Mindful Parenting Book Club Part III - Page 5

[Curly Locks]

Tara~If you're lurking here's a for you! You must be really swamped!!!!

Mamakarata~Can I start calling you by your real name? I think I know what it is...if it starts with a C and ends in an L. Hope you're well wherever you are....

[Mamaste]

*dashes in to make sure we haven't moved the thread to Timbuktu*

Analisa! Don't you dare be lonely in Dallas! Hop on over to APConnect! and post up some meeting times, maybe at a mall near you. You might not draw a crowd, but you'll probably shake loose a mama or two nearest you! And there's always Valley View mall on Friday ...

I feel very unmindful these days, letting poor DD roam around with her toys while I sit endlessly at the computer. I think I'm going to need to spend a few days detox-ing after this. Think I could convince her to stay in bed with me and just nurse all day?

[mamakarata]

hey all-

been hangin back reading everyones posts and had to laugh at the yoga comments.

just yesterday i was caught up in a yoga/excercise video on all fours leaning down with one breast out and ds holding on with all his might to get that suckle in, while i am lifting my leg on the other side....yeah. it was a sight.

and yes, heather, by all means. my name is cheryl! i am too lazy to sign off. thanks for snooping for me!

just pondering el's expectation question. thinking, my expectations do play out on a big scale, like, i am working at home until 1:00pm and then dh will take over until 5pm today- or whatever the day is scheduled to be. but beyond that, it really is fly by the seat of our pants.

i don't imagine that anyone has it easy all of the time, but i do suppose that the book is helping us with our mindset so that we aren't feeling trapped all of the time. i definitely relate to the trapped feeling.

i'll bet if we all had the time to visit each and every one of eachother's homes and really get a look at the daily routine (if you could call it that!), we'd learn that somewhere in each person's home, is a sacrifice that we either haven't taken, or aren't willing to take, and vice versa.

we all talk about what works or doesn't work, but no one really has the big picture on us you know?

this thread seems to help me because somehow through the cosmos and what have you, we all have come to find this book interesting in this day and time of our lives, which means that among the million things we have all done and are doing, this idea....mindfulness, has made it to the top 10? 20? 30? 40? of our priorities.

i really had no point. oh wait. i did.

when el made the example of not being able to leave if following her babes cues for sleep,

i thought "i'd leave, and ds would fall asleep in the car, and maybe get woken up again, but if it were something i had to do, it wouldn't be the end of the world..."

and then thought "but maybe it is really important to el that she not interrupt her babes sleep, which is important, that our babes get their sleep. man does she have her priorities straight"

and then thought "does that make me a bad parent that i would?",

and then i thought, "no, just a different parent",

and then i thought "if we all had the time to visit eachother's house.... " and you know the rest.

i say all of that with no judgement. just a thought among many (as you can see)

although i love my work from home and work out of the home set up, i definitely admire those who have set it up to be full time parents for the one on one time they have created.

yet i don't think myself vicitim to my circumstances that we couldn't afford it if i did that (because we couldn't), because i know i had choices to get to this point.

and neither do i beat myself up for only being able to play in little snatches of time during my work from home time. i can't. i could. and i have. but i know i shouldn't.

but i do know, that maintaining this awareness for myself, helps me to be present when my time is free, and to include ds in the task of doing my laundry, washing the dishes, cooking our meal, or driving to the store.

that awareness (which is always potential guilt or low self esteem, or whatever emotion i can try and give it) helps me remember all of the in between moments when i really don't have time. because every diaper change, meal prep, and toy pick up is a time to tell a story of changing a diaper, prepping a meal, or picking up a toy. ds loves to listen and help, as well as yell and mess it all back up.

my sacrifice is not being able to play with him all of the time. but my reward is keeping him home with me or my husband full time.

just some rambling thoughts. i hope it seems somehow relevant to our thread. i really do love everyones thoughts here.

[Curly Locks]

Cheryl (aka Mamakarata)~Just call me the detective! Thanks for your thoughts! They did help.

I have some exciting news! No dh didn't get a job yet! That would be too easy! We're still living the full catastrophe! This Sunday Rainsmom will be posting her thoughts about the next chapter "Eighteen Year Retreat." Rainsmom joined the discussion last year tho' we haven't heard much from her lately. I asked her if she would be willing to post her thoughts on the next chapter from her viewpoint since she has a two year old and also a grown child. She's lived the 18 year retreat once and is now doing it again. I'm really excited to see her insights on Sunday!

The other exciting news is that I emailed Jon Kabat-Zinn and asked him if he has a leader guide or advice to leading our discussion. I want to make sure we don't fizzle out before we finish the book...which could be months away. I've been searching for a leaders guide on the book for several months and checking on-line to see if anyone else has discussed this book on-line or in person. So I thought I'd go straight to the real expert on this book. I hope to hear back soon.

[LiminalOne]

Straight to the man, Heather! Way to go. I hope that you hear back soon.

Thanks, Cheryl, for your thoughts. I'm impressed by your ability to have it all make sense to you and to see the trade-offs of life without too much guilt (or viewing guilt as a little reminder to be mindful when you can rather than a place to sit and stew). I'm thinking about which "sacrifices" I wouldn't make. For me, I think it really depends on where I think he's at in understanding my rationale, so it's always evolving.

I'm starting to be a little less flexible about naps (tho bedtime is another story, yawn). Normally, Finn falls asleep during one of his nursings in the afternoon and then i just carry him upstairs, sometimes it's 11:30 and sometimes it's 3:30 (we're just not that into routine here). But, lately around 2:30, I start communicating that it's naptime and that pretty soon, we're going to sleep and that he looks sleepy to me and that he can choose to sleep in the sling or fall asleep nursing. It's been working pretty well and he normally chooses nursing (tho used to love the sling). But I change his dipe standing up while he's playing (even the poopy ones :g) and even nurse while changing him

he's up

gotta run

[nuggetsmom]

Good going Heather,

Cheryl, good thoughts. I really enjoyed reading them.

A hint about my crisis is that Ifeel politically lost. ;I feel that the world wants us to do it all - work, and not work, and pick up the kids at 2 from school (what kind of crazy time is that) and since they can't seem to teach them anything in school afte r the after school program we have to fix them healthy food, give them exersize and do their homework and when are we supposed to sleep? All this, and we all want someone else to fix it, but the bigger the govermnment that is supposed to fix it gets, the more money they suck up that doesn't go to the things we want (need) them to fix. Plus the difficulty in staying an educated consumer is beconming overwhelming and time consuming. Am I really a libertarian after all? I know DH is but I think the limitation of Laissez faire capatalism is that many people are just not considerate and without regualtions to guide them they would get out of control. I just feel very confused and overwhelmed by all this and I am not sure what this has to do with this thread. Except that I wonder if I am really a buddhist too.

I wish we had spellcheck.

[Breathe]

Hello Lovely Women,

I'm going way back here 'cuz there was some juicy stuff I never replied to. ANd this may take a while, so I think I'll reply to each of you separately . . .

Dear, Sweet Anne, I have edited your post below -- see what you come away with when you read it like this:

Originally posted by mamabutterfly
I don't know what's the matter with me these days. . . .

I feel so far from anything resembling harmony. That outward circumstances of our life are okay -- some stresses but nothing major -- and yet I am hanging on by a thread emotionally . . .

Sophie has developed crazy sleeping patterns lately I know she's on the verge of walking, and getting a tooth, and this week had a cold/earache, so that's all part of it. But that doesn't stop me from being very frustrated by night and dragging by day. And there's some kind of grwy cloud that just hangs over me the past couple of weeks for no good reason.

I feel like 'harmony' is right here if I could see it, but I have the wrong glasses on most of the time.

[/B]

In no way do I mean to minimize your gray feelings, but I was struck by how much you're speaking out a place of total sleep deprivation. I am SO with you on this. My ds (almost 16 mos) has been waking every hr or so for about 3 mos now. If this is the dreaded teething, can someone please tell me why babies who sleep in cribs don't have the same teething pain?!? (I'm assuming Sophie is a co-sleeper . . . maybe I'm wrong?) In any case, there have been moments of complete and utter doubt, where I am just CERTAIN we have done the wrong thing with sleep, such that ds just can't sleep more than a little while at a time. And when I get so completely exhausted, as it sounds youa re now, I start to doubt if *I* am the right person to be with him all day. I mean, maybe he'd be better off with someone who sleeps at night!!!! 'Cause Heaven knows I can't be creative when I'm struggling to stay awake (hence the activities thread!).

In any case, I just wanted to acknowledge your concerns, Anne, and let you know that you are neither alone NOR are you wearing the wrong glasses . . . you may just be too tired to see thru them! Hang in there, Sweetie!

[Breathe]

Originally posted by momcat
Night weaning. Dh is ready to wean ds from the bed. I'm not. Dh is ready for ds to sleep through the night. Although I am, I'm not ready to wean him from the breast in order to accomplish this. Any words of wisdom from any of you?

Oy veh. I have no wisdom to offer, Karen, but wanted to sympathize. Seems like dh and I go thru this every couple of weeks. It's funny, cuz I am JUST as frustrated and tired as he is, but when HE suggests changing things, I get SO protective of our family bed!!! It's like, "We'll night wean if *I* say so, but NOT bc you want me to!!!"

In any case, all I can offer is that dh slept in the guest room a few nights recently bc he was recovering from some oral surgery and I swear, ALL of us slept better. DH slept thru the night for a week (I know, if he EVER complains again I will go ballistic!), and I was so muvh less stressed by ds's waking, bc I wasn't worried about dh having to go to work in the a.m.

Speaking of which, how on EARTH do you WOHMs do this nightwaking thing?!?!?

So here I am rxing sleeping apart from your dh -- I used to read threads about that in HORROR and say, "That's AWFUL! The couple should be the center of the family!!! They're letting their child run the show!!!"

Yup. He's runnin' it all right.
:

[Breathe]

T

Originally posted by Megs Mom
Regarding housecleaning, I've recommended it before but it can't be said enough. Go to http://www.flylady.net

Ok, Analisa, spill it. Does this FLYlady stuff really help? I've surfed the site and at first thought it was a joke, but I now see she's for real. Do you really get 10 emails a day? And don't you get a lot of spam (yahoo is notorious for all the spam, esp porn spam)? I must admit that part of me is resisting the notion that your house has to be so clean and organized -- still thinking about that.

Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS on the new house! I cannot BELIEVE you've been living in a hotel room since you moved! (How did I miss that?!?!) I know you'll be so happy to be settled!

[Curly Locks]

Hi, Mamas! Dh has been around a lot more lately and so we've been taking advantage of it and doing stuff we can't usually do when he's at work (story time at the library and yoga at the Y etc.)! So it's been hard to focus on your thoughts when I am reading them so I can reply. But I've been enjoying my little Zen and reflecting on your wisdom and trial in life too.

Dh just called me down to the basement and said ya gotta come see this! So I did and he had built a fort with blanket and table for ds and he to play in. The activity thread has helped us a lot! Open my link to see our laundry basket ride! Dh loves that one! I tried to take a pic with him but I had some tech. difficulty!

Breathe~Thanks for sharing your thoughts today with those that posted already. Ds has been going since 6:30 this morning and only one nap for an hour...maybe if he goes to bed early I'll be back later.

I'm a wanted woman!! Gotta go!

[Breathe]

Originally posted by mamakarata
i'll bet if we all had the time to visit each and every one of eachother's homes and really get a look at the daily routine (if you could call it that!), we'd learn that somewhere in each person's home, is a sacrifice that we either haven't taken, or aren't willing to take, and vice versa.

we all talk about what works or doesn't work, but no one really has the big picture on us you know?

Excellent point by you, Cheryl! The problem for me, however, and I'm guessing all you other perfectionists, is that I don't want you to see ANY sacrifices I should be making but am not, KWIM? And now more than any other time in my life, I want to do it all RIGHT -- all for ds, so he can be as healthy and happy and well-adjusted as is humanly possible. (and that's a question I'd like to pursue with you all later -- how healthy IS possible? more on that to come.)

So I had this idea, mainly bc so many of us have admitted to being perfectionist AND bc so many of us PERCEIVE that we have had our butts kicked (See, I'm trying to be easy on us!). How about if we each post 5 things that we think we're doing really well (as parents), and 3 things we either know we shouldn't be doing or feel guilty about, or however you define when you stress. And let's write down the 3 less-than-perfect things first, so we can end on a good note. Wanna? Kinda like true confessions for the perfectionist crowd.

These are mine (for today!)

Things I feel guilty about OR "sacrifices I've not yet chosen to make":

1) my 15 mos old ds eats potato chips AND french fries -- only the gourmet kind from Whole Foods, but all FRIED none the less -- mainly bc I eat them in front of him and have to share

2) we are not vegetarians, and I avoid all info about horrible poultry and cattle farming practices, and ds eats meat, too

3) we live WAAAAAAY beyond our means -- if a financial analyst looked at our spending, she would say there was no way in HELL I should be staying home full time, and so this means we continue to accumulate debt when we should 1) be saving for ds's future and 2) setting a MUCH better example for him. and it's all me -- dh wouldn't be in this kind of debt if he were single.

OK. Deep breath. Now I'm exposed. You have no idea how hard it was for me to resist putting all kinds of sad and grumpy emoticons all over that stuff!

So, to cheer myself up, things I'm proud of or "sacrifices I've been able to make so far":

1) we are still cloth diapering at nearly 16 months, even at night and even when we go out or go on trips

2) ds is allergic to gluten, corn, bananas, & peanuts, and is sensitive to soy AND dairy, so neither he nor I have eaten any of that stuff in almost a year now. We pretty much eat only rice, potatoes (hence the chips and fries), meat, fruit, and veggies. And we're still BFing bc I've been so committed to this diet.

3) ds still sleeps (well, not really, but he's there) in our bed and wakes up happy every day

4) ds has never cried himself to sleep

5) even tho my house is messy, it is not a total loss in the sense that the FLYlady talks about -- I really don't have months and months of decluttering to do -- just dusting and floor-washing, and laundry -- so after reading that site, I feel pretty good about how we're holding up (we do go to bed with a clean kitchen every night!)

So now that I've written all of this, I'm worried that this is a terrible idea. It occurs to me that some of my good stuff may be something that someone else feels guilty about, and vice versa, and the last thing I want to do is add to the guilt or shame. On the contrary, I wanted to run with Cheryl's theme and open up about our differences and acknowledge that we are ALL works in progress and we are ALL doing the best we can.
Am I leading us down the wrong road? If you think so, smack me once and we can move on!

And just so you know, I skipped FRIEND'S tonight so I could "be" with ya'll!!!!!!

edited to add: But I WILL watch ER! Hah!

[Mamaste]

Oh, CRAP! I just missed 3/4 of ER!

[Curly Locks]

O.k. I was on my way to bed after a busy day running errands and going to the in-laws. I want to reply to so many of your posts but my brains is so fried right now! It's been a hell of a two weeks at our house.

Breathe~I want to think of my list b/c I thinks it's a very great idea! It is something different than trying to soul search and think deep. I'll try to think of some things now.

Bad stuff:
1. I am not patient all the time and spout off at the mouth when I'm frustrated! But I am much more mindful about it and try to be as healthy in my frustration as possible b/c I don't know what the cost to ds is in that respect.

2. Dh and I bicker a lot in front of ds (at least every other day). But we've gotten a lot better over the last four months since I started taking a lot of deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths and trying to do yoga daily. I'm sorta b!tchy abput 25% of the time or more!

3. I'm terrible at limiting the amount of times I check my email in a day when I'm bored. And sometimes when I'm reading my email I ignore ds a little longer than I would like and feel very guilty when I choose to check email vs. play or go somewhere when it's nice outside.

(one or two more to show how bad I am)
4. My school loans are in deferment so I can stay home and I don't know when I'll ever get them paid off. We filed bankruptcy five years ago and are doing better with money now but still have way too much debt! But I am pretty frugal these days.

5. Meat eaters too! I tried to stop recently and caved! I was buying organic stuff and caved there too. We eat cage free eggs tho.

Good Stuff:
1. I try to incorporate ds into my daily routine of things like cooking, groceries, laundry and we have a lot of fun! I am patient most of the time when he is helping me and I set no expectations on when we will finish the task.

2. I love to laugh a lot and kiss ds every chance I get and breathe in his baby smell.

3. Not worrying about how messy my house is...and it's not that bad IMO. I do laundry (wash cloth diapers too), groceries, cooking, toilet, sweeping, wash dishes, and very, very little else around the house that involves hard core cleaning! Lots of de-cluttering and tossing crap out! But I don't classify decluttering as organizing or filing. (We don't make the bed either!! )

4. I try really hard to be a loving and giving person. I'm friendly and take interest in others IRL...LLL moms and AP support moms I am friends with and see outside of meetings. And I try to be good at keeping in touch with my family in Texas. Except for forgetting my brother's b-day last week, I send notes to all my family members (have been for ten years). Trying not to be so compulsive though! That's why I forgot my brother's! And trying to stay in the moment.

5. Faithful mother and wife. Dh may drive me nuts but I've never once thought of cheating on him and I've never even flirted with another man in 12 years of our relationship. (I'm not perfect tho! I've been so mad at dh that I've threatened to get a divorce on more than one occasion! But I always think I am majorly over-reacting...most of the time I am.)

6. I am not addicted to any substance like cigs, coffee, prescriptions, or tv. I smoked for a month in HS and quit. Other than that I've never tried drugs and pride myself, considering I grew up in Houston which is known for lots of drug use.

Well I thought that was a good list considering I am sooooooo tired and need to get to bed! Enjoy your little Zen's and Jac, I hope you know we all go through that existential crisis! I've had more than one of those! And I agree about the spell check!!!

I hope I didn't make anyone feel guilty here either. We're not shooting for perfection! I can come up with lots more crap on myself if you feel guilty! Believe me I am not perfect! Just a wannabe which I think is so dumb of me anyway!

[Mamaste]

Originally posted by nuggetsmom
A hint about my crisis is that Ifeel politically lost. ;I feel that the world wants us to do it all

It does. Honestly, I think to be an AP family, you have to turn your back on the world. You have to do what your family and your heart tells you, not what everyone else is doing or what Big Brother wants you to do.

Very AP. And very mindful. And very Buddhist.

*****************

Things I feel guilty about doing or not doing today:

1) I'm hooting around the boards when I should be editing.

2) The only food that passed DD's lips today was a bite or two of banana, a few raisins, one bite of whole wheat tortilla, one Whole Foods veggie potato chip and three Whole Food oreo cookies. (But don't worry, all is not lost -- I have Super Breastmilk today, because I ate the entire rest of the box of cookies. ... and realistically this shouldn't count, since you can lead the nursling to food, but you can't make her eat ...)

3) I missed ER because I'm an idiot and can't remember the one night a week I want to watch TV.

Things I was not crazy about doing but that I am so glad I got off my arse and did today:

1) I made homemade playdough with the girls I babysit in the afternoons. They were thrilled.

2) The butterfly mobiles I repainted for DS's room turned out ethereally perfect. I re-hung them. Everyone was thrilled.

3) I got the #%@ing LLL flier finished and sent to the leader. Finally. She was thrilled.

4) DD wanted DH to read with her when he got home, and proceeded to knock all our socks off with her astounding vocabulary. We were all thrilled.

5) I sold my breast pump to someone who needs it at a damn good price for us both. We are both thrilled.

**************

One observation on the night nursing thing: The night before last, DD slept for a longer stretch than she has in her whole life. It was like 4 or maybe 5 hours. I was so freaked out, but I didn't really feel too different after all that straight sleep. Then last night, she woke up every freakin' 30 minutes. I was equally freaked out, but I did some really hot editing that day and into the next night. Go figure.

I guess my point is that the patterns don't really matter. It's whether or not you can function the next day. And it doesn't always seem to have to do with the actual amount of sleep -- for me, anyway. I think it's attitude.

Back to being mindful ...

[mamakarata]

oh i like this too. i've been thinking about it all evening, and decided i really wanted to put aside everyone's answers and for myself, think about what i am proud of and not so proud of.

i trust we are all okay with not taking any guilt on from other's answers, as i am not either when i see something i do or don't do blah blah blah.

so i am not so proud of:

that i cuss around my 12yo dd (damn, sh*t, hell- but not usually the big F- ). AND i allow her to cuss here and there and don't tell her not to. (how can i?) - but never AT eachother. mostly in humor or jest.

that i yell when ds bites me while nursing. and i am not good at hiding my anger when it wasn't by accident. he pretty much knows i am mad about it, and i feel bad that i am not more patient.. (sometimes i am afraid to look and see if the nipple is still there!)

that i keep letting him eat tomatoes (or tomato sauce) or other acidic foods knowing he will wind up with a rash the next day on his bottom. and sometimes even knowing, not being sure to change his diaper quickly, so the rash gets really bad!

and i am proud of:

that i am still bf, co-sleeping and cloth diapering.

that we are vegaquarians (we only eat fish) and eat tofu at least 3 or 4 times a week with organic veggies and fruits. vegetarian for 8 years, vegan for 1 year, and just added fish 3 years ago.

that we don't spank, drink, smoke, or do any drugs, and have an open dialogue about it in our household and with my 12 yo.

that i haven't had cable for 12 years and raised my 12yo dd w/o t.v. her whole life, and she only really started watching rented movies when she was around 9 or so where we could be very selective- this i firmy believe has preserved her amazing creativity!

that i have been into fitness since high school, and with my 12yo dd, we have studied karate for over 4 years- (we are testing for our 3rd degree brown belt next month, which is the belt below 1st degree black belt!)

[mamabutterfly]

What is beautiful for me about reading what you all share is the way it fleshes out a bit more who you are & are striving to become. I don't at all read them w/a sense of comparison or judgement -- it is in the context of each of us so active in the process of inner work. It is hard stuff, living concientiously in this screwy society. My dh says you gotta picking your battles (metaphorically since we're pacifists, lol). This is his reasoning behind smoking & meat-eating alongside his activism & his intentionality in relationships (I can count on one hand the number of times I have known him to be seriously angry at someone in our 7 years together).

My own perspective is a little different than his, though, because I think that when you are trying to live in a certain worldview or paradigm, then there is a desire to live consistently. (like compassion for the earth & animals might lead to vegetarianism, not because you think that by yourself you will savethe planet with that but because you might find it consistent with your beliefs)..... Anyway, my point is that I have come to appreciate that the bottom line of it for him is - Be gentle with yourself. You do your best, don't rationalize your bad choices away but do accept that you have better moments and weaker moments. And you need to be kind to yourself and your family in the weak or fragile moments.

Right now we are trying to decide whether to head down to DC for tomorrow's march (against the war). We have really wanted to go, but dh is sick, I feel drained, and now they're talking about temps in the 20s. So am I going to take Sophie on a 4 hour bus ride so we can do 10 minutes of the march & then hide in a Starbucks until the bus comes back because her little cheeks are freezing? We still haven't decided but i can tell where I'm leaning.

I had more I was going to write - about me not dh, but dd's up again. El, thanks for your kind words & your thoughts on sleep. I know I am deeply tired. It scared me to see how it's affecting me. DD was up last night from 3 til 5 and I just wanted to cry. Now I'll have to figure out whether to use her nap to sleep or to do yesterday's lunch dishes... or the diapers which have been in the pail for ... 4? 5? days.

: let me not get started on that......

sending love to you all, anne

[Mamaste]

It is curious to see how other mamas are focusing to achieve their mindfulness and inner goals. I can't focus on the big picture -- it has to be baby steps for me, like getting off my arse to make the homemade playdough.

Curious to watch it unfold.

[nuggetsmom]

Breathe~ What do WOHM's do when they don't get any sleep. Let me tell you that when DD is teething or not sleeping, I am not pretty the next day. I make mistakes (and in labs, mistakes are always costly and sometimes dangerous) and once I started bawling when my advisor asked me something random. He was pretty taken aback and sent me home for the day. I really have to be very proactive as far as sleeping is concerned. For instance, once it gets to be bedtime, there is no discussion anymore. DD can either nurse, rock or be in bed. No more playing, no more running around. It is bedtime! If it is dark outside it is time to sleep, so if she gets up in the middle of the night and doesn't want to sleep anymore, I give her a drink of water and I (try) to go bakc to sleep. She will just lie around in the dark sipping her water and squirming around. Usually in our bed, because if she wakes up in the night, I will put her in our bed. That is basically every night.
And babies in cribs also wake up when they are teething. At least mine does. I think it varies with the individual how much it bugs them. I have to be alert the next day so I almost always give DD some tylenol to help her.
I also notice that if she wakes a lot for a week, she gets into the habit of it. So we have to guide her back to not waking so much. Usually I send DH in to settle her in again, because I am so much more arousing. She really wants to get up and be in my arms and I know you read all the sleep books, so I think I won't go into the boring detail.

This brings me to something I am not proud of:

Sometimes I take DD to daycare and run errands and take a nap instead of going to work. I really feel guilty because I should be spending precious time with her. THe only justification is that I have my errands run and when I am at home we can spend time together.

I am not proud of my anger. I can get very angry very quickly and it makes me slam doors and yell and I will go ahead with some task even though DD will be "fighting" it. For instance, I will change her diaper even though she is trying to get away from me. And once, being very sleep deprived and having been sent home from work the previous week for crying, and not knowing what to do and when it would end, I walked out on DD who was screaming. Yup, I got angry and I knew I was in over my head, and I left. I don't know what really happened after that, because DH came to check on me and told me to go out and relax and he would take care of things. That is very angry and I am not proud of this moment. Deeply ashamed I would add, since I don't even know what DH really did and he is not very AP. And I hang on to the importance of the consistency of my day to day behavior, not the one time that I really lost it.

I am not proud of the way DD goes down for naps. I put her in her crib and she cries while I go out of the room. Then she plays or sings or rolls around till she goes to sleep. At some some point she just wouldn't go to sleep with me while nursing or while I was in the room. I can't even remember how i walked out the first time, but I do know she only cried while I walked out, and then fell asleep. But I wish and want it to go another way, but this is the way it is. ANd I do acknowledge that she really needs a nap and does better if she has had one.

The things that I am doing right:

I am flexible in my parenting. I have stopped worrying about what the books and other people do and we do what we do. I was able to find my own way to AP.

I am proud of how close DD and I are and how sweet and smart and wonderful she is. I used to wonder if we were attached, but I know now that we are.

I am still BFing. I never thought in a million years that I would BF for more than a year. My goal was to make it to a year. And I am very persistent. Once I set my mind on something I will do anything to accomplish it, so I am not surprised that I made to a year. But I really thought that I would find it difficult and I would just give up after that. But here I am, still BFing

I am always trying to improve who I am as a person and as a parent. I really do the inner work. I constantly train myself to talk to DD and other people differently (active listening, speaking respectfully etc). I really make an effort to internalize the gentle discipline and respectful interactions that I believe in.

I can accept the things I am not proud of because I have learned their lessons, and I know they are part of my growing as a person. And I know that I do not have to be perfect either. I think a real honest effort at doing the very best I can is what really matters.


This was agreat idea Breathe. I do not read the other posts as a comparison for me to measure up to, not do I feel judgmental about the things that other people are less proud of. I really know that you are all doing your best and I think you are all doing a wonderful job.
I think Anne's point, that these things really flesh out what you are like as real people, is really a good one. What is interesting is that I think of you as real friends, and yet I would pass you on the street without knowing you. I have an image of you eash in my head that is like a cartoon character (beautiful and flattering ones I might add). Funny isn't it.

[Breathe]

Yeah, I agree with Jac and the others -- for some reason, hearing about your strengths and weaknesses makes me feel even more compassionately toward all of you. I'm fascinated by my reaction really, bc IRL I find that I have very little patience for people's "weaknesses" when it comes to parenting (as discussed ad nauseum before), but here it makes you all seem more real to me. I'm thinking it must be bc these "confessions" come after months of me being amazed by you all, and like someone said above, after we've all come together for a higher purpose . . . to improve ourselves in a way that truly only WE know needs improvement. Hmmm. That's not clear. What I mean is, it's easy for our in-laws to criticize our children's sleep patterns or our style of discipline, but no one EVER suggests that we really should work on bringing more attention and presence to our parenting! So the fact that we all found each other is evidence to me that we are all hard-working, courageous, and sensitive women. And since I hold you all so highly, it's very easy for me to hear about your "flaws" without judging you.

Aha, Grasshopper! Now the life lesson:

Why is it that I cannot offer this same compassion and benefit-of-the-doubt to ALL parents I encounter? Why is it that my heart is open only to some, when I KNOW that ALL people are deserving of my open-ness?

WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK FROM INTERNALIZING "MAMASTE"?!?!

to be continued . . . no doubt.

[mamabutterfly]

Lol, Breathe, I was about to start a thread today in TAO called "Has MDC made me a snob?" -- no kidding -- because I can hardly stand to talk to people in real life about parenting any more.... and I'm coming to MDC more & more. One of my friends recently commented in an email that she wouldn't join a chapter of API which a mutual friend may be founding because she & her dh "don't agree with everything about AP". I found myself hurt & upset by this. Why?! I have no idea what she even meant by that & it may be very small -- and of course I have NO illusions that everyone, or ANYONE, at MDC agrees about every little thing. I feel so judgmental about my friends, though. I really really need to work on this.

To tie this back to the book... well, this highlights a huge reason I need to reclaim meditation daily, to break free from the judgments (of myself & others).

And what happened to my yoga this week? I think I need a class... Heather can I come to Iowa and join yours? (freaky smilie. that's probably what I look like without sleep though)