Originally Posted by donosmommy04
I'm not a TCS expert at all, but from what I have gathered from this discussion, I think the difference here would be that a TCS parent would be discussing with their children the ramifications of not cleaning their room, not saving money, and not being courteous and punctual...letting them know how it would impact them and others around them, and giving them alternative ideas to get things done...I'm not sure if your mom did that, but from the way you described it above, this sounds like a "hands-off" parenting style instead of one that would work with the child to help them make their own decisions.
Here's what I said:
she never coerced me to clean my room -- she just let me live in whatever level of pigsty I could endure. When I was old enough to earn money, she never coerced me into saving any of it, she just let me blow it each week on whatever I felt like buying. She never coerced me to be punctual so I always showed up for appointments whenever I felt like it.
"Hands off" or "TCS"? Aren't we just using different *labels* here?
Certainly, I was given the choices. I saw my mom cleaning the rest of the house. Playing was more fun. I saw my parents paying bills. Spending my money on me was more fun. Given the chance, why not take the fun route? Nobody said I had to do otherwise, so why not do what appeared to be most advantageous to me at the time? I think you'd have to search pretty hard for a kid that preferred chores and saving to playing and having money to spend.
Now, you can interpret my situation as MY parents didn't do all the proper TCS things and give me a big song and dance about how I *ought* to save money and do chores. But if they never said I *had* to... why on earth would I have? And that's how I wound up without a *clue* as to how to be a grown up.
The thing is, I don't see "you only have to do X if you want to" as a teaching moment at all... not if when you grow up, you HAVE to do X. That's not treating a child as an adult (which is what TCS seems to ostensibly be about), that's giving a child special "get out of jail free" status. It's like taking children's responsibilities UNseriously. Which makes for a rude awakening upon adulthood, when you figure out you can't just always play all day long.