not a parent anymore

[LdyBluNH@aol]

given how little time i'll have with dd now that she's in public school i guess i can officially stop calling myself "mom"

two hours a day and two days of the weekend i'd say is much more in line with babysitter

i feel so completely god awful miserable about this; like overnight i'm stripped of all rights and all associations with dd

they even mandate how much reading we do with her at home - i dont get that one given i sure dont get ot mandate jack about what they do with her during school time, in fact i'm not allowed in the classroom unless by special exception

[TiredX2]

I am so sorry you feel that way That's really too bad about you not being allowed in the school--- can you try to set up a volunteer activity? Even if you weren't needed in the class, a lot of teachers like parents to help grade/staple/copy/prepare art supplies/etc... and you could feel a bit more in contact.

DD is starting school tomorrow and I *really* hope I don't feel the same way, but I do feel like my heart is being ripped out.

[flyingspaghettimama]

That is super sad. Parents are not usually used in my daughter's classroom either, but there are lots of other ways to be involved at her school - recess monitors, having lunch with kids, volunteering in the school, going on field trips, etc. And there are alternative/charter schools in my area where parents are an integral part of the classroom, also very cool. Are there some ways you could be involved where you didn't feel so left out? Parents are a huge part of the educational process! Some studies have found parental involvement to be one of the top factors for a school's success...

[mammastar2]

Hey, it just sounds to me like parenting is entering a new phase for her - you'll find you're just as much her mommy once she's in school! I know before I began working full-time I really didn't understand how I could still "be" my daughter's mommy anymore once I was away during the workday, but once things get underway you'll find you just ARE.

I second what the others said about finding ways to volunteer - maybe also look at creating some special new traditions with her, whether it's a Friday evening picnic in the living room, Saturday morning swimming, or whatever.

[LdyBluNH@aol]

i truly appreciate the suggestion of volunteering; right now i dont think doing work for some person i don't know for no pay is going to help me feel closer to my dd

i spent 16+ years working in offices; its just more work to me

[flyingspaghettimama]

Originally Posted by LdyBluNH@aol

i truly appreciate the suggestion of volunteering; right now i dont think doing work for some person i don't know for no pay is going to help me feel closer to my dd

i spent 16+ years working in offices; its just more work to me

Well... it will help you feel closer to her school and get to know people who work there, which can only benefit both you and her in the end. Parents who volunteer - honestly - also usually get listened and respected a bit more than the average parent, because they'll have to see you the next day, and they know you care.

You don't have to do office work. There are lots of cool ways to help, including listening to beginning readers, working with the PTA, helping design bulletin boards, planning the halloween carnival, etc etc...

You sound like you feel bitter and shut out about the whole thing, you might also investigate other schooling options?

[CarrieMF]

I volunteered last year and rarely was it any kind of office work. It was helping the kids read, do their work, help with spelling, making up their centers, putting bulletin boards up and there was alot of kindergarten type work, preparing, alot of cutting things out and organization projects. I also helped during special activities like when they made gingerbread houses, fun day, reading days. I didn't do alot of one-on-one with my dd, but she loved having me there even if I wasn't in her room that day. I was also able to see what they were working on in class.

Do you have a job that allows you to only see them for 2hours a day during the week? My dd is here with us for 1hour in the morning and 4.5-5.5(they get out early on Wed's) hours after school.

She will always need you as her mother, even when she's grown and out of the house with a family of her own.

[mammastar2]

I guess I've never seen school volunteering as "working for" someone I don't know - it's just participating in my kids' lives and being familiar with an environment where lots of important stuff goes on for them. I've generally mostly done volunteer work reading with children who needed extra help, and I've also been the parent in charge of getting library books each month, tieing them in to the monthly themes. I've also organized classroom materials. Other parents go along on field trips, do fundraisers, assist with classroom upkeep, plan/execute special events, or call to check on kids who didn't come to class that day (the safe arrival program). All valuable and a good way of participating in your child's life - if you find the 'right match' in terms of a volunteer position at the school, it can be very rewarding.

As children grow and as our lives change over time, our role as parents changes - doesn't have to be a bad thing at all!

[wildmonkeys]

I am sorry you are feeling so sad - I am feeling pretty sad with ds gone for his first whole day too. Do you have a job that limits the hours you will be with your dc so drastically? DS is going to all day public school and I think we will have 2 hours in the morning and 5 after school each day as well as anytime that I spend helping out with his class...

BJ
Barney & Ben

[Ruthla]

Of course you're still her mom!!! No matter how little you saw her each day, you'd still be somebody very, very special in her life!!!

[Sneezykids]

Of course you are still a mom!
I'm sorry you feel so shut out, is your job very flexible where you can spend time at the school?
I agree with the other posters, being there you can see what is going on and that might help you feel better too. Being involved. I have done volunteering too, read books, helped with gingerbread houses (what a fun mess!!) all of it, even though you are not getting paid, is time spent well! I love to get to know the other kids and it makes me feel good to know them a little bit, and some I know very well.
Does your childs school serve breakfast? If you work, perhaps when you drop her off you can share breakfast w/ her?
I did this a few times when I was working, we shared a bagel and cream cheese and OJ in her schools new cafe. She normally didn't eat breakfast at school so to her it was a big deal and she was thrilled I took the time to do that.
I hope you feel better soon. And remember you are still your child's parent, always!

[LdyBluNH@aol]

the school has a rule that if i volunteer i can not do it in dd's class so any efforts will be for other teachers/kids that i dont know. i would welcome the chance to work in dd's class and would not consider it "work" but rather an investment of myself and for dd. but that's not an option. so far whenever someone talks about volunteer jobs the say photocopying and laminating so it sounds like a lot of office work to be done, nothing else has been mentioned

we dont own a house and have plans to move out of this current location (so most likely this particular school) before dd would "graduate" so i don't feel any deep need to bond with a third grade teacher (as example) when we dont expect to be around at that time

dd will get home at 330 and go to bed at 8 - once you lose two hours to dinner and the night routine there isnt much time left

[LdyBluNH@aol]

all the big changes that i've gone through with a kid has been done in steps - walking, talking, weaning etc.

i've decided that what's really wrong about going to school is that its un-natural about its progression

its just overnight **BOOM** that's it you have practically no parental connection; there's no steps, no adjusting no nothing

god forbid you find it hard to much such a change instantaneously - you get buried in cliches about first time moms; letting go; growing up etc. to the point it starts to sound like there's something wrong with YOU for not adjusting instantly

[philomom]

My middle schooler has a long day, but I'm still her mom. I still give her Tlc and tuck her in at night. I'm the one that helps our family with work and play time. I find the Motrin when she has Pms and slip an chocolate into her lunch. I write her little notes and help her with her hair. The teachers and other kids can't do that for her.

[EFmom]

I'm sorry you are feeling badly about this.

My kids go to ps, and I can assure you that I'm very much their mother. In our case ps has been great for them.

[Sneezykids]

and forget the cliches, nobody is asking you to adjust overnight. Is she in 3rd grade? Can you extend her bedtime? Our 8 year old can stay up til 8:30-9pm. I'm sorry this is so hard right now
Maybe you can move to a better school district where there is more parent invovlement.

[UUMom]

Don't forget that dinner time and bedtime rituals are very important to children. They are the most important part of the day for many. My kids run around like crazy during the day, and I hardly see them depending on which part of the day it is. But come dinner and bed, they are all over dh and me, needing their rituals.

Maybe you are more cut out to be a hser.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

I am sorry you are feeling so sad - I am feeling pretty sad with ds gone for his first whole day too. Do you have a job that limits the hours you will be with your dc so drastically? DS is going to all day public school and I think we will have 2 hours in the morning and 5 after school each day as well as anytime that I spend helping out with his class...

BJ
Barney & Ben

I think your math is more accurate. My ds starts school at 9 and I drive him. I also pick him and we're home before 3. He goes to bed about 9. So we have time in the morning, and nearly 6 hours after school.

He starts next week and I wish he'd hs with us. I miss him a lot.

[wildmonkeys]

I think it is silly that they won't let you volunteer in your own child's class :

I agree with UUMom - I think dinner & bedtime routine are a huge part of your child's day. I have great memories of both with my parents and brother. Maybe find ways to make them extra special and fun? Talk about school - like what was the funniest thing that happened at school today? Maybe read the book the "Kissing Hand" and put little "kiss" stickers in their lunchbox? Yesterday I made ds a card that says "I love Sam - Mom" and put it in his lunchbox along with a special dinosaur napkin. He said he couldn't figure out what it was at first but then it made him laugh because I am so silly

Hope it is going better, but do offer you my empathy...I REALLY miss ds too

BJ
Barney & Ben

[mamaley]

Originally Posted by LdyBluNH@aol

all the big changes that i've gone through with a kid has been done in steps - walking, talking, weaning etc.

i've decided that what's really wrong about going to school is that its un-natural about its progression

its just overnight **BOOM** that's it you have practically no parental connection; there's no steps, no adjusting no nothing

god forbid you find it hard to much such a change instantaneously - you get buried in cliches about first time moms; letting go; growing up etc. to the point it starts to sound like there's something wrong with YOU for not adjusting instantly

I know what you mean.