I don't think I want the birth I have planned anymore.

[Galatea]

I am feeling really confused. I need gentle advice. I really am not looking for a lecture about the evils of anesthesia, and this is why I posted in my birth group. I do want to hear some advice or BTDT stories or cheering or whatever - just please don't yell at me.

Background: ds was induced in a hospital and I had an epidural and his birth was great. Pushing without much sensation was a little tough but he came out with no tears. The epidural was wonderful and once I got it I went from 3-10 cm in 2 hours.

This time, I am set to deliver with the same midwives in their freestanding birth center. There you can only have IV narcotics but no epidural. But they have jacuzzis (not big enough to swim in and not allowed to deliver underwater) and big comfy rooms and you can go home right away. Plus they bring you food of your choice and all th comforts of a homelike place.

Problem - last night I really thought I was in labor and had all the feelings - contrax, some with 2 peaks, low back pain, thigh pain, baby moved lower and sent shooting pains through my legs, nausea, downward pressue, everything. I seriously thought I was in transition. And I was freaking terrified. I kept praying (and I am an atheist) that it would stop b/c I didn't want to go through labor. I kept thinking that I couldn't take the pain and nausea and didn't want to do it. I got panicked. Luckily it stopped by morning and I am still pg. Every time I had a strong contraction today, I panicked again that I couldn't take the pain.

With ds I labored 7 p.m. to 3 p.m. the next day without anything and I don't remember the pain, but dh said I moaned a lot. I do remember how great the epidural felt, though, and how quick and easy things went once I got it. But to get an epidural this time, I would have to abandon the birth center and be at the hospital, and I'd have to stay at least one night (b/c they won't release the baby without seeing a ped) so I'd miss ds and worry about him, and I'd miss the cool birth center experience, and the NCB experience, and the bragging rights (stupid, I know, but I think about it). Dh has told everyone that we are going to the birth center without an epidural, and I am afraid to give the mainstream ILs something to talk about. Or seem like a wimp to the midwives.

Dh said we should go to the hospital and try it natural there but the epidural would be readily available. He does not want to see me in pain. Or we could go to the birth center and then transfer if I couldn't handle the pain. I am worried that I won't go in to labor or progress until I work this out. That maybe the reason my labor stopped last night was b/c I was so afraid of the pain. Or maybe I will go into labor and it will be so quick there won't be time to worry. That's ideal.

You know, typing this out, I think I realized I want the hospital with the fetal monitoring. I liked it. It was reassuring. Esp. with all that has been going on here in our group. But I don't know. Maybe I am just thinking about Amy and Ally.

[Goldiemom]

I think that you need to do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. If you think that being at the hospital were you would have access to fetal monitoring and the epi pain meds would help you feel better about labor and delivery there is no shame in that.

There is also nothing wrong with being scared that something might go wrong. Especially with what has happened in the last two weeks. Whatever you decide though, as long as your baby is healthy, how he got out of you doesn't really mean much. HTH

[Shell_Ell]

Oh Mama... take a deep breath.

I can definately relate to what you are feeling. The past few days I have wondered "Is the birth center where I want to be? Can I do this without meds? What if something goes wrong?" But please be reassured... labour and delivery are a completely natural process. For most of us, our bodies will go through that process on it's own and produces healthy babies for a majority of us. It's very easy to get scared when things are happening around you. I know I have. It's completely natural to relate it to your own situation and question your choices.

I would say talk to your midwives about this. Tell them your fears. Maybe journal a bit and then get it all out in the open. Your birth experience is all your own. It should be what you feel comfortable with, period. I think it's good that you are communicating this to others.

I know that doesn't help much, but I can completely relate. Hugs to you.

[Artisan]

No lectures, just commiseration. I was in the same place you were -- decent hospital birth with epi, wanted to deliver at the birth center, but was scared of the pain.

What I told myself was that there is nothing more special about the billions of women who have given birth without epidurals than there is about me. They are not better than me. Somehow, women DO find the strength, and even though it's hard, it's a life changing experience. I really do feel that my second birth changed my life. I also worried about the monitoring, and then I read that continuous monitoring has not improved fetal outcomes at all -- in fact, infant mortality rates have increased since their routine introduction.

That's just my experience. Forgive me for butting in -- I saw this when I clicked New Posts.

[Breathless Wonder]

Saw this on "new posts"
Just wanted to say that I can understand where you are coming from.

IME, state of mind is *SO* important.

If you have the time, skim through "Birthinhg from Within".

And consider, really consider, what you can be comfortable with. There was a reason you wanted the birth center. Do your fears overwhelm those reasons?

I wish you luck.

[Full Heart]

I can relate. I've had my good births but I have also had my bad births. Where the pain was intolerable, where my mind couldn't even cope. I fear that happening again. I told dh if it does to please take me to the hospital (hb planned). You know at the bc if you feel you need to transfer for meds you can. No one is gonna force you to labor without meds. I totally think you could very well have talked yourself right out of labor last night, and what has happened on our board is not helping your state of mind any. Its ok to be scared and anxious. You were induced the first time so this labor could be completly different. Shorter and less painful. I would concentrate on that aspect. Stay focused on the positive. When you fears start to creep up relax your body like a rag doll and and say, "Yes, I can do it." And stay completly relaxed till the fear passes.

Michelle

[The Milk Bag]

I had an epi with both my births. They were both very, very "medical" births. I was confined to bed with the second one.

But you know what? I have no regrets. Both my birth experiences were absolutely perfect for me because they were *mine*.

I consider myself pretty non-mainstream in terms of my parenting. Not as much so as some of the women on MDC - I do vaccinate and I do see an OB for my pregnancies (and I would still see one even if I did not have high risk pregnancies). I believe in child-led weaning, I cloth diaper, I co-sleep, I wear my babies, etc. But when it comes to my births, I am as non-MDC as you can get. While I respect people who choose to have home births, the thought of them scares me to death. Yes, childbirth is a natural process and our bodies know what to do - but things unfortunately can and do go wrong. I want to be in a hospital if that happens. My mom nearly died during childbirth. Had she not already been in a hospital, she and my little sister would not be here today. It's a miracle that they both are as they had just seconds to keep her from going into cardiac arrest and a doctor passing by just happened to have the heart medication she needed in his pocket. So knowing of that experience, I made the decision to have all my children in a hospital (this was before I knew I would not have a choice).

I guess what I'm saying is that if you aren't comfortable with your plans, then change them. First and foremost, you need to be comfortable with what you are doing. If you want the fetal monitoring, then go to the hospital. If you didn't because you wanted to prove something by having a natural birth in the birth center and something happened, could you forgive yourself? Don't give a second thought to what the ILs will think -this is *your* birth experience. Don't let them take it from you and don't do something you don't want to do just to prove to anyone else that you can. Any woman can give birth without pain medication - everyone *had* to many many years ago. That doesn't mean that we have to or that we are a lesser person if we don't want to.

I have nothing but respect for people who do give birth without medication. But it wasn't the right decision for me. And I do not feel guilty because of it.

Of course, take my message with a grain of salt - I'm planning on going to medical school in two years to become an OB/GYN. That alone may get me completely flamed on this board (which is why I've never mentioned it before)! But at least I will be an OB/GYN who supports extended breastfeeding and nursing during pregnancy. ;-)

[Katt2005]

I think you should do what makes you happy and comfortable. Everyone is different, and handle situations differently. Forget about the ILs, this is for YOU and YOUR baby! I am having a hospital birth, and trying to go unmedicated. But the option of meds is there if i need it. I will not feel ashamed for doing so if need be. My first pg my contrx were on top of each other and I only had a few seconds between each peak that went to the top of the chart!! I was so scared and it hurt so bad (probably cause I was scared) that I was about to pass out. I had to get an epi. for my own focus and strength. Scares me a little about this birth.

Choose what will make this the best birth for YOU!!

[Yummymummy74]

Oh Boy... do I have insight to offer you

Ok first off I should preface and tell you I would never personally attempt undrugged childbirth in a hospital.. I have had it once but it was a super precipitous labour and left me pretty stunned.. my other births in hospital have been spontanious labour with epidural.. and then yes *gasp* planned induction with epidural in place before pit was even run...

There is no perfect way to do things.. well ok I think UC us pretty damn much the ideal for TOO many reasons to list.. but again it all comes down to you.. if you are worried and stressing out over the concept of the potential pain already then I would say your answering your own question! I found my homebirths to be alot more bearable pain wise because I did not set myself up expectation wise I just dealt with what I got.. and basically for *me* the security and autonomy of being in control was the trade off for the magic epidural..

In terms of complications I know tensions seem high right now there have been two tradgedies that are heartbreaking but I can pick things out of those stories and apply them to my own recent birth outcome that was fine.
meconium.. broken waters all those things even yes *gasp* the cord wrapped around my sons neck 3 times was not an issue in an unattended homebirth..

I think you need to listen to your heart if you want the drugs then I say get them! I don't think I agree with the whole bragging rights thing..you do what you have to do... I say that as a person who has done everything BUT have a c-section :LOL

*hugs*

[trijosie-mama]

I have been thinking some of the same thoughts! And I just changed Dr's inorder to get the natural birth I wanted, although I will be in a hospital.

I've started thinking about how I have a split uterus and I'm scared I won't go into labor naturally, but I don't want to go through the pain of an induced labor, it was awful with ds, I ended up with a shot of pain meds toward the end. But from what I've read and heard it would be safer to just get the epidural. So I've kind of made myself a back up plan. I do want the natrual birth and I'm not afraid of it hurting, it can't be worse than a pitocin labor I've already gone through. My hospital has a tub that I can labor in as long as I want, my Dr is the only dr to "accidentally" deliver a baby underwater, not that I think this will happen, but it proves that I will be in charge, not the medical staff.

If my body doesn't want to go into labor naturally, I'll be sad, I want so badly for it to do the things it's supposed to on it's own, but more than that I want to have a good experience and I know an induced labor will hurt more than I can handle so i'll go with the epi. In the end the only thing that really matters is that our babes come out safe and to a loving family.

HTH! I'm very emotional today, so if my typing seems off, you know it's just a pregnant brain typing!

[sarahloughmiller]

It really comes down to what you feel most comfortable with. If the hospital is what makes you comfortable, then that is where you sould be. If giving birth at the BC is going to make you worry the whole time, then that is not the place for you.
I had a great home birth with ds and I feel the same way as you when my contrax start up. I don't know why, I was not like this with ds and I labored very well with him. It was painful, but not that bad at all. For some reason I am worried about this birth. Maybe it is just fear of the unknown. You have not done it naturally before and don't know exactly what to expect, I have not given birth to twins before. I bet once you make a decision you are really comfortable with you will probably go into labor and have that baby!

[meowee]

I can tell you my experiences regarding pain management: I had four unmedicated births, three in hospital and one at home in the water. All were quite painful and left me feeling rather traumatized, but I was so afraid of what I read about epidurals that I refused to have one. I blamed the pain of the first three on being in the hospital, with the hostile atmosphere and the fetal monitoring, the nasty nurses, etc. But my homeborth was 10x worse in terms of the pain.

My last birth, I posted on "Acadia is here," I had an epidural. I found that once the epidural took effect and I was wrapped up in bed, with the lights dimmed, all the terrible things about the hospital no longer seemed so terrible, because I was not going through that intense pain. And while every experience is unique, baby and I had absolutely no bad side effects of the epidural (I had veen anticipating the worst after hanging around MDC for so long! :LOL ). In fact, the baby had been kicking and pummeling me through my contractions (she was a very active baby in utero). She continued to kick and pummel me after the epidural was administered-- that really shocked me, because I had read that the narcotics knock out the baby and make them "floppy." It didn't have that effect on her.

One of my biggest fears about the epi was pushing-- I was afraid I wouldn't be able to push. My baby parcatically FELL out of me, it was that easy. Your body can push out the baby whether you are aggressively trying to or not, assuming the positioning of the baby's head is decent.

[wednesday]

All the replies so far seem to be focused on epi vs. no epi, so I wanted to put a word in for the alternative (pharmaceutically, I mean). My son was born in a freestanding birth center, and I planned before the birth that if I could "make it" naturally, I would, but that I wouldn't hesitate to ask for medical pain relief if I was really hurting. Surprisingly, I went many hours and got all the way to 8 cm dilated before I felt like it was too much. At that point I asked for medicine. They gave me an injection in my thigh (not an IV) of a drug called phenergan, which is actually an anti-nausea drug, and within a very few minutes the pain was totally gone. I was completely relaxed, and was pushing within an hour without a twinge of pain. Just wanted to give you a positive story about birthing in a birth center WITH medical pain relief.

[hollyhobbie]

oh mama, i imagine you have had your babe already and i hope it was a great experience. i just wanted to say that i just gave birth to my second baby at home with my midwives care. and it was the best and wonderful and worked for me but when i was in labour at night, i thought to myself... i can sure see why mama's choose to have pain relief or an epi or whatever. i just had this feeling like we shouldnt judge. it was tough. i was thinking that if labour was a headache i sure as hell woulda taken something for the pain!!
good luck to you!

[mamabeth]

I understand the questioning of birth decisions in the last little bit. I tend to be going the other way...my birth with dd was induced, and I got an epidural for the last few hours. It was a horrible experience...I could feel the baby "in distress" and so they shut off the pit and I had a c-sec. I know so many people are induced and do fine and love their epidurals, and I get that because before I got mine I was in a lot of pain. But it wasn't pain-free with it for me either.

So that was my experience...I guess what I'm trying to say is that no birth is going to be painless even with fentanyl (which I had too, and hated!) or an epidural, but do what you need to do to make sure that your body will be relaxed and able to do what it needs to do no matter what.

Now if I could only take my own advice.

[wednesday]

Just remembered that the drug I was given was phenergan, not fentanyl. They were out of the fentanyl.

[Yummymummy74]

Originally Posted by mamabeth

I understand the questioning of birth decisions in the last little bit. I tend to be going the other way...my birth with dd was induced, and I got an epidural for the last few hours. It was a horrible experience...I could feel the baby "in distress" and so they shut off the pit and I had a c-sec. I know so many people are induced and do fine and love their epidurals, and I get that because before I got mine I was in a lot of pain. But it wasn't pain-free with it for me either.

So that was my experience...I guess what I'm trying to say is that no birth is going to be painless even with fentanyl (which I had too, and hated!) or an epidural, but do what you need to do to make sure that your body will be relaxed and able to do what it needs to do no matter what.

Now if I could only take my own advice.

Actually I just wanted to point out that It CAN be painless and I have acheived this on a few occassions with an epidural placed before induction drugs were administered...obviously NOT a good choice for a primip... but when your getting into the "grand multip" catagory pretty much anything you do works... :LOL

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmuma

Actually I just wanted to point out that It CAN be painless and I have acheived this on a few occassions with an epidural placed before induction drugs were administered...obviously NOT a good choice for a primip... but when your getting into the "grand multip" catagory pretty much anything you do works... :LOL

Jumping jacks? :LOL

Thanks for all the advice and stories and support.

My midwife actually suggested the Phenergan b/c I am very afraid of nausea. I am glad to hear good things about it. But the painless birth sounds good too, and the more I think about going to the hospital and having the time there after the baby is born, just me and him, that sounds nice. So I am more confused. It is frustrating b/c my labor keeps starting and stopping and I know it is b/c I am unsettled. As soon as I have some good serious contrax, I freak out and they stop. I am afraid labor will never begin. Now I wish I had some induction-happy OB who would induce me at my whim now. I know with a little pit and an epidural, he would be born in a few hours. Maybe not as quick as Marsupialmuma, but quick.

It is interesting to read about women who have done both. That helps with perspective. Thank you all so much.

[Ruthla]

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. The safest place to birth is where mama feels safe. For me, that means at home with NOBODY touching me- for you, that may mean a hospital, or it may mean the birthing center.

I know that the first contraction of my first labor knocked me off my feet. I was NOT ready!! By the time I got through the second contraction, I realized that if I just took everything one moment at a time, I'd be OK. Don't think about transition, don't think about pushing- just think about getting through THIS contraction. Then just keep doing it.

When labor was all over, I hardly remembered the pain, and I didn't have to deal with a catheter or any other medical side effects. Of course, you may decide that the potential side-effects of an epidural or other meds are worth it- that's a choice that only you can make.

[Music-mommy]

I just had my baby girl 2 weeks ago, and this was my second homebirth. I have to say, that there was a small window of time where I thought to myself "what the heck am I doing? This is so painful!" but it was so temporary.

My strategy for dealing with pain during labour is to deal with one contraction at a time, and to remember this is only temporary. Your fear is was is stopping your labor, but you sound like you know that already.

My opinion is that if you really feel you will spend the entire labor in fear, this will not only inhibit your birthing process, but also will not do any favors to your baby. I am a strong believer in unmedicated births, but I also believe that it is impossible to judge other moms for their choices when I haven't walked a mile in their shoes.... so like the others have said, you have to do what is right for you, and not care if people will judge you or not. They will always judge you regardless of what you do! So do what feels right to you, trust yourself and you'll be fine.