Hi ladies...I'm finally able to finally sit down--it's been such a long day. It's so odd that less than 48 hours after giving birth, I actually just got to sit down--there were so many appointments today...it's not what is supposed to happen right now. Luckily, Brandon is still the same sweet baby he's always been--I think he's the only reason we're still going right now--he has this way of making us laugh right now...it's the only thing keeping us afloat right now...
Anyhow, I did want to update you a little on Ryland and what happened. Of course, you know that my water broke late labor day. Unfortunately, that was the only sign of labor--I swear this whole thing was an eerie flashback to Brandon's birth. I never went into labor after that...well, nothing more than a few easy contractions. They ended up doing pitocin to jumpstart things, and every time they turned it off, labor would start. After 24 hours, they just needed to get him out because of the GBS+, so I got the epidural so they could turn up the pitocin and get things going a lot. Unfortunately, Ryland got stuck coming down, just like Brandon, and after 2 hours of pushing, we noticed his heartrate was going from 150 to 38. I begged them to use the vacuum to get him out because it was really the last chance we had, but it was just too late--his heartrate never recovered after he was finally born--I think the monitor showed it as still varying between the two even as they were taking his body out.
They pulled him out and put him on my chest while the doctor cut the cord--he never moved or made a sound. I asked the doctor why he wasn't crying, and she said he wasn't supposed to because he was covered in merconium and had swallowed a ton of it. So, they wisked him out to the little area of the room that was set up for the baby--I never saw what happened after this because I was still being stitched up, but I guess they were doing CPR, pumping air into his chest with a little balloon bag thing, and they gave him 6 shots of epinepheran (at the beginning, he wasn't breathing but his heart was working, but several minutes later when they were pumping him, his heart stopped too). I don't know how long it was, but I had been stitched up a long time before the pediatrician came out and said they just couldn't do anything else--it was at least 30 minutes, maybe 45 or 60 where they were trying to get him to breathe, and he just never did.
They wrapped him up in a blanket and put his hat on and brought him out for Dave to hold--it was at that time the priest finally made it and baptized him (I yelled for them to call a priest 5 minutes after Ry was born but noone would admit that it was that bad. So, the priest didn't make it in time--not that he would have been allowed in the room if he had, because the baby area was really small).
My God, this baby is beautiful. Ryland's face is an exact carbon copy of Brandon's...not Brandon as a baby, but Brandon right now. And he has a head of gorgeous thick black hair...and brown eyes. I thought Dave was lying when he said Ry had brown eyes because I thought all baby's eyes were blue, but he's right--Ry has my thick dark hair and very deep brown eyes. He is absolutely one of the most beautiful babies in the world. I have a couple pictures the hospital took--both color and black and white. I'm going to upload them, but I'm going to post them as links so that if anyone's uncomfortable looking at them, they don't accidentally see them.
Ryland Josef William Shardell was born at 3:09 AM on September 7, 2005. He was 7 lbs, 10 ounces and 20.5" long. His head was 14 1/2" around and his chest was 12" long. He is just absolutely beautiful and perfect and gorgeous and right up to the end, he was fighting for everything. Our only solace is that he never knew anything but being warm and safe and cozy inside his mommy...he never knew anything harsh about the world. He knew his mommy and daddy and big brother and spent many hours kicking back at us.
We will never really know what happened because we declined the autopsy. Today, the ob said something though that made sense. Most remember that I had an ob appointment at the end of pregnancy where his heartrate was documented at over 200 bpm. The next week, the doula caught it really low at 120 bpm. During the last part of labor, his heartrate was fluctuating so much...from the 30's to the 180's. She said that she believes he may have had a defect in his heart, but because there is no family history, no advanced ultrasounds were done during pregnancy to actually search for a specific heart defect. She thinks this defect in combination with the stress of the delivery caused him to pass a ton of merconium--there was just so much there. With everything that happened, he just never could have survived, and even if he did survive, the heart defect most likely would have just gone undetected and would have unfortunately been discovered within a few days after birth. The ob also says (actually the doula said it, and the ob agreed) that because both of my labors were nearly identical--both required inductions but even with the inductions I never went into labor with help--they think it is low oxytocin. That is the same thing that would contribute to low milk supply. She thinks that this is a case that no matter what, I literally will never be able to go into and sustain labor, and the fact that there was no sign of labor starting after 24 hours of having the water broke pretty much goes along with that.
The ob says if we ever get pregnant again, I will have an automatic c-section at 38 or 39 weeks, and I will be considered extremely high risk. I will have to have a heart specialist do very frequent high-level ultrasounds and fetal ekg's. It does make me feel better that in the future this will be monitored. Nothing is what we would have chosen, but it's better knowing that if we ever decide to have another child, we will be doing it surrounded by the best specialists in the state of Ohio and the chance of this ever happening again are very slim.
We're still getting through minute by minute. Strangely enough, once we got home, it was just like life started where it left off--Brandon still has his routines and everything is just where it was when we left. It's just an odd feeling. It's really hard though because things weren't supposed to be the same when we got back, and it's really hard knowing that these two boys, so close in age, won't be the best friend playmates everyone expected. Brandon never got to know his brother, and we never got to know our sweet angel baby. I just don't know where we go from here...
Ryland's funeral is Saturday at 1:00. I can't believe all of this and how fast it's going. I never thought I would have to plan the funeral of one of my children right now. It's just completely unreal.
I have to try to eat something now, and get a little rest. I will scan in the pictures before bed tonight and anyone who wants to see our sweet Ryland can see him.
Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers. They are deeply felt. And thank you so much to all those who sent flowers and cards and well wishes to the hospital (although I admit, I don't know how you found me!
: ). When they moved me to a special room away from the maternity ward, those flowers were very comforting to look at. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every single person who thought about us in any way. I love you all...
Anyhow, I did want to update you a little on Ryland and what happened. Of course, you know that my water broke late labor day. Unfortunately, that was the only sign of labor--I swear this whole thing was an eerie flashback to Brandon's birth. I never went into labor after that...well, nothing more than a few easy contractions. They ended up doing pitocin to jumpstart things, and every time they turned it off, labor would start. After 24 hours, they just needed to get him out because of the GBS+, so I got the epidural so they could turn up the pitocin and get things going a lot. Unfortunately, Ryland got stuck coming down, just like Brandon, and after 2 hours of pushing, we noticed his heartrate was going from 150 to 38. I begged them to use the vacuum to get him out because it was really the last chance we had, but it was just too late--his heartrate never recovered after he was finally born--I think the monitor showed it as still varying between the two even as they were taking his body out.
They pulled him out and put him on my chest while the doctor cut the cord--he never moved or made a sound. I asked the doctor why he wasn't crying, and she said he wasn't supposed to because he was covered in merconium and had swallowed a ton of it. So, they wisked him out to the little area of the room that was set up for the baby--I never saw what happened after this because I was still being stitched up, but I guess they were doing CPR, pumping air into his chest with a little balloon bag thing, and they gave him 6 shots of epinepheran (at the beginning, he wasn't breathing but his heart was working, but several minutes later when they were pumping him, his heart stopped too). I don't know how long it was, but I had been stitched up a long time before the pediatrician came out and said they just couldn't do anything else--it was at least 30 minutes, maybe 45 or 60 where they were trying to get him to breathe, and he just never did.
They wrapped him up in a blanket and put his hat on and brought him out for Dave to hold--it was at that time the priest finally made it and baptized him (I yelled for them to call a priest 5 minutes after Ry was born but noone would admit that it was that bad. So, the priest didn't make it in time--not that he would have been allowed in the room if he had, because the baby area was really small).
My God, this baby is beautiful. Ryland's face is an exact carbon copy of Brandon's...not Brandon as a baby, but Brandon right now. And he has a head of gorgeous thick black hair...and brown eyes. I thought Dave was lying when he said Ry had brown eyes because I thought all baby's eyes were blue, but he's right--Ry has my thick dark hair and very deep brown eyes. He is absolutely one of the most beautiful babies in the world. I have a couple pictures the hospital took--both color and black and white. I'm going to upload them, but I'm going to post them as links so that if anyone's uncomfortable looking at them, they don't accidentally see them.
Ryland Josef William Shardell was born at 3:09 AM on September 7, 2005. He was 7 lbs, 10 ounces and 20.5" long. His head was 14 1/2" around and his chest was 12" long. He is just absolutely beautiful and perfect and gorgeous and right up to the end, he was fighting for everything. Our only solace is that he never knew anything but being warm and safe and cozy inside his mommy...he never knew anything harsh about the world. He knew his mommy and daddy and big brother and spent many hours kicking back at us.
We will never really know what happened because we declined the autopsy. Today, the ob said something though that made sense. Most remember that I had an ob appointment at the end of pregnancy where his heartrate was documented at over 200 bpm. The next week, the doula caught it really low at 120 bpm. During the last part of labor, his heartrate was fluctuating so much...from the 30's to the 180's. She said that she believes he may have had a defect in his heart, but because there is no family history, no advanced ultrasounds were done during pregnancy to actually search for a specific heart defect. She thinks this defect in combination with the stress of the delivery caused him to pass a ton of merconium--there was just so much there. With everything that happened, he just never could have survived, and even if he did survive, the heart defect most likely would have just gone undetected and would have unfortunately been discovered within a few days after birth. The ob also says (actually the doula said it, and the ob agreed) that because both of my labors were nearly identical--both required inductions but even with the inductions I never went into labor with help--they think it is low oxytocin. That is the same thing that would contribute to low milk supply. She thinks that this is a case that no matter what, I literally will never be able to go into and sustain labor, and the fact that there was no sign of labor starting after 24 hours of having the water broke pretty much goes along with that.
The ob says if we ever get pregnant again, I will have an automatic c-section at 38 or 39 weeks, and I will be considered extremely high risk. I will have to have a heart specialist do very frequent high-level ultrasounds and fetal ekg's. It does make me feel better that in the future this will be monitored. Nothing is what we would have chosen, but it's better knowing that if we ever decide to have another child, we will be doing it surrounded by the best specialists in the state of Ohio and the chance of this ever happening again are very slim.
We're still getting through minute by minute. Strangely enough, once we got home, it was just like life started where it left off--Brandon still has his routines and everything is just where it was when we left. It's just an odd feeling. It's really hard though because things weren't supposed to be the same when we got back, and it's really hard knowing that these two boys, so close in age, won't be the best friend playmates everyone expected. Brandon never got to know his brother, and we never got to know our sweet angel baby. I just don't know where we go from here...
Ryland's funeral is Saturday at 1:00. I can't believe all of this and how fast it's going. I never thought I would have to plan the funeral of one of my children right now. It's just completely unreal.
I have to try to eat something now, and get a little rest. I will scan in the pictures before bed tonight and anyone who wants to see our sweet Ryland can see him.
Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers. They are deeply felt. And thank you so much to all those who sent flowers and cards and well wishes to the hospital (although I admit, I don't know how you found me!
: ). When they moved me to a special room away from the maternity ward, those flowers were very comforting to look at. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every single person who thought about us in any way. I love you all...
Ally. Thank-you so much for sharing your story. I hope you can find peace and strength. We are all here for you. I am so happy that our thoughts and prayers comforted you. We will continue to send them your way! 
My heart just breaks for you and your family. Please just let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
