You were never the nicest back then, anyway!

[Red]

Yep, after thinking I was a good mother all these years, I discovered I was not so nice.

My 15 yodd informed me, very matter-of-factly this afternoon that she was probably afraid to ask me to help her find a bathroom as a kid, cause I wasn't so nice, back then.

Heck, I'm my own worst critic. But honestly, I think I was one of the BEST mothers I ever met. I coddled my babies, they slept with us till they were 4, nursed till they were 2 (Twins!), were never rushed or pushed. I baked cookies with them, let them "help" me bake bread every time, took them for walks and picnics and to the kids museum. Etc, etc, etc.


And now SHE has an attitude about me feelling bad!


Kids!

[JamesMama]

it's just a teenager thing probably. It sounds like you were (are) a wonderful mother!

[BabyOsMommy]

s
She's 15, and not exactly at an age where she's got a good perspective on things. I remember being MEAN to my mother just because I could be at that age because I was trying to be more independant. She probably doesn't mean it, and even if she does she won't mean it when she's 20 and all those hormones have settled down.

I can imagine how hurt you are, though, cause it would still be hard to hear. More s

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Aw!! My grandmother raised me... Sounds alot like the things you said... She was kind, compassionate, loving, just everything a mother SHOULD be... And well, between the ages of 13 and 15, I treated her like crap I was nasty and said the nastiest things to her...

She died when I was 15, and I fell into a deep depression over how I treated her... I took her for granted, and she was gone from me forever...

I still look back and hate myself for how bratty I acted

All I'm really trying to say is that, I don't doubt you were a great mother... Sometimes, a 15 year old isn't the best person to ask, even if you parented them the best in the world..

[darwinphish]

When I was 19, I came back home from college and apologized to my Mom for the things I said/did when I was a teenager. It was like some veil had been lifted from my eyes and I suddenly realized what a great Mom she was. I can't believe how calm she had remained in light of all the abuse I threw at her. When I was 15 and the hormones were raging I had this illogical contempt and embarrasment when it came to my parents, especially my Mom. It still makes me feel bad to think about it to this day.

So, know that you're NOT a bad Mom! She's just going through a lot of emotional changes that can throw a poor teenager's brain for a loop!

[lilyka]

man! that has got to suck. I would be crushed. and obsessively replaying everything I ever did. maybe she just chose the wrong word.

[lisap]

Sounds like a typical teenager. I hated my mom and we fought like crazy. DD told me the other day "no like mama." She's only 23 months old. Now I really felt like crap. Although it was over a Wiggles song and she didn't want me to sing it anymore. Maybe she just hates my singing :LOL !

[Red]

You're all right of course. It was just that she wasn't angry when she said it. We were teasing and talking and she just laid it on me.

If she'd been irritated with me for something, I'd have blown it off.

Is it possible for me to have PMS before my periiod is quite over? The family I usually love made me cry twice today! Maybe I just need a nap.

I, too, was mean to my mother.

Thanks forthe sympathy. I think I'm over it.

[avivaelona]

Awwww. hugs momma. Even when I wasn't irritated I was an insufferable know it all and a little AHEM, as a 15 year old. It took a few years and then I realized I had been wrong about almost everything. Don't sweat it, you can ask her when she's 25 if you were really a lousy mom and at least you might get something closer to the truth

Aviva

[lilyka]

if you were joking around is it possible she was just making a silly jab?

[flapjack]

Nobody's perfect, not even our kids. She's allowed a bad day/month/year if she needs one, and so were you. It sounds like she has a specific memory in her head that she's probably not going to deal with until she hits her adult years and can get some perspective on your relationship.

[Alkenny]

I agree with the PPs...there might've been one MINOR incident that she remembers, but there's a reason everyone is always told "I hope when you have kids that they..." because then they realize how even mommies aren't perfect.

[meemee]

red, u still have a few more years to go before you will really know what kind of a mother you were. for ur dd to understand. i honestly didnt appreciate or understand my mom until i had my dd. my mom wasnt the best mom but i had a better understanding of where she came from. and even though we still arent the best of friends (because of our personality differences and different philosophies) i totally understand her unconditional love for me. so wait.

though i think what u thougth of urself as a mom and what ur dd thinks are two different things. and the things u mentioned as being a good mom are things ur kids wont remember (probably) but i can tell u one thing. you may not have been the nicest mother, or the coolest, etc mother... but one day u will hear ur dd/children say - no matter what mom we always knew u always loved us no matter what we did. and that i think is the crown i want to wear.

for me personally i dont want to wear the 'best mom' crown. i want to wear the unconditional love crown - that mom no matter what i did that u would condone the act but i would still be your child and u would always love me. and never forsake me.

and truly red i feel i havent really started parenting yet. so far i feel it has been easy even though my dd was a high needs baby and a v. spirited child. right now i have just been laying the foundation of love and security. perhaps in a couple of years the true parenting will start. when/if i can explain to my dd that she is grounded out of love and not spite or power.

[Persephone]

I realized after I got out of the house that teenagers really have no concept of how their words affect anyone else. They can say the most hurtful things, and just have no clue about how it hurts others. Especially their parents. I"m sorry she hurt your feelings, but she likely has no clue that what she said was even hurtful. I feel so bad for some of the stuff I said to my parents (and now I"m watching them go through it with my 16 yr old brother.) She'll come out of it one day.

[oceanbaby]

My little sister once told my mom, in all seriousness, that my mom was a bad mom for depriving her of having a vacation home in the snow like all her other friends had.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by lilyka

if you were joking around is it possible she was just making a silly jab?

Am wondering this too... My SO has a pretty crappy/sarcastic/borderline nasty sense of humor... He makes these jokes and wonders why someone gets upset with him, because after all, it was just a joke in his mind.... *shrugs*

I also wanted to point out, I was constantly nasty to my grandmother (who raised me) at about 15... Whether argueing or not, I was just downright mean all the time...

I found out later that the family always blamed it out 'teenage PMS', and would try to avoid me for like 2 weeks out of the month...

[Suzetta]

Especially since she said it as a passing comment, I would open up the dialogue with her. She might have meant it as a compliment. Children are amazingly perceptive. Even some of my third graders would tell me that they were glad I was "mean". What they really meant was that they thrive on the structure that I provided. Your dd might have a friend whose parents aren't so "mean", and she might be bothered by what is happening.

Just a thought.

Even if she meant it to hurt you, I would still take it in the context that it was said. If being "mean" means that you are constantly looking out for her welfare, then it is a badge you can wear proudly. You know in your heart what kind of parent you were.