Working Mothers - Page 9

[Marlena]

Aha. I was about to say "that's tough for your dh, who has only those two days off but watches your youngest all day both days," but of course that's what I (and probably the rest of us) do (without parking our butts in front of the t.v., and while getting the house clean and going to the grocery story and fixing dinner and taking the kids to the park and doing fun things with them and all the rest). Dunno what to suggest, then. It sounds like you've discussed the issue thoroughly with him, but that no change has been forthcoming. Given this, I'd not expect him to change. (I'm also "blessed" with a couch potato husband - getting him off his butt to do anything is next to impossible if the task could in any way conceivably be performed from the sofa while watching t.v.) If I were in your shoes, I'd probably still see if I could convince your dh to take one day of extra work and use the money on better child care. Dunno how viable an option that is, though - would your dh balk at working 6, rather than 5, days?

At least it's only a day and a half, though. Could you learn to live with it, as awful as it might be?

[owen&mama]

Andrea (gretasmommy): I'm not ebaby, but I have traveled with my DS several times. I always take outlet covers, and some cupboard door locks....I've never used the door locks, just cleaned out the cabinets so that DS could play. We usually rearrange the furniture somewhat and I move lamps, etc. I could have used a VCR/TV cover at the last hotel, but I didn't have one so I covered the controls with a towel .

[AvalonDaughter]

I found this great article and with the discussion on this board about working moms I thought it would be helpful to all. I found it very interesting and something that I think about a lot with working vs. staying at home.

I hope you find it as useful as I did.

MoneyCentral: Cost of being a stay-at-home mom: $1 million
http://moneycentral.msn.com/article...asp?special=msn

I am trying to get at is that it is still the most undervalued job in our society. Not only that but there are not the tax breaks and 401 K retirment help that we deperately need.

I was looking for more thoughts along this line.
Thanks!

[ebaby]

hi gals!
Andrea sorry I could not post back sooner. THe travel stuff I go with is like what was mentioned above plus a few things cuz I can be a little neurotic: Plug covers, cupboard locks, 2 king size sheets(sometime the hotel will provide them and sometimes not) A small container of natural cleaner (with spray bottle) some junk rags, wide tape, (or lint remover tape roll), <to tidy up around the edges and cover the floor. Most hotels use some nasty carpet fresh/sanitizer and I want to keep that away from ds skin, so I use the sheets to cover the floor, the tape to pick up the really yucky stuff from the edges of the windows, bed and walls. I usually remove the stuff with cords off the desk and into the closet. ABSOLUTLEY make sure that the TV is stable on the table that it sits on!! TV's can be deadly. (falling onto babe)
You would be completely grossed out ot know some of the things I have found in "nice" hotels in the last year!!!
I know it sounds like work, but I also know my eyes aren't the ones on him all 24hrs, so 15 or 20 minutes can really put my mind at rest. If I think of anything else aI will come back and edit!!

K

[CollegeMama]

I'm going to bump this up again...

I just found this thread!
I would love to have a Working Mom's thread.

I work full-time, my husband works nights, so there's only 2 hours where we need a babysitter. My mother watches him 1/2 the time and an in-home daycare the other half. We found this woman through my MIL, who works at an elementary school right across the street from the babysitter's house. She holds DS almost the whole time for me and doesn't mind giving him expressed breast milk. I've heard that some daycares won't even handle breast milk, is that true? I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard if it is.

Anyway, glad to see I'm not there are so many AP working moms here.

Marcy

[Peppamint]

Re: I'm going to bump this up again...

Originally posted by marcy74
I just found this thread!
I would love to have a Working Mom's thread.

I work full-time, my husband works nights, so there's only 2 hours where we need a babysitter. My mother watches him 1/2 the time and an in-home daycare the other half. We found this woman through my MIL, who works at an elementary school right across the street from the babysitter's house. She holds DS almost the whole time for me and doesn't mind giving him expressed breast milk. I've heard that some daycares won't even handle breast milk, is that true? I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard if it is.

Anyway, glad to see I'm not there are so many AP working moms here.

Marcy

Marcy-

from what I hear, some daycares refuse to handle breast milk or cloth diapers.

Same thing to me... warm up bottle (whether it has formula or bm) and feed baby. Put diaper in dirty duds bag instead of garbage. No biggie.

It's just a matter of who is running the establishment and they own qualms with body fluids I think! I don't have experience with daycare (dd stays with my mom if she isn't with dh while I work) but that's just what I've heard from coworkers and online friends.

Michelle

[owen&mama]

I'm looking at a few centers now and it seems that most will take EBM for infants under a year. Once the baby is in the year-old room, no more EBM . Most won't take food from home either......geesh....

[Peppamint]

Originally posted by owen&mama
I'm looking at a few centers now and it seems that most will take EBM for infants under a year. Once the baby is in the year-old room, no more EBM . Most won't take food from home either......geesh....

I sure hope that means no Formula or anything other than whole milk? If not, that's discrimination! (what about kids with milk/soy allergies that really must have the ebm?)

[mingber]

Day care foods

My kids day care is great - for the most part. They give EBM, soy milk - whatever you bring in for the kids. The only foods they offer are snacks and they have a lunch menu you can buy from (sign up every month)(it's usually fast foods). I pack all my kids food and they get served what I send and eat it - YEAH! They also have a 'no sharing food policy'.
I'm not sure about the cloth diapering thing - I use disposables (my DH HATES cloth) so that was not an issue for me, but the center I use would probably do it if I wanted. It is a nationally located & certified center - called Rainbow Rascals - based out of Michigan. They are great. I do realize that each center is different, but they are all owned by the same man. See if there is one in your area.
One other thing they do is have PIC meetings monthly (parent involvement committee) - just like PTA - parents can go and discuss problems with the director regarding the center as well as teachers or classroom issues.

[Hannah's Mom]

I've been skimming through these posts and I wanted to introduce myself.

I have one dd who is almost 6 months. I work FT out of the home as an attorney for Legal Aid. My DH is a SAHD and works PT on weekends. He used to own his own business, but was working 6 long days/week, so we took a good look at our situation and decided to try this until dd was at least a year.

I really understand you other ladies who are lawyers (and other moms in similar careers). Law is truly not a family-friendly field. I have worked as a prosecutor and for 2 different law firms and can honestly say that this is the most family-friendly situation - at a cost. I make A LOT less than I did at the last law firm I was with, but the benefits (tangible and intangible) are much better. I get lots of paid leave, with really flexible, regular hours. My job really is a 40-hour-per-week job, as opposed to the firms where I was expected to be at the office at least one day each weekend and/or to work late every day. My job is the one with health insurance and 401(k). I also get a lot of assistance with my student loans through a state program and another program through my school bc I'm doing public interest law. And I get to love what I do now bc this is what I wanted to do when I first went to law school, but didn't feel I could afford to do it bc of student loans. I went to a "top-25" law school, which also demonstrated time and again how not family friendly it was and, when challenged, the dean essentially said that this was how it was in the real world and get used to it. As a result, a good friend who had a baby at the end of our first year ended up transferring to a much more family friendly school. The school wouldn't let her be a part-time student during the day, only during the evening program.

Jane, your situation with your boss sounds terrible. What is it about some people and micromanagement? In the past, one of my male bosses micromanaged everything we did and I resented it bc I felt like he hired me and my coworkers bc of our great professional qualifications and then totally forgot about them when making his rules.

Like a lot of the others, dd was a great sleeper while I was home on maternity leave from about 7 wks to about 12 wks (before that she'd wake as often as most newborns do). She'd sleep in our room in a bassinet pack&play from about 8 or 9pm until 4 or 5am and then I'd nurse her in bed and she'd stay there until we woke up at about 7 or 7:30. Then I went back to work and she's gotten up at least every 2 1/2 hours (usually more often) ever since. I also just take this as something she needs and we now cosleep full-time to allow me to get some sleep and retain my sanity.

About DH and the housework, etc... I can honestly say DH is so much better about this than I am. He has always been the one more likely to cook, even when we were both working FT. He is also much tidier than me (I like things to be CLEAN, but I'm not good with clutter and he is much better about making sure everything is in its place). He has actually been getting on me about making a mess. My problem is that when I am home with dd on the weekends, I feel that my time with her is so precious that I don't want to "waste" it by spending that time cleaning. Plus I know that if I was the one home more, I'd be the one expected to keep everything clean. The one thing that is unequal to me (although I'm not sure I'd have it any other way) is that when I'm home, I'm taking care of Hannah about 95% and DH almost gets annoyed if I ask him to even hold her while I go change out of my work clothes. Yet on the 2 days he works, he barely helps with her at all. Then he had the nerve to complain one time about having to work "every day" bc he takes care of Hannah all day 5 days a week and then he has to work on the weekends, too. I pointed out that is what I (and every mom, employed or unemployed) do also and that is what happens when you become a parent. Also, he has NEVER given her a bath. He helped me give her baths when she was a floppy newborn, but when I ask him to do it now from the cell phone as I begin my 40-minute commute home bc I'm feeling too tired to do it myself that night, he says, "but you enjoy that time with her so much." And he's serious and not even being sarcastic. So I end up doing it myself anyway. Even though he is a wonderful SAHD, I think both of us wish I could be the stay-at-home parent. Unfortunately, though, because of my student loans that will probably never happen.

Oh, someone asked something about pumping. I'm pumping at work and dd is EBF. Pumping has been going really well for us and dd has become somewhat of a "reverse cycler" so I usually pump more than I need and do not need to pump when I'm not at work at all. I frequent another message board devoted to working and pumping, though, and I would agree that you might need to add some pumping sessions while you are not at work to increase your supply. Also, I can attest that oatmeal really does help increase supply. I ate oatmeal one morning and pumped about 2 more ounces than normal at my first pumping session. This has happened every time I eat oatmeal now.

I am so glad someone started this thread and hope we can get our own forum, too.

[owen&mama]

I just wanted to toss in that my DH is a SAHD two days a week, and like Hannah's Mom's DH, he has always been the one more likely to stay on top of the cleaning & laundry (for safety's sake, I do the cooking ). However, also like Hannah's mom, we have the same "problem" when I am home. DS (Owen) is 99.9% my responsibility. I think that when Owen was 6 months, DH still hadn't given him a bath either. Honestly, I think he was afraid. Owen had become so active in the bath, but was still a bit of a baby and had to be supported much of the time, that DH was afraid he would let him drown. Now that Owen is over a year, it isn't as much of an issue, although I have to really call him to the carpet to get him to do it. Still, when I am home, I am responsible not only for Owen - feeding, bathing, playing - but also the cooking. In a way, I have decided (on my own) that it is okay, since I am away for the five days, but sometimes, when the help is only a fingertip away, it would be nice to have the help. Especially when the help is mindlessly surfing the web. So, I know what you mean.

Man, ebaby, you've made me really think about all the things I haven't been doing on travel. I've got my list now, though! We leave on Sunday.

[owen&mama]

Originally posted by busybusymomma


I sure hope that means no Formula or anything other than whole milk? If not, that's discrimination! (what about kids with milk/soy allergies that really must have the ebm?)

Yeah, sorry. The rule is no "bottles" for the one- to two- year room. When I explained that DS was still on EBM and that he took it out of a sippy cup, she said that we would have to "ask the director". So, I presume that this particular center might make an exception for a really insistent mom. They do make exceptions for allergies of course.

I do wish I could find a center that allowed outside food, like mingber. I like DS to eat organic and milk without the hormones/antibiotics....so far I haven't had any luck. We will probably not choose the center(s) for other reasons, but the food issue could be a big one for me.

And, gee, ebaby...you've given me a lot to think about on the travel.....My list is made though. We leave on Sunday!

[Greenfrogs]

One of the things I think is interesting reading through some of these posts is why is it that men are not taking on more of the household chore or helping more with the parenting. I find this particular frustrating and probably why I am divorcing my ex-h. There are a few SAHM that describe how their husbands see their (the SAHM) job as raising the kids and they share the chores. In most cases however, the SAHM is also the cook, the laundress, the maid and mom. For the WOHM, it appear that not only must she be good at her job she must also still be the cook, the laundress, the maid and mom.

Sorry for venting. Ignore if you wish.

[mingber]

Greenfrogs - I couldn't have said it better myself. My sentiments exactly!!

I don't understand it either. It's an ongoing problem in my house as well as many other WOHM I know.

Part of the problem is that men don't multitask as well as women. I know that is an excuse, but it's all I've got.

[Marlena]

I wish I could think Greenfrog's observation was due solely to a defect on the Y chromosome (then one could just learn to put up with it), but I'd bet a large sum of money that it's actually primarily societal. I hope everyone with sons is teaching them that they are expected to cook and clean and participate in childrearing as much as anyone else.

[Alenushka]

Seconf Shift

It is an excellent book on the subject. I can't spell the name of the professor who wrote it, Horshifeiled or something. She is from Berkeley.
I tahink talking and puting your foot down is very important. MY DH know that if he is home or comes home early, it is his job to pick the kids and start dinner. We can't have af formal 50/50 becuase we both have wierd shedules, but after many years of marriage we came to understanding who picks the slack when. becuase of his back injury he can't wash disehs after dinner, so he bathes the kids and gets them ready for bed. I ahve abed shoulder and can;t change out huge bed by myself, so we do it together. I refused to do his laundry many years ago because he never puts it back and this is how it is still is. We regularly go out by ourselves with our friends while the other partner stay sat home with the kids
Yes, I am the keeper of the family calendar and it irks me that Ihave to remind him eveything but we sit everyev ening together and dicuss our scheulde pick up kind of thing for the next day and it helps.
Whme I was younger I would do everything and then seeth with recentment. at one pint it got bad enought for mariatal counseling. Funny thing about man is that he he will not listen to his wife for free but will listne to the stranger if he pays the stranger $135/hr.
I do not see why man can't make dinner if it is his day off, or orginize the kids to do a quick pick up of things at home. We both like to websurf, so we take turns.
Talk, talk, tlak and make your expectations clear
The other thing, so many man like to complain that their wives lost their sex drive since they became mothers. I do not think that it is the motherhood to blame, it the housework. I actually did tell my husband ones 'If you want me to be the fearless tireless lover you came to love, you nee to help me during the day."
We also came to acspt that we do things differetenly. The way he sweeps is maybe not perfect in my eyes, but it good enoguht. and since my husband does not wash disehs, he does not complain about my techniecs!

All I can say, rea, talk, go to counseling. do not let a sink of dirty dishes land you in deep abyss of depression or messy pit of the divorce!
P.S I remind my husband that I alos work!

[owen&mama]

I think that it is true that much is societal or cultural, and to be fair, I will admit that I tend to "take over" when I am home. It is by nature (whether that is inborn or has been bred) that I am the primary caregiver (for both DS and DH) of the household. And again, I will say that my DH does 90% of the laundry and at least 75% of the cleaning, including dishes every night. I guess what I am saying is that we have assumed responsibilities that came naturally to us as individuals. It is only on really overwhelming days that it seems incongruent to me (and probably to him as well). We do talk about it, and we both agree that it isn't always a fair split - very often it is lopsided in some direction. If we are lucky and mindful, the lopsidedness goes to the person who can handle it best at the time.

And, yes, we do have very different caregiving styles. Mine is the best of course, but I have learned to keep my mouth shut!

[Marlena]

Re: Seconf Shift

Originally posted by Alenushka
I actually did tell my husband ones 'If you want me to be the fearless tireless lover you came to love, you nee to help me during the day."

You go!

[ebaby]

Hi to all of my kindred spirits! It is so nice to know that other ap mamas are out there working and trying to stay connected woth their babes & husbands.
Now a vent!!
Well, the gal that watches ds took her 4 mo in & he got vaxed today. (She only does some and on her own time line) but it puts me in a position I do not like. My ds is not vax'd nor will he ever be. I do not feel comfortable taking him to her tomorrow. I love this woman like a sister and have talked and talked to her about shots but obviously only with limited success.
I only work for a few hours tomorrow, and I kow dh had "tons of stuff to do" so it will work out OK not to tale him. I know she will think I am just a uptight mama... she has been so great about all the bfing at her house two and three times per day, flexible on ds schedule, open to all the ap stuff, snuggles my babe, educating projects, respects my food choices etc...
I guess I just wanted to say I am bummed out that she vaxed her babe anyway. I know not my choice and we agree to disagree on vaxs but I just think my ds will play at home tomorrow. Anybody else ever have this happen?
K

[mingber]

ebaby - I might have misunderstood your post, but do you think you are being hard on this day care provider just becuase she chose to vaxinate, that doesn't mean you have to. That is her choice on how she raises her child.
Are you saying that are uncomfortable bringing your child there becuase she vaxinated her child or you are uncomfortable becuase you are now afraid about illnesses? or is she going to say you have to vaxinate becuase she did and won't watch your child otherwise?

I have no choice but to vaxinate becuase of my day care situation - and I don't necessarily agree with it, but I found a day care situation that I love and that is the sacrifice I have made.