Do you convey your expectations? how?

[trimomma]

I'm at a loss while talking to my 5yo ds about certain behaviors that are and aren't appropriate. I searched for a specific thread in the GD forum and wasn't able to find it in my cursory search, so here I am.

How do you convey to your dc what you expect from them without making your child feel demeaned, shamed or guilted? When talking to ds, I don't yell or punish, but at the end of the conversation, I almost always feel like I loaded a ton of guilt on him. I know I really need to relearn how I do this.

An example (but not limited to):
Today while at a pizza buffet, meeting his friend for lunch, ds was leaving me while I was in line to pay, getting a plate and beginning to help himself - meanwhile going in front of everyone else in line. When I asked him to come back to me, he ignored me. Therefore, I went up to him, got down to his eye level, and told him we had to wait in line to pay before we can get food and then took his hand back to our spot in line (given - this is something I am certain he already knows - am I explaining too much?). He yanked his hand away from me, stomped his foot and threw his arm at me as if he was going to hit me (which I knew he wasn't going to do, as this is something he does often and has never hit). Within seconds he was back at the buffet - and so the process begins again. This particular scenario happens often - at home, out and about, at friends' houses. I know ds knows it isn't okay with me for him to do this - but I would like to have a way to let him know what I expect of him without being harsh or make him feel responsible for my feelings.

I'm reading 'Kids are Worth It' and I would love to feel like, at the end of one of our conversations, that I have empowered ds - he feels I trust him, know he can handle it, etc - the life messages Coloroso lists in her book. I just don't think I'm cutting it....

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated (especially by ds!! )

[UUMom]

I think some things are difficut for some children sometimes. I think restaurants can fall into that category. I think it's fine to remind your child what the protocol is in certain situations. I think it's also imprtant to keep it light. "Hon, come on over so the cashier can see what you have so i can pay for it, then you can go right back to your friend".

Kids get excited and they don't always 'get' the rules. It;s not foever. it's just for now. They are young and learning.

the next time you go to that restaurant, remind him about how it works. Tell him 'I know it's pretty exciting, isn't? Picking out your own pizza! Make sure we stay together so the cashier knows how much we owe her".

if he can't do it, you have to carry his tray. Or put his pizza on your tray. "Here, i know you are excited. Why don't you hand me what you want so you can go be with your friend'. Maybe the mothers can take turns watching the children while one gets the food.

Eventually he will get it.

It's *not* a big deal. Kids really do want to 'follow rules". When he is 7 or 8 he will try to drive you crazy with that!

not every behavior by a child needs a dramatic response from a parent. A buffet pizza place isn't very formal (I went to one in Jacksonville FL once and it was a madhouse--very stimulating-- loud kids, loud beeping video games etc) and people are there with kids. They understand. Or they should. Or they need to go to another restaurant.

[trimomma]

UUMom - Thank you for your response. After reading my original post, I realized I wasn't very clear at all regarding where I'm asking for suggestions. I wasn't bothered by ds helping himself to the buffet (which you're right - those places are very kid-friendly, loud and the customers don't expect much), it was more his response to me when he threw his arm at me and stomped. I don't know, in thinking about it, I'm wondering if I would've normally let it slide and ignore it, but we were meeting up with some kids from his class and their mothers (of whom I only knew one). So, I can't help but wonder if I was feeling anxious about 'making a good impression' with these other women (I don't know how relaxed or GD they are) - which may have very well been the case today (okay, that was the case). And that's something I realize I need to let go.

But, with behaviors in general, I don't feel I do a good job conveying my expectations to him in a healthy and supportive manner. I usually begin with (a general for instance) "I expect you to tell me in words if there is something you disagree with rather than stomp your foot at me and pretend you're going to hit me." While thinking this through and typing, I realize that I probably should stop with that while talking to him. I think I begin to get harsh and blaming the more I say to him.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by trimomma

How do you convey to your dc what you expect from them without making your child feel demeaned, shamed or guilted? When talking to ds, I don't yell or punish, but at the end of the conversation, I almost always feel like I loaded a ton of guilt on him. I know I really need to relearn how I do this.

I hear ya, mama! This is so hard. I admit, there have been times after one of those moments, when stating my expectations has turned into a lecture and I hate myself for it. Usually when things really went awry and I'm at my wits end, but still... I hate to think I've undermined DS's confidence. Thank goodness for apologies and clear headed, calm conversation later in the day. Great advice from UUMom, very reassuring.

As for advice? Prep is my best way of dealing with this. I try to remember to inform DS BEFORE we go anywhere, where, what, when, and how it will all happen. Taking care to mention things like maybe having to wait in line, waiting for our food, etc. DS is 4 1/2 and since he was a tot, this approach has helped a lot. In fact, it seems MORE important now at 4 1/2 than it was say, a year ago. The only major problem with this approach however, is when I forget to do it.

For instance: I had to go into the bank to close my account a few weeks ago. I explained to DS before we went in, that we might have to wait, and then that I would need a moment to speak with the rep, sign papers, etc. during which I wouldn't be as available to him. He was fine. Better than fine. He knew the deal, and what was expected of him. We were in there perhaps 20-25 minutes or so and he played in the little wait area and only interrupted us one time.

Fast forward a few minutes to our next stop, Costco. We have done this routine several times and I took for granted that DS would know the drill. BUT, we are in a GIMME phase that takes over his mind like a monster whenever we enter any sort of store. The whole time it was, "I want this, that and the other" and when I explained *in the moment* that we were going to go and get some lunch and a treat after we shopped, not good enough. He proceded to get very pissy, turned into an angry dinosaur, and "roared" so loud in line that he startled several people. It was awful, out of control and I wanted to crawl under a rock. Now, I'm quite certain that had I taken the time to explain to DS beforehand exactly what we needed, how long it would take and that we'd get lunch afterward (rather than buy it in bulk ), etc., he most likely would have delt better with the situation.

DS tends to be anxious in groups of people and knowing what is expected beforehand helps him cope/focus I think. The memory of my explanation is fresh and when his mind is fogged by masses of people, new situations or giant sized boxes of Cheerioes, he can recall what I've said and feel in control. If perhaps not, I can give him a quiet reminder in his ear like, "remember what we talked about before we came in?" Not threatening in any way, just reminding him that we've got a plan that covers everything. When I forget to explain beforehand however, all bets are off. He might do fine or... not. Attempts to deal with things "in the moment" are very often, futile. Once he's perceived that he's been thwarted in any way, he gets angry and frustrated and his ability to "hear" me shuts down. I just haven't come up with a good way of dealing with things like this in the moment. If something happens, I just do my best, explain as best I can, take deep breaths, stay calm, etc. And then I make sure to discuss it together with DS later when we're relaxed and better connected so that we can really hear each other and perhaps handle things better next time around.

The best to you!

Em

[trimomma]

Embee - Thank you for your suggestion of doing a little pre-planning!

Once he's perceived that he's been thwarted in any way, he gets angry and frustrated and his ability to "hear" me shuts down

This is definitely ds (and, come to think of it, ME!!). I know I can have a much more easy-going and supportive tone about discussing expectations with him if I do so before we're in the heat of the moment. I really think ds would be much more open to conversation regarding what we're getting ready to do if we were discussing it before things get hairy. If I try to say something to him when we're out in public, even as a gentle reminder, he gets very offended and thinks I don't have faith in him handling the situation - which is certainly not something I want to convey to him. But, if we were to be discussing it together in the privacy of our car or house - it would be more of a conversation 'with' him rather than a conversation 'at' him. I need to be more diligent about doing this and I think my frustrating moments will be greatly decreased.

And, I've also made my fair amount of heart-felt apologies to my ds!! His response to me is 'It's okay, mommy, everyone makes mistakes.'

[Piglet68]

Don't have much to add. GREAT thread, and great replies!

I admit that I, too, struggle how to get my "expectations" across without heaping guilt or bad feelings on her. Mostly I think I try to avoid dealing with it "in the moment" and save the conversation for when things are calm and DD can listen easily. But still this nagging voice in my head says "you can't let her do that! you have to DO something!!". It's definitely worse if there is an audience of mamas I don't know well!

[maya44]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

Don't have much to add. GREAT thread, and great replies!

I admit that I, too, struggle how to get my "expectations" across without heaping guilt or bad feelings on her. Mostly I think I try to avoid dealing with it "in the moment" and save the conversation for when things are calm and DD can listen easily. But still this nagging voice in my head says "you can't let her do that! you have to DO something!!". It's definitely worse if there is an audience of mamas I don't know well!

EXACTLY!!!

First I would do some preventitive discussion of your expectations on your way to the Pizza place (or whereever) "You need to stay with me and....."
Have him tell you what he is supposed to do. If he won't let it go. He got the message.

Next I would like Piglet says, wait til later to discuss your expectations. Some calm nice time. It will be easier for you to be calm when you say "Today you stomped and preteneded to hit me. Next time when ...I expect you to use your words instead"

[writermommy]

If we are going somewhere and I have expectations for their behavior, we talk about it before we go. We have a lot less problems when I do this. Mine dds are 5, 7 and 2, so they still need reminding in some cases. They are often complimented on their behavior out in public. I try to compliment their good behavior to give them some positive feedback, not just reminders all the time. Like yesterday at Kindergarten Orientation, my dds were walking hand in hand with us through the hallway. A teacher walked by and complimented how nicely they were walking. There were A LOT of kids running in the halls and my dd would have been right with them if we hadn't talked about it on the way to school.

If we have a problem out in a restaurant, I will whisper a reminder in her ear. If she totally freaks out, I'd take our dinner to go. Later we talk about it, when we are both calm.

[trimomma]

Thanks to all of your for your replies. I am convinced now that talking about expectations, as well as letting ds know I can understand how excited/nervous/not very excited he might be feeling regarding our upcoming activity, before the said activity will save both of us so much frustration. I had been doing that for awhile when ds was 4 or so and things eased up quite a bit, so I thought maybe we didn't need to have so much discussion anymore. I didn't even stop to think that the reason things were going better was *because* of the pre-activity discussion!!