I am sorry you are going through this...Hugs
After years of counseling, I have come to see marriage as an interactive relationship. Sometimes cycles can develop - you do something, dh reacts, you get madd at his reaction, your reaction to him makes him withdraw, you get madd at the withdrawal, etc. Sometimes we can continue in these cycles for years without knowing it. I hope this does not sound like I am blaming you - it is not his fault or yours really.
If he won't go to counseling then you can only go and work on you. It's like the Ala-non, group for partners of alcoholics - they can't change their spouse, they can only change themselves. Look for some of their literature - it is good stuff!
Sounds like you could use some emotional support. Do you have family or a friend around that can help to lighten your load a little? You have too much on your plate right now - looks for help from others if your husband won't help. Maybe you could ask a friend for help with the hosuework while you recover. I would be there in a minute if we lived close!
I am sorry that your Dh can't cope with the situation. We all handle things differently and sometimes we make bad choices with our actions. Maybe he is doing all he is able to do right now (emotionally)? But it is not enough for you...
You and your family will be in my prayers.