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PLease tell me why 3 kids is "better" than 2...

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
We pretty much decided that 2 kids is the PERFECT number for us! I'm so lucky to have a wonderful, happy heathy son and daughter and was just starting to think about doing a few things that I would enjoy doing for myself (like excercising once in a while or leaving the house by myself) and I was especially looking forward to going back to school to be a nurse practictioner (I'm a non-working RN now).... sorry if all this sounds selfish, but I just took three pregnancy tests and they were all positive.

I'm kind of numb about the whole thing right now. We've just moved cross country from NY (where all our family is) to TX last month and DH has a new job and there's plenty of stress for both of us right now.

I don't know when/how to even tell him and who knows, maybe it's a false positive? (three times)

Two children is so wonderful -- I just don't want them to have to share me even more. I'm from a family of 6 and although I like it, I see know that things would have been so much different if I were one of two. I want to be able to give my two children more (not just physical stuff and extra fun classes and stuff like that but most importantly TIME ) There's only so many hours and kids need so much one on one attention.

If we have three kids we'll have to get different cars because you can't fit three car seats next to each other. And there are so many family activities (family passes too) that are just set up so perfectly for the family of FOUR//// I know some of this might sound awful but I just feel like my great life is being over turned...

I guess I should just hang low with my little stowe-away,,, I'm only 5wks LMP (3wks gestation)... no need to get too worked up, right.?

Please tell me how wonderful it is to have 3 kids...
post #2 of 32
I think you need a really big ((HUG)).

I have 3 kids. I love them dearly. DD#1 was planned, dd#2 was not, ds was planned (although it took a lot of discussions). I remember not being prepared for our second. I was devestated. I remember walking down the stairs with 5month old dd in one hand and the pg test in the other. I was in tears and in shock. With ds he was planned, but we took our time. After the girls we were done and we got rid of all our "stuff". Then we had a mc and we were both devastated. We had been humming and hawing for years about trying for a boy always coming back to "we are just getting our lives back", then we get pg and loose it and it hurt so much. That's when we realized that we weren't done. I'm sure if we hadn't lost it then we would be going through the same feelings you are. Trying to get pg after the mc gave us time to mentally prepare I guess.

Now, life is busy. Money is tight. It's hard to balance everyones needs. There is caos all day long and the only time it's quiet is when they are all sleeping. I LOVE IT!!! Somedays I want to run away, but then I realize that I would be missing on all the wonderful moments as well as the moments that make me want to pull my hair out. The biggest help is that I teach the girls independance with teeth, pj's and they do have chores. Everyone helps out because it's just too much for one person. We did have to get a new car, which sucks because we really didn't want to payment but we manage. The house is always a mess. Not dirty, but messy. I can pick things up but half an hour later it's a disaster again.

I am also wanting a degree in nursing. I will be working on it while I'm at home with ds over the next few years. When he's in school then I will be to. I excersize in the morning. That's right 6am at the gym. Honestly, I love it and prefer it. It really wakes me up and I am full of well needed energy all day long. It's hard to adjust everything again, but it's well worth it.
post #3 of 32
The only number of kids that is 'good' is the number that is right for you and your dp.

There is no sense in listening to anyone else but each other.
post #4 of 32
Originally Posted by cjr
Now, life is busy. Money is tight. It's hard to balance everyones needs. There is caos all day long and the only time it's quiet is when they are all sleeping. I LOVE IT!!! Somedays I want to run away, but then I realize that I would be missing on all the wonderful moments as well as the moments that make me want to pull my hair out.
I am shaking my head...while I am agreeing with what you have shared cjc!!
Thank you for your honesty.

This is so true...
I have two birth children and a few teenagers that are foster children. I long to have another baby...to birth another baby. And sometimes reality hits and I feel different. But then I listen to my heart....
My heart says very different. We have "enough" to provide all the love for another child. That is what it all comes down to for me.

Hope that makes sense.
post #5 of 32
Ok, your youngest is a year/ So as far as going back to school etc you only have one year until you are back where you are now.

I concieved my last about a week after we decided we just couldn't do this again. Incidentally that was the week after the big commitment rummage. you know there one where you get rid of al your baby stuff to prove you are committed to not having any more children :LOL

She is just the sweetest thing. her birth was a hoot, he spirit is delightful, my oldest two just worship her. Really I thought our family weas complete and I couldn't possibly handle another one but she has been nothign but joy and has really brought out the best in us all.

if it makes you feel any better transitioning from 2-3 was easier than 1-2. also parenting the third has by far been the easiest. There is something to be said about experiance

I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
post #6 of 32
I have to agree with UUmom ... there is no "magic" perfect number for some couples the magic number is truely 0, this i personally cant imagine but it's so for some. many these days feel 2 is a perfect number, a boy and a girl. My hubby and i have 8 between the 2 of us, 4boys and 4 girls and are expecting in dec(we think twins but have no "official diagnosis") call us crazy but... we're trying to think how far out to plan another 1 or 2. We both always wanted a huge family.. 10-12 kids and neither of us thought we'd ever get it.. it took blending 2 families and adding to.. but we will have 9 at least if not 10 in a couple months.

I can understand how you are feeling though.. even though we want this huge family, we just moved to charlotte, nc SOLELY, so i could go to a massage school that i wanted to go to to become a massage therapist, my ultimate goal is to be a holistic healer if you will, massage being the "normally accepted" along with being a nutritional counselor, i'm also a certified herbalist and plan to become a master herbalist or possibly a naturopath, i cant decide yet and a MW.. prefering HB. Obviously i have high schooling hopes as well Keep in mind, you have 9 months, you can always pick up PT classes right now, just because you have a baby doesnt mean your dreams and goals must stop... many colleges offer online, corrospondance and evening classes, it may take you an extra year to acheive your goal, depending how much you'd need anyway to become a nurse practitioner... your possible new one will likley be nearly ready for school by the time you complete the courses! You could likely even find PT employent as a nurse practitionerif you wanted but also wanted to be mostly home with the newest one.. of course thats a lil way off

When my mom got preg with my lil sis(13yrs after me and being told there was no way she could get preg) she just told everyone... God must know just what i can handle and i guess i need HUGE gaps betweeen children. Now occassionally i question him(26 yrs old with 9-10 children??? ), but i believe the same. I"m not "pushing my religion" on anyone.. but i would suggest that if you do believ in God... ask him about it.

unexspected additions can throw us for a loop thats for sure!!! I was totally thrown when i learned i was preg with my #3, #2 was 7 months old and i found out when i went to the hospital cause i broke my foot... i'd planed to wait till #2 was about 2 to start TTC#3.... she is 5 now and i cant imagine a minute of the last 5 years if she hadnt been part of it... the children and i have been thru alot and ther were times i wanted to give up, but she's been there and always seemed to make me see the bright side, even if all she was doing was sleeping
perhaps thinking back on the joys and also seeing how you can still reach your goals will make things a lil easier to soak in.

best of luck
post #7 of 32
Its true that #3 doesn't get as much of ME as the first 2, but she gets way more love and attention in general. My boys just adore her and spend hours talking or singing to her, playing with her, making her laugh. She has the biggest, most expressive eyes and the sweetest little laugh. Some days are hard, but it is so worth it All of us have benefitted so much from having her in our lives.
post #8 of 32
Chiming in as a mama who only wanted 2 for all the reasons you mentioned above . . . . and got 3 more on her second try! I had 2 trimesters of anger and 1 trimester of fear . . . . and nothing but awe thereafter at my 3 little ones. I would have never had 4 kids of my own choice (and both my dh and I were 1 of 4 kids) -- not enough mommy to go around -- so I thought. After hours of pondering, our conclusion has been -- that some babies just want to be born - regardless of what you want -- and there must be something really special about them!

Give yourself time to digest the news - it takes time to see the blessings in our lives. A fellow triplet mom sent me this quote once -- "Once you stop wishing you had the life you thought you wanted, you can get busy living the wonderous life that is waiting for you" . . . . I love that.
post #9 of 32
I never planned to have another baby. I had 2 from my first marriage, my new dh had a teenager from his first. Three months after we tied the knot we found out that the generic bcp had failed. We were settled, things were routine, almost predictable. How could we do this again?

Well, Liam wasn't planned, but he is certainly not unwanted. I quit my office job where I was climbing the ladder quickly to SAH. I now take care of other people's children in addition to my own. My life is chaotic and noisy. I take an SSRI to help with PPD. I wash 15-20 loads of laundry a week and run the dishwasher daily. My queen sized bed sees many visitors. I do all of my reading in the bathroom in 10 minute increments. I rarely wear makeup or fix my hair. I sing Twinkle Twinkle daily and I look forward to 10:30 because Oobie is on. MY only time that is mine is the 37 minutes I take to go work out 3 nights a week.....no, this isn;t what I had planned when I got my business degree, but it is my life. And I wouldn't change a thing. I love it. And, I love my dh for buying me sporty wheels for my "uterus on wheels" minivan.
post #10 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for your wonderful words and stories. I guess the biggest thing is first adjusting to this new idea. And rearranging the plans I thought I had. I'll just have to stay positive and relaxed -- I guess it all really does work out in the end

I just have no idea how to break the news to my husband (we're pretty close and usually talk about everything/anything) but I just know this news is going to be so stressful on him (with a new job and transferring out of state and $ being tight)... I think I'll try to hold off a bit,.... OK, we all know how hard it is to keep this sort of news to ourselves!!!

At least I don't have any "bad" preg symptoms! My other two pregnancies and births were GREAT!
post #11 of 32
Try not to worry too much about the money. Each child was much cheaper than the one before simply because we had the "stuff" and you realize just how few things a baby or toddler really need. We were trying for our third, but I was still apprehensive once I got that positve pregnancy test -- life with two was so great, had I just messed everything up? Of course, now that #3 is 18 months I can't imagine our life without him. There is so much love in the house that I don't worry about him getting less mommy time than my first simply because he gets extra attention from his brothers. Heck, he doesn't know any different.

Once the third gets here, you will wonder how you lived without him/her.

(btw, we loved having three so much that we are trying for #4 now. )
post #12 of 32
I understand what you mean, and I have three. I would feel that way if I discovered #4 was on the way. I felt like my hands were full with 2, but for some reason #3 just had to be. My hands are even more full and I say to myself *some* days "why weren't we more careful? Isn't it obvious I can't handle three kids?!" Then there are the days where I am in tears over the beautyof seeing all of them laughing and playing together.

I have two things to say mostly, that have been true for me. First, I think that when you are just looking at those two lines on the test and thinking about all the practicalities it is overwhelming and you can't imagine how it will be, etc. etc. It is impossible at this point to think about the *person* you have co-created. You may be satisfied with the number of children that you have now, as I was, but soon (may take a while) you will be able to get in touch with your feelings for this person and you will know that your life would be empty without him/her. YOu could ask my brother. THey had 2 kids and had scheduled his vasectomy when she turned up pregnant just 3 months after their second was born. Oh what turmoil they went through! Fast forward to when "Baby#3" is four years old and they discover he has cancer. He died 2 years later after a very brave fight. I have SO often thought about how they wondered how in the heck they would deal with all their kids, the difficult pregnancy and bedrest, all the sicknesses and stress of life and transitions happening.... but what they wouldn't give today to have that third child back again to make their family complete. I say all that just to say hang on 'til the reality of the person inside you becomes real; then it will all be different.

The other thing is thinking outside the box. I mean, now you are a mother of two. You aren't just adding more to what you're doing and staying in the same box. Your reality will be different. You will use some of the same skills you have, but you will learn new ones a step at a time that are ONLY applicable to mothering 3. It's a new box and it is good and just right for you if that is what you have. Examine why you feel you need to be that certain kind of mommy to them. Where is that belief coming from? There are happy adults that come from small families and big families. What are the necessary ingredients? It may not be what you think. AND when they are grown and you and DH are gone, they will still have each other and you will be just a memory. What do you want to give them beyond just you?
post #13 of 32

I fit 3 carseats next to each other in 2 different cars.

3 IS better than 2, way way better. I always say "have 1 or three or more." never 2!!

the reasons:

a 3rd child dillutes tension between the first 2. It dillutes competition. It will stop parents/ grandparents/ relative/ friends from constantly comparing the 2. "So and so is the quiet one, so and so is the noisy one." Nonsense like that.

3 forces them to learn to share. You can always tell when a kid is from a family with 3 or more kids. They share better, has been my impression.

You can have a party without inviting anyone.

just my 2 cents. congratulations!!!!!!
post #14 of 32
i love my three. my first was a "not not trying" baby, my second a huge surprise, and my third was planned. i had many many moments, even though she was planned, where i broke down in tears like "how am i going to do this, i am spread so thin as it is"... but having my littlest, i can't imagine life without her. she is such a big squishy delightful part of my life, and i am so blessed to have her with me. no matter how crazy my days are, i have some very welcome and needed moments where she crawls into my lap for a hug and i just go

i have moments like this with my other two, and they are all so different and lovely...

yes, my days are very VERY busy. yes, they fight over toys sometimes. yes, i had to give up my little subaru sedan in favor of a big ugly unreliable ford. yes, i have moments where they all NEED something at the same time, and the baby is screaming while the 3 year old missed the toilet, and the five year old is "cooking" in the kitchen. BUT... you deal with it as best you can because at the end of the day you have three little ones that would rather snuggle with mommy over just about anything else.

how it is easier with three than with two? my older two play together when i have to nurse the baby to sleep. my son is a HUGE help with the baby in ways that my three year old can't really help ("adam quick! i need a baby wipe!!!"). the baby LOVES her two siblings and is really interested in everything they do to the point where i can actually go to the bathroom alone and the baby doesn't try to follow me! (or i can post on mdc, haha) i have three kids to hug and kiss instead of two.

it will definately help though, to make sure you and your SO arrange some regular down time for you... a yoga class, or a long shower, or whatever you enjoy. and get a sling (or wrap, whatever) that you LOVE. it is amazing how much easier it has been to have my littlest in the mei tai on my back while doing the dishes or going for a walk or doing the shopping... it's really not any more difficult than it is with two when you have your hands free.
post #15 of 32
I have three and it is a challenge, but a joy as well. I really can't imagine life without my little guy. he has such a personality and his sister and brother have loved him to death since he was born.

I did wonder what I had gotten myself into when I was newly pg with my third. That first trimester tiredness really wiped me out and with a 4 year old and 2 year old it was tough. Bedrest also wasn't easy with 2 kids, but we got through it.

I also had thought about going back to school, I also am a non working RN, but decided to just wait until my youngest was a little older.

I hope everything works out for you.
post #16 of 32
Once your little one arrives you won't need to worry about 3 suiting you or not because you will be 3 and that is how it will be. I don't mean that in a bad way; life will throw you other chances and your excitement will grow and grow and you wont know what your dh thinks until you tell him!

Honestly, dd has not cost us much money - yet. We have an old Renault with 3 rows of seats and a tiny car for 'lonely' journeys. We are all squeezed in a small house and don't go to theme parks or places like that. We have a family membership to the National Trust so we can visit loads of ancient buildings and stately homes and take picnics with us. There are more 2+3 deals out there than you think once you start looking.

I wish I had another sibling; my sis drives me nuts sometimes and I wish there was someone else to turn to for a contrast!

So we have 3 but are planning for a fourth.......................
post #17 of 32
Thread Starter 
It's great hearing all this positive stuff about families with three! Makes this adjustment a bit easier for me knowing I'm not the only one to have #3 sneak up!
Well, I'm from a family of 6 kids so I guess I can do this just fine...
But I think I'm off to make a vas. appointment for DH!
post #18 of 32
This is also true with my kids:
my older two play together when i have to nurse the baby to sleep. my son is a HUGE help with the baby in ways that my three year old can't really help ("adam quick! i need a baby wipe!!!")
Of course, it's "Patrick," not "Adam." I think that having our third has been really good for my older two. They are playing together more and getting along better. I've also noticed that ds#1 is a lot more helpful with dd now than he was.
post #19 of 32
My first was planned, my second was kind of planned, she just came along a couple years earlier than planned. The third was totally unexpected. We were perfectly happy with just 2, our family wad complete and Rachael was getting bigger and we were looking forward to her being older and being able to do more adventurous things again. Then I found out I was pregnant with number 3. It took me weeks to accept the pregnancy test (my husband was very happy, much happier than I was). But as the weeks went by I got very excited, especially when I started feeling those kicks!

Now that Ariel is here, and has been for almost 8 months now, I wouldn't trade her for the WORLD. I can't say the same for all third babies, but she is very happy, easygoing, self entertains VERY well. I am a much more relaxed parent. My second was colicky and cried for very much of the day and long stretches of the evening. By contrast, Ariel rarely cries. Her big brother, who is 4, adores her and is happy to play with her.

While I did have to reset the "when we can do things" clock, thankfully by only 18 months, I found adjusting to the third baby MUCH MUCH easier than adjusting to having 2 children. For one, your current children are already used to sharing you with eachother and you are used to dividing your time between them. I think Ariel self entertains so well because she LOVES, i mean absolutely lives to watch her older siblings play. She laughs more for her big brother, Trevor, than for me!

Really, all around it was an easier adjustment for me. I don't feel like my children ever get the short end of the stick, so to speak. While Rachael seems a little jealous and she pinches and scratches (she also does it to every, not just little sis) I don't feel like she is lacking in attention from me. Really, our family is very complete with 3! That was kind of rambly, but I hope it helped a bit. Congrats!
post #20 of 32
I grew up one of three (have a fabulous sister and a wonderful brother). I never have really thought about WHY three was good.... it just was. And dh and I chose to have three ourselves.

With two, if one kid is off on a playdate, the other wants to go or feels left out. With three, there are still two kids at home to play together. You get more than one "way" to practice sharing. There is not as much pressure on any one person to be the other sibling's support, or the parents' helpers when that time comes.

I don't think I am explaining it very well but three is the way to go!! Once you have three, you will wonder why you didn't plan it that way.
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