Gentle Discipline Dropout

[3daughters]

I've been mustering the courage to write this post for a while now. I honestly feel like a GD dropout and often wonder how I can even consider myself APing without it. I grew up in a house where yelling was the norm and I seem to have continued in this not so lovely legacy. My children are constantly challenging me by whining, complaing, disobeying and ignoring me. I work full time and am already short on patience when I walk in the door at the end of the day. I WANT TO CHANGE! Please help me.

[Momtwice]

You're not a dropout if you want to change.

In my opinion, yelling happens when mom is burnt out and lacking in support. If there is anyway you can pamper yourself sometimes, or get help, or sometimes do things that feed your soul...it is easier to be nice.

And yes I know that all these things are easier said than done!

Is there anything you can do ahead to make dinnertime easier...cook ahead and freeze on the weekend maybe? If evening is the most awful time, how can you plan ahead?

[UUMom]

Baby steps. baby steps. Figure out your greatest triggers, your most difficult points in the day and go from there. Do you need some help/ can you afford some help? Are the kids hungry? Can you pack some protein for the ride home. Bits of cheese, some whole grains bread, some carrot sticks? What would make certain times easier/smoother?

You have a lot going on, and stress is a huge trigger to anger. What's the worst time of day, and could any of us offer suggestions on making those times easier?

[jenmk]

Also helps to figure out if much of what your kids are doing is age appropriate. I found that once I discovered that my dc was just acting like a 3 year old, I had more patience for it, didn't take it so personally, and was able to work through things calmly and gently (most of the time).

And on my "bad-mom" days when I have no patience, I try to think of what I can do with the kids that is going to be easiest, and least annoying and trying for me (ie. taking them outside to play and run around rather than keeping them in the house). Whatever lowers my irritation levels makes it more likely that I can handle things better.

One last thought: how about taking the kids for a walk as soon as you get home? Getting fresh air and a little exercise may help everyone feel better. It may also help transistion everyone to the evening ahead.

Take it one step at a time. And don't forget to breathe.

HTH
jen

[**guest**]

great suggestions from pps already.

i find that when i am stressed it is very hard to stay patient and unconditional. even if i recognise this, some days i cannot do much about it.

have you read Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline, by Becky Bailey?

she has 'steps' and 'mind tricks' -- and i found it really helps.

for example, the saying 'this moment is as it is' -- to let go off the desire to control the situation. saying this helps me out a lot. i just automatically exhale when i say this.

also, focusing on what you want to have more of, rather than on the negatives; believing they have good intentions in mind and have reasons for their 'misbehaviour'.

HUGS.

[3daughters]

I wrote a huge response to all your suggestions this morning and clicked 'submit reply' and then my Explorer froze...grrrr!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their suggestions. Some of them are really workable, such as cooking in advance. It just required prior planning and extra energy on the weekends.

We do try to keep the kids OUT as much as possible since it seems to be the best way to keep them distracted and well-behaved. Weekends are the hardest with this since we are all home for the 2.5 day span. My oldest daughter has come to expect that she'll do something 'fun' every Sunday but life just isn't like that.

I think that the biggest part of my problem is that my girls do not entertain themselves. They have an apartment full of toys and eachother as playmates but they prefer to hang around within a foot of me at all times and whine that they are bored. TV and videos do not work as distractions in our house either. I will set them up with art projects and workbooks etc which helps temporarily. Any suggestions?

I do need a mother's helper but I'm not sure that I'd know what to do with one. Does that make sense?

[Pam_and_Abigail]

I need some advice like this...

[eksmom]

: Yep, I'm struggling with this right now.

[3daughters]

OK, so no more words of wisdom. Hmmm...I guess that means that there are no easy answers.

Thanks to the moms who posted that they have similar issues. You made me feel 'normal'. The other APing practices came to me so naturally so it pains me that this one is hard for me. I feel like I'm undoing all the other good work that I'm doing with my babies as they get older and tougher.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by Tziona

OK, so no more words of wisdom. Hmmm...I guess that means that there are no easy answers.

Thanks to the moms who posted that they have similar issues. You made me feel 'normal'. The other APing practices came to me so naturally so it pains me that this one is hard for me. I feel like I'm undoing all the other good work that I'm doing with my babies as they get older and tougher.

well, there are no magic words. Wish that there were.

Do any of the suggestions feel helpful?

[octobermom]

I think that the biggest part of my problem is that my girls do not entertain themselves. They have an apartment full of toys and eachother as playmates but they prefer to hang around within a foot of me at all times and whine that they are bored. TV and videos do not work as distractions in our house either. I will set them up with art projects and workbooks etc which helps temporarily. Any suggestions?

One of the biggest mistake parents make is thinking all kids know how to play, its actually not true most need to be taught. Your children soun like they relay on your feedback to know what to "play" some suggestions
1) giving a task if your paying bills at the kitchen table have them sit and color or looking at boks
2) "let me see what you can do" engage the kids playing with a toy that takes some immagination such as blocks puzzles discuss things they can build and encourage them to expand and build when they ask for you tell them I need to see what you can do and promise to be there when they are done Ohh and AHH over the final result
3) make the house hold stuff "play" got to clean the house? cook dinner? go shopping? get the kids involved not just distracted have the older ones prepare a salad while you make the veggies, teach them how to dust while you vaccumm, let them be incharge of getting the apples at the store
4) ARt projects can go aloong ways..

HTH
Deanna

[wendyk]

Originally Posted by octobermom

make the house hold stuff "play" got to clean the house? cook dinner? go shopping? get the kids involved not just distracted have the older ones prepare a salad while you make the veggies, teach them how to dust while you vaccumm, let them be incharge of getting the apples at the store

In the "here's what's worked for me" category, octobermom's advice is right on. If dd is underfoot while I'm cooking dinner, I set her up in her learning tower at the sink with just a drizzle of running water, some metals bowls and a scrub brush so she can "wash" dishes. Or, I bring her play food into the kitchen and she drags out a couple of pots and spoons and "cooks" while I do. Sometimes she helps me stir things or cut up mushrooms (which can be done pretty safely with a butter knife). If I'm outside weeding, I point out which ones are weeds and let her pull to her heart's content. Or I find her a small shovel that she can use to dig in the dirt while I'm weeding.

I have several examples, but what has always worked best for me is to look for ways to involve her in what I'm doing rather than distract her. My personal experience is that I get a lot more frustrated with the distraction method than I do the inevitable slow-down of my "chores" since the distraction rarely lasts as long as I need it to. Certainly there are times when there's not a safe way for her to be involved in what I'm doing (say, up on a ladder painting), but I try to do those things while she's napping, when dh is there or have a mother's helper come over.

Hope that's helpful.

Wendy

[canadiyank]

As far as the mother's helper I try to employ one whenever I forsee a time that will be especially difficult...e.g., on Sunday after church dh had a fantasy football draft and then a meeting that night, and Sundays are stressful/busy for me since I'm the music co-ordinator, so I had a 12 yo girl from around the corner come over for 2 hrs. in the afternoon. Dd1 loves her b/c she will do whatever dd wants and she carries the baby around and brings her to me when she's hungry. I got a lot of chores done and some time "alone" even though they're in the same house/yard and it only cost me $6, LOL. I don't do this often, but even an hour can bring relief...I pay my girl $3/hr. so it's a heckuva deal and dd1 loves having someone who will indulge her every whim.

[3daughters]

Yes, some of these suggestions are helpful.

I understand what you are all saying about guiding the girls in their play. However, I don't know how well that can work considering my current lifestyle. When I do chores I don't have time to dawdle and let my 4 y.o. or 6 y.o. help me. I'm tired and impatient after a long day at work and efficiency is the key. In addition, there are 2 of them and with the dishwashing example, there is only room for one at the sink. The baby is easy enough to please when cranky...I just wear her and she is appease.

[3daughters]

Yes, some of these suggestions are helpful.

I understand what you are all saying about guiding the girls in their play. However, I don't know how well that can work considering my current lifestyle. When I do chores I don't have time to dawdle and let my 4 y.o. or 6 y.o. help me. I'm tired and impatient after a long day at work and efficiency is the key. In addition, there are 2 of them and with the dishwashing example, there is only room for one at the sink. The baby is easy enough to please when cranky...I just wear her and she is appease.

I think my fear in hiring a mother's helper is that the girls will still gravitate towards me if I'm in the house. Also, I have a hard time with giving directions, I just find it easier to do things myself. Lastly, and I know this is self-defeating, I feel guilty handing over my childcare to another individual when my time with my kids is limited to start with.

[tiafit]

mama helper

mama's helper even a 9, 10 , 11 year old that you like who can sit and play with kids while you catch up on house stuff. any family? I know i have 2 boys under 3 and i am feeling it as well . it is so hard to not loose it somem times. I am reading a great book call unconditional parentinng by alfie kohn. read about it on a thread . ima on ly on pg 64 and it is the first parenting book that i can not wait to fiinsh . gotta run kids are ready for bed. good luck : :LOL

[Ruthla]

If you're asking for help, and feeling like a "dropout" then there's hope! If you thought yelling was "working" then you'd have no incentive to change your parenting style, right?

Here's how I always look at it: I struggle to control my anger, and I'm not always sucessful. When I "fail" to keep my voice down, I'm not a "failure"- it's "ok, I didn't quite reach my goals that minute. I'll keep trying."

As for practical suggestions- you mentioned that you work out of the house full-time, is there another adult in the household who could share with the housework? I imagine that the after-dinner cleanup wouldn't be so stressful for you if somebody else could do it for you!

[octobermom]

Take this kindly... Don't let you working full time be an excuse for being impatient with your kids. Use paper plates a few days a week if thats what it takes .. Also get them involved it will take so time at first but things will run a LOT smoother once they are used to it. Sone can wash one can dry, one can be cleaning of the table surfaces or sweeping while the other picks up the living room, getting them involved will make things more efficent and allow you to enjoy what time you do have with your kids.

Deanna

[UUMom]

What dwadling might cost in terms of efficiency might pay for itself in less stress for you. Slowing down is hard. Allowing ourselves the luxury of lower standards is as well. Efficiency and multiple tiny children don't go together very well. You have to give yourself permission to let some things go. You don;t want to look back on these years with a lot of regrets.

I agree that maybe the mother's helper could more help with small chores (sweeping, putting dishes away, folding laundry etc )rather than childcare. Or perhaps she/he could play with one child or two while you help another with homework or play a board game or something.

[mamakay]

Originally Posted by octobermom

Take this kindly... Don't let you working full time be an excuse for being impatient with your kids. Use paper plates a few days a week if thats what it takes .. Also get them involved it will take so time at first but things will run a LOT smoother once they are used to it. Sone can wash one can dry, one can be cleaning of the table surfaces or sweeping while the other picks up the living room, getting them involved will make things more efficent and allow you to enjoy what time you do have with your kids.

Deanna

I'll even go a little farther and suggest that you let the housework slip sometimes.
Some things have to be done, but some can wait. Catch back up when the kids are in a mood to entertain themselves.
Or just hire a maid, if it's anything close to feasible. We're fairly low-income folk, but I'm getting to the point where I know we need to get some housekeeping help. It will be less than 1/4th of my income. We're living week to week, but my stress over housework is just not worth it.
Either way, the little ones come first.....even knowing the chores benefit them.
I understand your frustration...btdt....but something's gotta give. And it shouldn't be the little ones.