Need help/support!

[momto1QT]

I need some advice/support from you more experienced mamas!

DD is 2 (almost 26 months old) and this week Mon and Tues dh and I took her to her new Montessori school for the orientation which was only about 45 minutes each day.We were instructed to sit on the perimeter of the environment and not to interact at all with our dc/other children/other parents. DD was excited to go in the room and went to an activity however after a few minutes started calling to dh and I "Mommy come over here, daddy come over here" When we gave the line we were told to say by the teacher "Our work is to watch you today" dd became very upset and started to cry and sat in my lap the rest of the time. Same thing on day 2. Normally dd is very social and happy, albeit very sensitive and very much attached to dh and I. Now I'm freaking out, because next week we separate and dd will be taken from the car and into her classroom. Parents are not allowed to take the children in or enter the classroom. I am so worried, I can't sleep at night! I keep thinking I'm going to do some irreparable emotional harm to dd because I am quite sure she is going to be screaming and crying for me next week.

I don't know what to do.A big part of me just wants to call it quits now, but the teacher and dh insist that we try it out next week and see how it goes. I just know we're both going to have a meltdown on Monday when they take her away from us and into the class!
Please help! Any advice, support would be greatly appreciated!

[flyingspaghettimama]

Well, I love Montessori as much as a person can - but I think that you should also listen to what your heart says. If she's not really showing a lot of signs of independence (i.e. being afraid to leave you) and you don't HAVE to send her to school, I (personally) wouldn't do it. We did wait until three and a half and her nagging me to go to school for 6 mos before starting.

The only other thing I can think of is to say "our work is to watch you today! what are you going to choose? I'll watch you from right here," in an incredibly perky voice that's encouraging. But I don't know if you're going for another visit? Can you ask for another visit day or two?

Many Montessori schools don't start until 2 years 9 mos or potty trained (which indicates a certain level of desired independence, KWIM?). I really don't get the schools that are so rigid about the separation rules yet take children who are would not typically be accepted due to their lack of independence/age. I think there is something to be said for attachment and parental involvement before the child is really showing signs of independence.

[momto1QT]

Thanks for your response flyingspaghettimama! I really appreciate it! The teacher will not allow another visit day because she is doing orientation for the Wed/Thur/Fri class the rest of this week. I get what you're saying about showing signs of independence. DD is starting in the toddler classroom which is especially designed and separate from the 3-6 classroom. The toddler room is for 2-3 year olds, however dd is one of the youngest in the class since she just turned two. I don't have to send dd to school because I'm a a SAHM, I just thought it would be a great experience for her. I guess I plan on seeing how she does on Monday and staying at the school and if she's not ready for it, we'll just take her home and maybe try again in January. I too Love Montessori, however I just have to tell myself it's OK if she's not ready just yet. In your opinion, do you think most two year olds are unable to separate successfully?

Anyway, thanks again.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I wouldn't say "most" - some do and some don't? It would have been too early for my daughter probably, but probably not for others. To me, she wasn't really showing interest in signs of independence (i.e. didn't potty learn until almost three, didn't wean from breastfeeding until almost three), and wasn't speaking clearly at all, so I didn't feel comfortable.

I think it depends on your comfort level, her comfort level. I think you should trust your gut on it though, see how it works out. That's the most important thing.

[OhTheThinks.....]

I agree go with your gut !
Also very important, remember that your child will be keenly aware of your feelings and anziety. If you are feeling like "this is not right", she may feel she is going to an "unsafe place" and act on that. The kiddos definately pick up on how the parent feels about about any place or situation. Especially AP raised children.

Is there a mommy and me Montessori program at the school. Whereas you can stay in the class (perimeter) the whole time as she engages in activities at will.

As for us, I did Mommy and Me till DD was age 3 and showed signs of wanting to go, no separation anxiety etc. They we tried two days a week as a try out, and then halfdays 5 days at 3.5.

You have plenty of time to start your Mont. experience. Don't rush it. I think 3 yo is plenty early enough to be away from home. Two year olds are still so very young and need their mommas (IMHO).

[momto1QT]

Thanks for your response, OhTheThinks!
I wish my dd's school had a Mommy and me program! That would be perfect! Dh and I have been extremely upbeat and excited when preapring dd and talking about school, but she just seems to be going through this really intense separation anxiety. Part of could be that she has never been away from home and never with anyone else besides dh and I, and occassionally grandma at our house. I'm going to allow the "trial" separation on Monday and then after she is taken from the car and in the classroom for a few minutes I'm going to go in the school and peek in the door. If she's showing obvious signs of trauma, I think Monday will be our first AND last day for awhile
The other bad thing is we're locked into a tuition contract, so we pay (a lot) whether she goes or not.
I guess we'll see...I'll post back here after Monday. Thanks for your reply!

[LyliaFinn]

My son started a Montessori toddler program last week. He'll be two in a couple of weeks. He's having trouble adjusting too, which has been a surprise to us, because he's always been very independent (he runs off at the mall, the park, wherever, and totally leaves us in the dust; that sort of thing). His school has a very long, gentle transition, meaning for the seven school days he's had so far, I've been able to stay in his room for as long as necessary, trying out separation. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to stay away longer than an hour (and more often 15 or 20 minutes) without him becoming inconsolably sad (I'm in the lobby, so they come get me to comfort him), and he doesn't seem to be making much progress towards adjusting to separation. My husband wants to give it another week or so; I think I may not last more than a two or three days at most before taking him out. It's incredibly stressful and unhappy-making. Neither of us is sleeping very well, and we're both tense and sad (and he's usually such a funny, happy boy!). I think he's just not ready.

Anyway, I don't know if this was at all helpful, but I just wanted to share my experience. I hope things go well for you!

[momto1QT]

Oh Lylia, right back at you! I appreciate you sharing your experience, especially since your ds is close to the same age as my dd. It's so hard watching them like that, isn't it? It sounds like maybe your ds and my dd just aren't ready for the separation yet. I can relate about the not sleeping, I haven't been able to fall asleep for the past several nights either. Let me know how it goes with your ds too, Ok?
I wonder if anyone here knows whether 2 year olds, in general, are less likely to be developmentally ready for this big step? All the other children in dd's class who were at least 2.5 to 3 seemed to be doing just fine. My family thinks I'm being too over-protective, but I just can't bear to see my baby so upset wthout me, as I'm sure you know. That line about holding my child's heart in my hands keeps just keeps resonationg with me...

[OhTheThinks.....]

The Montessori 3-6 program actual ages are 2.5. So you guys are exactly RIGHT in feeling that your little ones may not be ready for the 3-6 classroom
AND YES YES YES.......there is a huge developmental difference from a 2 yo to a 3yo. Even Montessori identified three milestones in the age 2 realm. 2- 2.4, 2.4-2.8, and 2.8-3, something like that. There are significant growth and changes during that time.
And other tidbit is 2yo still are in the "unconsious mind" phase, they don't really become "conscious mind"" till age 3.
I think you mommas are so great in keeping tabs on your little ones and making this big decision. I took 6 months to make mind and watch for any sign of distress.
You are doing great and I send you my support.
If you and your little ones decide that the time is not right, then if it is possible by all means take them back home, have playdates, etc. You have plenty of time. And when the time is ready the transition will be beautiful.

If your little one is ready and just needs reassurance, muster your best confidence and quell your anxiety and help them to transition.
Good Luck.
PS.. As for the school, you may need to put your foot down at the school and insist they let you have a longer "warming in period" where you can be in the class with your child. You may have to speak to the owner/principal. Do not be held hostage by the tuition, use it to your advantage....like.."I have agreed to pay for this, so we need to find a way for this to work".

[AmyParsley]

PS.. As for the school, you may need to put your foot down at the school and insist they let you have a longer "warming in period" where you can be in the class with your child. You may have to speak to the owner/principal. Do not be held hostage by the tuition, use it to your advantage....like.."I have agreed to pay for this, so we need to find a way for this to work".

Oh my gosh, EXACTLY.

My daughter is going to be 4 next month, and this is her first year in the 3-6 room. She was in the 2-3 room last year, and loved it. I didn't really even have to stay in the room observing last year on the first few days of school. She loved her teachers and her small class and just thrived.

This year, she's overwhelmed by the move to the new classroom. The older kids. The fact that the class size has doubled. The increase in the noise level. And she's really having trouble with the drop off/ pick up. I can't take her in anymore, she has to go through the line and be helped out of the car, etc. She wakes up crying and begging to stay home from school...which is SO not like her!

On Friday, she didn't know the teacher who opened to door and greeted her, and so she hung back, a little overwhelmed. Instead of waiting until she felt more comfortable, the teacher snatched her out of the car and plopped her on the sidewalk. Quinn started crying and the teacher just passed her to the next person by the door to the school. My husband, who was dropping her off, was too stunned to do anything about it, but came to his senses and parked and went in.

He talked to the director, and said, "We've been told time and again that the Montessori way is to let our child separate from us, not the other way around. If that's the case, WHY WAS SHE TAKEN FROM ME?" Ohhh, he was mad! Of course, the director fell over herself apologizing and telling him he was absolutely right, and she'd find out what happened.

After he called to tell me this, I went in and observed her for the rest of the day. She seemed fine...she spent a lot of time alone, but I guess that's OK. Before school ended for the day, I stopped in the director's office and she said she'd talked to the teacher who had removed Quinn from the car, and that she had been having a bad morning and wasn't thinking......and that again, she was sorry, blah blah blah.

I said, well, I think Quinn's anxiety level will decrease if I am allowed to take her in for the time being, and drop her off in her room. The director said, "Absolutely. You are her mother, and you know her best. Please do what you need to do in order for her to be comfortable here."

And that's why I love this school. I trust them, I let them guide us through her education, but I also step in and adjust if I need to...and they allow it.

Sorry for the thread hijack, really, I'm just trying to show an example of what I think a director/teacher *should* do for you.

I remember Quinn's 2-3 classroom teacher telling us that she has had parents come and sit in the room with their kids for as long as a month.

I hope you are able to figure out something that works for everyone, but especially for your child.

[OhTheThinks.....]

Good Job Amy !! Exactly what I mean !! Considering that all our kiddos are not the same the school must be willing to adapt and work with the parents.
I have heard about the drop-off scenario and I had a game plan that if it did not work for me I would park a block away and walk my little one to school the one block, talking about how exciting it was going to be, who we were going to see, and then I would be back etc etc. And then walk her to the teacher at the door or "goodbye spot".
Basically though you are exactly right, most M-schools are totally willing to work with any situation you may have, including drop-off, inceasing the time you can stay in the classroom etc etc.

[wendy1221]

I wouldn't send my child to a Montessori that was that strict, especially with children that young. My ds1 started Montessori as an infant (I was a single mom--worked/went to school full-time) and it was great until his lead teacher quit and the owner/director took over the infant classroom. She WAS this strict and ds was not there long after she took over. Until this time, I was used to going in and sitting w/ ds for about a half hour or so and then getting him started in an activity before leaving him for the day. Kids under 2.5-3.5 (depending on child of course) need a bit more parental involvement in the classroom. The montessori he started at age 3 doesn't like parents coming in the classroom daily the whole year, but if your child is having a hard time, especially at the beginning of the year, they have no problem with it. And that is the 3-6 class. He wasn't in the toddler class, but I'm sure they're even more lenient. KWIM?

[momto1QT]

*update*

DD did much better than anticipated today, as today was the first day of separation! As we were pulling up to her school in the car, dd saw the other children being escorted out of their cars and taken into school and she started to panic a bit, crying, saying "Mommy hold me, Daddy hold me"
but dh and I remained upbeat and waved goodbye. As soon as we rounded the corner, I fell to pieces and started sobbing. I felt horrible! After I had calmed down and was sure all the children were in the classroom, I went and peeked in her classroom. She was laying down on the floor with her blanket and baby doll, crying a little bit. A few minutes later, still laying on the floor but just observing the other children. (Meanwhile, there are several other children in the class crying, screaming, trying to get out of the door, etc) I continued to peek in at periodic intervals the entire morning, and by the time the morning was coming to an end, she was sitting next to the teacher and other children on the floor, listening to a lesson. I was so proud of her and so relieved! She actually did better than many of the children for her first day, especially her first time EVER away from home without dh or I. Thank goodness for transitional objects!

So, I just wanted to say thanks again to those of you who took the time to read my post and offer support. I was all ready to take her out, but I think she is going to be just fine!It's great to talk over these fears with all of you understanding mama's her at MDC!

[AmyParsley]

(Meanwhile, there are several other children in the class crying, screaming, trying to get out of the door, etc)

Can you imagine what it must be like to be a preschool teacher? :nana: I would never have the patience!

I'm so glad it went better today! Quinn actually asked to go in the car dropoff line today, so we did! Yay!

PS: Momto1QT, where in Chicago are you? I'm up in McHenry!

[flyingspaghettimama]

I'm so happy for you. Although the image of the other children crying and screaming is a little bit disturbing. Did their mothers come around to check after them?!

I also think it's cool that your school does allow transitional objects. Some of the ones don't, even for the little ones...and later on, definitely not (i.e. older children's classrooms).

One thing that helped my daughter was showing her on a clock what time I would be there to pick her up, and I would always be there to pick her up at the same time. In our case, noon was an easy one to do. The dependability helped a lot.

[momto1QT]

Amy, so glad to hear things are going better for you and Quinn too! I give so much credit to those preschool teachers. They must have nerves of steel! :LOL I live just west of Midway airport.

flyingspahettimama- I agree, the other children crying and screaming,etc WAS disturbing and if dd was like that I would have had to intervene. There was two other moms who checked on their kids right at the beginning of the morning and then left ...the rest of the moms didn't check back in until pick-up. Thet couldn't believe I stood out in the hallway the whole time! But there was no way I was going to leave, unless I KNEW dd was going to be OK, kwim? I was surprised too that none of the other children had a transitional object with them besides my dd, despite the teacher encouraging us to send it with them I think maybe some of the kids would have had an easier time had they had one.

[sunmountain]

Originally Posted by momto1QT

I was surprised too that none of the other children had a transitional object with them besides my dd, despite the teacher encouraging us to send it with them I think maybe some of the kids would have had an easier time had they had one.

I don't come to this board much anymore, but this thread caught my eye.
I've had four kids in a great Montessori school, ds1 from K-(now)5th year, ds2 had three years in the 3-6 room and now is a 2nd year, ds3 is in his 3rd year of a 3-6 classroom (K), and dd spent two years in the toddler room (I'm keeping her out of preschool and will start her in K). ANYWAY lol! I just wanted you to know where I was coming from before I made a comment on the above quote.

NONE of my kids had special objects. My dd occasionally brings dolls with her places, but NONE of them attached themselves to things like blankets or stuffed animals (they all used binkies to varying degrees, but they were gone by 2yo).
So don't be too harsh on those parents. The kids may not use "transitional objects."

However, I am glad to hear it is working out well for you. Sounds like you are very in tune with your dd's needs, 2-3 is a tough year. I'm so glad to be beyond it after 11 years lol!