ds took too long to poop....

[13moons]

Okay, so today was ds third day at kindergarten. when I picked him up his teacher pulled me aside and told me that he had spent a really long time in the bathroom today and when she asked him if he was okay in there he just said, "Yeah-I just have a lot of poop." She says he was in there for 35 minutes. He has food problems and frequently has diarrhea (lots of poop he says ) and when he does I help him clean himself up. (Not something I or ds would expect a teacher to do for him, BTW.) I told her that he has some food problems that typically display themselves that way but she wasn't pleased and said to me, "Well, you're going to need to work on that with him at home because when we are only here for 3 hours and 25 minutes, 35 minutes is too long to spend in the bathroom." And then she walked away. :
I'm sorry but two things come to mind here:
#1--Nobody would EVER tell another adult, you need to work on pooping faster at home because that just took too long and didn't jive with our schedule.
and #2--Would it not occur to you that perhaps there was something wrong if someone spent 35 minutes in the bathroom?
After she walked away from me, she approached another parent and apologized for having to send her kid to the office today but "he was really bothering the other kids and wouldn't listen when I put him in a time out." Maybe she just was having an off day, but this so does not seem like the kind of teacher I want for my kid. I feel so bad for him that he had to deal with the indignity of being critized for taking too long to poop. I really hope this is not typical for her.
This is my first year sending my 3 kids to school as we have hs'ed for so long (they all went to a great co-op preschool for 2 years though) but we just moved to a new area and they wanted to give it a shot. This is not at all encouraging me that I made the right choice. I'm so bummed.

[arwenevenstar]

Wow !

I don't know what to say I am quite amazed, as an ex-teacher for premmies myself I really couldn't envisage saying that.

I can see you need to do a few things next:

1. Go back to the teacher tomorrow. If you can, address the problem by telling her that you didn't feel comfortable yesterday with the way that she spoke to you and that you would like to discuss "together" a strategy. Perhaps getting her to talk with you rather than at you and devise a way of coping might help?? just a thought.

2. Re-explain the food issues that your son has (surely if he is pressurised, this is NOT going to be good for him??) and if necessary, perhaps you have a naturopath or someone you see that could back you up?

3. What on earth was she doing allowing him to be in there that long without seeing if he was okay?

4. Perhaps you can sit with your son at home and see how he feels about this? Maybe he was nervous? Maybe he has an idea how you and the teacher and him can reach a compromise??

Dunno if that will be any help, tomorrow is another day and it did sound like she was "off" today!! no help to you though!

Good luck

[13moons]

Originally Posted by arwenevenstar

3. What on earth was she doing allowing him to be in there that long without seeing if he was okay?

4. Perhaps you can sit with your son at home and see how he feels about this? Maybe he was nervous? Maybe he has an idea how you and the teacher and him can reach a compromise??

Dunno if that will be any help, tomorrow is another day and it did sound like she was "off" today!! no help to you though!

Good luck

Yeah, in retrospect, I think #3 is maybe what bothers me the most. What if he had really been sick or had an accident or something and she just said, "Are you okay?" and he said yes so she let him be for 35 minutes while she stewed that he was missing class?
She didn't seem at all interested in his tummy troubles. DS said he wasn't upset and he didn't think she was upset, but when I first said to him, "So, your teacher tells me you spent a long time in the bathroom today," his response was, "Yeah, but I didn't have to go to the office." Was that because he was told he might have to go or because the other boy was sent for something??? He says he likes his class but then he got paused and then said, "But I wish you and other kids' grown-ups could help out in the class like at preschool. That's better. It's more fun." (His preschool was a co-op with an amazing. loving, respectful teacher.)
Thanks for your response arwenevenstar--at least I know that this is not typical!

[simple living mama]

I liked what you said about the teacher never talking to an other adult in that manner. I would go ahead and mention that to her.

I just wanted you to know I too have a kid that that takes forever to do her business in the bathroom. We are just used to it around here and if she was schooled, I suppose it would be a real problem as well.

You might say, "listen, if she falls behind because she is in the bathroom, I won't hold you accountable". That will free her up to do her teaching job without feeling worried that your child isn’t getting all their learning time in. (Because you know your kid will be fine as it is just kindergarten)

Even so, I do feel like she was disrespectful to both you and your child. It's sad when you see teacher burn-out so early at the start of the year. Let's just hope she was having a bad day. If not, maybe time to look for another teacher or have a good strong talking to her.

[13moons]

Thanks simple living mama, I knew it would be difficult for me to have them in school this year and we had already discussed the fact that it was not his teacher's job to help him wipe if he had a poop at school but it did not even occur to me that the time he took would be an issue! ugh....one more tick on the "bennies of homeschooling" chart--you are allowed to take your time pooping.

[jannan]

35 minutes is way too long to be in the bathroom. did he have diarreah that day? or just alot of poop? and why does it bother the op that a child was sent to the office for disrupting the class? how is learning supposed to go on if a child is diverting attention away from the teacher?

[13moons]

jannan--You're right--35 minutes is a long time to be in the bathroom. My son has often spent long long times in the bathroom because with his stomach troubles he often feels like he is not done and will wait until he is rather than go back repeatedly. Which undoubtedly would have been a problem for the teacher also. That was not my point. She was not concerned about whether he was okay--she was concerned that he wasn't in class. I would not be concerned that a child missed out on busy work, but that he needed to spend that long in the bathroom. I also did not appreciate the way she approached me as if my son had misbehaved which he had not.
As to why "the op" was bothered that a 5 year old was sent to the office for "bothering the other kids" and not responding to the other kids--which was really just a side note, not the issue-- no learning happened for that child either in the classroom or with regard to proper behavior. I don't believe in time outs. Period. I don't use them and I feel it is much better to teach a child what is acceptable and what is not. That doesn't happen with a time out. The majority of educators I have spoken to will say that kindergarten is not so much about the academic as it is about learning acceptable behaviors, "socialization", etc. . If the teacher doesn't have time to teach then perhaps she needs to change her methods. My dd's both went to different kindergartens--one had a teacher who used busy work and time outs and complained when kids asked questions; the other had a teacher who was creative and inspired the kids to enjoy learning and behave appropriately and talked with them when they were disruptive. I want the latter kind of teacher for my child.
Really, the point to my post was that I was upset with the disrespect with which my child and myself were approached and that his bathroom trouble was being treated as a behavior issue. I was looking for some support, not trying to debate discipline methods.

[jannan]

have you ever been a kindergarten teacher?

[lauren]

PLease do not post in a provocative manner even if you are in disagreement.

[applejuice]

Nature calls, but she cannot call at school.

I really wonder how many of us have had constipation/bowel/kidney/bladder problems because we 'hold it' for a more 'opportune' time, whenever that may come.

School teachers are notorious for having bladder problems; maybe they are constipated too. That can explain alot of things...

I am a teacher too. When I was a substitute teacher I got a lot of work in the middle of a school day for teachers who suddenly had kidney infections or bladder problems.

Yes, going to the bathroom is quite a disturbance! ?

[applejuice]

My advice? If you want him to stay in the school, I would give him a laxative after school to rearrange his bowel time, so he "goes" at home at night or in the morning before school....

I am so sorry teachers are like that... somejust are...if someone in my class has a problem, I try to work it out.

[Houdini]

I apologize if I am answering out of turn, but my daughter has bowel issues as well. She had surgery at birth due to a defect and the idea of rearranging her bowels would not work. It may for some, but I guess it depends on the issues. Sorry to hear of the teacher's issues with your son's bathroom time. We had to talk to the school b/c our daughter told us they wouldn't let kids go to the bathroom at lunchtime. I explained the situation and told them that she needs to go several times day. They actually accomodated us and let Madi go whenever necessary. Since then we have discovered she is lactose intolerant (we knew this from infancy and toddlerhood, but were told she had outgrown it) and have been consistently giving her lactaid pills before dairy products. She has not had problems with her bowels since we started consistently with the lactaid. Maybe your son's stomach issues are food related. Good luck with the teacher.

[arwenevenstar]

Just another thought -

Is this a frequent occurence at school or was it a one off?

Perhaps if it was a one off, may be best to let sleeping dogs lie for now. If it happens a lot, then there could even be under lying issues.

If it were me as the teacher, I would just keep a record of when he went, in case it were the same time each day, or during the same topic in the class to see if there is a pattern outside his bowel problems.

Hope today was a better day for him.

[quietplease]

OP - I Know I'm not addressing the actual intent of your post here, but has you ds seen a doctor about the bowel problems? Because if it continues on, it WILL interfere with his life even if you homeschool. 35 minutes is a long time to be in the bathroom on a regular basis - he's going to miss out on activities, you know? And frequent diarrhea in a child is worrisome. Could he have a food allergy? Poor little guy shouldn't HAVE to deal with that at 5 or 6 years old!

[momto l&a]

"Well, you're going to need to work on that with him at home because when we are only here for 3 hours and 25 minutes, 35 minutes is too long to spend in the bathroom."

How does one learn to go faster

[IansMommy]

I taught kindergarten / first grade for 5 years before having my dd and ds. My dd is a 35 minute pooper as well. I, myself, know all too well of bladder problems from "holding it" because I didn't have a prep for another hour or two (during my school day). I had a bathroom in my classroom. I totally agree that the teacher should have made you aware of the time spent in the bathroom...but to be angry about it?...no. She should have asked if this was normal at home...if it is...so be it. I don't know about any of you...but sometimes poop comes fast, and sometimes you may as well bring in a good magazine--cause it's going to take awhile. Kids are no different than adults. My biggest problem with teachers who are so concerned about "academic" time (especially in kindergarten), is that they are NOT concerned about children developing as human beings. UUUGGGHHH. I would be mad at the teacher too.

[applejuice]

My sister and I never went to kindergarten.

I remember my sister at the age of 4 sitting on the throne early in the morning and singing to herself and talking to all of her imaginary friends.

What is wrong with that?

[babydoll]

that sucks

my friend has a similar problem with her son. He just started Kindergarten and she has been working with him all summer because he takes so long in the bathroom she is afraid he will get in trouble at school.

I am really disheartened that his teacher would make such an issue about it. Obviously if he is in the bathroom for 35 miunutes and not playing around there is a problem and she could be a little more sensitive about it.

That said, have you talked to his doc about this? Can you change his diet a little. What foods does he have problems with? Is it milk? Can you give him lactaid or tell the teacher about his specific food problems so they can avoid them?

Good luck to you!

[aniT]

NAK

13moons.
Where in central ca are you? I grew up in the central valley and I can tell you they have some pretyy awful schools. Tracy and Manteca exspecially come to mind. (I am the product of Manteca USD, and my lack of spelling ability represents this. ) Sacramento's aren't that great either. Modesto, and Stockton all have horrible schools. If you live in any of those area's I think I would go back to homeschooling (btw, I only read the first post and skimmed the rest if this issue was already addressed I am sorry.) BOTH my neice and nephew flunked Kindergarten in Manteca, of course that was partially their parents fault.

While we still lived in California we lived in the North Bay. We were lucky to attend some pretty decent schools there. Upon moving to Oregon however the schools remind me of the ones in the Valley and I have pulled my kids out this year. We will be doing Connections Academy which is a public charter school that you do online at home.

[13moons]

Originally Posted by IansMommy

I taught kindergarten / first grade for 5 years before having my dd and ds. My dd is a 35 minute pooper as well. I, myself, know all too well of bladder problems from "holding it" because I didn't have a prep for another hour or two (during my school day). I had a bathroom in my classroom. I totally agree that the teacher should have made you aware of the time spent in the bathroom...but to be angry about it?...no. She should have asked if this was normal at home...if it is...so be it. I don't know about any of you...but sometimes poop comes fast, and sometimes you may as well bring in a good magazine--cause it's going to take awhile. Kids are no different than adults. My biggest problem with teachers who are so concerned about "academic" time (especially in kindergarten), is that they are NOT concerned about children developing as human beings. UUUGGGHHH. I would be mad at the teacher too.

Thankyou IansMommy--this was pretty much my issue with this.

He hasn't gone at school again since that day. In response to others' questions, yes his poop troubles are food related and we have discussed them with his dr. We avoid the problem foods that we are aware of but it seems there are still things that bother him just because. He mostly just takes a long time because that's how he is. Actually, his sisters take their time too as does his dad, his grandpa, his great-grandpa, etc....it's just not something that he was ever encouraged to rush.

aniT-We are in San Luis Obispo county and the schools are really pretty good. I love the teachers my dd has--it is just this one teacher. And it isn't just my ds I have learned thathas had trouble with her. They had another problem yesterday. Every day she has to take at least one parent aside and tell them about their child's time-out or trouble that day. The Kinder classes all let out at the same time and none of the other teachers do this. My ds's class is the only one that has to line up in a perfect straight and quiet line outside the class in the morning and it is the only class that the parents are not allowed to come in to drop off their kids or pick them up--we have to drop off and pick up outside of the class. She clearly is a pretty strict, old-school type teacher.