|I am wondering what the definition of *mom* is?
Is mother the person who gave birth to you or the person who nurtured and loved you for your entire life?
I think it's both. I don't think it has to be either/or.
|I'm also wondering if anyone else here has a more spiritual approach to adoption... not so biological.
I've heard adoptive moms say that they *know* they were *meant* to be the mothers of the babies they've adopted and I think I tend to believe that.
I just wanted to mention that I've attended a number of panel discussions with birth mothers in past few years, and I've heard many of these birth moms express similar things--as they set out to choose a family to place their child with, they often had quite spiritual experiences in knowing exactly which family was supposed to be "the" family, and it often ended up being a family they wouldn't have initially considered. Our family recently experienced the opposite side of this with a failed adoption. We were asked by a young woman we know to adopt her baby. We all felt good about it, and of course we said "yes". After a few months, she started to feel like we weren't the right family. It wasn't anything specifically about us that she disliked (on the contrary, we are still close and have a good relationship)--she just had feelings of unrest and felt deep down that her daughter was supposed to be with someone else. When she finally found that family, she did have the strong spiritual confirmation that she needed to be able to choose them and not look back.
(Of course in order for a process like this to work, the choice of adoption has to be completely up to the birth parents--there can be no coercion or pressure involved.)
I had a very intense experience with my own ds when he was just a few months old where I *knew* that I was supposed to be his mom, and I knew also that he, even as an infant, *knew* that too.
I have enjoyed hearing how other people's religious beliefs, life experiences, etc have impacted their views on adoption. I think that our views on adoption, or on anything else in life, don't exist in a vacuum. My own spiritual beliefs definitely affect how I view adoption. I don't believe that our existence begins at conception. I believe that we existed before we were conceived, in a different realm, and that we had associations with each other and particularly with the people that we would be with here in this life. So because of this, I definitely don't believe that biology defines parenthood, or that it is the be-all, end-all of family relationships. I believe that all relationships began spiritually. At the same time, also I don't believe that biology is of no importance. I believe that God created the conditions of biology too, and that they are important, just not the overriding factor. I feel that even for parents who give birth, the relationships are inherently spiritual as well--it's not just an adoption thing
There is much more to my beliefs, but it would take all day to describe how I feel and how it relates to adoption.
I think the most important thing to remember is just to be open to the fact that our children might not experience or perceive adoption the same way that we do. I can do my best as a parent to share with my child the positive beliefs that I have, but if he or she struggles with it, then my job is to step back and support and love unconditionally and remember that while I can have the experience of being an adoptive parent, I cannot share my child's experience of being adopted, and I cannot define that experience for him or her.
I have appreciated Sitara sharing her thoughts, even though I take a different viewpoint with much of what she said. I'm glad that this discussion has been respectful--I've had my eyes opened.