Working Mothers - Page 8

[ebaby]

I travel off and on with my job. Ds has already been to many places. He even has frequent flier miles with American. My dh usually can not go, but we have been lucky enough that my Mother or oldest sister can go with me. (Neither of them mind the co-sleep with me and babe). I know my situ is totally awesome with family that can go and help with babe. I can go to my meetings and my sis or mom can bring ds to me to nurse in the day. I cut out a lot of the social aspects of the travel to get some qt in with ds before we tuck in early. I have learned that most hotels (even the 4+star ones) have terrible housekeeping and nothing is child safe so I travel with a list of stuff to modify the rooms as soon as we arrive.
We are actually getting ready for a couple of trips now. He loves the plane and we always get lots of compliments on what a good traveler he is.

PS: we usually use the sling between gates & I use a backpack to balance us out with just the essentials. Check the rest of your stuff. Forget taking a laptop on the plane to work, even with help it usually does not happen.
I can not imagine leaving him yet. (ds just turned one)

Good luck!
K

[Marlena]

Re: Co-sleeping WOHM

Originally posted by MamaDeLiana
BUT she also reverted from 3-4 hour stretches between feedings at night to 1-2 hour stretches. I'm really torn about this. Because I'm away from her much of the day, the closeness at night can be precious. But it's really hard for me to function at work some days, even though I'm going to bed early to compensate.

Like others who've posted, I co-sleep with dd (age 19 months). While dd was nearly sleeping through the night when I was WAHM, when I started a new position that requires me to be out of the house about a month ago, dd reverted to waking several times per night. It's only 3-4 times, granted, but still, it's more than before. I compensate by trying to get to bed by 10:30, and sleeping till 6 (with the wakings inbetween; dd gets up around 7 most mornings). I can function coherently on a regular 6 hours of sleep, and figure this schedule allows me to get about that amount of sleeping time in. It's worth it to me to continue co-sleeping and nursing, as I'm no longer around for dd during the daytime on most weekdays. Good luck!

[owen&mama]

Regarding Travel!

Thanks, K (ebaby)! Yes, we've learned to travel lean and mean. I've been pretty lucky with the family part also, but this next time, I'm trying an in-home caregiver. DS is getting a bit more restless on the flights, but so far he's traveled really well. I'm considering leaving the pump at home this time...it adds an additional bag. I don't have help at the destination airport, so every bag adds that much more complexity.

[Quirky]

I @##%$^ hate my boss sometimes (vent)

I started back to work last week at a 4 day a week schedule (off Wed.). My DH is at home with 5 month old DS for two months, then we'll start with a nanny. Things went OK Mon Tues, NOT OK Thurs Fri - DS would not take the bottle and didn't eat anything either day, and was fussy/screaming both days. (DH burst into tears when I got home Fri ).

I left an hour early Thurs. because DH really needed me home. I get in the next day to an email from my boss setting out when to take annual leave vs. sick leave for when I leave early. It doesn't matter if I work overtime or at home to make up for any hours out of the office....those "don't count." Only hours in the office between 9 and 5:30 count.

I'm a frickin' professional here - I get my work done, which more often than not before DS required evenings and weekends....yet he won't treat me like one. I hate this!!! Why does it have to be all take and no give on his part??

The hard part is, I love this job and my co-workers, and I like my boss most days, in all other respects besides this one. And he's got two kids under 3, so it's not as if he's not aware of the demands of family life, yet he refuses to be flexible. GRRRRR.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any thoughts or suggestions how to "manage upwards" to persuade him to be more flexible?

[Marlena]

Jane, you said before that the culture at your workplace was very rigid re in-office versus out-of-office hours. I hear you 100% on the "I'm a professional, so, as long as I get the job done, who gives a **** where I do it?" I totally agree, and expect this flexibility from my employers.

What's the reason behind the fixed face time rules? Do you know? Have they explained it? I'd start there. Then, is the explanation cogent? If it is, then you probably have a leg up: as long as you can explain how working on a more flexible schedule will *facilitate* their goals (I'd definitely put it in those terms, rather than framing it negatively re how it won't harm the goals and/or how your family needs you as well as your job), then you should have a decent shot (perhaps after some time spent priming them for the conversation) at achieving a more flexible schedule. If the explanation makes little sense, however, you're probably toast re the issue, as it's probably just "one of those things" - some bizarre thing the boss or board or whomever thinks needs to happen, "just because."

Good luck!

And boy, it would sure be a lot easier to discuss the work issues if we had a board for doing so. There are a number of different discussions going on about different things.

[mingber]

Jane - I can feel for your boss situation. I left a job for that exact reason. I have been working full-time with 2 kids now for 2 years (the youngest is 14 months). I hate the whole professional/work your tail off and get nothing in return problem of the corporate world. I left a great job to take a more flexible one, but now I'm bored at work and have to find something else. My boss is great - but there is no workload - that's another story. His kids are the exact same age as mine and every am we compare who got more sleep, and who is going to make coffee - who needs it more.

As for the pump thing. I pumped till DS was 8 months - then couldn't take it any more. So, I stopped and gave him what I had frozen as well as formula. He went onto milk at 1 year - but now has a milk allergy so he gets soy. He has cronic otitis media and they want to do tubes - i refuse. That's another story also. He just weaned himself last week. I was bfing in the am and at night before bed for the past several months.

The guilt - I have it everyday. Part of my problem though - is I HATE TO WORK! I would rather be home with the kids. Some women love working either in home or out and I don't. We just can't afford for me to stay home.

ebaby - Our kids are 3 years apart and I love it. DD helps so much with DS - I am looking at the same spacing for next time - except DH says - no more - yeah, we'll see about that - accidents do happen.

[owen&mama]

"...And boy, it would sure be a lot easier to discuss the work issues if we had a board for doing so. There are a number of different discussions going on about different things."

(don't know how to do the quote thing yet! )

Marlena, I completely agree....I want to reply to almost every issue, but I can't sift through it all, what with work and all! I think it's being worked on, but I'm anxious!

[mingber]

I think a seperate board for working parents would be GREAT!! There are so many different topics that need to be covered.
Guilt
Exhaustion
Pumping at work
Bosses - needing extra time off
work travel
trying to get everything done at home while working
child care issues
getting quality time with the kids after working so much
what to do about sick kids and needing to stay home
and the list goes on and onand on.

[Greenfrogs]

I have an idea, WOHM may not get a board, but how about starting each thread with WOHM: pumping or WOHM: guilt or WOHM:daycare, and so on. That way we can discuss each issue separately, but they can be found easily.

[Marlena]

Greenfrogs, that sounds like a great idea! I second it.

[asherah]

I just accepted a promotion I didn't really want for a couple reasons..

yes of course the money..
but mostly the schedule.

I will now be working evenings.. 2p-10p. I feel like having daytime hours with ds will be better.. if I have to be tired somewhere.. I'd rather be tired at work than with DS. I am hoping that spending mornings with DS will bring us closer.. instead of me coming home tired in the evenings and spending most of my time with him night-nursing.

Trouble is.. I don't much like the work I'll be doing.
I hope I have made a wise choice.

[Greenfrogs]

Ashrah,

Congratulation on your promotion. I know how you feel though about your ambivalence about it. When I was pregnant I took a job that I knew was a bit more schedule predictable, but less exciting careerwise, so that I could be sure to spend more time with my son. I still feel ambivalent some days, but it will be soon enough where he will be more independent and I can change careerpaths again if I like.

[Ocean]

Jane, that's horrible that your boss is so not flexible. My work has been fairly flexible in that I explained when I interviewed that I had a baby and needed flexibility, and so far no one has said anything when I just take off for doctor appointment. I did, however, get a call at home when I called in sick because I had mastitis. I missed two days of work and found out that our official sick leave policy of "Take whatever sick leave you need as long as you are caught up on work" unofficially means "Sick days are not allowed." At my last job, I took some unpaid Family & Medical Leave Act time off when my baby was about 6 months old when my DH's work got busy so we could afford it and I really needed a break. You can take 12 weeks anytime within the fist year after your baby is born. Because I went back when dd was just 7 weeks, I still had some time I could take. It's unpaid, but maybe that would be an option.

I, too, noticed that my dd's night sleeping reverted when I went back to work full time. She had been sleeping 5-6 hours at night, but since working, she is up every 1-2 hours, and she is often up for 30 minutes, sometimes as long as 2 hours at a time! We cosleep and go to bed at 9:00 and get up at 6:00, yet I usually only get 4-6 hours of sleep a night. It's so hard! I won't let her CIO, but I am talking with dh about doing something to try to get her on a more regular sleep schedule.

[gretasmommy]

travelling with baby

Ebaby- you said you have travelled quite a bit with your DS .. .what do you bring along to modify rooms? We will be taking a trip in a few months with DD, who will be just a year at the time, and I am worried about how not child safe the rroms will be.
Thanks for the advice!

Andrea
mommy to Greta 3/14/02
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[teachma]

Hey-a question for all you WOHM, just to satisfy my curiosity. How many of you have breast fed babes who never, ever ever drank anything from a bottle although you were employed outside your home? Though it is a distant memory for me (ds is almost 2 1/2) I remember this being the nightmare of my lifetime and can still recall everyone (pediatrician, child care provider, mom, neighbors) telling me that he WILL take the bottle eventually. I remember dumping bag upon bag of EBM down the drain, I remember nursing all night, I remember his not gaining weight for almost 4 months...Uugghhh! Any one else with a very stubborn baby? How did you cope?

[mingber]

I have a question for those WOHM who have a SAHD.

I have a question for those WOHM who have a SAHD.

Do you leave DH/DP a list of items to complete during the day? Do they do them? Do they bring the kids out of the house for errands? What about outside play? etc.

My DH gets lazy and I think scared or overwhelmed to bring the kids out of the house. Most of the times he sits with them in front of the TV. Not much interactive play. He also doesn't get much done, except make dinner. He is home with the baby usually 1 1/2 days during the week and I don't feel I can rely on him for much. We have discussed this - I get the same response. "I will try harder", but I don't see it.
Any suggestions???

[Marlena]

Re: I have a question for those WOHM who have a SAHD.

Originally posted by mingber
I have a question for those WOHM who have a SAHD.

Do you leave DH/DP a list of items to complete during the day? Do they do them? Do they bring the kids out of the house for errands? What about outside play? etc.

My DH gets lazy and I think scared or overwhelmed to bring the kids out of the house. Most of the times he sits with them in front of the TV. Not much interactive play. He also doesn't get much done, except make dinner. He is home with the baby usually 1 1/2 days during the week and I don't feel I can rely on him for much. We have discussed this - I get the same response. "I will try harder", but I don't see it.
Any suggestions???

Yes, and I will be blunt: Tell your dh to get a job, and use the money he earns to hire some decent childcare. I'd fire any caregiver who thought that was an acceptable way to provide care to my child. Yeesh!

[teachma]

Mingber, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this issue. My husband stays home with my 2 year old one day per week, and I am really fortunate that he does. He chose to do this in order to have more bonding time with our son; because it was his choice, he is committed to participating in meaningful and valuable activities with our child. Granted, he is not able to do very much else during the day; he usually doesn't make dinner or do laundry or clean as much as I do when I am given a day to stay home from work. But to me, the most important thing he could do, and in fact the whole reason he doesn't go to work on Fridays, is to spend time doing fun things with our son. I am curious to know why you and your husband have the arrangement you do, since it seems to me that he doesn't really enjoy the time he has with the baby. Have you considered other arrangements?

[mingber]

Marlena-I think you misunderstood part of the problem. My husband does work full-time. He happens to have off 2 weekdays instead of weekends and watches the baby those days to help with childcare expenses.
DH says he enjoys the time with DS, but I'm not sure that is exactly true. I think he does like to watch him play, but is not sure whatelse to do with him.

He does tend to be lazy and not too active with the baby (DS-14 months). He is much better with DD who is 4, but she is in day care full time. He will take them to his grandparents so they get to see the kids, but he doesn't really do anything else and I find that fustrating. DH is overwhelmed by the idea of taking the kids out for the day. He does do the laundry, will go to the grocery store and cook dinner - but leaves the house a pit. We have discussed the situation and he says he doesn't know what to do with DS. I have given him idea, but he pretty much lets DS play on the floor while he watches TV. I'm not thrilled with this arrangement, but we can't afford more childcare expenses. I am going to try and set up play dates for DH & DS, but it's hard to find other SAHD who are available on the same days. I admit that DH is a couch potato and he knows I hate it!!

[Alenushka]

Well, what about a park outing? It is fun. A playgound? It is not too stressfull. He will get to mee some other fathers too