Is this tacky/unfair to DS?

[JamesMama]

My DS's birthday is in January (yeah way planning ahead). I would like to put in the invitations that people put $$ into a car/college/whatever account for DS in leau of bringing gifts. My thinking is that it seems silly to spend $20 on a toy that DS will use for 6 months. The money would be much better spent helping him to buy a car or going toward his college education. Is that tacky to ask people to put $$ in a special account? Is it unfair to DS to not get a ton of presents on his birthday (DH and I will get him a present)? Dh is all over the idea, and I love it too, but our families are up in arms. I really don't see the issue because his birthday is like 30 days after Christmas so it's not like he'll be hurting for toys/clothes or anything...we'd do the same thing with any future children regardless of when their birthday is.

What do you think?

Thanks!!

[matts_mamamama]

I think if you want to spread the word in the family that that is what you want to do, then it's fine - but expect people to give gifts anyway. But it is tacky to put it in the invitation. Your wording to the family could be along the lines as "He got so many wonderful things for Christmas, we would love to see him get something for his future (money, savings bonds, etc.)"

[nannymom]

mrs. manners says never request a specific gift in the invitation. I however would just tell someone I know will talk...

[trinity6232000]

Well I guess it really depends on those that are invited to the party. Many
people would be relieved and many could be offended. I personally would
be slightly offended. I think the asking of gifts is going a little far lately.
I have been invited to baby showers, birthdays, a house warming, that have
registries. The only occasion I really think registries are exceptable are for
weddings. I mean what is somebody going to do with 10 toasters, and that
could happen without a registry.
I like your idea though. So since your dc's birthday is so close to Christmas
you could attach a note to the invite that says that since it's so close to
Christmas that if they wish they could put money into the account. Making
it more of a choice. Or if you made it an after thought like "Oh by the way
we have set up a college account for ds. If you are at a loss for a gift all
money will be placed into this account".
Just make sure you don't say something like ds has enough things so we
would like everybody to give money. I have an account for my dd and I
put most of her Christmas/Birthday money in there for her college. I told
her grandparents about it, but never anybody else. I don't like to dictate
what people give as presents. I think it takes away from the giving spirit
in which presents are supposed to be received.

[oldcrunchymom]

I do think it's tacky to put it in the invitation. However, I see nothing wrong with telling people who ask (or "mentioning" it to a family member with a big mouth as someone else here suggested). My daughter needs dance and gymnastics things this year so I told my mom that if anyone asks, to recommend those items.

[UUMom]

I agree with everyone. I'd never put that in an invitation. An child's b'day party invitation is supposed to invite one celebrate, imo.

I would let my mother, or another close person know, however, and then he/she could tell anyone who might ask that the baby already has so much, and maybe a pass for a museum or aquarium would be nice, or a savings bond etc. I don't like being asked for money when what i really want to do is celebrate a child. I also think any child could benefit from books or some other creative item that i might think up. Harump.

If the family is 'up in arms' --maybe it's better to start letting them know what you *might* esp enjoy, since they do want to buy gifts. Like i said, books, museum memberships, art supplies etc. Since you won't have to buy those, you could take the money you would have spent on those things and put it in a savings acc't.

[JamesMama]

Thanks! I'll just tell my mom and DH's grandpa, they both have big mouths...lol. They are mostly 'up in arms' because they want to buy all these big noisy obnoxious toys for DS. Thanks again!

[moma justice]

it is a hard call, from my perspective...in refernce to a past poster who said it is only ok to register for your wedding , b/c wha twould you do with 10 toasters?

i have to say taht that can happen at ANY event when gift giving takes place...

and for some people it is no hardship to get a bunch of crap you don't need/want...but for me with my baby shower, we were sOOOOOOOOOO dirt poor, and i was depending on my shower to be a source of what i needed...which was cloth diapers.....

i had been to so many other baby showers were girls got dresses and dresses and dresses that would nto even be really useful, many times would not even be right for the season that the babe would be in at that certain size....

so i know i strayed from the OP question but i had to put in my 2 cents about asking for gifts.

ps if i weren't poor it would nto be such a big deal and fortunatly for me, the peoplel who really love me and wanted to HELP me into motehr hood (which is the real purpose of a baby shower) gave me all the cloth diaper stuff on my registery...and
if i am buying for someone who i know is more *in need* i always ask: what do you *need*
my sister is in school and poor, so for her kid's b days, i always ask her what do they need,t hat is what i buy.

[lilyka]

I say very tacky and kinda a bummer not to get gifts on your birthday. My general rule is to never suggest a gift unless people ask. if it is my chidls friend I wil always suggest something it would be fun for a kid thier age to pick out. So usually a toy ( "You know those dolls you were playing with over here? maybe you could pick out something to go with those") or clothes ("you know she really likes the stuff you wear. could you pick her out very cool top? maybe one like you have so you could be twinsies")

parents usualy ask for ask for a list and do pretty well sticking to it. I would never put cash on teh list though. or at least not with other options althoguh they ahve given us zoo passes, co-op memberships etc . . .

[isosmom]

Dc get way too many toys for my taste. Usually the grandparents ask what they can get dc and if there is anything I can think of, I'll tell them, otherwise, I suggest a membership to the zoo, habitot, dance or art lessons etc. My dad has started putting money away for both dc for their birthdays. His own idea, but one I like much better than plastic toys.
I would wait for people to ask you what the children would like. Your other option if you really don't want any more toys is to request that there are no presents at all. A friend of mine put that on her child's first birthday invitation and it made sense to me.

[onlyzombiecat]

Telling people to give $ in lieu of other gifts is tacky... even if it is a college/car fund. It comes off as greedy and obnoxious.
If you don't want people to give gifts so close to x-mas than just say no gifts please.

Is it unfair to your dc? Kind of.

I don't think gift registries are bad. I view them as helpful guides but not mandates.

I guess I would just talk up your dc's favorite things and if someone asks for suggestions say "well, he has so many toys... books or clothes are good and we could always use art supplies or a zoo membership or something for his future like a savings bond would be fine."

[flapjack]

I don't think it's tacky to say no batteries, or to offer supportive guidance on appropriate toy choices- I think asking for money to help fulfil what the older generation would view as your responsibility is. We have some family members who have been putting money aside for the boys as they hardly ever see them, but they did it without being asked and I think it's a really sweet thing to do- they did the same thing for my ex-husband and his brother and I remember it really helped us out. But no, I'd never dream of asking.
Also, there's a lot of people who really miss having a tiny baby or a toddler, and being able to buy the cute little clothes and the fantastic toys (though they're getting steadily worse) and they really enjoy being able to gift. It is a transaction between giver and reciprocant, and a chance to show some love and feeling.
I HATE being given money as a present. It makes me feel that people don't care about me, and couldn't be bothered to pick out something personal, but that's my personal opinion.

[octobermom]

While I think your intentions are great yes I do think its tacky. Id want to celebrate your childs 1st or 4th (whatever) birth day not pay for his college (even a little bit) My birthdays on January 12th I HATED HATED when people would say I didn't need a gift because it was so close to Christmas. No I didn't expect big ellaborate gifts or anything but it really felt like an unfair punishment that I wasn't sosposed to recvieve a gift because I wa born in January but my neighbor born in July could have a party with gifts and no one blinked.
Deanna

[Stevie]

a vote for tacky here too It's one thing to answer a direct "what does he want?" question, another altogther to tell people what to gift...

[octobermom]

I've been thinking about this.
What about having a theme party like say a book and puzzle theme and suggest gifts that fit the theme a few extra books or puzzles wont hurt.
DO you clear out toys that have been unused or out grown before the holidays? We do that here close to the holidays we put away or give away all toys that eaither never really intrested our DD or ones shes outgrown that way were not just piling them on. We also rotate toys here we have about 5 sets of toys out at a time (plus dolls stuffed animals) every so often like maybe every two months I take some and repace it with another.. I keep out the stuff shes really into but rotate others this keeps tabs on too many toys and too many battery toys.
Just some thoughts

Deanna

[RainCoastMama]

Sorry to drive the point home here...but this is one of my pet peeves. I do think it's tacky. It's fine for really close relatives like grandparents to be asked for $$, but I know that in the past as apoor student, I've hunted high and low for good deals/bargains/sales on things as presents, or even made them myself. I'd be stressed out if someone requested $$ cuz then I'd feel obligated to probably put in more than I could have afforded/wanted to instead of what I'd have spent on a gift. It kinda puts the focus on what's being rec'd instead of the celebration.

[srain]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat

Telling people to give $ in lieu of other gifts is tacky... even if it is a college/car fund. It comes off as greedy and obnoxious.
If you don't want people to give gifts so close to x-mas than just say no gifts please.

I agree. If you don't want "stuff," say no gifts. Don't say, "we don't want what you'd choose to buy for our kid, but we still want your cash."

As for whether it's fair, that depends on how old the kid is. We did no gifts with my son until this year, when he turned 5 and knew full-well that birthdays were usually a gift-giving occasion. If your kid is old enough to know that, and dosn't agree with the no-gifts policy, it might be unfair. If they're not old enough, not unfair at all!

[lilyka]

excellent point onecoastmama. I hadn't even thought about that.

[oldcrunchymom]

Originally Posted by lilyka

excellent point onecoastmama. I hadn't even thought about that.

Yeah, I agree. I was going to point that out but forgot. I'm poor and I can usually find nice gifts for people at TJ Maxx or department store clearance or wherever. I hate having to give money because under a certain amount (depending on the occasion) looks cheap.

[kerc]

i didn't read everyone's responses but I think its tacky. In better taste would be to prepare some kind of list of things you think your kiddo would love to have --

dd's bday is in november. Last year she got toys and books for her bday but the hit gift at christmas was winter boots from grandma. It was a little tough to get by without boots for a snowy december though.

for her birthday she also got a boat load of play dough and etc. from her aunt. which we let her play with about 3 times before putting it on the shelf until march. in march it was a brand new toy and she was thrilled to have it.