What consequences do you use for teen?

[nonconformnmom]

What do you do with your teen when they show disrespect or stay out past curfew, etc.? I always try to relate the consequences to the issue of concern, like if she stays out past curfew she loses car privileges, etc. but some things are difficult to relate directly to a consequence. One of the most common tools that I use is to restrict her online log-in access because the amount of time she spends online can usually be traced as the root cause of flippant disregard for others in the family, etc.

Yesterday I got creative and allowed her to work off part of her restriction by reading the first 10 pages of this book. We ended up having a really good discussion about materialism, consumerism, and wastefulness, which were exactly the issues that initiated the need to restrict her in the first place!

I'd love to know of other creative approaches ...

[katebleu]

my dd is actually only 9 months, but when one of my younger brothers was suspended from school for getting a fight he had to write an essay on school violence for our mom. so based on how i was raised, i think your creative solution was great!

[UnschoolnMa]

We use no consequences, other than the natural ones that occur, and sometimes that doesn't have a chance to happen either. (I have picked up something they left outside rather than letting it get stolen or ruined, etc)

We are pretty big on talking in our family. If something comes up that any one of us isn't comfortable with we discuss it, and we come to a place of agreement.

[irinam]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

We use no consequences, other than the natural ones that occur, and sometimes that doesn't have a chance to happen either. (I have picked up something they left outside rather than letting it get stolen or ruined, etc)

We are pretty big on talking in our family. If something comes up that any one of us isn't comfortable with we discuss it, and we come to a place of agreement.

Same here.

We don't set curfew for the members of our family, we just inform one another when we are going to be home. If for one reason or another the other family member wishes that this time is changed, we discuss it.

Disrespect towards one another would be hurtful to a reciever, so we usually don't do it. If it happens because somebody did not think about it, we talk and usually appology/explanation follows.

Those apply to me, DH, DS and DD

[nonconformnmom]

In response to my post, "What consequences do you use for teen?"

UnSchoolnma posted:
We use no consequences,

Okayyyy, and that was relevant ... how? Perhaps you saw a chance to trumpet your no-consequences approach to parenting and just had to take it? I guess now I should thank you and Irinam for enlightening me about my erroneous consequence ways.

I'm still interested to know other approaches besides the non-approach.

[Starr]

I just had to share this story, to give you MY parents view:

In 10th grade right before Christmas break I came home from a date with a hickey. The only one I've ever gotten. I was your typical straight A student, over acheiver who never really got into trouble. For my punishment my mom and dad signed me up to ring the Salvation Army bell to collect loose change for Christmas ar our MALL for 2 Saturdays. I was mortified. I know I was helping a good cause but I was so embarassed to have the hickey and stand in the middle of the mall ringing a giant red bell while attracting attention. I never misbehaved after that....that they know of.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

In response to my post, "What consequences do you use for teen?"

Okayyyy, and that was relevant ... how? Perhaps you saw a chance to trumpet your no-consequences approach to parenting and just had to take it? I guess now I should thank you and Irinam for enlightening me about my erroneous consequence ways.

Wow, that's really rude.

I was just adding my thoughts to the thread, and answering a question. I guess I thought you were asking a general "How does your family handle/do this?" to everyone here rather than only wanting responses that list consequences. I apologize if I misunderstood, but I really do not understand the reason behind your tone here. I did not post to try and "enlighten you about your erroneous consequence ways" at all.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

In response to my post, "What consequences do you use for teen?"

Okayyyy, and that was relevant ... how? Perhaps you saw a chance to trumpet your no-consequences approach to parenting and just had to take it? I guess now I should thank you and Irinam for enlightening me about my erroneous consequence ways.

I'm still interested to know other approaches besides the non-approach.

Wow. That's not defensive. :

We don't have consequences, either. Nor do i have problems with my teens (16 & 13). Everyone loses their temper sometimes, kids and adults alike. Like Unschooma, we just talk it through. Kids do respond to respect.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

Wow, that's really rude.

I was just adding my thoughts to the thread, and answering a question. I guess I thought you were asking a general "How does your family handle/do this?" to everyone here rather than only wanting responses that list consequences. I apologize if I misunderstood, but I really do not understand the reason behind your tone here. I did not post to try and "enlighten you about your erroneous consequence ways" at all.

Fwiw, I totally agree with your approach.

And further, it works.

My kids are older than yours, but so far they are wonderful to live with. We are a team, a family. I'll let you know when they end up in jail.

[nonconformnmom]

Sorry if you think I was being rude or defensive. I was just surprised, is all. It's analogous to someone posting a new thread with the topic, "What cloth diapers do you use?" and having replies saying, "We don't use cloth diapers. In our family we do EC," and then going on about the method for EC that their family is doing.

It's interesting and all .... It just doesn't help me with what I was asking about. But, you know, thanks for sharing the info! :

[irinam]

I am wondering how you expect your kids to be respectful if you do not model it yourself.

Just because you saw the replies as irrelevant, does not warrant the sarcasm

[nonconformnmom]

Irina,
With all due respect, the act of calling something that someone else wrote 'sarcasm' and 'disrespectful' does not make it so.

[Dar]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

Irina,
With all due respect, the act of calling something that someone else wrote 'sarcasm' and 'disrespectful' does not make it so.

Are you actually claiming that what you wrote wasn't sarcastic? Like, when you said, " I guess now I should thank you and Irinam for enlightening me about my erroneous consequence ways.", that was a serious statement?

Your first statement was "What do you do with your teen when they show disrespect or stay out past curfew, etc.?", and you ended with, "I'd love to know of other creative approaches ..." Then when people do what you asked, you get sarcastic and rude. I think you owe some people apologies.

FWIW, no punishment here, either (you're using the euphemism 'consequences'). We talk, I mention my needs, and we work things out. It keeps us from getting into an adversarial relationship. I think that during the teen years it's especially important for your child to see you as an ally, not an enemy.

Dar

[johub]

I really like the book idea.
I usually try to keep the consequences directly and obviously related to the "offence"
I pick my battles of course.
If she is making and receiving phone calls at midnight, her phone in her room goes away.
One time the "obvious" logical consequence really wasnt enough to communicate to her how deeply upset and serious the problem was (telling a 13 year old "I am deeply upset and this is very serious" just doesnt really do it in my home) she lost her 2 week girl scout camp.
This was a terrible punishment for both of us! And I really didnt want to do it , but I felt that that was the only tool I had to really get her attention. Unfortunately, it was like grounding her from Broccoli. Neither of us is happy. And she is being deprived of something really good for her. But it was the only thing important enough to her to matter.
Mostly we talk.
"Meghann, I am very upset by the way you spoke to me just now." (usually this causes a huff, a disappearing act, followed by a sincere apology 15 minutes later)
Sometimes when she is uncooperative. I am uncooperative. "we dont have time to go to the store right now because I Had to do your chores as well as mine"
As for blantant disrespectful speech, as much as I can I placidly ignore it.
It is really hard to think off the top of my head what might happen that would not involve some type of logical obvious consequence.
Joline

[nonconformnmom]

Dar, UnSchoolnMa, and Irinam, I apologize. As a long-term participant on message boards I have learned not to take things personally and I am guilty of assuming that others have the same understanding.

I agree that talking with my teen is the number one way to deal with disagreements and difficulties that may arise. With my teen, who is older than many of yours and has begun the intense and often painful period of separating from family and home to begin her life as an adult, sometimes talking doesn't have the desired effect. While I prefer the term 'consequences' because it implies natural effects of behavior, as opposed to 'punishment' which to me implies a punitive act meant to cause discomfort to the child, I'm really not concerned with semantics.

The bond my daughter and I share is unbreakable, which is why she understands that having a privilege temporarily taken away is not a withdrawal of love or respect. She knows I love her unconditionally but that I also do my best to intervene as a means of guiding her when she occasionally lacks the maturity to make appropriate choices.

Joline wrote:
"Meghann, I am very upset by the way you spoke to me just now." (usually this causes a huff, a disappearing act, followed by a sincere apology 15 minutes later)

Boy, does that ring a bell!

[Miss Kitty]

WOW. Ok I would like to offer what we do in an effort to answer the original post.

My dd is nearly 16, special needs adoption, virtually no short-term memory, and ADD out the whazoo.

She has extremely poor impulse control but is really working on it but still gets in trouble.

Her first big violation was last fall when she was angry at a boy in her special ed class and spray painted his truck. Not once but twice. And lied, and lied and lied. To the police, to us, to the school etc. She nearly was arrested. It was absolutely horrible.

Finally 4 days after the second incident, about a week or 10 days all together she fessed up. All on her own with no prompting she had her father drive her to the boys house where she apologized and offered to pay the damages. She then apologized to the officers, the principal, and to us.
She didn't ask to go anywhere or to do anything for weeks afterward. One day she asked how long she was grounded for, I said we had never grounded her, she had paid the damages out of her bank account, apologized to all that were involved. She said she thought we wouldn't trust her again. My response was, I don't but I didn't ground you, you punished yourself by breaking my trust. Is that punishment enough?
All of this is meant to say, we try to get our dd to punish herself. Often it is with the fact that she knows right from wrong and is able to identify where she went wrong. In the long run that is what punishments are for.
The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciple which means to guide (contrary to some who believe the staff is to beat the sheep it was to guide the sheep). I learned that in a Foster parent class and when I'm needing to discipline my kids I try to think what will GUIDE them the way I need them to go.

Sorry this is so long. PS - the principal has called us more than once with similar problems for ideas on positive solutions. He is trying to be more positive in his approach than our last principal who just slammed the hammer down every chance he got.

Hope this helps a little.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

Sorry if you think I was being rude or defensive. I was just surprised, is all. It's analogous to someone posting a new thread with the topic, "What cloth diapers do you use?" and having replies saying, "We don't use cloth diapers. In our family we do EC," and then going on about the method for EC that their family is doing.

It's interesting and all .... It just doesn't help me with what I was asking about. But, you know, thanks for sharing the info! :

So you're asking for our thoughts on how to punish your teen? On an AP/GD list. And you are sarcastic and upset when we offer "creative' thinking.

I don't understand why there are *so many* non- GD people asking for advice on MDC when there are so many other uncreative and punitive sites devoted to teaching adults how to control children.

[srain]

Originally Posted by Starr

In 10th grade right before Christmas break I came home from a date with a hickey. The only one I've ever gotten. I was your typical straight A student, over acheiver who never really got into trouble. For my punishment my mom and dad signed me up to ring the Salvation Army bell to collect loose change for Christmas ar our MALL for 2 Saturdays.

Curious (honestly wanting to know, not trying to be snarky based on the rest pf the thread): would you have been more likely to do it again if you had not been punished? Were you more likely to sneak around your parents than if you had NOT been punished?

[ShadowMom]

Originally Posted by UUMom

I don't understand why there are *so many* non- GD people asking for advice on MDC when there are so many other uncreative and punitive sites devoted to teaching adults how to control children.

I dunno. But, as a GD parent I do like hearing about how people do things (I will someday have a teenager) so I really appreciate everyone's contributions! I will go back to :

[fire_lady]

My DS is only 2 yo so no experience with teens. But based on my observation with my mom. She actually talk to us(one on one) when were teens and did something wrong. She explains to us what we did and why they are not happy and what did they felt about it.She even ask us what do we think is right and actually asking if we need to be punished. Reversed psychology in short but it works instead we decided to punished our selves and felt very sorry about it.