wow, a civil discussion on adoption, where my views are actually heard...AMAZING.
I agree that children thrive best in permanent loving homes, I don't feel that it takes adoption to provide that.
To me, coersion of pregnant mothers, lack of assistance to parents in poverty, violation of the adopteds rights etc. THAT is adoption. Adoption to me is an industry built on money. I've seen quotes where the adoption industry made over a billion dollars off of the sales of children. I was sold. I was bought. and I was cheaper than another baby because I'm only 1/4 white. An agency, who I have no ties with other than my natural mother chose them to work with, profitted off of my adoption. THAT was their incentive.
If my parents truly wanted to give me a loving home, why didn't they adopt my natural mother too? She has never been a danger to me, she has never neglected me, I was born a healthy loved child. Why wasn't she welcome? Why couldn't she have become the adoptee, and they could help raise their new adopted grandchild? Why? because it wasn't about me, it was about them and their dreams. When it should ALWAYS be about the childs needs. What is best for the child, even if it means, its not what you dreamed of, how can we provide for the children what they truly need.
Some children who are adopted, don't get permanence or love, but have still been adopted. Its not the act of adoption that gives the child this (permanence and loving homes), its the act of caretaking and honoring the childs real
Just like another poster here, my amother has told me that she thought her love would be enough to move me on from my adoption. She doesn't understand it fully. Only in adoption are people expected to move on from the loss of not only a mother, but an entire life really.
If I tell someone who doesn't know me " i lost my mother at birth " they assume she died in labor, and immediately people understand what a great loss that is or would be. Immediately I am given a sense of empathy and great compassion for what I have endured. Now when I tell someone I was adopted as an infant and seperated from my mother at 3 days old suddenly the understanding has left, and immediately I'm told "OH how lucky you are. How WONDERFUL" Its as if society expects me to be greatful, that I endured a severe loss. Just sweep the bad under the carpet and smile with the rest of us, because, you helped build a family and make an infertile couples dreams come true.
I do infact have a friend who's mother died when she was very young. Her and I share many issues that are so similar. The major differences are, she has been allowed to grieve her loss, and remain the person she was when she was in her mothers arms. And her family doesn't expect their love towards my friend to get her to move on from the loss of her mother. Only support her through whatever trials she is going through. THAT is love to me. That is providing someone with a loving home. That is honesty about what happened to her, to allow her to heal, and deal with the reality of her situation, and that is family.
And there are some adopted people who are happy to carry their adoptive parents last names, I however, believe it should be their choice not somebody else's because they "dreamed" their child would have that name.
A friend of mine was raised by his stepfather, he chose to take his stepfathers last name when he was a teenager, because he grew to love him as a father, he wanted to carry his last name. But do you see the difference, that came second to the love. It was his choice. It wasn't forced upon him. Sometimes in my situation, i feel that the love came second. My aparents were encouraged to do this, told this was the procedure, they never questioned it, because it was as close to having their own child as they would ever get. I may have been 6 months old, but they could still re-name me, have a birth certificate with their names on it, and call themselves mom and dad the day we met face to face. And as long as I kept up with that reality, things went fine.
Creating judgement on a system like adoption soley on your own experience is common with alot of people involved in adoption. Adoptive parents, natural parents, and adopted people. How many times have you heard adoptive parents say "adoption is wonderful" because they essentially built their family by adopting. I've heard it from many people involved in adoption by many different ways.
I have spoken to soooo many adoptees in person and online. I have a private online support group for adopted people only, and the things that are said behind those closed doors, its as if we're all writing from the same body and mind. Yet these same individuals, come out onto public message boards, and write a less open post. Maybe it stems from the adoptees need to please or insecurity or indebt feelings towards our adopters for taking us in, when nobody else was. So many factors can play into why this happens, i'm really not able to make a clear enough judgement, but all I know is when you get to the physical support groups, or online private groups for adoptees only, its a whole different world. One where there isn't much disagreement on core issues stemming from adoption at all. Where for the first time, these groups of people who have felt alone their entire life, suddenly are surrounded by people who understand and have the courage to speak their mind.
geeez where was I going from this, I don't know... I'm just trying to say I guess, that permanency, and a loving home can be offered to a child along with the truth and reality of their situation. That to me, adoption is
the legalities that violated my rights. I'm a mature adult who can handle the truth of the circumstances to my beginnings, I am not a threat to my mother nor was she to me, i'm not in the witness protection program, therefore, i don't need a name change, a fake birth certificate, or my aparents signatures to obtain MY documents. I am not for sale, and never should have been financially profitted off of. And my race never should have played a factor into how much I could be obtained for then sealed away from me shortly after.
Betty Jean Lifton has written a great book that I connect with as do many other adopted people I have talked with. Its called Journey of the Adopted Self. There is also Primal Wound, and Coming home to self ( which I haven't read, but heard is good, and revealing ) by Nancy Verrier an adoptive mother.
Also an online friend of mine Joe Soll has written and co wrote 2 books "adoption healing a path to recovery for adoptees" and "adoption healing for natural mothers" ( haven't read the one for mothers but the first one was very healing for me)
I told myself I wouldn't do this, and I apologize for barging in on this thread, which wasn't even originally started for the topic I have clearly just type/rambled on for well over an hour here at my house. I hope I answered your questions, if anyone made it this far to the end of my post kuddos to you.
I need to get some zzzzzzz's.