support for family visit

[Jlse]

My parents will be here in a day or two (traveling by car a long distance). They stopped and visited with my MIL on the way down. She has since emailed me 'just letting me know' that they brought up we were homebirthing and were concerned about it. She said she thought it was ok but that I might want to know since they may give me a hard time about it. I have a wonderful MIL (yay for me!!) and she is quite supportive of all our decisions - keeps telling us how impressed she is - always makes me feel great. MY parents on the other hand question my choices and say they are supportive and then go talk about how 'concerned' they are about me. Grrrrr I hate this - they did this to me and we stopped talking for many months when I decided to marry dh.

I tend to get defensive around them - which makes it worse and my mom then says I have a problem with anger (I don't normally - she just frustrates me to death!) So through email she told me how neat and great and all that about our decision for homebirth - and now when they are here I'll be grilled and made to feel uncomfortable and defensive. HOW HOW can I react better and NOT let them get to me? Dh and I have already discussed it and I let him know he needs to be 200% supportive of our decision!! I had hoped they would decide not to come but won't be seeing them at the holidays (and will not ever go out of my way to visit them after these past few years). I love my parents - several states away - visits are always unpredictable. So this could go either really great - or end in us not talking. I'd rather the former take place.

Thanks for advice!

[jplain]

Honestly? I think as soon as the subject came up I'd pull out a file folder of articles (including medical journal articles or abstracts of journal articles) attesting to the safety and benefits of homebirth. As I hand it over, I'd firmly say "After you've read these, we can talk. Until then, I'm not interested in discussion."

Hang in there!
Carolyn

[MelissaEvans]

I've noticed in many areas of concern (co-sleeping, extended nursing, not circ'ing) people will argue because of one of two reasons. Either they really want what's best and are uninformed so working with them, educating them, and being paitent can help everyone feel better. Or they're set, they don't want to hear otherwise, and they are closed to information (perhaps defensive because they didn't make that choice and interpret your choice as saying they did it wrong (and in some cases, perhaps they did)). In that case, I see no point wasting effort; just tell them that "we've made up our minds; if you can't support us then you may not bring it up."

I hope it goes well for you! My mom was here a few weeks ago and I am very familiar with your concern. If it gives you hope, my mom who has never accepted anything I've done, came around and understood. I could tell it wasn't a choice she would make, and I can respect that, but she could see that we weren't being irresponsible and would support us.

[indiana ima]

i am fond of the phrase "let's have a nice visit". say it with a smile. it works wonders with my mom, and she's even had to use it on me once when i was being a twit.

[WinterBaby]

I'd go with a positive outlook and assume that they were only bouncing any lingering conerns privately (or not so) off MIL (who seems to have taken your part,) and will continue to keep the supportive face on to you. So staying confident and decidedly undefensive over my choices until such time as they actually said something to me that was less than supportive If they know things have become heated leading to a cease in communication in the past, they may well have every intention of never questioning your plans and smiling encouragingly every time you talk about them even if they're totally baffled by them, LOL. Maybe MIL wasn't really helpful in giving you that heads up if they weren't really intending on expressing doubts and fears (which every mom prolly has a few of as her daughter heads in to birth) to you. <shrug>

[ZeldasMom]

Parents can have a way of pushing your buttons, can't they? DP and I both have parents who are divorced and remarried, so we have a lot o' parents between us.

I think there are 2 ways to go: (1) discussing/explaining HB with the rationale that it will ease their minds and they will be cool about it and (2) not engaging in extended discussion, and instead coming up with a strategy to make this happen. If you decide to go the information route, this thread had some hlpful links:
http://69.20.14.30/discussions/showthread.php?t=271991
From what you say it sounds like not getting into the HB nitty gritty with them is what you would prefer.

I totally know what it's like to feel defensive in the face of unsupportive remarks from those you love (and from those you don't :LOL ). It would be so nice to hear supportive remarks more than we do. If you can find a way to be light about it and let their feelings about your decision be their issue, and not yours, I think it helps. Easier said than done, I know!

I believe my dad does respect that we are intelligent people and are making good decisons (when it comes to our parenting decisions in general he says things like "even though I may not agree with everything you do, I realize that your DS is your child, so you are who gets to decide how to raise him") but he does make snarky comments/try to bait us/tease us a little bit about the HB. I don't think he gets what a big deal the birth is to us. I don't engage with it. I kind of smilingly roll my eyes and bring up another topic.

[Jlse]

Thanks for the support and advice! I am most defensive around my own mom - when MIL initially asked I approached her much differently and very gently. I have no idea why I have a harder time with my own mom - maybe b/c of past experience. I'm going to try and pretend I don't know their concerns at all and have handy books, articles, etc. if they are genuinely curious wanting to know more. She had wanted to go to an apt. with me but then canceled that trip and now my midwife is out of town and I just had this month's so I think that would have been nice. I think I'm feeling more positive...

[jraohc]

Any insight on why it's so hard to do the "just don't discuss it" approach? I have a feeling that's the one I'll have to take, but I don't know how to do it without making myself totally stressed. Any thoughts or suggestions?

I guess in some respect I want my mother's approval and support. I need to realize I'm almost certainly not going to get it. Thoughts on other places to find it?