problems with friendship because of toddler behavior?

[roseselene]

Has this happened to anyone? I've been getting together with a friend for like over 2 years now every week. Right now DD is 2 1/2 and her daugther is 4. Currently DD is going through, well, ....being a toddler....so playtime has been a little less than perfect. But, really to be honest...not terrible. We had one really really bad day where DD through a big tantrum. But other than that, the main thing is that during the first part of our time together while DD is warming up, if her DD gets a little too close to her...my DD will whine "NO"' and swing her hands at her.
So anyway, I feel like we are really close. Or at least I thought we were. I would actually have labeled her a best friend.
She emails me this morning that she doesn't think we should get together for a while because she doesn't think that my DD's behavior is very good for her DD. maybe we can get together every 4 weeks or so. Which is a far cry from the weekly meetings and my daughter is sure to notice and miss them.
I was just stunned. I really didn't think things were going that badly actually. I can't believe she didn't call me to tell me or talk to me to my face instead of emailing me.
Has anyone lost a good friendship over some stupid silly behavior that their child is doing?
I'm so hurt right now...just wondering if this has happened to anyone. I hope this post makes sense...i'm not thinking real clearly, so I may not have typed my thoughts clearly.
Amy

[meemee]

amy is her dd v. sensitive? or do u think she has noise sensitivity. i know some adults and some children who find the sound of a child's cry actually painful.

i am sorry this happened to you. but if u really thought u had a good friend you might want to really talk about this with her and see what she has to say.

also another mom with a v. social dd may not understand a lot of what your child goes thru. for instance the pushing with the hand thing that ur dd does (which mine did too). Do u think the mom might misunderstand that. I would say to my dd’s friend that she needs some space for right now. But in a little while she will be ready to play with her. And she would.

I have not had that happen personally to me. Our children have gone thru tantrums themselves or both together so the moms understand even when they are moms of older kids.

But before you go on I would really talk to the mom and sort things out first before being so hurt. I sure hope u can talk to her. It might clear up some things. Or it may end a friendship that was not there to begin with.

i can also understand the moms choice of emailing u. perhaps she really feels bad about it too and didnt know just quite how to approach you. maybe if you were meeting at the house u could suggest meeting at a park, weather permitting of course - if u arent already doing that. in my case i found parks caused less tantrums than at the house. of course leaving the park is a whole other story.

[srain]

She honestly might not be trying to end her friendship with you, but the playdates are just too stressful for her and her daughter given your daughter's current stage. I can picture that- I've cut back on playdates in the past not because of other kids' behavior, but because managing my own son around other kids was more stress than it was worth. I guess what I'm saying is not to read a rejection of you into this.

[USAmma]

I'm sorry you are hurt by this. I don't know all the history here, so maybe there is something about her dd that you don't know.

My friend and I agreed to only see each other without kids for about a year when my dd1 was going through an aggressive stage. I agreed with her because my dd pushed her baby a few times and also her older child. Now dd1 is really nice and well behaved so we are back to doing things together. During that year long period we remained friends by seeing each other with kids about once a month in a public place where there was less chance of my dd being aggressive b/c there were other things for her to do. We talked on the phone daily, too.

[roseselene]

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm still not really sure how to take this one. I'm still just thinking about it, because I'm just really shocked. I mean, I really didn't think things were that bad. She's slow to warm up and she's 2....
I haven't decided yet what I'm going to say to her, but I appreciate all the thoughts.
mee mee.....I just have to comment on your username....My daughter refers to herself as meemee (that started before she was able to say Emily) so I just thought it was cute that someone used the username meemee.
Amy

[lilyka]

I can understand. my children are pretty well behaved but pick up other behaviors very easily.we have had to limit playdates with certain children (when they are being especially impressionable we end all playdats with everyone - it is not always about other peoples children behaving badly. it is more about how impressionable my children are. they are followers for sure) before because other childs behavior was rubbing off on them. And while your dd may not be ill intentioned your friends dd might be picking up poor behaviors but with less neutral motives. Does that make sense? Or it may have just become unfun for her dd to do regular playdates for now. they may just have too differnt personalities for this age to handle with social grace.

I know it sucks but it might be best for both of them if there is some space there. I don't know if this is the way your dd acts with everyone but if it sems to be happeneing more with this child there might be somethingin her personality that stresses your dd out. I agree that it might be best to get together less frequently or perhaps gettingt ogether without children.

as for the e-mail. I could never in a million years think of a good way to bring this up in casual conversation. it is hard to change something that has become such a habit. I intentially try not to get into habitual playdates for that reason. just because i can't think of a god way to call them off or chamnge them should the need arise. So we make sure to mix up our routien every few months so that we have a graceful out if we need it. but I am terrioble with confrontation and risking hurting peoples feels so I plan for ways around it from the beginning (nothing wuite like posting at mothering to point out where I am weird and need professional help :LOL )

So I would call your friend and talk it over with her. find out exactly what her issues are and brainstom with her ways to keep doing playdates and make it comfortable for everyone. thank her for her e-mail but express your desire to continue playdates. maybe there is a way your dd would feel better about. less frequent, neutral place, better time of day, etc.. .

[cmb123]

Originally Posted by roseselene

really didn't think things were that bad. She's slow to warm up and she's 2....

Well, you know that, but a 4 year old doesn't. Maybe she isn't enjoying playing with your daughter right now, and be telling her mom she doesn't want to play with her. Going on playdates takes a lot of time and energy, and frankly if my kid didn't even want to go on the playdate, I probably would end them too.

[roseselene]

Originally Posted by lilyka

as for the e-mail. I could never in a million years think of a good way to bring this up in casual conversation... .

Don't take this as a personal attack...because its not. I'm just commenting on generalities. Isn't it sad that we've become so dependent on email in such a short amount of time that its been around. How on earth did people deal with difficult communications prior to email?

[OhMel]

Well, I've been the other mama and I lost a friendship over it. I am still sad about it. My ds was crying at the thought of seeing her ds so I asked to not get together with our children for a while and then it turned into this whole high school drama. I'm not one to deal with a lot of drama and I ended the friendship. I would say respect their need not to have the kids together and just stay friends.

[polka hop]

*

[BoobyJuice]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I can understand. my children are pretty well behaved but pick up other behaviors very easily.we have had to limit playdates with certain children (when they are being especially impressionable we end all playdats with everyone - it is not always about other peoples children behaving badly. it is more about how impressionable my children are. they are followers for sure) before because other childs behavior was rubbing off on them.

I could have written this one myself. My oldest is extremely impressionable (my middle son less so but still somewhat) and very dramatic. It makes it difficult to go places like playground where he sees lots of other children. I spend a great deal of time saying "We don't do that in our family" One child's karate kicks in the air will become full contact flying ninja leaps - all for fun. He isn't being mean or aggressive. He is just VERY exubberant. Your DD slapping the hands away might encourage full arm swinging in him - big smile on his face and possibly laughing - but still. And it wouldn't just be while we were with you. It would continue other places and with other people.

Just saying you don't necessarily know how this is affecting her child. A mothers first duty is to her child even before her own friends. I might try and call and figure out what is going on.

Good luck!

[Suzetta]

I would not take it as a personal slight at all. In fact, I would take the opportunity to suggest a visit with the moms only, and rekindle the friendship in that way. Possibly, she might have some stories for you about how she got through the 2's.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that her dd is picking up on your dd's behavior, and starting to act out as well. In my dd's circle of friends this happens regularly. My dd's friend was in a habit of slapping her mom's face during a tantrum...not soon after seeing it, my dd tried it out. Another time, she saw her friend telling the mom "GO AWAY", and now she is doing it too! This friend I am referring to is older than her. SHe also has a friend her age, who has picked up a thing or two from my dd. Some cutsie stuff, and some not so cute!

I respect your friend for trying to be honest and bring this up.

[meowee]

Well, I have been your friend-- I have started avoiding people because of their DC's behavior. I think it's when the mothering instinct is stronger than the friendship instinct. You naturally want to protect your DC and if your gut tells you to avoid a situation, you do.

[mtm]

I have a dear friend with a ds (4) 6 months older than my older son. Her ds has always been challenging and for the past few months we've been doing park playdates rather than at someone's house. Works much better. My place is small and he is into everything and I get fairly stressed when he is over. My ds doesn't enjoy him inside either as he has no personal space issues and is constantly waving his arms in ds's face, pinching, etc. My son reacts by hitting which I hate. Its just not good for anyone. Outside they seem to do much better, there's no fighting over toys like at ours houses, they can get some alone time or play different things while we adults get to chat. Way less stress. Come winter we're talking about a mom's only night which should be great!

[moondiapers]

I doubt she's upset with you. Is it possible that her DD is no longer looking forward to these play sessions? She probably just wants to slow it down for a while until your dd works through the stage she's in.

[quietplease]

I agree wth the other posters, but wanted to point out that there is actually a big difference in development between the two kids, and your friend's child may be trying for interactive play while your child, at 2, is still parallel playing and having a harder time getting along. It's simply a developmental mismatch. They may grow out of it. BTDT.

Try not to take it personally. 2 is 2, no matter how great your parenting is.

QP

[roseselene]

Just an update. I talked with her. I think maybe I overreacted the first day and took it personally when I should not have. I think things are fine. I think we'll try to get together as mom only get togethers.
Thanks for everyone's thoughts!!!
amy

[meemee]

amy, i am so glad things sorted out. and the misunderstanding has been cleared up.

glad my username touches a spot for u. it touches one for me too. it is what my friend's son calls his binky. he is having a hard time giving it up even if he needs it only during nap times. sometimes he has it right after a nap when we visit him and it is only for me does he take it out of his mouth to talk to me as i tell him honestly i cant understand him with his meemee in his mouth.

with my dd and her friends i am forming a whole dictionary of special meaning words.