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World of Warcraft Dads - HELP! - Page 2

post #21 of 193
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandora114
I still stand by my advice, tell your wife the reason why you feel you have to escape. What is so crappy in your life right now that you need to lose yourself in a virtual World?
exactly. I mean what's more important- leveling in some imaginary world or having a satisfying, healthy relationship in real life?
post #22 of 193
ok, my thoughoughly gamer hubby sais this:

"You gotta find out what's making your hubby unhappy if he uses video games to escape. Like if he's playing an hour or two here and there, and spending time with you, that's cool, but if he's totally ignoring you, your kid, and everything around him for hours upon hours on end, there's something seriously wrong that needs to be adressed"

His words..not mine.

BTW, this is coming from a man who has BTDT IRT vid games
post #23 of 193
I have to say that I really disagree with uninstalling / deleting / changing a password. It's going to cause more friction in the long run and it's bound to cause resentment towards you and possibly towards other family members. I *know* I would be pissed off if my husband deleted all my photography bookmarks and files.

The honest answer, that I only skirted around in my earlier post, is that someone is only going to stop doing something of their own will. You may do something to temporarily end the behavior, but complete change has to come from the person with the behavior.

It took a lot of heart to heart talks, time, and patience for my husband to see my side of the coin. I honestly believe that he curbed his gaming out of his own desire to spend more time with Rach and I, and not out of guilt placed on him by a nagging wife unhappy with his hobby.

I may be the unpopular voice here, but I know that this works without anger and resentment. It took some time, but it's been well worth it in the long run for us all to be happy.
post #24 of 193
My wife is posting in this thread and it's correct. I am a video gamer. It's what I've done for as long as I can remember. I just love it. I played Everquest for 3-4 years and was in one of the guilds/groups that played together every night for hours on end. I really enjoyed it. I had alot of fun doing it. My wife even played with me for a couple of years. There is a definite "I can't get up from this" feeling at times. You feel it, you sense it. But let me tell you, when you finally say "Enough is enough" Nobody that you are "leaving" cares. All of those instance groups, the raids, the groups that count on you and need you, they all dissapear in the blink of an eye.

When I quit EQ, I did it cold turkey. My wife had complained about it for a while and deep down I knew she was right. I quit during an argument, but the argument wasn't the reason I quit if that makes sense? It was one of those things where it was like 'FINE ILL JUST QUIT" I uninstalled it and I really didn't look back. At the time it seemed like a "guilt" thing but it really wasn't. It was just time to move on from playing games that much.

The day I quit, I was in one of the "top guilds" around and I was one of those people everybody counted on and "Oh no what will they do without me" The surprising news? My email/aim/phone. I never was contacted. I was a very well "liked" person and you would expect all those people would want to keep on communicating. They didn't, and I really didn't care. It's just a stupid video game. (big picture) I still love gaming, I still play them a lot. But they're just stupid video games. Play them, put them down, it's just a game..

I stayed away from WOW for a while because I was fearful I would do the same thing. I finally bought it and I started playing in the middle of the nights when our daughter would wake up for the most part and fall asleep in the carrier or during other down times around the house. I did get to level 60 and I still play almost every day but I rarely/never? neglect any household or family duties. I certainly don't play long stretches. An hour or two off and on is the most I'll do.

The only thing that I ask is that the "Give me a few more minutes" rule, and my promise is that I honor that as well. If I have somthing that is really going to take 10 more minutes, I ask for it. (I'm talking about 10 more minutes before we start a movie or whatever) Bath time, change time, kid needs play time are immediate things, but I really respect those times anyways and don't put myself in the situation where I have to make the decision. Bath time is at 6:30. Why would I be in the middle of something I "can't stop" at that time?

The instance runs in WOW, they are a lot of fun. I've done maybe 10-20 since I started playing. On each one I made it very clear "I'm very unrealiable, I may have to leave" Some people say that's cool, some people pick someone else. The guild I'm in is a family guild where everybody knows i have a family and that if they don't want an unreliable situation, just don't ask me. But they do ask, and we go play together. They are very respectful of the fact that I as well as other people have personal lives.

My recommendation is not to try to use the "It's just a stupid game" thing against someone. People have to realize that for themselves. I'm not saying that people shouldn't play them. I do, I love them. Find out where they fit into what your situation is and go from that. I know that I can't be in a high end raiding guild, I don't even try to make that a goal of mine or something I desire to do.

I have no advice, it only changes when you choose for it to change. I've been there, I've done it. It's a lot of fun but after being on the other side of the spectrum, you _CAN_ get up from an instance run, you can walk away. Some respect for a "Give me 10 more minutes" (10 real minutes) is fair.

I know this is long, but some of you seem to be having some serious issues with it and I'm the "guy" in this and I've been in the chair you're husbands/partners are sitting in. You can't beat the gamer out of them no matter what you do. You can work the frequency out of it though. This weekend, my wife is going out of town to her mom's house and she said to me "Are you sure you won't be bored..." After I finish up the yard work and make sure the house is clean, I'm sure I'll have a long gaming session. I'm so unaccustomed to doing this now that normally I look forward to "oh boy all day of gaming" and then a couple of hours in I have to get up and do something else.

I guess the only advice I could give is to keep presenting enjoyable situations. Let's go to dinner, let's watch a movie together, let's go for a walk, let's go to Best Buy.. If it's always "COME HELP WITH THIS DAMN KID!" I can imagine it would be resentful.

(I would agree with Pandora's husbands comments as well...)
post #25 of 193
Quote:
Originally Posted by balawre
I have to say that I really disagree with uninstalling / deleting / changing a password. It's going to cause more friction in the long run and it's bound to cause resentment towards you and possibly towards other family members. I *know* I would be pissed off if my husband deleted all my photography bookmarks and files.

The honest answer, that I only skirted around in my earlier post, is that someone is only going to stop doing something of their own will. You may do something to temporarily end the behavior, but complete change has to come from the person with the behavior.

It took a lot of heart to heart talks, time, and patience for my husband to see my side of the coin. I honestly believe that he curbed his gaming out of his own desire to spend more time with Rach and I, and not out of guilt placed on him by a nagging wife unhappy with his hobby.

I may be the unpopular voice here, but I know that this works without anger and resentment. It took some time, but it's been well worth it in the long run for us all to be happy.

:

And rdl2k5 - you really said what needed to be said in a way all parties can understand.

I'll direct my DH to this thread tonight after he's home from work so he can add his viewpoint as well.

I don't play WoW but I don't mind that DH does. I try to give him uninterrupted game time - we shoot for at least twice a week - usually T & Th and then he'll often game on Saturdays if we're not doing something else. But he also makes sure I get a break. And he does spend time with DD. If our family life is needing attention and it doesn't work out for him to play WoW, it's no big deal. He usually tries to play when another friend of ours (in another city) is on so they make "dates" which I respect as long as I know about it before hand and I am not having a crisis with DD. And we do the "ten more minutes" rule, too. (Ten real minutes - so true but had to :LOL )

Another thing that helps us keep things in perspective is setting time limits - DH will say he'll be offline in 2 hours, or by a certain time - and then he sets the alarm on his PDA to remind him to get off the computer. This gives him a chance to finish up what he's doing online and then come and join me IRL.

Mostly, for us, I'd say we just communicate well. Not just about gaming but we talk to each other a lot. Admittedly, it's often about what DD did today or how Dh's work is going, but it does help keep us connected in our relationship. DH is also very affectionate so most of the time, if he wants to play WoW, I don't feel threatened by it. If I feel like he's been neglecting our family in favor of the computer, we talk about it and work out a compromise.

Thus far, we've only had one real incident where one of DH's gaming incidents got in the way of our real life. We discussed it afterward and I think we see eye to eye on it.
post #26 of 193
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the feedback ... I especially appreciate the very clear and helpful advice from the hubby people. It really does help me to understand.

This has taken a very interesting turn, as I have made a the connection between DH's gaming and his stress level. He has an anxiety disorder, and large amounts of stress really make him freak big time. The other day he was about to freak because he was really stressed-out, and instead of being pissed at him for acting like a jerk I delved deeper and pushed it a little and finally found out he really needed to decompress. I said "screw it" to my online classes, took our DS, and told him to go play his games for a while.

He was way happier after that. He does use it as an escape, but I can't say I mind that aspect much. We are in a very difficult situation financially, which stresses DH out maximally ... makes him act like a jerk when he doesn't mean to (I'm the same way). It is my impression that his gaming is his preferred coping mechanism for dealing with stress, which we have a lot of. I knit, he games. I'm learning.

Gotta go ... library.
post #27 of 193
Starflower's DH here...

I was a bit nervous when I read the title of the thread she directed me to. She is VERY good to me...

I've been gaming since the Timex Sinclair 1000 (1980), but I've only been playing WoW for about 4 months.

Swimmin_mama, it sounds from his reply like your DH has a different view of his gaming habits than you do. You say that he is gaming every morning and every day after work, each time for hours. He says he might game for an hour before going to bed. It sounds like there is a lot of "rhetoric" flying around, and some real numbers need to be arrived at.

Really, he is saying he needs X number of hours for "downtime", which to me is the ability to temporarily cast aside responsibilities and just enjoy life however you like to enjoy it. Everyone needs that. It is only fair that you have the same as well, though. Just try not to get too picky about it, and don't forget "us time". The only issue we have had with this philosophy is that I've been accused of only being "nice" because I wanted game time. That may or may not be true. You will never know, sweetheart... ... but I was nice BEFORE WoW, too...

Personally, I think it is unrealistic to think you can game every day when you have an infant/toddler, but every family must reach it's own balance. Gaming should NOT take precidence over scheduled commitments, though. If your classes take place at a certain time, he needs to go read a book or something. If you have assignment deadlines, he needs to be aware of them, so he knows when you are more likely to need the PC.

Normal questing on WoW is very "casual gamer" friendly, but doing instances (which is all there is once you hit level 60) is not so much. I don't have any l60 toons, but I can imagine how difficult it can be to organize a 40-person raid. I don't think it is unfair for him to want to have three hours a week of uninterrupted "ME time", again, as long as you get the same. He may choose to stay at home and game, you may choose to go to the park and read a book. But if he is home, it is really tempting to say "the baby's driving me nuts, HELP!" However, make sure you follow the golden rule: "Interrupt others as you would have them interrupt you."

His statements about reputation are true, but not particularly valid. If he states up front (as another dad does) that there is a chance that he could be "called into duty", then there is no reputation to loose. If this results in not being invited to raids, then he is in the wrong guild, and needs to find a family-friendly one. However, if the "Golden Rule" above is followed, then hopefully he won't have to drop out of a raid much.

Understanding that this is his way of coping I think is a key point. Starflower occasionally got miffed that I don't "go out and do things" more often, but not everyone is a "go hang out at the bar with the guys" kind of person. Even before WoW, gaming and reading were how I relaxed. It just so happens that now I don't have time for other games...

It might be good for him to develop another way to cope, as well, though. One that does not tie up a "shared resource" like the PC.

To the moms who's DHs say they are "getting agro" from the wife, that is worse than rude, I find it highly insulting. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are basically saying that they are being attacked by something evil and need to beat the tar out of it. It probably seems cute to them, but it isn't.

Whew. That was a bit longer and more rambling than I thought it would be...

I think it all boils down to fairness and communication. Relationships need to be perceived as fair by all participants, or there will be trouble. That can be defined in VERY different ways. I know a guy who's wife takes care of the kids, shops, cooks, and still has a full time job, yet he comes home from work and goofs on the PC. Starflower would have me hanging from the light fixtures by my ()(), but it seems to work for them. Find what works for you, and talk about what is not working, but make sure you BOTH are getting what you need. You can't do this just once, either, especially with a who's abilities and needs are changing day to day.

OK, I'm done. I swear, I'm not USUALLY this stuffy and opinionated...
post #28 of 193
Oh man. I can relate to this so much. Sooooooooo much.
I've tried so many different things, none of which has worked. I try to be understanding of the "down time" thing, and really it wouldn't be such an issue if he took initiative to clean or do anything besides make dinner (I'll admit that he does this far more often than I do, but that's partially because I am ALWAYS nursing our daughter to sleep by the time he's home and we can eat dinner together). Anyway. I'm going to come back to this thread and read more carefully when I have some more time and am a little more awake, but thanks to the OP for posting this.

One thing... my DH plays Dark Age of Camelot... not WoW, I'm suprised he's the only one? I only skimmed some of the posts so far, but is he playing an unpopular game or something? Hehe. I suppose that would figure
post #29 of 193
DAOC isn't an unpopular game. It came out, Hmm 4-5 years ago? Games like that have a way of holding on to some of the crowd while some move away. Warcraft is just the "one to play right now' I played Everquest and that seems so far in the past right now, yet people still play it every day.
post #30 of 193
OH get this

I was playing City of Heroes the other night, and I was teamed up with a Husband and wife team. IRL They were married, they were gaming together, it was SOOOO SWEET! I go "Man it is bonus that you can affort two sep accounts! I think it's awesome that you game together!"

I told DH about it and he's like "Hon we can't afford two accounts right now but yeah it sounds nice "

I also said it was nice that for once I was teamed up with fellow adults. Most of the time it's like teenagers and younger kids playing. But it was nice to acctually team up with fellow parents. I"m part of a Supergroup *guild* lol
post #31 of 193
Quote:
Originally Posted by BuddhaBuddy
Really, he is saying he needs X number of hours for "downtime", which to me is the ability to temporarily cast aside responsibilities and just enjoy life however you like to enjoy it. Everyone needs that. It is only fair that you have the same as well, though. Just try not to get too picky about it, and don't forget "us time". The only issue we have had with this philosophy is that I've been accused of only being "nice" because I wanted game time. That may or may not be true. You will never know, sweetheart... ... but I was nice BEFORE WoW, too...
This is so true and this is why my DH plays WoW. It did get out of control for a while (but I was so focussed on my DS that I didn't notice) He was using it as a form of escape and relaxation - I wasn't there for him to vent to so he let out his steam on WoW.

Quote:
Originally Posted by buddhabuddy
His statements about reputation are true, but not particularly valid. If he states up front (as another dad does) that there is a chance that he could be "called into duty", then there is no reputation to loose. If this results in not being invited to raids, then he is in the wrong guild, and needs to find a family-friendly one.
Eventually he got his act together, quit one of the two guilds he was in and stayed in the smaller more family friendly guild. In the long run this works great.

We have a standing agreement that he doesn't play after work until DS goes to bed. Also he's willing to drop the game at any time if I decide that I want to play with him... :LOL

There are probably many reasons why he's escaping into this game and once you address those you can move on from there.
post #32 of 193
I was also a WOWW. :LOL We had some real issues with it. He was playing from the second he got home with a brief break to eat and put DD to bed and then right back at it. On the weekends it was all day. We had to have a few really hard talks about it. In particular what was really annoying to me was when I would say something to him about it (in a nice calm way) he would just fire back "well what are we going to do if I stop playing?" I pointed out that we've been married five years and he's been playing Wow for only about 4 months so really there must be something we can do. Finally a few weeks ago I gave in and tried the game myself. I am by no means addicted but it is fun. Usually now we don't play until after the girls are in bed. Our computers are in separate places so we chat in game and over our phones while we're playing. Sometimes we play together and sometimes we play separately. I'm only L15 while he has two much higher characters and one he started to play with me so we mix it up. I don't want him to feel he always has to play with me. Anyway that's something to consider. Also playing the game myself now I know he exaggerated some things he told me he couldn't get away from and I understand not wanting to quit in the middle of something. So I do try to respect the 10 minutes more please requests but quash the 30 minutes more and he's been much better about it too. I'm jsut babbling I guess but I empathize truly.
post #33 of 193
Wow, and I thought I was an ancient gamer. I've been gaming for.. 15 years now, and my DH has been gaming probably almost as long. We met on a game, actually. We play games together all the time. I'm an awesome gamer, always the highest level, in the best guilds.. blah blah. Until I had a child, anyway. It was hard because while I quit gaming DH did not. It was a huge battle with us for a while, I resented him and was angry. Why should he get to play but I can't?! And he'd insist I could, but that meant ignoring DD to do so, or trying to watch her while we played. Ugh!

So we talked about it, I got a WoW account several months ago and played that at night after DD went to bed, and I also got 2-3 hours on the weekend to do a big instance. DH dropped all multiplayer games except for a MUD and went back to his single player games, so at least he could "pause". And then we both have sorta dropped gaming altogether. Maybe because he works too much now and I took up knitting. :LOL

Anyway, I don't have much to add, there've been some great responses here. But once a gamer always a gamer, I think. Sometimes I imagine life without a computer and how lovely it would be, but I know it'd never happen. All I can really strive for is to limit the exposure in my DD's life, because man, I sure don't want her life to be lived within the online worlds mine and so many of ours have been. Gaming is evil, imo. I never thought I'd say that, but I wish I had never got sucked in - talk about a huge waste of life.
post #34 of 193
lol Keja.

DH and I just worked out our City of Heroes schedule.

We each get an "Off Night" Where we do NOTHING but game. The other spouse takes care of the cub, the daily chores such as dishes and whatnot, and the other one spends time in the game.

We alternate, one night one spouse games while the other tends to the toddler and the household chores, the other nite we switch. It will work out wonderfully. But since I'm a SAHM, I could very well game during the day too heheheh but that means I ignore my toddler. which I won't. So I'll sit on the PS2 and play FF 7 to beat it in time for Advent Children's release *SET BACK TILL DECEMBER BOOOOOOOOO *

You want a gamer household? Just look at ours. EVERY Major game console, Xbox, PS2, Game Cube. TO every nintendo system ever made, from 8 bit to 64. We still need to find Vitural boy and the puke green screened gameboy.

*collection* He also has a DS.

We've been gamers forever. We met in grade 4, and *I* Got him addicted to gaming! We had a NES before he did, and he came to my house after school one day, and bam he was hooked. Then I showed him my SUPA 1337 Commodore 64 and the flight sim on it and he was soo hooked then too.

So I have no one to blame for my husbands video game addiction other than myself
post #35 of 193
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandora114
OH get this

I was playing City of Heroes the other night, and I was teamed up with a Husband and wife team. IRL They were married, they were gaming together, it was SOOOO SWEET! I go "Man it is bonus that you can affort two sep accounts! I think it's awesome that you game together!"
Yes, the out-of-town friend that I play with also games with his wife. In fact, she is WAY more into it than he is. He lost interest for a while, and SHE started paying for his account!

It is always wonderful to game with other adults. I get really sick and tired of the gutter talk and the "l33t"-speak. My ignore list is a mile long, which makes it difficult to follow converstaions sometimes...
post #36 of 193
Well, I don't have much to add to the PP, but I just wanted to say I hear your "pain". My SO loves the War Crack (I thought we were the only ones to call it that :LOL ) and has even gone as far as to get my two sons addicted. Ahhhhh, WoW and EQ . . . a mothers/wifes nightmare.
post #37 of 193
d
post #38 of 193
In response to the question about the "talking to him about it" I agree to some extent about the comment earlier made "We have other problems too" My only response to this is, that can be a cop out for it all also. "Stop playing? WHy What are we doing to do?" That's a common one. I've used it. When you start playing games you stop having common things to do as often. This has taken a lot of work for me. For a while, we "forced ourselves" to hang out (notice the big quotes) By forced I mean, we went to the mall and just screwed around. Stop at a movie, grab some lunch, point at all the stuff in Williams Sonoma you can't afford, go into the gaming store and point at all the games that are coming out. It stops being so "forceD" once you do it and it's a pleasant atmosphere. If it's just "Get off that damn game and take the kid, clean the house, fix the ceiling fans." I can see where somebody would keep doing their own thing.

It took me going cold turkey with it for about a year to get my priorities straight. I'm now back to playing games and sometimes I play too long, but I've made enough ground rules for myself that I don't break. (notice that sentence, it's important. I made them for _myself_. I don't join raiding guilds, I don't agree to things I know can overlap with things our family needs.

And to the man who was saying "Your reputation on the server.." Don't play for a week and see how many times your phone rings or your email box shows an email. I've been there and done that.. Your reputation is gone in an instant no matter what you do. I recognize the pitfalls of WOW, I see that it has the potential to be bad news for me. I don't participate in those facets of it. If the way I'm able to play isn't sufficient, I'll go get another game with a pause button. There are just too many games out there that the only way to enjoy gaming is to play in High End Instances.

I'm not advocating stopping playing at all for anyone, I'm saying that there is a middle ground. Both sides have to take a step in for it to happen.
post #39 of 193
As a PhD student living in Cleveland away from all my friends, WoW is the only way I can keep in contact with people who are in programs in Cincinnatti, Tallahassee, Columbus, and elsewhere. I don't go to the bars, dont watch sports--I spend all my time either teaching, working on my exams, or being a father and husband. WoW is literally the only social contact I have outside of school. I am reasonable, and only play for spurts when the kids are asleep a few times a week. If you fear being a WoWW, make a compromise: if your DH is still lvl'ing his char. have him agree to only play while the char. is rested--he earns experience better that way anyhow. If he is lvl 60 and only concerned with raiding have him pull back a bit. Molten Core and BlackWing Lair take a long time, are full of good loot, but don NOT have to be done EVERY week. And finally, remember: there are worse ways for him to spend his time.

First love: Annakiss
Second: Eurydice; server: Mal'Ganis, guild: Aftermath
post #40 of 193
Thread Starter 
Ooohh I struggle with this continuously.

Now I'm at this place where (thanks to this thread) I'm understanding DH's reasons for playing ... I've gotten some good pointers here about how to better approach him while he's playing ... I really just can't get over the fact that for me it really feels like he's doing it far too much. I have come to realize that it is his coping mechanism for stress, and I back off a lot when I think he's stressed. But, I don't feel like he's done the same for me ya know? I think he's changed a lot of things, helps in the house some, works his cute behind off ... he deserves time to play around. I just can't get over the fact that I don't have any similar time ... and in fact, my *study* time is often totally nonexistent or compromised because of this game. Not play time, not time to relax - study time.

Honestly, some of what DH had to say earlier in this thread I just don't agree with. His gaming is not moderate at all, as the other adult living in our home it certainly doesn't feel like he makes an effort to spend time with us (the boy and me). He absolutely does wake-up and go straight for the game, and will stay there all day now. Today we all took a nap and he woke up literally 15 minutes before he had to leave for work. He didn't even talk to me before jumping on the computer and spending that time trying to kill some creature. I know he's stressed-out so I try to give him his space but the questions remain - when will he give me my space to be alone and relax? When will he spend time with us without acting like it's a chore? Why does he seem to prefer this game to his family?

DH can say what he will ... but I still feel like he's ignoring us. It's not about finances, it's not about time, it's not about household duties ... it's about just sitting around and being WITH your family, not being physically present and off in some fantasy world mentally. I don't want him to quit playing, but I certainly deserve more than I get from him right now. I understand that DH is stressed and has anxiety issues, but that is not an excuse for ignoring your wife. I feel completely ignored, totally lonely. I call my sisters on the phone and talk their ears off every day because I have no one to talk to. He's sitting right in the other room, but whenever I try to interact with him he either doesn't listen or asks me to get him a drink.

Sorry ... I'm frustrated about this today. I'm trying so hard to be understanding, but fact of the matter is I feel like crap.

Edited to add : I feel terrible about this because it makes me so mad at DH. This post came across pretty angry because that's how I'm feelin today ... I love DH very much and he is a good husband and wonderful father. Sometimes though, I really feel like he loves his computer more than me.
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