Kids and music - how do you help them make good choices?

[Ms. Mom]

I can't beleive it, but ds's 2nd grade classmates know all the words to Eminem songs I just can't see letting my 7 yo. listen to it? I've listened to it and NO WAY would I like him to.

Also, He likes some really raunch 'hootchy' music that his buddies told him about. I listened to the radio station that playes it and it's all about meaningless sex, doing drugs and killing gang members

What do you do when his buddies parents let them listen? I feel like the warden: Mind you these are the same kids who's parents told me they would not let 'their child' get his ear pierced! Ok, a hole in a kids ear is evil, but music about gang fight and rape is ok

Anyone else going through this? What have you done?

[~member~]

I gave up. She now has two NAS cd's, two eminem cd's, and two Jean Wyclef cd's. Those are just the ones with the 'most' swearing/stuff I would rather she not hear. But...I gave up. Now I just put all my energy into teaching her about swearing and how it hurts others feelings, etc. i have to say, I am quite glad I did. She really has a super sense of empathy. We also discuss how ppl talk about other ppl, and how sometimes its nice and sometimes its not and if someone says something to her about someone else, that she has the right to tell them she doesn't want to participate in a conversation that is hurtful. That even when we hear hurtful words that are not 'intended' to hurt us, they still do.
Oh, the conversations we have : i guess, just because I didn't want to have them, doesn't mean that they aren't important, right?
Anyways, she does a good job of 'editing' and only listens to the songs that are on the radio plus one or two, not that those aren't enough for conversation lol!
All in all, I figure it's not something that will 'go away' and I may as well deal with it now, you know?
Good luck finding a solution that works for you and yours!

[Stacie]

I'm so glad my kids are into "country music"...

[Ms. Mom]

MITB - thanks for your response. How old is you dd? I know there will come a time when he'll listen to what he wants no matter what. I don't want to censor him, but he's 7. I just think that's too young? How old was she when you 'gave up'?

I know there will come a time. I just want to know when that is.

[~member~]

I gave up three months ago (basically, when dd#2 was born) lol! DD is 6 yrs old. In this day and age, it is so hard to 'keep' them from all of it, kwim? We live in the 'middle-of-nowhere' and when we are in the grocers, she starts singing that eminem song about cleaning out the closet and four other children join in and are singing along with her! And I guess, I like that song by Wyclef Jean about 'two wrongs' don't make a right. Also, the 'one mic' by NAS. I dunno.:
Maybe I have taken the easier road, although I don't think so. Try explaining why a man would want to shoot his baby's mama or whatever to a six yr old. It gets hard, but I also think it teaches her a lot. Honestly, have you ever had a real converstaion about any of that stuff? I never did, and I often wonder what kind of person I would be today if I had, you know?
i have spent years in school 'learning', but no one ever sat me down and explained that there are some really bad ppl out there, that tv/media is NOT reality, that there are tons and tons of really good, loving, caring ppl out there, also, and that it is ok to not want to hear nor be around ppl who say negative things. That it is ok to leave a situation you are uncomfortable with. And I find that music has let me have these conversations with my dd. She did not have to be hurt by another person first, kwim?

[Ms. Mom]

Thank you so much. This is the kind of feedback I'm looking for. I go back and forth with my feelings on this.

I completely agree with you about being open about these kinds of things. We're pretty open at our house - my parents would NEVER have talked about these thing!

It's funny, we too tell the children about the differences between TV and real life. I guess my 4 yo. took it literally, because we went to a CD signing with the Goo Goo Dolls this summer. When they came in she said "Look mom, it's Robby and he's a REAL MAN. He is NOT a cartoon on TV, he's a REAL MAN!" :LOL

I'm still not sure how I feel completely. I do want ds to develop his own tast and style. Just trying to figure out where to draw the line?

Again, thank you, this is exactly the feed back I'm looking for!

Gently,

Jacque

[~member~]

Hello Jacque!
I just wanted to add that it is okay to decide that you don't want your ds to hear that kind of music. If you entered my home you would see our cd player and a really strange assortment of music (from Janis Joplin to NAS lol, we love Tracy Chapman just as much as we love Allison Krausse, we love our Osmosis Jones soundtrack and our O Brother soundtrack lol!), but you will not find a TV!! I have never had tv nor will I. A lot of ppl find me strange, that I would allow my child to listen to just about anything but will not allow a tv in my house. My dd has never sat down and watched tv.
Part of that, is the fact that our culture relies heavily on song and dance. Our entire history can be found in our songs and our dances.
I will also add that my mother never allowed me to have music. i grew up without a tv and without mainstream music, but i was raised very much in my tribe's culture. i sing, dance, and speak both of my native languages plus some lol!
I am very naive/ignorant(?) about tv characters/actors/actresses/media/music. Ppl like to make fun of me because I don't know who certain 'famous' ppl are. I still have no idea who exactly is Donald Trump and no one will tell me. I guess if I really cared I could do an internet search, you know? But living life is so much more important to me and I hope to pass that onto my children. i don't think music interupts that as much as tv does, kwim? Movies are a nice entrtainment, but I think they are too long sometimes, and I definitely stay away from horror and 'romance' type films. I love foreign films!

Okay, this got long, sorry!
Have you sat down and talked with your ds about if he even wants to listen to those types of music? Maybe introduce other music and see if he likes that better? My mom got a cd burner, so now I'll just have her burn the songs my dd likes so she doesn't have to bother 'editing' them herself, you know?

[Ms. Mom]

MITB, I really apprecaiat your response. Trust me, I do! I completely respect everything you're saying and I'm so glad you took the time to expain your reasoning to me.

I'm really putting some thought into this. I did listen to a few of his songs with DS and we talked about degrading women and violence. I think he has a clear concept of this. I just worry about him hearing it over and over, will it desensize him? Like watching violence on TV? (which I also don't let them do).

However, I catch him listening to the local Rap station on his headphones all the time. I don't want to be his warden and eventually, he's going to listen to what he wants. I do think being an active parent and guiding them through is best. I'm just trying to work out the "how" part.

Boy, raising kids can be so hard! You're daugher is so lucky to have a mom like you who cares so deeply.

So, are you American Indian? You speek of your 'tribe' and I'm curious now. You have so much to share here - thank you!

On a side note, I was in the car alone the other night and a DJ played the new Maryln Manson/Eminem song COMPLETELY unedited at the end of his shift. After the song his comment was "tune in tomorrow to see if I still have a job". Let's just say, the 'F' word was used in VERY creative ways -nope, ds WILL NOT be hearing that one anytime soon!

Gently with love,

Jacque

[amnesiac]

I like to think I'm pretty liberal & I'm sure there are lots of parents that would be really offended at some of the things my kids see & do. I know they watch plenty of movies that my SIL won't allow her ds see. BUT, I think exposure to a lot of the sci-fi stuff & the like is very different from the anti-social behaviors you mentioned (wife beating, gang killing, taking drugs, casual sex). I can go a long way, but that is something I just cannot allow. My boys are also 7, almost 8, and I tell them they are not allowed to see or listen to that crap because, plain & simple, those things are inappropriate behavior & we will not only not engage in those types of behaviors, but we will not contribute in any way to others engaging in them.

I think if I caught them listening to such stuff, I would give them the explanation & warning the first time. If they chose to do it again, knowing why it was not appropriate & knowing the consequences of that choice, I would take away the headphones & radio since he was clearly not responsible enough to handle the priveledge. I know some might think that's harsh, but that's the way it works at our house. If you abuse it, you lose it until you demonstrate responsibility.

I know there are a lot of nasty things in the world & we can't shield them from it, but I still think young children need a certain degree of innocence. My kids still believe in Santa & the Tooth Faerie & aren't that aware of gang violence & the like. I'd like to keep it that way for just a little while longer. "You must BE the change you want to see in the world" and I'd like a world where children don't have to know about all the real-life horrors.

[Ms. Mom]

I hear what you're saying! Both of you have such good information for me to process. I really appreciate both of you sharing your honest opinions. I'm not going to buy him a CD, but I'm listening to a few things on the radio at night and trying to be selective and honest with ds.

He had a guitar lesson today and his teacher said he doesn't like Rap Ds thinks this guy can walk on water, so maybe that will influence him

He did say he was good friends with Eminem's Keyboard player though and ds thought that was REALLY cool: So, we'll have to see how that plays out.

[Luma]

Hi MsMom! I was looking for some overtone singing and found a site that I though you might find interesting, maybe your ds too, theres a part where they explain how you can test music for its harmful or positive effects on you. Even if your ds still likes whatever music, just being aware is great imo. I think is a cool site!
http://www.healingmusic.net/SoundHea...me1Source1.htm

[amymarie]

I thought I would put in my 2 cents...even though my dd is only 3 I think of this often....what will I do when she wants to listen to gangster rap? I work in a record store and rap is by far the most common music we sale...and the majority of those who buy it are kids. I really feel that saying no you can't listen to that will only make them want to more. They could just listen to it at a friends house or get it numerous other ways. My stategy is going to be to talk about it and listen to it with her and ask questions like why does she like it. And there is a lot of good rap with conscious lyrics out there...but its not popular. I totally agree with MamaInTheBoonies and I actually think she has taken the harder road because it means you have to trust your children and work at understanding why they like this music.

[amnesiac]

I guess I should've added, since Eminem seems to be a point of concern in this thread, that I actually dig his work & listen to it myself...however, it is not suitable media for my 7 year olds. If they are sufficiently "bent to my will" on this issue then so be it--there are some things that you just do not do.

Aside from that, I hope the guitar lessons prove beneficial for him. My boys attend a magnet school with a heavy arts focus & have really enjoyed the music components. We just got our piano last week.

[Ms. Mom]

I'm glad we're discussing this. Each of you has a different opinion and I can see all of your sides. It helps keep things in perspective on my end.

For me, music was my escape as a child. I was in choirs throughout school and sang in a punk band in high school. My parents would yell "turn off that noise and get some 'real' music".

When the kids were babies we communicated through music. Ds would listen to me sing for hours on end. He still begs me to sing to him and tells me I have the most beautiful voice . He'll find out the truth one day :LOL

I always thought I would just let my kids listen to what ever they wanted. But, I never banked on Gangster Rap. This is a whole different thing. As for Eminem, I appreciate some of his talents. However, songs about killing his ex-wife and mother is NOT what I want my 8 yo. to be listening to.

No, I don't like Rap, but I wouldn't impose that on my kids. If they want to listen to it - so be it. It's the content that's alarming me. Gang rape, killing and such I just think it desensitizes someone so young.

When he's a teen, there's not much I can do about it. So, I do think it's best to be a part of it and keep communications open.

I'm just so surprised at how many 7-8 yo. know all the words to Eminem (these are the same kid's who's mothers shame me for letting ds get his ear pierced). I don't think they even KNOW what their kids are listening to?

My music taste is pretty wide. I could be listening to classical one moment, then Ministry the next. Hope in the car and throw on the local Rock station. I just like music and I enjoy sharing it with my kids.

JW, your situation sounds more idea. However, being moments from Detroit and having the kids in public school, there is exposure to these things. I'm just looking for a way to move through it and help them make good choices.

Ds's guitar lessons have been so good for him. His self-esteem has shot WAY up! His teacher is amazingly patient and kind to him. He knows a lot about the music industry and shares it with Ds in an open and honest way.

I have to wonder if ds really likes Eminem or if he's just looking to out-weird me?

[~member~]

Almost 3 years! Wow!
Just wanted to let you know my dd isn't into the rap/R&B/Hip Hop, anymore. She has the Now That's Music sets...with the top hits or something. All pretty mellow, no swearing....I guess what I would call 'nice' music. :LOL They all sound the same to me, I don't know. Not my type, anyways.
She says she doesn't like hearing swear words, or people being put down and just wants music that sounds pretty to her.
She has really become a kind of 'gentle soul' type of girl, lately. Real calm, real peaceful. Likes to listen to her music on the headphones and read Harry Potter or....some book about a girl Judy Bloome? Blume? Wow, I sound like a horrible mom, don't even know what she's reading! :LOL

Writing has become her escape. She writes stories. She writes about what happened and then rewrites what she wanted to happen or what she would have done differently. It's interesting.

[Dandelion Grrl]

My DD likes
The Arcade Fire
Matson Jones
Aqua
Avryl Lavighn (sp)
Greenday and
Sleater-Kinney
Be Good Tanyas

But she is 3 and she likes what I like..
Well.
Im not really and Avryl fan but..
I like Riot Grrl music and folk stuff :LOL

[applejuice]

One helps children make good choices in music by setting a good example in the first place.

[UnschoolnMa]

Our children make all of their own media decisions (music, TV, movies, etc) but that doesn't mean we can't discuss lyrics, what we think they mean, what the artist was trying to say, etc. They've listened to rap, country, metal, punk-pop (Sum 41 etc), pop, and dance like Usher, etc. We just don't feel it's right (or beneficial) to limit their music exposure to only the words we happen to agree with. In the end I think talking makes a great deal of difference.

[mandib50]

wow. my kids 9 and under still enjoy sharon lois and bram :LOL not that we don't listen to anything else, because we listen to many different things but i am grateful that the only time eminem gets played is when i'm on my treadmill listening to my music

mandi

[Alkenny]

I don't censor what my kids listen to, and my 10 year old DOES have an Eminem cd. He's also a great, intelligent kid that has never said a "potty" word in his life (to my knowledge!)