Please help me help him deal with missing Daddy...

[TeaBag]

Cross Posted from The Childhood Years!! Another wonderful Mommy suggested that the ladies over here might be able to help me with this!! Thanks so much for reading!

My 6 yr old ds is really struggling with Daddy being away. Dh left almost 2 months ago for a 1 yr assignment. Right after Dad left, his best friend moved away. (wooHoo for military life!) He just started 1st grade and it's the first time he's been away from me for any length of time. Kindergarten is half day here. Yesterday, before school, he had three meltdowns before I could finally get out of him that he was scared of being away from me all day. I have a 2yr old and a 3 yr old. I comforted him as best I could. He kept saying "I want Dad to come home." We go to school. We stayed for the first 30-40 minutes, until the girls started getting fussy and disrupting the class. We came back for lunch. He has severe food allergies, and sits at a separate table. We were the only ones that sat with him. NONE of his classmates sat with him. Picked him up and tried to get him to talk about his day, but he didn't want to. He woke up this morning saying that he doesn't want to go to school, he wants to go see Dad. Took him to school again, stayed about 15 minutes before the girls started getting antsy. Went back for lunch again. Again, no one sits with him.

Lunch is at 11:00, and both the girls are not happy with this getting up and out early thing, so by 11-11:15, they are both wanting to nurse to sleep. So, really, continuing to go over for lunch is really frustrating for me. But I just can't let him sit there alone to eat his lunch....it just hurts me so much to see him struggling with this. Of course, as frustrating as it is to continue going over there, I will until he feels comfortable. And every time I try to talk to him about it, he just keeps repeating that he wants his dad. I know he does, I want him too, but there's nothing we can do about it. But he's scared about being away from home all day, he's lonely there, he doesn't know any of his classmates yet, and he just plain old misses his dad.

Any ideas, suggestions, thoughts on how I can help him? He has a photo album filled with pictures of him and his dad that we look at all the time. He gets to talk to dh whenever he calls. We send him colorings and drawings and art projects, who knows when he receives them. He's sad that Dad will miss his birthday. I want so badly to help him deal with this in a constructive manner, but when he's so sad, all I want to do is just hold him and cry, which isn't helping him at all. We do have times when we just sit together, sometimes just sitting, sometimes talking, sometimes crying because I do believe it's important for the kids to see that I miss dad too, but I can't let it be any time, you know? They need to know that while I miss him, I can still be the mom. So, anything?

Thanks so much.

[UlrikeDG]

Is homeschooling an option? One of the reasons we decided to homeschool, even though we lived across the street from the base elementary school, was so that my son would have the security & consistency of school, even when we PCSed or hubby got deployed.

Beyond that, check with your base's Family Services. Our base had coloring books & the like to help kids deal with deployments. You can also do things like write letters/e-mails to daddy, and make sure daddy writes back as often as possible (daily, if he can).

Finally, don't hesitate to contact your chaplain to ask for advice or counceling if you think it is necessary. That's one of the things they're there for. Our base in Germany had a UU service, so you may be able to find a UU chaplain if you're not Christian or Jewish and feel more comfortable that way.

[Kari_mom]

My friend's son wore a macrame bracelet from his father when they had to be separated for a while, his dad told him to look at the bracelet when he was sad to know that he was thinking of him. Sometimes something small yet tangible can be comforting. Of course you would have to provide it , but his dad could talk to him about it on the phone and make a big deal about it.

I would talk to the teacher about lunch. Is your son sitting alone to avoid being exposed to allergens? Maybe his classmates can take turns bringing a 'safe' lunch and sitting with him. Some schools are really great about this, some seem kind of put out by the whole thing. Hopefully yours will be cool with it. Also ask her if there are any kids who might be good candidates for playdates. Anyone from kindergarten in his class? Talk to her, she should have some good ideas.

I think if you can fix some of the school stuff, it will help him not miss his dad so much during the day.

[TeaBag]

Thank you both for your thoughts. Dh brought him home a shell necklace the last time he was deployed, maybe if he starts wearing that, it will help. We also found a small picture of him and his dad that we put in his wallet (again, a hand me down from Dad) that he can carry with him throughout the day.

We've had a good weekend so far, so maybe Monday will be easier for him. Here's praying, anyway....:

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by Kari_mom

I would talk to the teacher about lunch. Is your son sitting alone to avoid being exposed to allergens? Maybe his classmates can take turns bringing a 'safe' lunch and sitting with him. Also ask her if there are any kids who might be good candidates for playdates. Anyone from kindergarten in his class?

This is just what I was thinking. Why does he sit at a table away from everyone else? If he understands he is not to touch or eat any food other than his, why can't he sit at the same tables with the other kids?

When my dd1 was in co-op preschool, there was a sweet little boy (the kids were three) who had severe allergies to many things. Before school started, all the moms (we worked one day a week - volunteering) were taught how to give the Epipen. We were to immediately administer, while someone else called 911. The fire station was only three blocks away but she told us not to wait for them to get there; administer the Epipen asap. He brought his own food, ate it on his own plate (brought from home), but still sat at the same table with the other kids. Even at three, he knew very well what he could and could not eat. And even though the moms who worked on the opposite day as his mom lived in fear that something would cause a reaction in him, nothing happened all year. Every day they ate snack, once a month we went on field trips, celebrated kids' birthdays, etc. and no allergic reactions at all.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can re: missing Daddy. How often can your dh call/write? Sorry he/you are going through this.

[Ragana]

APMom,
First of all, I hope your husband gets home safely and as soon as possible.

My thought was that maybe the teacher could help pair up your son with another child whose parent is deployed? Maybe they could even start a little group to help those kids.

I know he's only in 1st grade, but is there an activity he could join so that he has something special to look forward to at school? I don't know, maybe a reading club or something?

Wishing your family the best during this tough time.