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Working Mothers - Page 2

post #21 of 222
12/17/02 at 12:37pm

WOHM / SAHD

I was quickly reading through the posts and noticed that there was another Mom out there with a hubby that stays home often with the kiddo.

I have a wonderfully flexible job and actually took my ds to work with me for a while (6 months or so), but once he got more vocal and squirmy we started looking into daycare options in the area. Once we finally found one that clicked, my husband lost his job. After the intial angst, my husband and I sat down and ripped our budget apart again. He wanted to stay home with Ryne. That was 3 months ago.

Although he is job hunting again, as we just fell into a new house, he is determined to work 2nd or 3rd shift so that he can still spend his day with Ryne.

Ask you hubby what he wants, you may be surprised and he might just want to stay home.
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post #22 of 222
12/17/02 at 12:54pm

Me, too!

I work FT. I'm (finally) ok with my 3.5 year old going to daycare 3 days /week, but it's hard to be away from my one year old. My husband works pt an evening shift, so we do the switch-a-roo like lots of you.

I do get resentful that he has more time with the kids, but it's what we've got to do. I make more $$$ so it just makes sense. Luckily, the baby was able to come to work with me until she was about 6 mos and now dh brings her here to nurse 1 or 2/day. We, too are struggling with the "where to live" question. Right now, we live very close, but it's very expensive. We're thinking about moving this summer--to someplace less expensive, but farther away--so no more day nursing. Any insights about the tradeoffs?

On the daycare question...it is so hard. We have a wonderful, wonderful place for Mac. It's one woman in her home with 4 toddlers. She feeds them veggie organic foods, no TV, outside everyday, crafts, lots of imaginative play, etc.... We absolutely couldn't ask for anything more--and it's still hard to drive away from there. That's just what being a mother is about, I think.

I think it's so very important to find a place/person you feel comfortable with. There was a short time when I didn't like the care situation for Mac and it made it all sooooo much worse! I figured that if I didn't like it, he probably didn't like it--so got him out ASAP! We were all much better off. It really is a matter of respecting yourself and your instincts about what's right for your child and your family!

Working...I do feel guilty sometimes. But, my children need food and clothing, etc. and I'm best equipped to provide that for them. I'm also teh best equipped to provide breastmilk and nurturing (my dh might take exception to that but I do beleive it). I try to beleive that I'm fortunate to have so many capabilities!!! I juggle them all as best I can and know that my children are cared for in many ways.
post #23 of 222
12/17/02 at 1:05pm
I love being the working parent! My ds is now 6 and goes to kindergarten full-time so full-time daycare is not an issue right now, or at least till summer. But I am due in April with #2 and my Dp will stay home with it (not sure if boy or girl) He did the daycare last summer for my ds and saved tons of money!

I am trying to get him to back to school for the next four years, cause then we would not have to worry about summer care. With three kids (my ds, his dd (who he just got custody of), and the new one) day care a week is almost $500. I told him unless he got a great job, that pays more than that after taxes, it doesn't make sense to work full time, just get seasonal work for winter or go to school.

I think he likes the fact of me telling him not to work, but we also do not watch TV in my house, we have one to watch movies on if kids are good, but no TV watching. i love it though it makes him take the kids out and about, and he normally takes the school release days off to take the kids to the zoo, library, coffee houses. We also found a stay at home dads gathering, but he was to shy to talk to them.

We'll see in April hoe things pan out. DP is working 3/4 time now to save for the new baby, and if for some reason he keeps this job I know I can bring baby onto work for the first 6-9 months. There is only four of us in the office/company. But I can't think of leaving it with some one I do not know!!

With my ds I stayed home for a year, went to school and my mom brought him every day to nurse at lunch, and then when I worked days my sister worked nights, and we nursed each others kids. Now she lives three hours away, and my mom is to craby because she takes care of my yonger sis's kids (who doesn't work, doesn't attend school, and thinks my mom is so unfair to charge her rent) Ok sorry for the long vent.

I love reading others stories. Shows I am not the only one out there who works, and not nessesarly does it because we have to, but some us do enjoy the time away.
post #24 of 222
12/17/02 at 3:40pm

Me too!

I'm working/doing grad school about 30 hours a week. I was in the middle of my program when I got pg and cannot drop out/take time out at this point. I do love the work that I do--but would also love to be a SAHM. The guilt is just awful! I feel so torn and am always trying to give DD as much of a SAHM experience as I possibly can.

I actually have an exceptionally good situation. My MIL does childcare for DD and two other boys who are close to her age. DD loves the two boys---all of their faces light up when she arrives. My major challenge is difficult communication with MIL, who doesn't speak English. My Chinese isn't great. But I'm thrilled that DD is being raised bilingual... I don't always agree with MIL and her approaches to discipline etc... but she adores DD and generally seems to be very good with the children. But I so want to be home with DD...

I too would love a board for WOHM's! Unfortunately have to get back to work. More later! Thanks for starting this thread.
post #25 of 222
12/17/02 at 3:55pm
Right now, I'm a full-time law student. I had dd the first day of my second year (3 year program) and kept going at a 60% courseload, worked full-time this past summer, and am back up to 100% courses again. This has been the hardest semester so far in terms of workload, and I'm so glad it's almost over! (One more exam and one paper to go! Woohoo!)

Dh has stayed home with dd from the start: I'm so blessed in that way. He was laid off when I was 9 mos pg, and decided to take a parental leave. If you qualify for employment insurance in Canada, dads can take it for the full 12 months if mom doesn't qualify, or else mom and dad can share it. I didn't qualify for a paid mat leave, as a student, so he still got cheques for a year, caring for babelet! Fairly early on, we had an epiphany and realized how much better we would both feel (and babelet too) if we just continued to prioritize dh being in the home while she was young, even after the benefits ran out. He's great at it, and I can see how much she gets out of it.

When I was pg, we looked at some daycares and I had her waitlisted at the ones I liked (I was only about 4 mos pg, but I was thinking ahead!). They were all group care spots, and now I actually think that if I were to need full-time daycare, I would prefer more of a 'home' situation, where she can be baking, going to the library and the grocery store. She really loves being out and about, so I don't think just being in the 'baby room' or the 'toddler room' all day in group care would suit her. Originally I had not even considered a home daycare, having experienced the really lousy one that my younger step-daughter's mom stuck her in (sedentary care provider who rarely got out of her lazyboy in front of a giant tv, hot dogs and grilled cheese all round, and one kid she hated who spent every day in the playpen: no wonder I thought home daycares were horrible! ) If we ever do part-time care, I would consider a group atmosphere though, because she's also very social.

So far as a student I've been lucky since I've been able to spend lots of time with dd, be home daytimes sometimes etc. Next September, I start 'real' work full-time, and we're moving to a new city, so I'm very apprehensive. I hope I still get to spend time with my beautiful girl! What do you working mommies do to spend time with your little ones?

Sorry for the length...
post #26 of 222
12/17/02 at 5:22pm
Me too!
I did everything I could to keep dd with me the first year of her life, including bringing her to work with me and running a small home childcare. Now I work part-time while she stays at her grandma's. Grandma also takes care of a couple of other kids. We only have to pay 30 bucks a week for 20 hours, then I work 8 hours on Sat and dd stays w/DH.
I have a suggestion for you concerning childcare. In my opinion in home care can be the best. If you find a good mom your baby will get one on one care, especially the nice grandmotherly types. They will also remember to carry out your requests. You may want to look for a home daycare with a small number of children.
post #27 of 222
12/17/02 at 9:09pm
I think a WOHM would be a great thing to have...any issues that come up could go in there!!!

post #28 of 222
12/17/02 at 9:21pm
Ok, I just posted a message on the Questions and Suggestions board and posted a link to this thread.

Let's see what happens!
post #29 of 222
12/17/02 at 9:21pm

Will be WOHM & SAHD too

As it is this is really the only way that makes sense for us. The amount of money I can bring home in 30 hours a week while still keeping my benefits is far greater than anything my DH could earn full time if I stayed home. Hopefully I will only have to work 3 days a week, which will be great. Dh has always been the more domesticly oriented of us. He cooks, cleans, laundry, you name it. Of course when dd is here and I work less, I hope to share the responsibilites as evenly as possible.

We don't want our child to have to go to day care for at least the first year of her life and DH seems to think this is a fine arrangment. When dd gets to be 1 or 2 years old perhaps DH will go back to school and use the daycare there. My mother has also offered to quit her part time job and take care of dd. I hate to see her do that, because she loves her job, but I can tell she wouldn't miss it too much (she's so thrilled to be a grandmother, which was something she never even told me she wanted to be). I'm so grateful to have such supportive people in my family
post #30 of 222
12/18/02 at 5:27am
Someone else beat you to the request and as I told her - start a thread and prove it's need by keeping it active on the forum. The thread has been started. So keep it active!
post #31 of 222
12/18/02 at 5:33am
Where is the forum??? I can't find it, or am I blind???:
post #32 of 222
12/18/02 at 5:37am
Cynthia means keep this thread active on this forum, I think, and we may get our own forum. That's how I understood it.
post #33 of 222
12/18/02 at 5:38am
oh
post #34 of 222
12/18/02 at 12:13pm
so THIS is where all the WOHM-SAHDs are. WOW.

i have been lurking since before my now 5 month old was born (on and off). i will go do a proper introduction in a few minutes but wanted to say hello since this is a topic near and dear to my heart.

i work full time outside the home. i went back to work when the baby was 11 weeks old (i am a pumping machine and generally get as much pride out of 8 ounces). i don't consider us AP parents necessarily but we do what's right for our baby - much of which happens to fit that philosophy.

my husband was laid off when i got pregnant. he looked for work for a while and then took consulting gigs. about 2 months before dd arrived, he stopped looking because we looked at finances, emotional abilities, and our individual strengths and weaknesses and determined that i would stay at work and he would stay at home. he is now home with her all day. starting 1/11, he will be teaching classes at night.

i am a BIG proponent of flexibility in determining parenting roles and if one person is going to be the primary caregiver, that it be determined by each's abilities.

i will probably post a bit more now. just wanted to jump in on this because i was so pleased to see other moms in my situation. it has been tough - with the ideas we have, many moms tell me i can't work and parent the way i want to, and everyone else assumes that dads can't be wonderful AP child raising geniuses...

thank you so much for starting this!!!
post #35 of 222
12/18/02 at 12:46pm
I work FT--I would love to be able to work PT!

I pump at work and actually read Mothering while I do--it helps me transition to thinking about parenting!
post #36 of 222
12/18/02 at 2:13pm
So after my maternity leave, dh will be staying home with both kids all day. I know he is prone to laziness when at home (geesh, so am I) and I want to help him make the transition from working full time to sah full time a good one--

Anyone want to talk about how their dh's handled this and share ideas for fun things with toddlers and newborns. Also, how do I bring up the topic of "now-that-you-are-home-full-time-can-you-keep-the-house-clean"
post #37 of 222
12/18/02 at 2:47pm
HI

I aven't read all the posts because I too am at work and I need to get to it. Good Grief, the guilt! It is terrible. What is worse is that I feel guilty for being tired and needing a little time for myself. GO figure, I give 24/7 and I feel bad if I need to take a 30 minute break.....
And the daycare costs are skyhigh around here. We pay $950 a month, but the big daycare centers charge $1500! Of course they have to live here too, but it is depressing. ANd the guilt that I just don't see myself as a SAHM. I don't think I actually can do. Or what if I lose my patience, I lose sleep over it, becuase I should be more patient when I am with DD.
I don't feel too guilty when I drop DD off, becuase she is greeted with hugs and kisses and doesn't even look back at me. SHe runs inside and is ready to play! Happy to see me at the end of the day, so that makes me happy too. It's not as if she would rather live at the daycare (I don't think so anyway)
OK, work

The only negative of a working mothers board would be that it would be another board that I would read while not working...
post #38 of 222
12/18/02 at 3:01pm
Quote:
Originally posted by indiegirl
Also, how do I bring up the topic of "now-that-you-are-home-full-time-can-you-keep-the-house-clean"
For me I said just that. You are home full time so you need to help out more, a lot more! A month went by and nothing changed, so we sat down and had a talk about how unfair it is that I work full time and pay all the bills, and feed everyone, and....

So after two weeks and still nothing got done, I went on strike! I didn't cook, I didn't clean, I didn't give spending money for their outings, Nothing! That lasted three days and I came home to a cleaner house than ever! Now all I do is cook, because DP has no clue how.

But he works part-time till baby comes, our other kids are in school full time till summer, and we sit and talk on how hard it is going to be for him to clean and care for a newborn. And I just reasure him that if a mom can do it so can he. We have also found two stay at home dad groups, and have been looking up play groups for him to check out!
post #39 of 222
12/18/02 at 4:50pm
Well, my dh isn't home full-time, but we usually work opposite shifts, so he's often home when I'm not.

If I tell him he "should" clean, then he gets really upset about that.

But if I approach it as, "I really need your help keeping things clean....." then he's much more willing to accept that and actually do things!

I also have to ask for specifics, "Could you please vacuum today while I'm gone? That would really help me out."

And things don't get done as much as either of us would like. Oh well.
post #40 of 222
12/18/02 at 6:13pm
I ask for specifics too. I have a long commute and take the baby as soon as I get home so he gets time to do stuff alone. I think it's only fair. If I were staying at home, I would make sure the baby didn't crawl through filth, he should too...

I also try and phrase it in the best interest of the baby and really only focus on the things that directly effect her. Like. "Now that she's nearly crawling, we've got to make sure we're getting all the cat hair up off the rugs and out of the corners." and "Gee, that tower of magazines is sure to fall on her head once she can pull herself up to the table..."

Passive I guess, but it works better than saying "I wish you would clean better..."