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special needs parenting with an unwilling partner

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
post #2 of 9
Oh honey, I feel for you. Not only do you have an ass for a husband, but you also have 2 special needs kids. I pray that your husband will eventually go to counseling and you both can work things out. Sorry I'm not of much help.

post #3 of 9
I don't have any special needs children, but i do have a special needs hubby... His father left him when he was like 4 and he really didn't see him after that... So my dh problem is that he doesn't know how to be a dad... His mom didn't remarry until he was like 12 years old... So he didnt get it at all.. I waited until we were in teh care driving one day and laid it down for him... After all you can't escape a moving care he had to listen... I didn't yell at him i just told him look.. You didn't have a dad, so you seem a little lost with what a dad does... You need to treat the boys in an age appropriate way... They aren't adults.. They don't think like adults... If you keep this up they aren't going to want to be with you...

We have to repeat this conversation periodically because he really doesn't get that how he is is affecting his children.. He loves them he thinks, but he isn't really sure what love is... He says he will really know how much he loves something after it leaves... I told him he doesn't want the boys to leave to give them everything he can NOW so they wont want to...

Needless to say i don't know your dh, but maybe a conversation along these lines is in order.. I know how angry and hurt you are, but it's possible he doesn't get it... Remember to be non judgemental, and as understanding with him as possible... I know that seems impossible... I had my tonsils and a lymphnode taken out this year and was incapacited for 2 weeks, couldn't eat anything, but i still had to cook for everyone...

It's frustrating.. You aren't alone... I guess i rambled alot with out giving you anything useful... SOrry. But at least you know you aren't out there alone...

Warm Squishy fEelings....

post #4 of 9

Honey, this is a rough time in any family with special needs kiddos. You are dealing with your children and your feelings and want some support, but your dh is dealing with his feelings about the kids as well. Many men find it difficult to "get on board" when their children are diagnosed with problems. It really sounds like he is going through the grieving process still (denial is the first stage). It makes it hard because he gets to bury his head in the sand while you do the work with the kids, but give him a little time. Have you sat down and told just how frustrated and angry you are (as well as tired and overwhelmed?)? He needs to hear that this is a serious problem. And feel free to PM me whenever you need to talk. I have been there and back again, sister!
post #5 of 9
I am sorry you are going through this...Hugs

After years of counseling, I have come to see marriage as an interactive relationship. Sometimes cycles can develop - you do something, dh reacts, you get madd at his reaction, your reaction to him makes him withdraw, you get madd at the withdrawal, etc. Sometimes we can continue in these cycles for years without knowing it. I hope this does not sound like I am blaming you - it is not his fault or yours really.

If he won't go to counseling then you can only go and work on you. It's like the Ala-non, group for partners of alcoholics - they can't change their spouse, they can only change themselves. Look for some of their literature - it is good stuff!

Sounds like you could use some emotional support. Do you have family or a friend around that can help to lighten your load a little? You have too much on your plate right now - looks for help from others if your husband won't help. Maybe you could ask a friend for help with the hosuework while you recover. I would be there in a minute if we lived close!

I am sorry that your Dh can't cope with the situation. We all handle things differently and sometimes we make bad choices with our actions. Maybe he is doing all he is able to do right now (emotionally)? But it is not enough for you...

You and your family will be in my prayers.

post #6 of 9
Thread Starter 
Thanks mamas. You guys are so great. It's true that he's in denial-the only problem is that he has been there for more than 5 years now.
He didn't really have a father. He called his dad by his 1st name and his dad was one of those guys that just couldn't wait for his son to turn 13 so he could give him his 1st joint.:

He is a very sweet man but he lives in the land of denial....
post #7 of 9
Hang in there Treelove. Sounds unbelieveable hard. My shrink just gave me some marvelous relationship advice recently. She says, when you get bone tired of teaching "emotional kindergarten" to your dh, give him ample opportunities to please you, and let him. This at least offsets his relationship inabilities. Maybe it's too simplistic for your situation, but just my 2 cents... Good luck!
post #8 of 9
if anyone tracks my postings they will see I have posted this one a few times. but it is so valuable.....

Please go out and get the most fantastic book about your exact situation. It is called "the Dance of Anger." You can order it on Amazon. Read the reviews of it.

You and your husband are on a teeter totter called "overfunctioning" "underfunctioning" I think you know who is doing what.... you do, do, do... and he is passive, passive, passive.....

When you read the book, written by a therapist, you will see some examples that just fit you. And she will give you some clear examples of how to do things differently. Basically, your husband would rather get "into" it with you than face his fears around fatherhood, your kids, himself, etc. So, in order for him to start looking at himself you've got to get off the teeter totter.

I'm not doing the book justice. Read it.
this book changed my life. It is a very, very simple book and not too long and a fast read...... I promise. Once you start doing some of her examples then you can really start seeing what you've got going on.
post #9 of 9
Thread Starter 
Thanks! I'm gonna log out and go to amazon RIGHT NOW!
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