The perfect mother

[Seumamazen]

I'm writing a cultural critique for a class on the idea and cultural obsession of the "perfect mother." I think it's something we all are aware of, but rarely do we talk to one another about this phenomenon. Where does it come from? How does society propose the perfect mother? When SHOULD a mother feel guilty?

I would love any ideas/feedback that you might have about this.

[lilyka]

intresting. I have nop concept of the perfect mother. I even have a beef with june cleaver. hell yeah she was vaccuming in pearls and heels. she only had two kids, they were older, rarely at home and her dh made a very comfortable income. If you can't get it together under those circumstances and be company ready with a clean house, meal on the table and loking nice whats your problem?

there are plenty of times moms should feel guilty. we screw up we are human. and then we get over it and go back to doing our best.

[johub]

quest to be the "perfect mother" the grail quest of our time.
The basic fact is this, there is NO perfect mother. Mothering is so complex, children are so different.
Everybody deep down wants to do the absolute best they can. But there are so many competing ideas over what is best. There is no consensus, and there never will be, because values vary, temperaments vary, expectatoins vary, abilities vary etc. . .
But as we all strive to be our personal best, we look outward at all the ideas out there to figure out exactly what that "best" is. And really, there is too much information for any of us to act on all of it.
For any area of parenting there are a so many competing "right" ways of doing things. Add that to the idea marketplace where anybody with an idea can call it the "right" way and sell a book and call themselves an expert.
I dont think that we set out to compete with each other, but we need each other to compare notes and sometiems it works out that way.
And the fear. Deep down I think many of us feel that while we cannot guarantee a perfect outcome, happy well rounded successful adult by doing everythign "right" we certainly believe that our capacity to harm our children and screw them up somehow is almost infinite.

Ok it is late and I dont know if I made a single coherent sentance.
But I am not a perfect mother. If I was I would be knitting or somethign rather than typing my stream of conscious blather on mdc! LOL

[flapjack]

I burst into tears at half past eight this morning because my husband commented on the fact that my son's school trousers aren't ironed. (They're teflon-coated permanent-press non-iron trousers. Life is too short, ykwim?) And suddenly a great wave of maternal guilt and anxiety came over me that my children were going to be bullied today because I was neglectful.
And yes, what I think is important is different from what most people think is important. I just keep holding onto the fact that I have two happy, healthy, independent children and they seem to be growing up OK- so hopefully, I'm not doing too much wrong.

[Seumamazen]

The idea of consumerism invading the sacred space of mother and child is creepy, but it really has wedged its way into the mothering culture as a whole. The latest book (written by an "expert" of course) on parenting is always a hot item. Hell, most of us have read so many books and articles and bits of advice written by the Ph.D. that we could have our Ph.D.'s too! Is it that we do not trust ourselves? As a culture are we that out of touch with our insticts and intuition that we feel we must turn to the "experts" for advice on every little thing? Are we, as a whole, lacking the support systems that would provide the insight and the reassurance of "yes, you're doing a good job." I think that's all we really want to hear int he first place. Nobody wants to be a bad mother; we're all just trying to do our best, but I believe we become blindsighted and overloaded with advice and ideas that we lose our true focus and intent as a parent--sometimes even contradicting ourselves in the process!

[katejlogan]

Mothering wasn't meant to be solitary

I guess that I am in a unique situation. I am married into a really huge Native American extended family where large families are the norm and we all live fairly close to one another. My DH mother's siblings, his real aunts and uncles, are considered to be moms and dads. My DH has seven brothers and they all consider our two DC their children too, just as I feel that we are parents to thier kids.

My point being, modern motherhood and family life is totally out of wack. Families always lived near one another, many times with multiple generations in the same house. Now, everyone is so spread out and mothers don't have an extended family network to lean on for advice, help, etc... I think that is why we are obsessed as a society w/ the "perfect mother" and spend millions of dollars on parenting books, magazines, educational toys, etc... We are replacing all the wisdom of sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers with things.

I know that if me and my DH were in a car accident tomorrow there are at least five different households of relatives where my kids could stay indefinantly, without me worrying about their health, safety, or schooling. They would be with family that love them and that is more than enough.

It used to be that when a mother needed help, had to go to work, was greiving, etc... there was a network of other mothers to come in and help out with the family. That is what we are missing and why I think so many mothers are unhappy, over-whelmed, depressed, feel inadequate, and feel alone.

I may not be very sophisticated, live in a metropolitian area, my kids won't go to the "best schools," or any of these modern trappings, but my kids are surrounded by a bunch of relative who love them, care for them, mentor them, guide them, and much more. I am their mother, and my DH is their father, but we are not the only ones in thier lives and that is why we don't "have to do it all" On the other hand, there are at least a dozen neices and nephews that I keep track of, ask how school is, teach how to cook, etc... What goes around, comes around.

I know that not very many families are as blessed as we are to be around so much family with all the pressures of modern life, but I really do believe we need to go back to living close to our families, having grandparents live in the same house as grandchildren, and other "old-fashioned" ideas. This is part of being the "perfect mother"---when the going gets tough, there is someone there to help you out.

Just my two cents.
Katie

[trinity6232000]

Amen Katie. Thank you for your post.

[turkeygw]

I agree with Katie. I grew up in a family where I lived with/spent time with my grandparents/ great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. And even though it was my paternal grandmother who raised me, she used to tell me how at times she had "too much support". LOL! She said she had to turn a few relatives down because otherwise she'd never get to spend anytime with me. So, with me not having any extra support, as I grew up with and took for granted, it is hard, and sad. I wish I had my granny here with me today to watch the girls, so I could even just go to the store by myself. Or go out to the movie with their dad, more than once a year. I never thought I would be in this situation, not having the emotional support that I need.

You are definitely blessed to have such a big, and supportive family(especially emotional). Support systems are almost non-existent, and families are too spread out(even though you can be 5 minutes away from certain family members, and still only see them twice a year). I remember living with my greatgrandparents while my grandmother was ill, for about 2 years. My greatgrandparents also raised my uncles for about a year, until my grandmother was settled into her new city. All I can do is shake my head now, and think about the wonderful memories.

[gentlebirthmothr]

Originally Posted by katejlogan

I guess that I am in a unique situation. I am married into a really huge Native American extended family where large families are the norm and we all live fairly close to one another. My DH mother's siblings, his real aunts and uncles, are considered to be moms and dads. My DH has seven brothers and they all consider our two DC their children too, just as I feel that we are parents to thier kids.

My point being, modern motherhood and family life is totally out of wack. Families always lived near one another, many times with multiple generations in the same house. Now, everyone is so spread out and mothers don't have an extended family network to lean on for advice, help, etc... I think that is why we are obsessed as a society w/ the "perfect mother" and spend millions of dollars on parenting books, magazines, educational toys, etc... We are replacing all the wisdom of sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers with things.

I know that if me and my DH were in a car accident tomorrow there are at least five different households of relatives where my kids could stay indefinantly, without me worrying about their health, safety, or schooling. They would be with family that love them and that is more than enough.

It used to be that when a mother needed help, had to go to work, was greiving, etc... there was a network of other mothers to come in and help out with the family. That is what we are missing and why I think so many mothers are unhappy, over-whelmed, depressed, feel inadequate, and feel alone.

I may not be very sophisticated, live in a metropolitian area, my kids won't go to the "best schools," or any of these modern trappings, but my kids are surrounded by a bunch of relative who love them, care for them, mentor them, guide them, and much more. I am their mother, and my DH is their father, but we are not the only ones in thier lives and that is why we don't "have to do it all" On the other hand, there are at least a dozen neices and nephews that I keep track of, ask how school is, teach how to cook, etc... What goes around, comes around.

I know that not very many families are as blessed as we are to be around so much family with all the pressures of modern life, but I really do believe we need to go back to living close to our families, having grandparents live in the same house as grandchildren, and other "old-fashioned" ideas. This is part of being the "perfect mother"---when the going gets tough, there is someone there to help you out.

Just my two cents.
Katie

Originally Posted by turkeygw

I agree with Katie. I grew up in a family where I lived with/spent time with my grandparents/ great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. And even though it was my paternal grandmother who raised me, she used to tell me how at times she had "too much support". LOL! She said she had to turn a few relatives down because otherwise she'd never get to spend anytime with me. So, with me not having any extra support, as I grew up with and took for granted, it is hard, and sad. I wish I had my granny here with me today to watch the girls, so I could even just go to the store by myself. Or go out to the movie with their dad, more than once a year. I never thought I would be in this situation, not having the emotional support that I need.

You are definitely blessed to have such a big, and supportive family(especially emotional). Support systems are almost non-existent, and families are too spread out(even though you can be 5 minutes away from certain family members, and still only see them twice a year). I remember living with my greatgrandparents while my grandmother was ill, for about 2 years. My greatgrandparents also raised my uncles for about a year, until my grandmother was settled into her new city. All I can do is shake my head now, and think about the wonderful memories.

Katie and turkeygw,

Same here. Everyone in the world should do it.

Thank you.