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I want a BABY!

post #1 of 11
12/19/02 at 4:09pm
Thread Starter 
As some of you know, I'm currently on my 4th cycle of TTC #2. With dd we got pregnant on the cycle we tried. I know that it is perfectly normal for it to take up to 1 year to get pregnant, but I alway just assumed it would be a easy this time as it was last time. (well you know what they say about assuming things : )

I'm so down today! I work as a pt bookkeeper for a birth-center. In the last 10 days, we have had 7 births! The last one was born just as I opened the door to my office this morning. I got to hear his first cry. I just stood there and felt so overwhelmed with emotions. I just started to cry. (thankfully everyone else was in the birth room!) I want a baby! I want to hear that cry for my own child!

I don't know what is wrong with me today! I feel so lonely and empty right now. I know that I should be happy for all the wonderful things I have in my life and grateful for the beautiful dd I already have, but... I don't know. I'm usually so upbeat.

I just wanted to talk to you wonderful women. I know that you understand how I feel today even if no else does. I am very grateful for this supportive community.

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post #2 of 11
12/19/02 at 5:07pm
Such a normal feeling. Many women feel the pangs of an empty womb. My heart goes out to you and my arms come with a warm cyber hug from someone who's felt your pain.
post #3 of 11
12/19/02 at 5:26pm
Sizzkid,
I don't know your age, but I think it takes a little longer to conceive in your 30s than it was in your 20s. We also conceived first month with dd1 and dd2. (I was 26 and 30 then.) But this time it took five months (I am 33.) Was disappointing not to conceive right away when I expected to from past experience. Try not to worry about it. It will happen!
Kirsten
post #4 of 11
12/19/02 at 7:02pm
Sizzkid,
I'm also on my fourth cycle TTC. With my first two pregnancies (one miscarried) I conceived right away. For me, what is so hard about it taking longer is the not knowing if it's going to be a couple more months or a couple more years. Especially after my miscarriage, I know I should just go with the flow, but it is hard not to be disappointed.
I'll be crossing my fingers for you.
post #5 of 11
12/19/02 at 7:32pm
I know just how you feel! I got a BFN today, and even tho I had been thinking it was unlikely to be +, I'm sad and worried. It's been 3-1/2 months since we started trying, but this is only the 2nd cycle because I don't ovulate very often. My last period started Nov. 4, and I just don't know when I will O again. I know worrying about it won't help and the stress actually might make things worse, but it's so hard not to hyper-scrutinize everything I do!

I feel very strongly that I shouldn't take fertility pills or anything like that unless I really have given it a fair try for at least a year. But the fact that I wasn't conceived until my mom took Clomid, and that she had a similar pattern of infrequent cycles, makes me worry that I'll inevitably end up going down that road. I feel so guilty for even contemplating it when the world already has so many babies who need good homes! But we both really want our own biological child, and I really want the experiences of pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding.

It hasn't even been that long, but already I just can't stand it!!! What will it be like if I'm still trying a year from now?!

My parents are 30 years older than I am, which is neat (the round numbers make it easy to figure out how old they are now, what year they were my age, etc.) so I always wanted my baby to be 30 years younger than me. I have 3 more months to make a baby that's 30 calendar years younger, 8 more months to make him/her arrive before I turn 31. I know it's silly to put pressure on myself for such an arbitrary goal, but...but I've been fantasizing about motherhood, "planning" my children's names and birthdates, since I was 7 years old!!! Now that the time is finally here, it's hard to let go of all those years of "plans".

Well. God will send me a child when the time is right. To everything there is a season, and you can't make spring come any faster by peeling the coverings off the buds or shaking the branch yelling, "Bloom, damn it!" I am so lucky to have found a man I wholeheartedly want to be my child's father, and to have reached a position in life where I can afford to raise a child, and to have a house that's big enough and free of lead paint and everything, and to have already learned so many things that will help me to be a good mother. PATIENCE AND JOY should dominate my mind, not worry and doubt.

But still, I feel like I've been peppily thinking, "A year from now, I could have a 3-month-old baby!" FOREVER, and there's no end in sight. Sigh...
post #6 of 11
12/19/02 at 8:00pm
Hi Sizzkid, that's pretty much how I feel.

Dd showed up after one month of trying and so the problem with not conceiving immediately is that panicky feeling of: oh no, if not now, when? what if it's years? what if there's something wrong?

Well, af is due Saturday, so I will try to be patient until then. And it's true what you say, I should remember to be thankful for the beautiful dd I do have.

"Bloom, damn it!!" Thanks EnviroBecca, for putting a funny face on a sad feeling!
post #7 of 11
12/19/02 at 11:58pm


I have felt your anguish, your sadness, your confusion, your frustration...Just wanted to let you know it WILL happen...

Mamasoleil
post #8 of 11
12/20/02 at 6:41pm
EnviroBecca~ I'm right there with you.

This was also our 3rd month of ttc #1 and AF showed up yesterday.blah.
It's getting really hard. I started charting and preparing physically and mentally for ttc well over a year ago. I guess I never thought that it wouldn't happen right away, I definitely thought it would happen in under 3 months. I'm over 30 (not that much though) and everyone keeps telling me it's perfectly normal for it take several months. But it's still really making me feel sad.

and sizzkid~ I know how feel about babies. Within the past two weeks my best friend and my sil have given birth, and two of my next door neighbors have announced pregnancies. It makes me feel small to admit it, and I am happy for all of them, but I find that I just can't feel quite as joyous as I know I normally would.
I guess if I just could know that it would happen. . .
post #9 of 11
12/23/02 at 3:41am
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for your warm and kind responses. I'm feeling much better now. Af came to visit on Friday so that was probably part of my emotional outburst. My dh had to work late so I went to my mom's house and she made me comfort food (beef stew and homemade bread) and I relaxed on the sofa with a book, tea and a soft blanket while she entertained my dd. Everyone needs a mommy now and then!

EnviroBecca- Thank you for the laugh and the gentle reminder to be patient...not my best virtue.

Everyone - It's so nice to know I can vent my frustrations here and be understood. Thank you all for the support and I hope I can return it when you need it.

May the new year bring us all new life!
post #10 of 11
12/23/02 at 2:31pm
My heart goes out to you. I am sending some baby dust your way. ****************

Gossamer
post #11 of 11
12/23/02 at 4:27pm
Sizzkid, I don't know how you do it, working around babies all day. I get jealous just seeing a pregnant woman in the grocery store! Well, those pregnant vibes will wear off on you soon enough!
Steph

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