Need advice on how to tell infertile sister....

[mamato4]

I need advice on how to tell my sister (who is TTC for 1.5 yrs) that I am pg with my 5th dc. I under no circumstances want to sadden her with my news, but my pg was planned. This has been a very difficult road for her. She miscarried Feb'04 and has not been able to conceive since then. Her and dh are under infert treatmt, but after 1st insemination no luck. What would anyone suggest? I have obviously never had to deal with this pain, so I want to handle with care and proceed very cautiously. Do I just tell her and not hold my secret for a while (which is what I am leaning towards)

Any tips would be very welcomed!!

[pumpkin]

Don't make a big family announcement without warning her first. Tell her in private. Make sure that when you tell her she has the option of just being by herself for awhile. That means don't take her aside at the start of a big family dinner and tell her and then expect her to go into the room with family and put on a happy face.

She will be happy for you. But she may also feel some initial heartbreak. Just tell her in a way that allows her the freedom and privacy to process her conflicting emotions.

[Tine]

One of my favorite blogs (by a woman who endured an unbelievable amount of infertility struggles and loss--but is now a mother) has a page called "How to Be Good Friends to an Infertile." Great advice there (including how to announce a pregnancy). Here's the link: http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2..._be_good_.html

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[AdinaL]

Yep - seconding Tertia's blog.

Just be kind. Tell her alone. Prior to the family announcement - like days prior, not minutes. She may be fine, she may beed tie to be upset b herself. She will be happy for you. She will be sad for herself. The most important thing you can remember is that her upset about her NOT being pregnant is NOT wishing you weren't pregnant. It isn't about resenting you, or wishing you ill. It is simply being sad for herself. It is tough to watch other people achieve what you can't, doesn't mean you don't want them to achieve it - you just wish you were part of the club too.

Just be gentle, and don't take her reaction - if it is negative - personally.

[Starr]

I think its great that you are so concerned with her feelings. DH's side of the family could use a little more tact. When the middle brother and my SIL were expecting he made us come over to his parents house and just told us like it was no big deal, SIL wasnt there, then his mom got mad at me for not being more excited. : And last week we found out his oldest brother and his GF are expecting and again they told us at IL's house. MIL said she wanted to be sitting near me when they told us so she could see my face and see if I was really happy for them.

Definetly tell them days in advance.

[mamato4]

THANKS!! for all the great advice. I will log onto the blog site and see what it says. I have not told my kids even cuz I want her to be the first. I plan on telling her by herself and absolutley not at a gathering.

Starr, I'm so sorry for the way you've been treated! I can't imagine being treated like that by family.

[13moons]

Good luck mamato4--I know how you feel. My best friend can't have kids and about a year and a half ago, when she was still trying but with no success, I thought for sure I was pg. My first thought was worry at how that would make her feel. I wasn't pg after all and didn't have to deal with the situation you are now in, but I think you've been given some good advice. My best friend and I have since talked about it and she says what has been said here, that even though she might feel sad for herself also she would be happy for me regardless. Congrats and good luck.

[fenwickmama]

just popping in to agree w/the pp's about the aforementioned blog and also def. telling her separately and in advance of the big announcement. in my mind, it's huge that you are even thinking about this, shows how aware you are of her feelings and that's the most important thing. others are correct, it won't be you her emotions are directed toward. but it is hard.

and starr, that sucks! my sis and my best friend got pg while i was trying but my sis wasn't in the loop of our status and my bf was just very aware of my feelings and we are fine.

congratulations on your pregnancy!

[F and L]

to all of this, I'd add, give her permission not to be happy for you; to wish you weren't pregnant; to feel jealous, and to absent herself from any baby related showers or gatherings where your pregnancy will be the focus of attention. I have to be honest and say that when I was going through multiple IVFs and miscarriages, I would have found it insufferable to be around anybody undergoing an easily achieved fifth pregnancy.