Attachment Parenting is on its way out

[annettemarie]

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au...E23289,00.html

Bestselling Australian author Robin Barker believes the popularity of Ford's books shows the pendulum has swung away from the natural or instinctive attachment parenting theories of the 1970s. "Yes, definitely, there is a swing back to the first half of the century, where routine was huge."

[UnschoolnMa]

Ughh. The positive side of me says: Not if we can help it! And we can (and are) by raising our kids this way and hopefully affecting the next generation for the better.

The more negative side says:
It is kinda sad/discouraging though. Sigh...

[meemee]

oh what a shame. i havent read the article yet but i wonder if it is because of both parents working, and so u have to maintian a routine to be out the door at a certain time.

[ebethmom]

I think those rigid "I'll tell you exactly how you should do it" parenting books appeal to people who are looking for a pat answer. Do it *this* way, and parenting will fall into place for you.

AP parenting has so much more gray to it! If one thing doesn't work for you, then try it this way. Or one thing works for awhile, then your child moves into a different phase and you have to find another creative solution.

Here's a small bit of encouragement. In the October edition of Parents, there is a one-page article on Time-Ins. It's all about supportive discipline!!

[kbridi]

It doesn't seem to be the 'in' thing around me. Most moms I meet at the playground, playgroups, music class, etc., aren't into AP. They let thier babies CIO, keep thier babies in containers at the park and are just plain old rude and mean to their kids.

So, this is no shock to me. I just don't understand how people can read a book that goes against every instinct you have, and then follow it.

I sometimes wish there wasn't as much info. out there. Then, people would have to rely on their gut. We'd all be much better off if we just did what was natural once in a while, rather than what some 'expert' tells us.

[lauraess]

It is only a rare breed that can handle the life-style of attatchment parenting. my understanding of why AP is so foreign to most is because our society is steeped in the the very human coping mechanism of CONTROL.
CONTROL,FEAR, AND CLOSED-MINDEDNESS= Rigid scheduling and One-size-fits-all- child-rearing.

Dont worry mamas~Our children will prevail and pass it on

[mama_kass]

Quote from article:
Sleep is also a common cause of stress for families. According to the journal Pediatrics , 36 to 46 per cent of Australian parents still report a problem with their infant's sleep in the second six months of life (1989;84:756-760).

What is a problem with sleeping? Maybe the problem is that parents need to better educated on what normal sleep is for an infant over 6 months.

[veggiemomma]

Originally Posted by kbridi

It doesn't seem to be the 'in' thing around me. Most moms I meet at the playground, playgroups, music class, etc., aren't into AP. They let thier babies CIO, keep thier babies in containers at the park and are just plain old rude and mean to their kids.

So, this is no shock to me. I just don't understand how people can read a book that goes against every instinct you have, and then follow it.

I sometimes wish there wasn't as much info. out there. Then, people would have to rely on their gut. We'd all be much better off if we just did what was natural once in a while, rather than what some 'expert' tells us.

Well said, kbridi. But I think mostly the problem is that people don;t have any parenting instincts. So they consult books, talk to their friends or their pediatricians, most of whom are recommending time-outs, CIO, etc. People see AP as being "too soft", as if we need to raise our kids like they are in the marine corp.

[Neldavi]

Originally Posted by veggiemomma

But I think mostly the problem is that people don;t have any parenting instincts. .

Maybe, but why not? Maybe people would develop instincts more easily if they just never heard advice from "experts".

That said, I read tons of AP advice when I was pregnant and am probably a better parent because of it, maybe not, but probably. Just my biases I guess.

[Finch]

Originally Posted by lauraess

It is only a rare breed that can handle the life-style of attatchment parenting. my understanding of why AP is so foreign to most is because our society is steeped in the the very human coping mechanism of CONTROL.
CONTROL,FEAR, AND CLOSED-MINDEDNESS= Rigid scheduling and One-size-fits-all- child-rearing.

Dont worry mamas~Our children will prevail and pass it on

Exactly. It's all a control thing. Bleah. My mother is a control freak. She wears it proudly like a badge of honor. Well how lovely for her. Being the mother of a high needs child and following AP practices has helped me to let go of a lot of my control issues. I just don't get why people are so hellbent on CONTROLLING their children so rigidly. Geez, just let them be!!

This quote from the end of the article irked me:

Robin Barker is determined to remain firmly out of either camp on the controlled crying issue and declares she is on no mission to convert parents, unlike some theorists.

She says it's possible that controlled crying could have unintended negative consequences, but there is no really strong evidence to back this theory up. "There could also be times when continued sleep deprivation can have unintended negative consequences."

She argues that every baby and parent reacts differently, so advice needs to be flexible rather than rigid in one direction or the other.

UM, HELLO, WHAT ABOUT THE INFAMOUS HARVARD STUDY???!!!

[Attila the Honey]

Originally Posted by kbridi

It doesn't seem to be the 'in' thing around me. Most moms I meet at the playground, playgroups, music class, etc., aren't into AP. They let thier babies CIO, keep thier babies in containers at the park and are just plain old rude and mean to their kids.

So, this is no shock to me. I just don't understand how people can read a book that goes against every instinct you have, and then follow it.

That was my reaction - when/where is it "IN"? It's by no means the norm from what I've seen.

[mum2sarah]

I just don't understand how people can read a book that goes against every instinct you have, and then follow it.

Originally Posted by veggiemomma

Well said, kbridi. But I think mostly the problem is that people don;t have any parenting instincts. So they consult books, talk to their friends or their pediatricians, most of whom are recommending time-outs, CIO, etc. People see AP as being "too soft", as if we need to raise our kids like they are in the marine corp.

I don't think it's as simple either going against instincts or having no instincts. I think that the learned behavior models of parenting that most people experience from a very early age and see all around them in society are soooo ingrained that those models actually feel like "instincts" because they are knee-jerk reactions. Before I had kids, I actually felt a lot of the AP stuff I read went against my instincts. My first reaction to cosleeping, for instance, was that I couldn't believe people would do that--that they must be sleep deprived martyrs who were such softies that they couldn't hadle the "necessary" few minutes of CIO to train their babies to sleep. In fact I thought they were being irresponsible for not "teaching" their babies how to sleep on their own and that their babies would be "too dependent" on their mommies. After all, the idea that the mom should have to be the one to nurse all night seemed unfair and sexist to me. Honestly, that was my deepest initial impression of the family bed--it truly seemed counter intuitive. LOL! It's funny to think about now that we've been in a family bed for 3 1/2 years and are parenting completely the opposite of how I once thought I'd parent...

Anyway, I guess my point is that I can't really blame people for believing the mainstream parenting advice they read. If they were raised similarly, I'm sure it feels "right" to them, or at least comfortingly familiar. In fact, even if all the mainstream parenting books disappeared off the face of the earth today, I'm sure it would take many generations for parenting to get back to a more natural paradigm. Two things I try to do to combat the ingrained myths about AP is to be quiet but visible with my AP practices (ie. NIP, carry baby everywhere in a sling, talk about bedsharing if it comes up), and also not complain about anything AP unless it's to another AP person but rather only focus on the positives of any particular AP practice to anyone non-AP, even if I'm going through a negative time (ie. like now when I'm really wanting my eldest to wean--I only share that with others that I know understand where I'm coming from and don't think I'm a freak for nursing a 3 1/2 year old).

[maemaesmama]

FROM ARTICLE:
She argues that every baby and parent reacts differently, so advice needs to be flexible rather than rigid in one direction or the other. "If people put more time and effort into spending more time with their kids and keeping their marriages afloat and keeping home life angst-free rather than worrying about sleep, we would all be better off."

YES YES YES! I am a strong advocate of AP. However after having three children I have found that while what worked for one, has not worked for another of my babes. I have nursed each for over 2 yrs,a nd coslept most of the night. We don't spank, or disrespect any of our children. BUT my parenting style has varied depending on the age, and needs of my children. For instance I have a 4 yr old who does not respond to gentle discipline. She is very strong willed, and her desire to do what ever it is that she wants to do is stroger than her self discipine. Such as leaving the house when ever I turn my back, or hitting my 2yr old. I have gone round & round with trying to be very gentle only to end up doing timeouts or yelling which I never have to do with my other 2. For me what ius most importnat is this MAINTAINING A BALANCE IN THE FAMILY I provide love, and nurturing 24-7 & I always will no matter if we are doiung it perfect one way or the other. I like this lady She's right on!

[Vermillion]

Originally Posted by Attila the Honey

That was my reaction - when/where is it "IN"? It's by no means the norm from what I've seen.

That was my first thought as well. On its way out? When was it in?!

Anyway, parenting trends like this always irritate me. Like, being respectful and gentle with your kids is just a hip fad that can be tossed out as fast as last season’s colors! Oh, AP is so last year, treating your kids like dogs is now all the rage!

Yuck!

[Vermillion]

Originally Posted by sarahverlinda

Maybe people would develop instincts more easily if they just never heard advice from "experts".

I agree. I am also pretty sure that the majority of parents DO have instincts when it comes to raising their kids. That shows whenever I hear a mother talking about how much she hates listening to her baby cry it out, but it’s for his or her own good, so it has to be done If she didn't have instincts, it wouldn't bother her a bit to hear her baby cry out for mama.

Having kids is a scary thing! It’s a huge thing to be responsible for shaping another human being. Unfortunately, thanks to all the “experts” parents are so worried that if they screw up they are going to ruin their kids for life! Most of them just aren’t willing to ignore the expert advice and just follow their hearts, and the advice out there is not “AP” friendly.

[fly-mom]

I wonder about instinct a lot. Often I really wonder if it's instinctive to parent the way you were parented or the way the majority of society parents? Hmm. Just thinking out loud.

[Leilalu]

Originally Posted by mama_kass

Quote from article:
Sleep is also a common cause of stress for families. According to the journal Pediatrics , 36 to 46 per cent of Australian parents still report a problem with their infant's sleep in the second six months of life (1989;84:756-760).

What is a problem with sleeping? Maybe the problem is that parents need to better educated on what normal sleep is for an infant over 6 months.

maybe they should try co-sleeping:

[Leilalu]

Originally Posted by maemaesmama

FROM ARTICLE:
She argues that every baby and parent reacts differently, so advice needs to be flexible rather than rigid in one direction or the other. "If people put more time and effort into spending more time with their kids and keeping their marriages afloat and keeping home life angst-free rather than worrying about sleep, we would all be better off."

YES YES YES! I am a strong advocate of AP. However after having three children I have found that while what worked for one, has not worked for another of my babes. I have nursed each for over 2 yrs,a nd coslept most of the night. We don't spank, or disrespect any of our children. BUT my parenting style has varied depending on the age, and needs of my children. For instance I have a 4 yr old who does not respond to gentle discipline. She is very strong willed, and her desire to do what ever it is that she wants to do is stroger than her self discipine. Such as leaving the house when ever I turn my back, or hitting my 2yr old. I have gone round & round with trying to be very gentle only to end up doing timeouts or yelling which I never have to do with my other 2. For me what ius most importnat is this MAINTAINING A BALANCE IN THE FAMILY I provide love, and nurturing 24-7 & I always will no matter if we are doiung it perfect one way or the other. I like this lady She's right on!

I'm sorry.....but are you justifying yelling at your 4 year old?Because if so, that is not cool. I too have a very strong-willed child. I callher"spirited" If I yell, which I don't very often,but I am not perfect-She acts wild. So IMO, I don't see how yelling finds a balance.From having a mother who yells at everyone I can tell you that yelling is not nurturing.Please explain your post a little more, I am at a loss I guess as to what you are trying to say.

[lauraess]

I think all that MaeMae is essentially trying to say is that flexiblilty with parenting and in a functioning balanced family is more important than listening to the 'experts' and their sometimes rigid views. I could be wrong, sorry maemae if I am.
I understand and I'm seeing that Maemae does as well that we firmly believe in GD however unfortunately it may not seem to work in each and every situation. How many varying types of children and behavior and situations are there? so many that it's understandable a mom may find yelling is the only thing her child 'hears'.

[cottonwood]

In this society we have routinely separated mothers from their babies from the moment of birth. It starts early.

"I wonder about instinct a lot. Often I really wonder if it's instinctive to parent the way you were parented or the way the majority of society parents?"

I define instinct as a feeling of being compelled to act in a certain way that has its basis in our genetic wiring and is triggered by certain chemical processes, rather than that which is mentally conditioned from outside sources.

I had *zero* instinct for taking care of an infant before I gave birth, but after that it kicked in to more or less extent with each one, depending on how much physical contact with them I had and how closely I was able to focus on my babies in the minutes, hours, and weeks after their births. I began as a very non-emotional, non-kid-friendly person, so when the change came the cause and effect of it was very obvious to me.