My friend has started spanking her son

[sophmama]

My friend has started spanking her son. I'm just not sure how to handle this. I am so anti-spanking. I realize that for me to say something it's only going to (for her) boil down to "you have the most compliant child in the world, you don't understand."

Her son is one of the most rambunctious kids I've ever known. Constantly breaking away and running in the street, running away in public, destroying things, hitting kids, being mean in general. He's 3. They have always been rather gentle with him about everything. I kind of thought they should emphasize the importance of safety a bit more because they never really even comment to him about all the safety/danger things he does but maybe they have when I'm not around?? I never felt like they got his attention on issues like not picking up a smaller child by the hair to get them off the trike he wanted to ride, etc. Never got down on his eye level.

She spanked him for getting violent with her newborn. I can understand the severe need to protect your newborn. I don't judge that. She said she's only spanked twice and he's never touched the baby in a rough way since. She said it happened out of a 'mama bear' reaction. I can understand that. But she is standing by her choice and seems to feel ok about continuing to spank if anything else happens.

She's a great person overall. I really like her a lot. She's also rather crunchy and we have a lot in common. I really don't want to give up the friendship but I don't think I can handle being around any spanking but if her son really has quit being rough with the baby then there is not a likelyhood that it will happen again but there is that chance. I don't want my dd around spanking. But if it got to that point we'd probably have to leave a play date early anyways because she'd end it if he was behaving that badly.

I just don't know what to do - anyone else have thoughts on this? Been there?

[The4OfUs]

I have several friends IRL who I think might be tempted to spank as our kids all get older; these are girls I've known for years and built deep friendships with, like sisters to me (since I don't have any sisters of my own), so I'm not willing to throw the friendships out the window because of the spanking issue. I think spanking is bad practice for many reasons that I won't get into here as I would be preaching to the choir, but I *know* these moms love their kids and are just coming from a mindset of spanking as normal, so I figure it's my job as being a good friend to offer them alternatives.

I recently read Anthony Wolf's book "The Secret Of Parenting..." and took some notes for DH, as he was brought up in a punitive/spanking household, and I have *almost* converted him over to the GD, non-spanking mindset....I mentioned the book to a couple friends in conversation, and they expressed interest -so when I pull together the notes for my DH, I'm going to send them copies, too.

As someone else has mentioned on this forum, I think Wolf is a good first step towards GD for those coming from a spanking background...he is a proponent of parents being "in charge", so I realize that does not appeal to some GDers...but I think it will work well with my DH, and hopefully my friends, too.

I don't want to end these friendships, and I'm hoping that by seeing me parent DS gently (but with discipline), they will come to realize that there are alternatives to spanking.

That said, if I was a personal witness to any friend spanking their child, I would most definitely talk to them about it...because though I'm not willing to end a friendship over spanking, I won't stand by and say nothing.

[LizD]

Well, I don't approve of regular spanking as discipline either, but I have slapped my daughter, years ago, and I would be very hurt to think someone I know described it as though I had "started slapping my daughter," and wondered if they could continue to be my friend. I am the same person I was, just maybe not as self-righteous about not hitting as I was before that. I don't think it's something to end a friendship over, if it's as you describe, and I have learned, over twelve years of being a parent, to be a little more flexible with myself and others than I was way back when. As far as your dd being around spanking, is that really a likely possibility? Spanking as punishment is usually reserved for a more formal occasion, after a playdate, say, and yet what you describe is more like swatting to stop immediately a dangerous situation.

I think you say it all when you say you really like your friend and have a lot in common and she's crunchy and a great person overall. She sounds like a good friend to have, especially with children close in age.

[johub]

I am entirely against spanking too. And yet I have done what your friend has done.
The "mama bear" thing is so so true!
I never ever ever spank as a discpiline method. But there have been a couple of times when one of my children was hurting another and I was within reach and I just did it. It wasnt right and I have no plans to do it again.
It sounds to me like this is what happenned with your friend.
She hasnt started spanking. She spanked. An isolated event. A reaction.
Not a change in her way of thinking or her overall discipline strategy.

I'd try not to let it affect your friendship.
joline

[abac]

I disagree with the pp's who say she hasn't started spanking, she just spanked once or twice. The issue (as I see it) is that she sees nothing wrong with what she did. You can say it's a mama bear instinct, but does that mean if your dc somehow hurt her baby she would hit your dc?? Or does the mama bear instinct only apply when it's her own dc hurting her baby?

You really must decide for yourself if you want to continue this friendship. My sister hits her children. IMO any hitting is abuse, whether it's a slap on the hand or more severe. My sister knows exactly how I feel about it. She does not agree. We have agreed to disagree. If she hits her children when I am there with ds, I pick up ds and leave the room. Depending on the situation, I might leave altogether, or I might step out for a couple of minutes and come back when it's calmer. On a couple of occasions I have intervened and told my sister to leave, go for a walk, calm down, whatever, while I stay with her children.

It's so hard to have a relationship with someone who's doing something you feel so strongly opposed to. I hope maybe I can influence her a little by example. I do not want ds to be witness to children being hit, though. You really need to do what feels right in your heart.