Extremely Depressed

[bleeglaser]

I may have lost my homebirth. I'm due Sept 11th and this is my first baby. We had a meeting yesterday with everyone who will be at the birth. My mom is not a homebirth advocate but I've asked her to be there. All of my aunts from her family and herself had problems delivering their babies. And both aunts on my dad's side had issues. So she is scared that something will go wrong and the midwife asked her what concerns that she had. My mom kind of felt pointed out and like a animal backed into a corner didn't respond the best way. Now my midwife doesn't want to do our homebirth if my mom is going to be there. I want my mom there and I know that she is just worried about her little girl. I don't know what to do at this point. My mom is not going to be comfortable with a homebirth until she participates in one, and my midwife is going to accept her negative view of homebirth. What should I do? :

[wendy1221]

I'm sorry, but I kind of agree w/ your midwife. You don't need any negative energy around you during your birth. Why do you feel she NEEDS to be there? If she's not comfortable and your mw doesn't want her there, then why are you forcing the issue? Is it because you really feel you need your mom's support (as in you really need her physically there) or because you're trying to prove a point to her?

[jplain]

I think you need to ask yourself why you want your mom there.
Of course she wants to look out for her little girl. But has her participation to this point been helpful to you? Will it be helpful to you from now on?
And which is more important to you ~ having her there or having a homebirth?

I think it is important to have only people who are positive and supportive at your birth, regardless of where you choose to birth. You need to focus on the work of labor and delivery, and others' negative emotions may prevent your body and mind from working most effectively.

Even if you choose to birth in a hospital, it sounds like your mom might not be a very good support person for you if she's bringing in fears related to hers and her sisters' births.

(((hugs)))
Carolyn

[ZeldasMom]

What a horrible situation! I think it's odd for your midwife to be making rules about who can/can't be there. One of the reasons for having a homebirth imo is so you have more control over this kind of thing.

At the same time, I do agree with pp that I wouldn't have anyone present at the birthof my child who wasn't supportive of homebirth. Though I think this should be your choice/issue to procces and work through, not something for your midwife to decide for you. In a way this lets you off the hook and keeps you from doing some work you may need to do to get ready for the birth.

Of course, your midwife is a professional providing a service, and she has the right to say under what conditions she will and will not work. I wish this wasn't happening so close to the birth--not what you need right now.

Good luck with working this out--let us know what happens.

[sarahloughmiller]

I understand why you want your mom there, but I have to agree that maybe she should not be there. My MIL was at my ds's birth and in my opinion his birth went great. It was a long, odd labor and he was born with the cord around his neck and very blue, but overall it was a great birth experience and we were thankful to not be in the hospital. To hear my MIL talk about the birth ds almost died and was blue for hours (he cried at 1 min post birth and imediatley got his color back). I would never have her be at a birth again of mine, home or not, because she is not supportive of the way we do things. Sorry to ramble a bit about my own issues, it is a sore subject with me these days. You just don't need the negative energy there during your birth, you need people who know that you are doing is the right thing and who fully support you. Not that I really agree with the mw telling you she will not attend if your mom does, I don't think it is her place to choose who you have there for support, but I do agree that maybe she should not be there. I think you should really talk this over with your mw and let her know if it is really important to you for your mother to be there and also talk to you mother more about it and try your best to get her well informed on hb and what is going to happen at the birth. Good luck, I hope you get the birth that you want with the people you want to be there. It is your birth and you should get to do what you want.

[WinterBaby]

Her fear isn't going to evaporate when you go into labor, it's going to come acutely into focus. Consider how helpful that will be to you. Asking someone specifically what their fears are is really a pretty neutral question to begin airing and addressing them. If your mother is confrontational and unpleasant to your midwife, I can see why your midwife feels there would be too much conflict with both of them attending your birth right there. But if further, she feels your midwife is unsafe and not competent and that the whole thing is doomed to failure... well, she's not only affecting your birth space, but also the space the midwife is trying to be in to be at your birth in the best possible way. Especially given the legal status of midwifery in your state, your midwife could percieve some real legal trouble from her should everything not go perfectly - and then maybe even if it does. It's a red flag any way you read it.

[crunchymomof2]

My mom was nervous about the homebirth but I wanted her there. I know she was nervous during my labor but she just kept herself busy cleaning various things. I think she was nervous because she had 2 necesary c/s and I had one c/s. But when all was said and done she was thrilled to have been there and wants to catch the next one. :LOL

I just thought I would throw that out. I knew my mom would be nervous but I also knew that she wouldnt hinder me in any way and if she did I would have sent her home. You know what your mom will be like. If you think she will be fine than talk to your mw. Maybe make some kind of agreement about her leaving if she is hindering you?

[mandib50]

[ My mom is not a homebirth advocate but I've asked her to be there. So she is scared that something will go wrong and the midwife asked her what concerns that she had. ... My mom is not going to be comfortable with a homebirth until she participates in one,

it sounds like a really tough situation for you
from what you have described, your midwife may be picking up on the fact that she thinks your mom may hinder your labor, not intentionally of course, but if your mom is already opposed and scared, just being at a homebirth may not make her more comfortable. perhaps your midwife feels she would have to spend her time at your birth allaying your moms fears which would really take away from you?

my girlfriend had her mom at her first homebirth and she wishes she wasn't there because she said her mom made it really difficult for her. her mom was scared and disrupted the birthing energy. my friend ended up transferring for a c/s the first time too. although she does not blame her mother at all, she feels it was a contributing factor.

maybe you could compromise and have your mom in the house but not where you are birthing or laboring or maybe you could have your mom come over just after the baby is born or when you are pushing?

good luck!
mandi

[jerawo]

I did want my mom at my homebirth, but she wasn't crazy about it and DH thought having her around wouldn't be a good idea (she's also a nurse practitioner). I did see his viewpoint and agreeded that negative energy in my house wasn't something that would help my labor and birth.

Your mom can help in so many ways; being at the birth isn't the only way for her to be involved in her grandchild and child's life. I did feel bad not inviting my mom to the birth, but in the end it didn't matter because DS was born on a Tues morning and she was at work and couldn't have left.

[LoveChild421]

I wanted my mom to be there "in theory" but when I really started thinking about "what will it be like to have here there?" "what sort of energy will she bring to the birth process by being there?" etc I decided I absolutely DID NOT want her there- because she is critical of homebirth and really just has a lot of personal fear about birth one of the "so much can go wrong" types : I realized all that she would really bring to my birth would be a ton of fear and second-guessing the midwife and myself. Looking back, if she had been there I definately would have ended up transporting because she is the type to want to "fix" any suffering I have instead of telling me how strong I am and letting me learn to deal with the pain.

My mom came over right after he was born and that worked out perfectly- I got my un-interfered with homebirth with tons of positive energy around me and then I got her positive energy too from her holding her grandson and congratulating me- she even said "wow- you're strong to do this with your first" to me!!!

I'm getting the impression your mom is a bit similar to mine and honestly I agree with your midwife- it might be best to not have someone who believes birth is fraught with danger and complications to be right there when it is going on because she'll transfer that fear onto you when you are vulnerable during intense labor.

That said, it's your birth and you get to decide who you want to be there- I don't think your midwife should absolutely refuse to attend you because of your mom unless they had some sort of awful altercation...

[Guest*]

: to what everyone else has said.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this so close to your due date.

I can see it from both sides:

We love our moms and want them to participate in an event that is so joyous and worth celebration. However, giving birth at home isn't anything like you see on TV. It's HARD WORK that requires a lot of focus and concentration. Any negative energy will hinder the process and make it harder for you to birth well.

Do some soul-searching as others have suggested. Ask yourself why you want your mom there and if it's really necessary. Maybe she could come just right after the baby is born.

Another note: You mentioned that other family members have had difficult births. I know this makes your mom nervous, but do YOU realize that means nothing about how easy/difficult your labor & birth will be? The way other women in your family have birthed is not an indicator your birth is going to be.

Good luck to you. I hope you can figure out something that will work for you.

[bleeglaser]

[QUOTE=Especially given the legal status of midwifery in your state, your midwife could percieve some real legal trouble from her should everything not go perfectly - and then maybe even if it does.[/QUOTE]

Yeah the midwife is afraid my mom may sue her. I'm so exhausted from all this. I don't know what to do, I feel like I've been crying for the past 48 hours straight(I practically have). I hope that this stress at the end of pregnancy isn't the same as when you have it around the middle. We're past the point of this being a pre-term labor, so I think we're okay. I'm to the point where I'd rather no one be at the birth, except for the small factor that DH and I wouldn't have a clue what we were doing. There is so much negativity in my life right now, I just want to lie on the couch and dissapear from the world. (Don't worry I'm not suicidal, just really sad). I thought there was only post partum depression. I'll be alright, just hate not knowing what to do.

[phatchristy]

Just sharing my experience. Having had it BOTH ways.

For my first birth, sure, in theory if I KNEW my mom was going to be OK with it I would have had her there. What we had proposed was that she would stay with my sister (30 minutes away) and when labor started I would call her. However, we played it by ear. Frankly, labor was a lot more painful than I imagined...I was VERY vocal...and when the time came when the midwife asked me if I wanted to call my mom I said NO...and it was because I knew she couldn't have handled it and would have freaked out. Frankly speaking, the first time around you don't know HOW you are going to act during labor. You might be very vocal like I was...it make take a really long time...all sorts of things could happen which your mom's reaction could affect you. After all, if she isn't supportive of homebirth, chances are she is very uneducated about it and also is thoroughly niave about what natural birth is actually like. It make scare her...and frankly....you don't want to be thinking about ANYthing other than yourself and baby during your labor.

Anyhow...

For my second birth, having known what I do in labor the second time around my mom was MUCH more comfortable with homebirth. She had already met with the midwives the last time, gone for the post partum checkups with me, etc.. This time I could tell her that I was going to be loud, that I would be moaning (which helped me to get through the contractions). I went out of my way to show her some natural birth tapes. This time, I had her see the birth, however, the midwives asked her to come into our bedroom when I was pushing. My mom was there probably the last 5 minutes before she came out. And, she got to see me, not in pain, but as a birthing mama. That was what she could handle and that was what she needed...and at that point, I was so far deep into myself and my sensation that I wasn't even thinking about her.

I hope that that gives you some alternate ideas to think over. I really agree with the other women that it is far better, especially the first time around, to not have anyone there who isn't supportive and postive energy for you. I had only my good friend/doula, midwife and DH at the birth the first time around.

HUGS and try to rest up and take care of yourself, you will work all of this out in your mind

HUGS

[Music-mommy]

Would you prefer to have a hospital birth just to have your mom there? Also, like a pp said, if the status of mw in your state is illegal or whatever, you have to respect your mw's apprehension. I would also choose not to have my mom there if she was not pro-homebirth. We didn't even tell my inlaws we were planning a hb the first time because we were sure they wouldn't agree and would be scared to death.

This time they said nothing because they knew we'd done it once. Still I would never invite my MIL to my birth because the last thing you want is someone questioning your mw at every turn or being scared for you. It will stress you out.

I suppose you know your mother better than anyone, if you are really dead set on having her there, I would call the mw and ask her if there's anything that could be done to change her mind, and if so, then talk to your mom about it and see if you can come to a resolution.

Maybe it's an agreement from your mom not to say anything and be simply observing, and her agreement to be supportive if she's going to be there.

[WinterBaby]

I'm sorry you're having all this stress and turmoil at the end of your pregnancy. It makes things so much harder than they ought to be. Your birth is nearing and working things out would be better done sooner rather than later (for your own piece of mind, even). Maybe you can talk it over with DH and reach a solution together. If it turns out mom really does need uninvited, maybe he can be the bad guy for you, until you feel up to explaining to her that you just can't have the division between her and your midwife present at the birth, and it was just too late for you to feel comfortable in locating a new practitioner or birth plans that will suit everyone. Or maybe you relocate to hospital for her presence and comfort level. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to contemplate uninviting someone to your birth that you love so much. Either way you choose to arrange things, I'd get things settled like.. tomorrow. And then hide on the couch and stop answering your phone Any way it works out, I wish you much strength and the best outcomes.

[TurboClaudia]

sad to hear of your sadness...

i also believe your midwife might be picking up on some energy your mom is sending out that your midwife believes might hinder your laboring. in labor and birth, you come to a point where you must let go and surrender to the power of the birthing and allow what happens to happen. if you are too much in your head, you cannot surrender. you need to be in your body and in the moment. if you are thinking about your mom during you labor, that may affect your labor greatly.

i would suggest you seriously think about why you want your mom there. if it is simply to show her that you can indeed birth at home, i'm sorry to say that is not a good reason. if it is because she will support you in labor and birthing unconditionally and in a way that no one else can, then that may be a good reason.

it sounds like you really need to have a in depth conversation with your midwife about her reasons for choosing not to attend you if you choose to have your mother present. and you should consider really, really listening carefully and trying to fully understand what your midwife has to say. since you and your partner are not comfortable freebirthing unassisted because you wouldn't know what to do, you should really consider what a midwife with experience attending birthing women has to say about your requested birth support people.

wishing you a peaceful end of pregnancy and a safe birth...

warmly,
claudia

[ebethmom]

That's so hard! My Mom was vehemently opposed to our homebirth. She still won't speak of it, and dd is 14 months old.

I asked her to come to a prenatal appointment to alleviate her fears, and she was incredibly offended. She really just wanted to tell me to go to my room and come out when I was ready to give birth like a normal girl!

I knew that I couldn't even tell my Mother my midwife's full name. I was afraid she might go straight to the Medical Board and cause trouble.

I hope that this resolves soon!

[momto l&a]

IMO your mom would be a hindrance to you. You need to have people around you who are encouraging and confident in YOU.

From my experience with my own 3 hb's, being totally relaxed and people who are confident around you makes for very fast and enjoyable labor/births.

[WinterBaby]

Originally Posted by momto l&a

From my experience with my own 3 hb's, being totally relaxed and people who are confident around you makes for very fast and enjoyable labor/births.

And if it's long and difficult anyway, it means no one making the faux pau of mentioning that fact to the birthing mother when she hasn't atually got around to noticing that (in my case)

[runes]

IMHO it's very important to only have people that are 1000% behind you and what you are doing at the birth. There most definitely is a 'birth energy' and to have someone there who is not attuned positively to what is happening could affect the outcome for sure.

Search your heart...and remember that if you decide to have a hospital birth in order to have your mother there, she will STILL have those same fears and perceptions about birth, regardless of where it's happening. Although SHE might feel slightly more comfortable in the medicalized setting...the real question is...will YOU?

I hope that you feel better and that you have the birth of your dreams!