Today I realized why I've been feeling like such a failure again. This is the September that Amy Dawn would have been starting school. Granted I wasn't going to send her to public school, she'd probably be going to Montessori school or I'd be homeschooling her. After talking to my friend talking about starting homeschooling with her five year old son and reading an email about my other friend's five year daughter starting school, it hit me my five year old should be starting school too!
It's so depressing. At times like this I get so depressed, I know Hope is happy and healthy and well taken care of and yet I feel so empty and wonder what the point is - even if I am a great mom to Hope - when I failed Amy Dawn. I wanted to give her so much. I wanted to give them both so much. I found myself crying today telling Hope that I was sorry her big sister wasn't here to play with her. I think I'll always feel like a failure because Amy Dawn didn't come home alive and well like she was supposed to.
Please don't judge me for feeling this way -this is how I feel- please tell me if you can understand.
I know these next few weeks will be difficult. I'm going to try to focus on nurturing myself through this time.
It's so depressing. At times like this I get so depressed, I know Hope is happy and healthy and well taken care of and yet I feel so empty and wonder what the point is - even if I am a great mom to Hope - when I failed Amy Dawn. I wanted to give her so much. I wanted to give them both so much. I found myself crying today telling Hope that I was sorry her big sister wasn't here to play with her. I think I'll always feel like a failure because Amy Dawn didn't come home alive and well like she was supposed to.
Please don't judge me for feeling this way -this is how I feel- please tell me if you can understand.
I know these next few weeks will be difficult. I'm going to try to focus on nurturing myself through this time.
Love the name! (until now, I thought we were the only one to have named her that).
