What can I do to help DD?

[MerelyGod]

I have a 12 year old daughter and about 6 weeks ago, I gave birth to a new baby. It was difficult for her at first, but she is adjusting to that very well. The problem is, aside from the baby, the past month or so has been horribly stressful for all us, but especially her. It was just one awful thing after another.

First, a few days after I gave birth, DD's pet frog died. About a week later, we found out FIL has cancer (a melanoma which has spread to his lungs) and just a couple of days after that my sister (we're not close, and she lives in another state), who has been struggling with a methamphetamine addiction called to tell me she failed a UA (tested positive for drugs) and her beautiful 1 year old boy is back in foster care for the second time. The kicker came when we went away for Labor Day weekend and while we were gone, one of our cats died. Poor DD found her laying on the floor in her bedroom, between the bed and the window. The whole New Orleans thing has been awful for DD too, especially as she was just there earlier this year with my in-laws.

I am so worn out from taking care of a newborn, totally stressed out from worrying about my FIL, my sister and my nephew and so sad about our kitty, I feel like I am not doing enough for my older DD.

She's really handling things well, I think, considering, but she's so freaked out about the cat. We've had her for about three years, and before that she was a stray. When we got her, we found out she had feline leukemia, so really, it was just a matter of time. I'm grateful for the time we had with her, but she didn't SEEM sick, so I think to DD it seems like she just died out of the blue. She is constantly checking on our other two cats and won't let them sleep in her room anymore, because she is afraid they will die while she's sleeping. We have to go away for a weekend at the end of the month, and she has already asked if we can take the cats or stay home (we can't).

I just don't know what to do for her. I feel so bad for her right now. I think that any one of those things is a lot for a 12 year old to deal with, but all of them at once is just terrible. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help her deal with all of this?

[cloudspinning]

I read your post, and I am so sad that I have no advice for you. But I didn't want to read and not respond. It sounds like such a hard time for all of you. I'm sending you strength and love.

namaste,
cloudspinning

[Shiloh]

I just don't know what to do for her. I feel so bad for her right now. I think that any one of those things is a lot for a 12 year old to deal with, but all of them at once is just terrible. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help her deal with all of this?

I think if you start by helping her honour the memory of her cat, maybe you both could set aside an hour and make a scrapbook page or two - go shopping pick out some paper just the two of you no baby to distract you. Encourage her to write a short story about the happy memories of her cat, etc. And I think if you use the cat as a way to broach the subject of the loss of loved ones, keeping memories alive, keeping them always with you in 'healthy ways', sharing stories, making those memories permanent. Maybe you could bring along a tape recorder next time you see her grandfather and get him to tell stories (my mother did that with hers, and you know my greatgrandfather has been gone 31 years this month and she'll still bring them out on Christmas and we'll listen to the two of them sing - very badly mind you

I think the cat's death will also give you a little insight into how she deals with death - I am thinking she didn't like the shock - so make sure that she knows what is going on with her grandfather but not too much to scare her as sometimes even with cancer that is 99.9% fatal they don't die.- my friend's father dx with pancreatic cancer given 3 weeks to live - his brother was a pharmacist, other a GP...his dad got so sick of the 'bedside' vigil with the ready and waiting morphine drip to help him pass over, the steady stream of people to say goodbye - he snuck out one night passport in hand - went on a 2 week vacation and came back and said start chemo.... He's cancer free 4 years now. It happens.

I have an 11 year old and a new baby. I say spend some time with her alone - trust me the more time you set aside the less she'll want it Think about helping her start something new, something to keep her mind not focused on loss. And watch how and what you say and I know its hard as when your world is getting more and more dramatic its hard. But she is looking towards you for her cues as you are her mother.

I've been broaching the same subject with my dd about my mother for a while but slowly like one idea at a time, however I feel so stressed out that my mother is getting more and more needy, I have a baby and a toddler and a girl about to become a woman.....as her mother is loosing her own mother. And I'd so badly love to find a positive way to celebrate womanhood, comming of age, motherhood and to help my dd realise that time is short with some people and that she has to balance the comming years of social time with her family.....but I feel so drained......

And I don't have the time I should, I don't have the energy I should to get my own stuff done never mind the stuff that lies ahead.... and to try to continually muster your strength for everyone else..... so remember take care of mama first, set aside some time for your dd now, make a ritual of something atleast once a week that you can keep - like going for a walk, the bookstore etc.

[Mizelenius]

When I was about your DD's age (13), my father died. It helped to write poems and talk to my mom. . .most children at that age don't really get how to help, so she'll definitely need to lean on you the most.

I haven't read the book, but I wonder if you could discuss parts of the book Necessary Losses together. (I just realized it was written by the same author as Alexander and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day. )

Also, I have a 5 month old (and we had severe nursing issues until 6 weeks so all I was doing was pumping) and a 3 y.o. Those early weeks were definitely the hardest weeks. I promise, it DOES get easier, but in the meantime, accept any and all help.

s to your and your DD.

[lisamarie]

Please know that my heart goes out to your family. So many losses in such a short time frame.

Last year when my ds was 8 yo, my Mother and Grandmother died within 2 months of each other. It was such a tough time for my ds and painful to watch him grieve so deeply. I encouraged him to journal and we did read alot of books. But after six months, things were just not better for him and he was depressed. I found a great pediatric therapist for him and that worked for him. Things are so much better now.

Just talk, listen and watch your child. Here is a list of books that might be helpful for you both: http://69.20.14.30/discussions/showt...24#post2847024

Warmly~

Lisa

[MerelyGod]

Thank you all for your replies! I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I will look into all of the book suggestions (especially the one by the author of Alexander and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day, DD used to love that book), she does love to read.

Shiloh - I love you idea of the tape recorder. I noticed that DD has been taking tons of pictures of our other two cats, I think because unfortunately, we don't have many of the one that died. She already made a scrapbook page for our cat, and we've started one for her NO trip. I would love to spend more time alone with DD right now, but it is just so difficult to find time for anything other than breastfeeding and changing diapers. The new baby is much, much more demanding than my oldest ever was. I feel so drained.

We did have a funeral for our cat immediately after she found her. DH dug a hole and DD gathered up a few of our cat's favorite toys and wrote something to her and buried it all with her. We buried her under the lilac tree where she slept when she was a stray and first came to us. Then we sat around her grave and told funny stories about her. I do think that has helped her (I hope).

We've been very honest with her about FIL's situation. The only thing I would keep from her is a "75% fatal" or "3 months to live" type of prognosis, as they are so often inaccurate. It's just all happening so fast. He has a biopsy tomorrow. So hopefully we'll know more soon.

Lisamarie - How awful to lose your mother and grandmother (or grandmother and great-grandmother) so close like that!

[Shiloh]

I noticed that DD has been taking tons of pictures of our other two cats, I think because unfortunately, we don't have many of the one that died.

what about something huggable a stuffed cat that is like hers in colouring size?

She already made a scrapbook page for our cat, and we've started one for her NO trip. I would love to spend more time alone with DD right now, but it is just so difficult to find time for anything other than breastfeeding and changing diapers. The new baby is much, much more demanding than my oldest ever was. I feel so drained.

Oh I hear you on that one. Think then of something 'small' or take a car ride - baby might fall asleep... Or give her a project to do and she can report back to you...keep her busy but involved with you. Like a puzzle, a mystery etc. I find I have very little time for mine as well, sigh, I am hiring an aupair for 4 months so maybe then I can squeeze in more time for mine. but I have so much that needs to get done and the more I get rid of off my list the more that seems to come my way!

You could also get dd involved at home -giver jobs/chores for money they like that at this age...then you can teach her show her things - from sewing on a button to washing a floor...the novelty wears off quickly but they do like to try new stuff.. Also what about a cook book? I got the Emeril for kids try one for cold foods etc. It will give her more to 'do' and she'll feel more mature and connected but be more independant!

Alison