Parenting with a chronic illness aka Am I asking too much of my girls?

[Ruthla]

Is anybody else here coping with a chronic illness while raising a family? I have fibromyalgia, and these past few days, it's been flaring up. It's been a struggle just to stay awake all day until I can put the kids to bed.

There are days when I can't bend down or reach up, and it's hard to move at all. I'm just so overwhelmed and not sure how I'm going to make it. I also feel like I'm cheating my kids out of a normal childhood- I can't run around outside with my kids most of the time. I'm only occasionally capable of going for walks with them. I need my girls to empty the dishwasher, since its too much bending for me. There are also plenty of times when I tell them "If you want cookies, I can put them in the oven and take them out again, but you need to do EVERYTHING else." Then I get angry and resentful when they don't clean up, and it's often 2 days later before the table is totally cleared up again.

[starlein26]

don't beat yourself up! this is just the life your girls have, and you're their wonderful mother. i know you must feel really guilty but you shouldn't. you enjoy them the way you can, and vica versa. i doesn't sound like you're asking to much based on their ages...although it doesn't sound like they do it anyway. :LOL
have you thought of hiring someone to help you out for those days you have more difficulty. i know it's expensive but it's my only advice really! other than keep up the good work!

[Altair]

My mom has CFIDS (very severe case, limited mobility). She has had it since I was 5. I think I might have posted in another thread someone (you?) asked about this.

All i can say is that as a child, i understood. I knew she was doing her best. I helped out a lot, and never felt resentful. I WISHED she could come shopping with me or go to my school functions, but she played MORE with me that any other mom I knew! All my friends wanted to come over my house b/c my mom would make up a silly game. (It just didn't involve her moving, ha). They'd leave saying "Man, i wish MY mom played with me like that!"

Just focus on what you CAN do with your kids and make it good.

[Snowbaby]

The more your girls understand WHY you can't help them or run around outside, the easier it'll be for them to handle it. At their age, they can understand a lot and it can help them tremendously to know that your illness is a family issue and that you really can't do these things , it's not that you don't want to.

[Alana]

I just want to say that I understand. Since dd was born in Feb 2004 I have felt HORRID. Finally just last week I was diagnosed with fibro. I have 3 children that are 5 and under. I have lots of feelings of guilt associated with what I cant do with them. I LOVE going on nature walks and exploring....but last time we tried I barely made it back. Going outside to play is exhausting too...my 18mo always runs off into the neighbors yards or towards the street. Sometimes I just want to push myself...but I know that if I do I will be in bed for a week, and I hate that. But I also have to remember my dad...who had MS and was 50 when I was born, and raised me as a single dad, after mom ran off. He always stayed positive, did what he could...even if it was driving to the park and staying in the car while I played. On really bad days he would sit on the porch and talk to people walking by...usually wound up being their counselor! :LOL I never felt deprived, I always knew dad loved me and he made sure that I was able to pursue my interests. He used to sit in the car for 3 hours a few times a week when I rode my horse. He just brought a good book! I wish he was still around to talk to about this...he passed in '98 of cancer.

[octobermom]

My mother has severe crippling Arthritis and DB and I just grew up knowing that we had to help a ton. Honestly families adjust and cope. The only complaint I can think of from my Childhood is if one of us physically hurt our selfs (like fell or twisted an ankle type) then we couldn't complain because we still couldn't be in as much pain as she was. : So as long as your open to your childrens helps suggestions and willing to respectfully address there complaints I think your doing fine.

Deanna

[Lucky Charm]

Ruth, I am not a chronically ill mama, but reading your post, I can see why you are frustrated. But, please, do not feel guilty. It is not your fault you're ill. And from your post, its not like your sick like this everyday, just with flareups.

I think kids are more understanding than we give them credit for.

[EnviroBecca]

It will be okay! Add me to the list of people who had a parent w/chronic illness and don't resent it: My mom had serious spinal problems requiring surgeries when I was 5 and 8, followed by many hours in traction at home, followed by occasional episodes of pain ever since. It was kind of sad when she couldn't pick me up anymore, but it was just the way things were. I have a few ideas that may be helpful:

1. Let go of the guilt. It is not your fault that you have an illness. Feeling bad about it won't accomplish anything good and may actually make your health worse. Try to think of your debilitating episodes as things that just happen, like snowstorms: It is not your fault that it's snowing, and there is no point in being upset that it's snowing, so focus on getting the crucial things to happen despite the weather and let the less important things wait until the thaw.

2. Try to let go of resentment of your kids, too. Remember that when you're having a difficult day and need some slack, that makes it a difficult day for them too, and they also need some slack. However...

3. It sounds like you're not asking too much of your girls; you may even be asking too little. At their ages, they each should have responsibility for at least one daily chore necessary to the functioning of the household (like the dishwasher) that they do no matter how you're feeling. When you're having a bad day, they should be able to pitch in and do some of the things you normally would do. My brother and I both feel that our early experience doing chores (for example, he was entirely responsible for the family's laundry beginning at age 7) made us feel competent and important in the family, as well as making those skills second nature by the time we set out on our own.

4. Don't try to hide it when you are in pain. Don't expect that it is obvious. Be straightforward about what you need. When the kids ask you to do something you can't do right now, resist the "How dare you ask such a thing of me?" tone and try to say gently, "I wish I could do that today. I know you don't like it when I can't do things. I don't like it either."

5. When you do feel better, try to work into your agenda some of the things your kids have been wanting you to do, and try to OFFER to do one of those before they ask. I know (as a victim of frequent major headaches) that it's tempting when you finally feel better to leap into "accomplishing things" left and right at high speed...but remember that the stress of that can cause a rebound, and remember that being a fun mama to your kids IS accomplishing something.

Good luck!