DH Vent and advice needed!! (bank account stuff)

[root*children]

ugh! We just moved to a new area so I had to open up new bank accounts (DH was at work, so of course they were put in my name). I actually want them to be in my name because DH has screwed up 2 times and I just don't trust him. I do the finances anyhow, so what's the big deal?

So last night, it starts as a normal conversation that DH wants his name on an account so he can cash checks there (understandable). And I'm trying to figure out which account he can be on - and then he gets raging mad (literally cursing and stomping around) because he says "on principle" his name should be on ALL accounts. I really don't feel comfortable with his name on our savings, b/c right now it is Emergency savings, and there is quite a bit of money in there.

In the past 2 years, he has twice taken large sums of money and purposely not told me (once from savings account, once on the credit card). So I try and gently bring that up, and he still thinks it was perfectly okay for him to do that (not tell me about it). And that there's no reason I shouldn't trust him, unless I'm planning on leaving him and want the money all to myself (he kept sying that, WTH? : ).

What would y'all do? Anyone else have a completely untrustworthy DH? I just mean money wise... I love DH, but just don't trust him to have easy access to that kind of money or be in charge of finances or anything.

I'm thinking open another account at a different bank and transfer the emergency savings there, and get DH in on the original savings account that will have a pidly amount of money saved for vacations or something like that. Give me wisdom here mamas! I'm completely pulling my hair out, and DH is giving me the silent treatment!

[chalupamom]

I didn't want to read without posting, but I don't really have much advice. My husband isn't quite as bad, but nearly so and we haven't quite resolved it yet.

Moving the money is one idea, but how long would it take him to figure it out when mail starts coming from the second bank? And it wouldn't really solve the problem, just band-aid it. Is counseling an option? One thing I don't get is why it's o.k. for him to use large amounts of money and not tell you, but it's not o.k. for you to try and prevent that while keeping him fully informed. These are some serious control issues between you.

[aisraeltax]

or, if you are really worried, you could get a PO box and have the check statements sent there. i would advise this only for the short term and try counseling to deal with his issues. of course, i give this advice recently having experienced a tramatic abandonment by my DH so i am a bit skewed right now in the area of protecting yourself financially.
good luck
Rach

[3boysmom]

Do you both work? If so, how about separate accounts with iron-clad rules about what your'e both responsible for paying? This is not how we do it, but I do have a few friends/relatives that handle things this way. It might teach him a bit of responsibility if he were in charge of paying the mortgage, etc. with what was in his account.

[shelbean91]

Have him open a 2nd account for an 'allowance' to go to. Have it be an amount you both agree on for his spending money. A friend of mine did this with her dh who had a spending problem that eventually put them into bankruptcy.

Good luck.

[shelbean91]

Oh- and yes, 'on principle' he should be on all accounts, but since he's proven he's not responsible with money, he should let you handle everything for a while. I would make sure that in case of something happening to you, he can get to the money- you know, make him a beneficiary or something- that way the accounts won't be frozen from him. It's not a pleasant thing to think about, and hopefully nothing bad will happen, but you don't want him to be left high and dry if something DOES happen, kwim?

[krisnic]

I personally would put his names on the accounts. Maybe he thinks what he is doing is okay? If my dh didn't want my names on the accounts because he didn't like what I did with the money, and I thought what I had been doing was okay, it would upset me a lot, because it is my money too. I think a long talk is needed to put both of you on the same page. It may take a couple of talks though, because money is hard to talk about.