Don't know what to do . . .

[bucaye]

This morning my dh told me he doesn't want to hear about or deal with this pregnancy any more. He just wants the baby to get here so he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. He even told me he would rather have me get a C-section to get it over with. He is afraid of me dying in the middle of labor.

How am I supposed to get emtional and physical support during labor if he is acting like this? Ladies, I have been crying all morning about it. I had a very hard labor last time because of his detachment from the pregnancy. He was not a happy camper because I was sick and he was under a lot of stess. He doesn't deal well with stress. And on top of it all, this baby was a surprise. So that doesn't help either.

He said he would read his book (husband coached childbirth) and the dad part in birthing from within, but that's it. HOw am I going to get thorugh this labor?? I leaned a lot on my doula last time, I guess I'll have to let her know it's basiclly her and me this time. Dh and my mom will be at the birth, but I don't know how involved dh will be. He even told me he wasn't much help last time. I thought he was . . .

These next few months are really when I will need him for supprot and love, and I just don't know if I'm going to get any of it . . . I love to feel the baby move, and when I want dh to feel, he kinda sighs and deals with it. He places his hand on my belly for a bit and then goes back to what he was doing. I guess he doesn't like me being preggo because "I'm obsessed with it" as he says. How could you not be? I'm growing a new life inside of me.

I guess he is just scared and doesn't know what to do. He is more worried about me during labor. I can't talk to him about it because he will get upset and then more angry and detach further. I'm stuck . . .

I'm sorry this is such a downer, but I can't talk to anyone else. Thanks for listneing . . .

[PicnicBear]

I'm sorry -- that's quite a disapointment. I guess he really has some "issues" about this. I'm glad you have your doula and family -- it sounds like you should lean on them as much as possible to get the support that you deserve.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I hear your frustration that you and your partner are not on the same page regarding your fears and frustrations. He probably feels jealous of the pregnancy taking your emotional energy; and you feel frustrated that he isn't as into it as you are, as it's a symbol to you of your shared love? Dealing with an unplanned pregnancy can also be stressful.

People really respond to pregnancy differently. It's based on personal history, family history, how the couple works together on other issues. I myself am not very sentimental or romantic about pregnancy, based on my family history (i.e lots and lots of babies and miscarriages). I don't really think about my pregnancy - unless my belly gets in the way of bending over to tie my shoes, ha - but I very much look forward to the baby himself, and I think I'm a very good AP mama. I also had lots of problems in my first pregnancy, so to NOT have problems is a great relief. The pregnancy is just something to GET through.

My husband also hates the Husband-coached childbirth and all that, and he is as sweet as they come. He feels like it's not really his job or right to tell me what's going on during birth and it bothers him deeply to think of doing so. That's why we're getting a doula. I had a horrible birth the first time around too (no doula), and all I needed from him was someone to hug and love me and get me ice cream or little debbies or whatever... I want a professional labor assistant as far as the birth process and knowing what to do next. He also rarely feels my stomach (and I don't unless I am feeling some discomfort, either). I am somewhat wondering if that's a hollywood fiction...

I think the underlying issue of being scared of death in birth is a huge one. I feel it myself sometimes. You're both scared of the birth, it sounds like, but have very different ways of expressing it. Maybe just a selection from one of your books on this fear? He may be so caught up in fear that he's afraid to be open to the positive feelings going on? I think some very open conversations with each other where you hear each other's feelings and don't try to correct each other might be helpful?

[bucaye]

The biggest problem is he doesn't want to talk at all about the pregnancy/upcoming birth. He has told me he doesn't want to talk or deal with this pregnancy. When I inadvertantly start to talk about birth or labor, he shuts down and asks me not to talk about it. Like I said, he told me he will read the books, but he also said he might be that helpful during the birth.

I will have to rely heavily on my doula. My labor nurse and doula were SO supportive with my last birth. I just hope it will be the same with this birth. I just need love and support from everyone I can get.

I guess I can hope he might have a trun around when I get closer to my due date. I have 2 1/2 months to go . . . I just hope I can hold up . . .

[beachbaby]

I don't know how much advice I can offer, but didn't want to read without responding.

it's hard--fear can manifest itself in lots of different ways and people deal with it very differently. I know when I've been feeling that disconnectedness about my pregnancy from DH that when we finally do talk about it, the real issues become clear. and most of the time it's related to fear (of complications during birthing; our relationship changing; the unknown).

Again, . Your fellow mamas are here to listen.

[Gunter]

Would it be at all helpful to have the doula or MW talk with you both together about fears, concerns, connecting, etc? Like, during your next prenatal or something? Sounds like having a mediator or outside person might help.

Would watching a video about birth help him?

Are there any other dads he can chat with about birth, labor, being supportive, connecting, etc? My DH says that has helped him.

Sometimes guys get a raw deal b/c they are so discouraged all through life about being a part of birth. It can suck for those who want to connect but have been socialized to stay distant and frame it all as "women's stuff". I do wish you the best and feel for you all!

[BodoGirl]

I'm so sorry. I'm not even sure what to say, but wanted you to know that we're all here for you...

I'm lucky because my DH is going with the flow. But, when it comes to the hospital and 'how he views authority figures like a doctor or nurse', he'll cowtow (is that a word?) to them. Not that he's a wimp, but he was always taught that theywent to school so they must know best.

I know I'm destined for a hospital birth because of my twins and my elevated risk due to my blood clotting problem.

But, you momma, be strong and know what cards you are dealt with. At least your DH is wiling to read those books. I gave them to my DH to read and he skims them. He just isn't much of a reader because he falls asleep....

Good luck!

[zjande]

Jeez, I don't have any advice but I didn't want to read & not respond. I found your post really sad! I'm truly sorry that you are dealing with this, I would cry all day, too. I am also completely obsessed with this pregnancy, it's a magical time! Don't feel weird or guilty for being "obsessed". How sad that your dh isn't there for you. I hope his mind changes.... I wish I could offer more than my sorrow & understanding at your feelings. We're here for you, WE'RE as excited as you are!

[tryingitnatural]

I am sorry. I don't have any advise either :-( just wanted to say I wish you the best of luck and I hope that he changes his attitude if not is it possible to not have him present for the birth? I know it sounds very harsh but maybe the negative energy will only hinder you birthing. I hope I don't get slack for that comment but I told my husband that if he does not help me do thing that way I want he can forget about being in the room with me. And maybe telling him that will change his mind a little. It did my husband. See my husband just doesn't understand why I don't want any medical intervention eventhough I have explained it to him numerous times. Anyway I am rambling and really all i wanted to say was best of luck!!!!

[gingerstar]

I really feel for you. If you can find it, pick up this month's Mothering mag - or maybe it is on the website, I don't know - but there is an article about pregnancy in which the author mentions an expectant couple who were in with the midwife at 36 weeks and the husband reveals that he is afraid, if his wife (who he views as strong and dependable) becomes vulnerable and dependent on him during labor he is afraid of "failing her". So they discuss how labor can go, and they make a deal, where she says to him "I am not afraid, and I want to fully experience this. I only need your presence, your love, and for you to not freak out!" So they laughed and agreed, and during her labor, which was noisy and earthy, he kept his part of the deal and all went well - but they said if they had not had that talk, when she began moaning and wailing, he would have freaked out because "this is not how my wife is", and she would have felt she had to pull herself together, etc, things would not have gone well.
Anyway, long post just to agree with those who have said, each of us deals with our fear differently, and birth is such a big unknown, even when it is not our first time, and it sounds like he is coping by not facing it. Perhaps if you can get him to meet with your doula or MW, if you can let him know all you need is his love and support, perhaps the two of you can sort this out.
In a way I can really relate to where you are - my DH has to go help with relief efforts for Katrina, and I do not know if he will be here when I go into labor. I will have my mom, and I am looking at getting a doula, but I got mad at DH last night and shouted and said "Fine! Go! I will just do this myself! Come home at Christmas!" So I can relate to your loneliness and sorrow that I hear in your post.
Sorry so long.

[MelW]

This must be so hard for you.

How is your husband feeling about the baby (beyond the pregnancy and birth)? I know some people feel a lot more focussed on the "end result", rather than the "process" of pregnancy and birth, especially dads because they don't experience in the same constant way that we do.

I was just reading some old articles in a file today, and came across "Birthing Fathers" by Richard Reed from a 1996 Mothering Magazine, which talks about different roles of fathers in labour. He writes about the role of "coach" for fathers in birth, and how it doesn't work for many men in many situations:

"Although men are profoundly moved by birth and feel a new closenesss to their children and partners, many men feel helpless in the face of their wife's labour, unnecessary and redundant in the face of medical staff and technology"

"The roles that have been created for us as directors and protectors are gratifying, but they are extremely difficult to fill. Never having experienced birth myself, I found it difficult to help my wife with her excitement, pain and fear. The task was even harder in a hospital. I found myself alone against the medical establishment..."

"...men's role as birth coaches often supersedes our role as new fathers. Focused on the exeperiences of our partners, men do not have the time, energy, or attention to devote to our own birth experience."

It sounds like your husband is totally afraid of the coach roles in pregnancy and birth, and doesn't know how to support you. I wonder what kind of role he would like to have- he may be one of the men who yearns for the "good old days" of dads to be in the waiting room, smoking. Maybe there is some kind of compromise- where you feel he is more involved but he is not afraid of the responsibility??

Good for you for getting the doula for the support you need in labour that he isn't able to give. I hope that you can find a way to talk with him about it, and find a solution that works for you. Good luck and lots of s

[Slackermom]

You've had a lot of great advice here, but I wanted to add some s:

I'm so sorry your DH feels that way. I think his fears are pretty normal. I've known a lot of fathers-to-be that kind of freak out in the last trimester -- men have a lot of weird notions about being a breadwinner, caring for a baby and a partner. It's all very outdated, but that's how many men are still socialized, and the impending responsibility freaks them out.

As other pps have said, men are also more disconected from the whole pregnancy experience. Even with the baby moving and you visibly pg, it's still hard for some men to connect with something they can't feel or experience.

My DH was pretty supportive during my pgs, but something that helped him was to talk to his friends who had recently gone through it. They had a party -- sort of like a male shower, really -- and talked about their experiences. His friends are a good bunch, really, and are willing to be quite honest with each other about their feelings about the birth, their partners, the pg, and the baby.

[gonnabeamom]

First off



What a tough spot to be in.

Second off, I found myself wondering a couple of things when I was reading your post, that weren't my usual thoughts on the subject, and so I thought I'd run them by you and see if they were helpful. (My usual thoughts run something like, all men should want to be there and if they aren't they are jackasses) But I did wonder if he was incapable of being supportive during the birth, and how you would feel about just not having him there, but instead relying on Doula, midwives, female friend? Not because you don't deserve to have him there, and shouldn't be able to count on his support, but because you should be supported by people who understand and believe in your capacity to give birth.

The flip side of that proposal would be that you ask him in exchange to either a) explain his fears to you more completely, and b) support you for the rest of the pregnancy.

I wonder if the pressure is off him to perform, and be strong he might be able to respond better. He seems to be behaving like a trapped animal to me, like someone facing something difficult, who sees their only option as shutting down.

If this is not helpful, please ignore it, and just know my heart goes out to you. Think instead of yourself as being supported by the 300,000 other women who will be giving birth while you do, as well as by your community here.