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Wow! Wow!!! and did I say WOW!!!!!!!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by fmb
I really, really want DS (and DD) to grow up to be a critical thinker. I don't want him to follow blindly, I want him to be able to analyze and think for himself. This seems to be in direct contradiction to my desire, sometimes, to just want him to obey me. To just listen to me and do what I say, because I am the parent.
I see what you're saying but my family follows a "family centered" approach rather than a child centered one. (not implying that's anyone's approach btw). To me it's natural and desirable for the family to function together as a unit. Safety is in everyone's best interest and running away from mama is never safe. I'm not trying to sound like my way is the best or anything but my kids never sit in the shopping cart. They *do* walk along side me in the grocery store and if they're too little to do that they are in the sling. What I'm saying is that many children *are* capable of this (a three year old for sure) and I don't see anything wrong at all with a mother expecting her children to stay near and expressing her feelings of dissapointment/frustration w/the child not doing so.

My point is all families do things in different ways. We really need to accept eachother more. Because my children are expected to stay near mama doesn't mean they will follow along w/the sheeple and never have their own ideas. It is part of what I teach them about safety and families cooperating together.

As long as it's gentle and does not hurt or endanger anyone, I think we should all support whatever mamas are doing that works.
post #22 of 80
That is great, AP Mom! I think the fact that your daughter did not say sorry right away, but thought about it, shows that she was really thinking about her actions & she regretted not listening to you. She is growing up to be a fine young lady.

Of course, you are struggling with a 2 year old & a 3 year old, if you had given her $5 to stay with you, I would still be proud of ya! (I have one child, a six year old son, & sometimes it is all I can do to make it out of the store without pulling all my hair out! )
post #23 of 80
I have three kids ages 5, 21 months and nearly 5 months. Going to the shop with all of them is usually reserved for days when Im feeling especially masochistic. Its a nightmare in all honesty! I dont drive so we walk. Trying to get through what I need to at the shops while trying to answer a zillion "why" questions from my 5yr old, keep my 21 month old from standing up in the pram and tipping it over (yes, I use a pram ) while carrying baby in a sling is NOT easy!! I often feel like I want scream and rant and stomp my feet! It takes a lot to remain calm and try to please everyone without causing tantrums and hurt feelings. And sometimes I get nasty looks from others (usually without kids) because I don't treat my kids like mini-soldiers and expect them to not touch or explore.

I for one appreciate reading posts like the OP - it DOES give me hope! I have these moments too and it makes me feel like celebrating myself!

And as far as wording goes - I personally expect my dd to tell me when something I do makes her feel dissapointed and that includes me not listening to her. When she feels like she can be heard she will hear me too. Its a two say street.
post #24 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven
I have three kids ages 5, 21 months and nearly 5 months. Going to the shop with all of them is usually reserved for days when Im feeling especially masochistic. Its a nightmare in all honesty! I dont drive so we walk. Trying to get through what I need to at the shops while trying to answer a zillion "why" questions from my 5yr old, keep my 21 month old from standing up in the pram and tipping it over (yes, I use a pram ) while carrying baby in a sling is NOT easy!! I often feel like I want scream and rant and stomp my feet! It takes a lot to remain calm and try to please everyone without causing tantrums and hurt feelings. And sometimes I get nasty looks from others (usually without kids) because I don't treat my kids like mini-soldiers and expect them to not touch or explore.

I for one appreciate reading posts like the OP - it DOES give me hope! I have these moments too and it makes me feel like celebrating myself!

And as far as wording goes - I personally expect my dd to tell me when something I do makes her feel dissapointed and that includes me not listening to her. When she feels like she can be heard she will hear me too. Its a two say street.
You rock Raven! That's what I wanted to say.
post #25 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven
I have three kids ages 5, 21 months and nearly 5 months. Going to the shop with all of them is usually reserved for days when Im feeling especially masochistic.
:LOL Teeheehee!

Quote:
And as far as wording goes - I personally expect my dd to tell me when something I do makes her feel dissapointed and that includes me not listening to her. When she feels like she can be heard she will hear me too. Its a two say street.
: Exactly!
post #26 of 80
APmom, you handled it beautifully!
post #27 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raven
Its a two say street.
great typo, if it was one, lol

oht - trying to rock dd to sleep

i get what you all are saying - i know i sound critical of the op and i honestly don't mean to be, what she did was fine, really, and i am mainly being academic about this. but imo it wasn't that her dd wasn't listening - she heard her fine, she just didn't do what her mama said to do. her dd looked right at her (the op said) and did the exact opposite of what she had asked her dd to do. there is a diff. between not listening and not obeying
post #28 of 80
yes famous, but there was a history of the child acting up in the store "running wild" ect...I think the statement could have applied to the whole behavior.

But I could be arong too. I will wait and see what the OP says. :
post #29 of 80
After reading your OP I thought you did a wonderful job. Congratulations!

Several of the responses have me curious though. I don't personally see any problem with occasionally letting your children know that you are disappointed in their behavior. It seems like an honest emotional response to me. Kind of a logical consequence. I sort of get the idea that 'I am responsible for my own feelings', but it is true that sometimes in life people can do things that disappoint us, make us angry, test our limits, etc... It actually seems kind of dishonest to me to suggest that I should ALWAYS shield my child from emotions I am experiencing. I also wonder, would supressing expression of my frustration/disappointment/etc model a behavior I actually wanted my child to emulate? Personally- I don't think so, but what do you all think? I would ideally like to model a behavior of acknowledgeing emotions (both positive and negative) in a calm and clear manner so that they are not supressed.

I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most GD person in the world, although I do feel that I am a gentle mom. But I haven't read extensively on GD, so please excuse my ignorance on this subject.
post #30 of 80
Thanks for sharing your story! Glad to know I'm not the only one who has frustrating shopping trips sometimes, LOL.

Posting here can be kind of hard, because no one ever gives you the benefit of the doubt EVER, it seems like, and sometimes people act like every post is the very first post you've ever posted, KWIM? I love reading the GD discussions but people do get really nitpicky, especially when this was just a support/vent sort of post.
post #31 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
there is a diff. between not listening and not obeying
I hear what you are saying. It probably is (and has been!) a whole other thread- I personally do expect my children to obey, and some mamas would never use that word. But I get the semantics.
post #32 of 80
Thread Starter 
Okay, : I think this is the first time I've started a post that's ended up in a debate! :LOL

In looking back, and reading the responses to both my op and the follow up post, I can see the logic of using a different phrase than "Didn't listen" The disappointment factor, I will not discuss, because like Raven, I believe they should know when they have disappointed me, but I also want to know when they feel disappointed with something I've done. She did *hear* me, but she didn't *listen. She didn't obey, if you prefer that choice of word. We use phrases like "Where are our listening ears today?" and make a big game out of looking in our mouths, under our feet, in our tummy, to find our ears when we're not listening...After we find our listening ears, we put them on our head, really tightly, then repeat the request. They do it to me, if I'm distracted (reading posts on MDC, for example ) And I don't respond quickly, they'll say "Mommy, are you wearing your listening ears?" "No, honey, I wasn't....let's see if I can find them...oh here they are, I forgot them under my left foot.....okay, they are on now, I'm sorry, could you please repeat yourself?" It's our way of making sure that we're being heard in a lighthearted manner. I suppose I could have asked her if she was wearing her listening ears, but I was just to angry and frustrated with the defiance( again, in case anyone misunderstands...I know she wasn't being truly defiant, she was being three, but still) at that point. I was feeling !!

I do appreciate all the support. And part of my op was in response to the post that's going on over at TAO about the lady in TJ. I posted there that if someone here saw me at the store, most days, they'd come here and complain about how Non-AP, Non-GD I am. Not that I lose it completely, but my patience wears thin, I dont' use a gentle tone all the time, and sometimes, I'm downright harsh. I was pleased that I was able to hold my own temper in check, respect her, and then was completely amazed and awed by how she responded to my being gentle with her. If I'd scolded, "I *told* you to stay with me!" in a harsher tone, it wouldn't have meant anything to her, but because I just allowed her to see my disappointment, she thought about it and we both grew.

I just wanted to share that joy with others. Since my very good IRL friend moved away in January, I don't have much interaction with GD people. And since dh left in early July, I don't have much support either. MDC is where I come when I need to reground myself. I'm surrounded by spankers, cioers, yellers, etc.....and while they only make my convictions stronger, sometimes it can get quite lonely, you know? So, and and

post #33 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by APMom98
Well.

I guess I should have been more specific in my original post. I never thought I would have to defend myself as GD.

In life, as well as on-line it is always best to explain everything as thoroughly as possible. In fact, start as far back as you can remember :LOL

cheers!
~Nay
post #34 of 80
:
Quote:
Originally Posted by chinaKat
Holy crap, sometimes I feel like nothing is good enough for some of the people in this forum.

I thought the op had a good story. She was certainly happy with it, at least until everybody had to rain on her parade.

For crying out loud.

chinaKat

:

~Nay
post #35 of 80
APmom98.... as a mother of soon to be 10(human children ) .... thats an awsome story! it warmed my heart to say the least! any clue how to get that response from an 11 yr old...... :P other topic i know

I have to kinda agree with.. i'm sorry i forgot you name... mama saying she felt frustrated with EVERYTHING getting knocked down on the board. I'm new here and am apauled to be honest at the number of derogatory.. I cant believe you would do such a thing.... type messages. This is a mothering board... and all of us come here to share stories and ask questions and get support from other SIMILAR (not identical) minded people. there are several people i've noticed on the board who seem to spend most of their time admonishing others for not parenting "properly" , from my observation most only have 1-2 children and they are very young(the children)

I can tell you 100% gentle discipline really is different with family AND with every child and every curcumstance. If you believe for a moment there is cut and dry answers... you need more life experiance, not books. Also, gentle discipline simply DOESNT work with all children, some need cut and dry solid rules WITH a consequence which they know in advance.

EACH of my children need different parenting, i wish a few would be the same :P lol

back to original though .... APmom.. perhaps disapointed might be betterthan ashamed .. maybe not.... but dont let the nay saying get to you, sometiems kids need it pointed out that their moment of fun affects other people, at young ages they tend to be in the here and now and think but this is fun.. and not think, well mommy said i cant, maybe theres a good reason.
She took quite a step in realizing she ISNT the only one affected and thats so great! If you watch you'll likley start seeing other signs of her taking a second to think how things affect others.
post #36 of 80
Wait, what is gentle discipline, then? Are we talking about TCS or gentle disciplilne? It sounds to me that she used gentle discipline but did not use TCS. Am I confused? I thought that sometimes we do have to manipulate our children's behavior, and I interpreted the story as being about a safety issue, ie, that the ramp went towards the parking lot??
post #37 of 80
To the OP - Sounds like a great moment and I would celebrate my ds having that maturity also. Sorry others are picking it apart! :
post #38 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnthroMama
To the OP - Sounds like a great moment and I would celebrate my ds having that maturity also. Sorry others are picking it apart! :
:

I thought it was a great post, too
post #39 of 80
what's TCS?
post #40 of 80
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AntoninBeGonin
In fact, start as far back as you can remember :LOL
~Nay
Well................when I was five, I remember my mother yelling at me for going down a ramp, so of course, I want to make sure that my children *never* get to go down the ramps....I mean, I didn't get to, why should they? !!!!

Thanks!!
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