Well-adjusted middle children

[napless]

Are you a happy, well-adjusted middle child? Do you have a happy, well-adjusted middle child? Please share your story! Since I had my third child four months ago, ds#2 has become "the middle child". I have already heard enough negative comments about neglected, messed up, sad middle kids. I need lots of positive examples to counteract the terrible stereotype so it doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy!

TIA!

[mamabohl]

Not positive if i count as a middle child - I have one older brother (4 years older than I am) and 3 younger brothers (9, 10 and 11 years younger than I am). So I was in the middle, but there was a big age difference for the younger brothers. I am very self-sacrificing, which I think is typical for middle children. Di anything to make everyone else happy. But I don't think I'm totally screwed up, I never felt neglected. Everybody has issues, but I think as long as you love all your kids you don't need to worry. I know where you're coming from though, we want 3 or 4 kids and dh has had people tell him, "but then you'll have a middle child!" I can't believe that people actually stop at 2 just because they don't want a middle child.

[Stevie]

I have one brother 16 months older than me and then 3 brothers 5, 7 and 13 years younger. I mostly felt like the oldest because I took care of the little ones and then the middle of the younger bros never seemed to suffer "middle child syndrome" either.
My middle child is 24 years younger than her big brother so I don't think she even qualifies as the middle child

[lab]

This is a great topic. I would suggest reading The Birth Order Book - Why you are the way you are by Kevin Leman. It is a great read and gives wonderful suggestions on helping families overcome birth order problems. I enjoyed it.

I am the middle child. It sucked! My brother is 20 mos older than me and my sister is one year younger. Middle children tend to be more social and have more bonds with people outside of their family because they are largely ignored by their families! According the The Birth Order Book, birth order starts over if there is a large gap between kids. Also, if the first born is a girl and the second born is boy, the boy tends to take on first born characteristics because of family dynamics. It is a fascinating book. I really suggest reading it. It even goes into what birth order combinations work best in marriages! The great thing I found about this book, is that it gave me ideas on keeping the usual birth order problems away.

Ex: My dd is the middle child. She is sandwiched between two boys and is the only girl. I think this is a huge plus for her being the middle child and the only girl. Anyway, her older brother (18 months older) is the typical first born over achiever. When you have this combo, the second born tends to rebell and become the black sheep. Children tend to allow themselves to be pigeon holed into a characteristic. YKWIM - Sally is the funny one. Georgie is the stubborn one....... As a parent you have to allow them to be all of those things.

I'm sorry! I feel like I'm rambling like crazy. I swear I can't get a thought out without changing the subject on myself!

Anyway, my dd started rebelling around 6. I mean honestly, what chance did she have. Her older brother made straight A's. Could read about 4 years above his grade level. He was in AIG classes. He was constantly told how smart and organized and neat he was. So she became the opposite. She was defiant, uncooperative. She was lazy in her school work and messy with her room. It was horrible. So I read the book and we began focusing on her strengths. In a matter of a few months, we noticed a huge difference. She actually began competing with her brother. She has done a huge turn around. She is now 10 and we appreciate each child individually.

I honestly don't think you will have a problem simply based on the fact that you are concerned and already looking for solutions.

Hope my post made sense!

[mcsarahb]

Well, as is obvious from all the other posts, it depends on the personality of the child and all other family members.

I am the middle. I have two brothers, fours years apart on either side, so I am the only girl. I am very happy, happily married, "well-adjusted" you could say, I suppose. We are planning on stopping at one child, but not because of any drama in my own childhood. I think my parents did a great job of supporting each of us siblings, celebrating our different strengths and spending time with each of us individually. We are all vastly different people.

I think it is very possible to have a happy, well-adjusted middle child if you are a happy, well-adjusted family in general. And, of course, sometimes the very best environment and support can still not be enough if the person is "destined" to be unhappy for some other reason. And similarly, you can be happy and well-adjusted even though your family life was one big soap opera. It's not necessarily nurture over nature.

[stafl]

Originally Posted by lab

This is a great topic. I would suggest reading The Birth Order Book - Why you are the way you are by Kevin Leman. It is a great read and gives wonderful suggestions on helping families overcome birth order problems. I enjoyed it.

I didn't think very highly of that book, personally. Seemed more like a way for the author to take jabs at his older brother than anything else. I do believe there is something to the differences between older and younger siblings, but the author of that book has some bias of his own he needs to overcome before being taken too seriously.


All children thrive when people, parents most importantly, emphasize their strengths and don't spend too much time pointing out "weaknesses" to themselves or to the children in question. We could all use some more praise and less criticism, couldn't we? I'd just suggest that the OP stay away from people who have negative things to say. Who needs that? It certainly isn't doing the kids any good, is it?

[pygmywombat]

I share the middle child position with my brother. I have one older brother and then there is my co-middle sibling and another younger brother. I am perfectly happy being the middle child and my parents have always treated us equally. We aren't defined by our positions in the family, we are celebrated for being ourselves.

[oceanbaby]

Well, I think my neighbor is awesome, and she is a middle child. She seems pretty well adjusted to me!

[lab]

Originally Posted by stafl

I didn't think very highly of that book, personally. Seemed more like a way for the author to take jabs at his older brother than anything else. I do believe there is something to the differences between older and younger siblings, but the author of that book has some bias of his own he needs to overcome before being taken too seriously.


All children thrive when people, parents most importantly, emphasize their strengths and don't spend too much time pointing out "weaknesses" to themselves or to the children in question. We could all use some more praise and less criticism, couldn't we? I'd just suggest that the OP stay away from people who have negative things to say. Who needs that? It certainly isn't doing the kids any good, is it?

You know, it's been years since I've read that book. I don't really remember the jabs. I do remember stories from his childhood (he was the baby) I thought he was funny I did feel sorry for his sister. It seemed like she was always doing stuff for him. If memory serves, she was the middle child (or least took on the role because the 2nd born was the older brother) I haven't really given any thought to your view, but I certainly will now. I may go re-read it!

In any event, the advice was the same. So I guess it's all good!

[DebraBaker]

I have six middle children and they, for the most part, are well-adjusted.

None of them meet the middle child styerotype.

In fact my secondborn and fifthborn and seventhborn are my high acheivers.

Go figure.

Debra Baker

[stafl]

Originally Posted by lab

You know, it's been years since I've read that book. I don't really remember the jabs. I do remember stories from his childhood (he was the baby) I thought he was funny I did feel sorry for his sister. It seemed like she was always doing stuff for him. If memory serves, she was the middle child (or least took on the role because the 2nd born was the older brother) I haven't really given any thought to your view, but I certainly will now. I may go re-read it!

In any event, the advice was the same. So I guess it's all good!

It has been years since I read it too (gawsh, when did it come out? in the mid-nineties? I was in college still), and I might have taken it too personally, being the oldest, but it seemed like he was unusually harsh on his older brother.

[Alkenny]

I have a well-adjusted, mild-mannered, even-tempered middle child. Of course, he was the "baby" for 8 1/2 years too.

[nomadmom]

Originally Posted by stafl

It has been years since I read it too (gawsh, when did it come out? in the mid-nineties? I was in college still)

OT
:LOL It cracks me up to hear the mid-nineties referred to as if it were such a long time ago! Funny young people.

On Topic: I was a middle child. I'm happy and well-adjusted now, but that wasn't always the case. However, I don't know if any of my "issues" were the result of birth order. I don't have a middle child, but if I did I wouldn't give birth order a second thought.

[stafl]

Originally Posted by nomadmom

OT
:LOL It cracks me up to hear the mid-nineties referred to as if it were such a long time ago! Funny young people.

you are soooo sweet!


(I'm 36, it took me ten years to finish college)

[nomadmom]

Silly me, I forgot that college isn't just for kids! Yay to you for finishing... and you're younger than me any way!

[moma justice]

i am the middle child twice!!!!

(of my original 100% biological raised together family, big sis, me then lil sis) but in my young adult /late teen years we "found an oldest sis from my dad's younger days and around the same time, my parents adopted a youngest boy....so that is how i am the middle child twice)

but in a way i felt ignored growing up b/c my oldest sister was SUCH an overachiever she was like a obsessive freak! who was having CONSTANT melt downs, and my little sister was such the BABY....

but the good thing overall is that i felt the most well adjusted my whole life b/c i HAD to be so flexiable...i KNEW what it felt like to be a little sister and want to look up to someone etc so that made me a better big sister to my little sister, and the other way too, i knew what a pain in the ass little sisters can be (cause i had one too) so i *tried to be a better* little sister to my big sister

the funniest part is watching my older sister adjust ot not being hte oldest anymore (seh actually told me once how annoying it is that the now oldest sister is always bossy and thinks sh eknows more cause seh is older....i trie dnot to laugh right in her face!) and my little sister is in consant shock at how "spoiled" our little brother is, adn why isn't mom more strict with him etc.......

it is cool for them to finaly gain some insight into what it was like growin gup with a bossy control freak and a whiny spoiled baby!

but over all i Love all my sibs, always have always will, overall we have always got along pretty good, enjoyed eachother, and still have strong active bonds.

oh and if you asked my mom and dad who was the hardest challenge to raise, it woul dbe me hands down of all 5 of us!
but if you asked them who do they worry about least now, it would be me, no questions, they think i turned out to be very well adjusted!

[eleven]

I'm the middle child. Even though I'm kinda crunchy, compared to my older sister and younger brother, I am completely normal and very well adjusted. I get along with each of them, though they do not get along with each other. I'm also the happiest of the bunch.

I definitely wouldn't let generalized birth order stuff influence my family plans. Make all the babies you want!

[Loki]

I'm a middle child, and I'd consider myself well adjusted

I was the only girl between to boys, 3 years on either side. As I think someone mentioned above, being the only girl kind of negated the "lost in the middle" thing, as that made me "special".

I also agree with someone above who said, if you have a happy well-adjusted family, you will tend to have happy well-adjusted kids, regardless of birth order.

[pixie-n-hertwoboys]

I'm the middle child here. The one with her head on straightest too. My older sis reaped the brunt (sp?) of it all and my younger sis is 11 years younger so she was 'spoiled' compared to us. I was the mediator between everyone.

I agree w/ the other posts - if you have a well adjusted home to begin with kids will thrive no matter the birth order.

[napless]

Originally Posted by pixie-n-hertwoboys

... if you have a well adjusted home to begin with kids will thrive no matter the birth order.

Thanks everyone! That's just what I needed to hear!