WAY different than your siblings? does it make you wonder about having more babies?

[moma justice]

i have been wondering about this...sometimes i see adult sibs who are friendly and are somewhat a like, at least all pretty good happy healthy people etc.

and then sometimes, you see adult sibs and you wonder how can one be so ok and the other be so not?

for instance, my mom is (not perfect) but a pretty awesome happy healthy functional person....her only other sibling, my uncle is the so not ok.
in everyway....criminal, unhealthy, drugs, liar, etc
my grandparents were pretty loving good parents who spent time loving hteir kids....i ask my mom all the time, "what do you think happened to make uncle X so disfunctional?" she can't put her finger on it.

as i have been reading threads here about having more and do you consider yourself AP etc
and alot of people mention how they were raised and their current relationship to their siblings....and it made me wonder:

does anyone think that they could have some child turn out great and some just not....and yet pretty much do the same parenting?

does that make sense?

a couple people said when talking about having (or not) more children, that their first kids were sooooooooooooo wonderful, what are the chances that that could happen again?

i know the nature vs nurture debate will never be decided, but i was curious if anyone here had any moments of wondering if they could "do everything" right and have it work for some of their kids, but not others....

i mean all any parent can hope for is a happy, healthy, well adjusted adult...at the end of this parenting trip...that is why we are investing all those sleepless nights, backaches from baby (toddler!!) wearing

i know we do it out of love, but it is almost an investment for their future too (AP i mean)

anyway, could we do all that and still make a "black sheep" kid who is some crazy f'ed up adult?

anyone wonder?

[DaryLLL]

Yes.

[JamesMama]

Yeah, in fact all my family has said I'll never get so lucky again, as I did with DS...I don't know whether to be upset about that or not...I will have more children though.

[MsChatsAlot]

Every person interprets things differently. I could hug my oldest son 10 times per day and he'd feel like I didn't hug him enough. I could hug my youngest son 10 times per day and he would feel like I'm smothering him. It's all about their perspective.

I think it's important to be attached because then we learn the subtle differences between our children and can better figure out what each individual needs. However, there are personality traits, birth order, experience, etc. involved that are beyond our control.

I know there are things I would change if I could do it over, but mostly, I think I'm doing a good job. I start out each day feeling like I'll make the most of my parenting & that's really all I can do.

No matter what we do, give or provide for our children, it will never be enough. No one person can give or provide everything for another, so we try the best we can.

I often joke that no matter how much I love my kids and do the best I can, I still think they'll end up on Oprah one day complaining about something that wasn't "right" in their childhood!!! :LOL

[UnschoolnMa]

I am not much like my brother (the only full blood-from the same parents sibling I have). We have very different lifestyles, social circles, and political beliefs. But, he's a nice man with a good heart. We grew up in different houses (he with our dad, and me with our mom) and only saw each other on visitation schedules so that probably has something to do with it.

My kids are very different, but very close.

[trinity6232000]

I have often seen grown adult siblings and wondered how could they
have all come from the same family, with the same parents. Myself
and my siblings are a perfect example as well.
I think many times parents can fall into a pattern with their first child,
and then that is how they parent all future children as well. We have
to remember that every child we have is a individual and therefore will
need different kinds of attention.
I (forth born) just asked my brother (3rd born) this week why my oldest
brother (first born) has so many problems with our parents. I can see
his point, but I haven't been effected in the same way. Since I was
last born, and my siblings were 15(b)13(g)12(b) when I was born I was
basically born into a whole different family, and was raised an only child.
My brother said that our oldest brother needed more attention. He was
always asking for it, begging for it. My two other siblings could have
cared less. My parents didn't give much attention, so therefore the
oldest feels slighted, the second two born feel whatever about it and
I didn't resent the lack of attention until I had my dd and couldn't
imagine her having my childhood.
If we parent all our children the same somebody will feel lacking. They
are individuals who need individual attention. I also feel like when our
children enter adulthood and challenge us to remember things we did
wrong instead of saying we did the best we could, we should acknowledge
their feelings. If either of my parents were to tell my oldest brother they
were sorry, or tell him that yes he is correct they didn't always give him
what he needed I think it would take a huge monkey off his back.
But even when I have expressed this to my parents they look at me as
if I had two heads.

That being said it’s hard to realize that as parents some of our child’s future
is out of our control. I want to have more children. I want my dd to have
siblings. I don’t worry about a black sheep.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by trinity6232000

That being said it’s hard to realize that as parents some of our child’s future
is out of our control.

Oh yes it sure is. Of course when we (or I guess I can only really speak for myself) think more about that I realize that wouldn't for the best even if we could control their future. My first instinct would be to protect them from pain, and sadness & and obviously those are the things that, combined with happiness and success, make a life.

I don’t worry about a black sheep.

I am the black sheep lol

[UUMom]

My sibs are exactly *why* I wanted a large family. We're pretty different, but get a long nicely-- always get together for family events etc. We all have a sense of humor, so i think that's why. Our best jokes are about our parents.

My sisters both bf (so did our mother bf us). My sister with grown children nursed her kids into toddlerhood, but is much more career-minded than I am. My brother is unmarried and no kids, a tech geek who likes toys. My younger sister and I are very much alike and we see each other all the time and do stuff together.

i don't think you have to be the same, just have to grow up in an atmosphere that respects differences, or at least be able to get to that space at some point in time. My kids are close, but dh and I respect that they are individuals. I hope they can take that respect into their adult lives with them.

It's one reason we don't do competition in the family, and the words "But your sibling does/doesn't do __" has never crossed my lips. Across the board, dh and I have always worked hard at seeing their differences, which is one reason we have 4 kids in 3 different educational situations etc.

[Ann-Marita]

My only sibling is way screwed up - prostitution, drug abuse, crime of various kinds, very violent with those closest to her. Even as a child, she was physically abusive to those smaller than her - mostly me. She's just really really messed up.

I have an only child and we are stopping there. And yes, the experiences I had with my sister were a factor in our decision to have only one. There were other factors as well.

[Peony]

My sister and I are 2 years and 11 days apart, my mom wanted us close together to be playmates. :LOL Did not happen, we barely tolerated each other as children, our personalities are at opposite ends, We will never be friends, as adults now,we still just tolerate each other. It's the same way with my mom and her sister. We can't control how our dc will turn out, but we can do things like AP to ease the process.

[Jade2561]

I come from a blended family. There were 4 kids. I am the oldest, I have a brother and step-sister (blah! I hate using that term) who are a month apart and 2 years younger than me, and a 1/2 sister who is eight years younger.

As kids we had very different personalities ( and we still do) but we were all friends. We always had one anothers backs and to this day there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. We rarely fought as kids and our family life was very tumultuous at times which brought us together. I shared a bedroom with my two sisters until I was 15 and some of my favorite memories are of one of my sisters crawling into bed with me to talk and read.

Things are different now because we all live far apart. I am 21, living in Oklahoma with my family. Timmie is 19 and lives in Virginia in the NAVY. Amanda is 19 as well, and lives in Conneticut at college. Elissa is 13 and lives in Charleston with my parents. We all have crazy busy lives so I usually only get to talk to them a couple times a month; but when we see each other it's like we've never been apart. We have developed a strong sense of mutual respect and love for each other and I think it will always be this way. I miss them right now!