joy when he's getting the time from me that he needs, but when he's not, requests from me call easily fall on deaf ears or grumpy ones for that matter. Like other posters mentioned, some of this could very well being fueled by having to adjust to not being the only child any longer. Kids will always let you know in their way when they need more of you. What can you do? Your best and only that... hang in there, give it time, and to you mama!

The best,
Em

P.S. Four has been our most challenging year to date. We were talking to a friend of ours (who also has a four year old), and saying how frustrated we were and asking what in the heck was going on with DS. Where is our DS??? She said, "Your DS is a wonderful boy... who is four." Yep, and there you have it!

[rockergirrl]

this advice is great - thank you. In my heart I knew all this but sometimes you just need others to tell you. It is just another wave we need to get through I guess. I will just love him and support him as much as I can. I feel so guilty sometimes with the new baby being in the house how much less time I have for DS#1. It is hard to always say "not right now I'm nursing or changing the baby" or something like that. I feel like he will be scared by this but I know in a few years they will be the best of friends.