I am sorry, but I am done

[bibigon]

I am done. I am quitting on January 6. I knew it was mistake from the beginning but I listened to my husband and mother in law. I am so tired of home schooling and housework and conversation with other home schooling moms and my live revolving around home schooling 24/ 7. I knew it was not for me. What happens when you get married? Why did I let my husband convince me to do something, which I am not? Before we had kids I had job I loved. I thought I would take 3 year off until my daughter went to preschool and then I would go back to work. But then we had another baby. And then my husband and my MIL convinced me to home school. You see, I am more mainstream than my husband and MIL. Yes, the home is the best place for the baby, but not for the 3 and 5-year-old if mommy is unhappy. I never have time for myself. MY husband want to home school but he never does ,much to help, because he has to work a lot of overtime because I am at home with the children. It is idiotic. And MIL very rarely baby-sits for me because she has busy midwife practice. And no, we can’t hire a babysitter because we don’t have money. I am visiting my SIL in CA now and her life…. She works part time. Her son is in a really nice preschool and another in great PS. She has money to do thing that I don’t. She takes her kids to museums anytime she feels like it, not just on free days. She does a lot of thing with them that I, a SAHM , should have time and money to do. Her kid read on 2-grade level (and he is in K) and mine? I can’t even teach him to recognize letters. I am done. My older child is going to school on January 6 and my daughter is going to preschool. I am going to get my resume in order and find a job. My husband is threatening to leave me. SO much for love. I can’t. I am starting to recent my children and it is horrible thing do. Does anyone here know anyone who quits HS and re entered PS? What happened to the kids and husbands and MILS etc? Did any of your friends did it and did your stop your friendship with them? I am a terrible person for not doing what my husband and I agreed to do at first?

[Britishmum]

I'm sorry to hear that things didnt work out the way you wanted and your family expected. I havent been in your position (my children are still too young for us to make the decision) but I do think that if you are unhappy, things should change and your husband should support you in finding the answers.

Be easy on yourself, not everybody is going to be happy homeschooling, just like not everybody is going to be happy wiht their children going to school. Can you ask your husband to keep the discussion between the two of you and not your MIL? It's really not up to her what you do, and he needs to work with you not against you.

Good luck, and dont see it as a failure, just as an adjustment to find what works for you and your family.

[heartmama]

Wow, I could feel the distress in your post.

I think homeschooling is something you have to really feel led to do. For me, it is very fulfilling. But it is absolutely not for everyone.

I think you have several different issues that have run into each other. One is the jealousy issue, such as with your SIL. Remember that no matter what you do, there will always be someone who appears to be doing it better. You can't look for external guides for success. You really have to look inside yourself. Your same SIL could be miserable in a different situation. What if her child hated school, and was having behaviour problems as a result? She wouldn't be so happy. She is fortunate her situation is working out well for herself and her children. Many, many, many people find homeschooling as a last resort for a child who is totally miserable in the school environment.

I think your other issues in a lack of communication with your dh and your MIL. You need to start making your feeling clear, in a constructive way that isn't an attack on them. I do think your dh wants the best for your kids, and maybe you led him to believe in the past that homeschooling was something you also thought was best. If you were harboring doubts all along, and have changed your mind, you have every right. But you need to realize your dh (and most men IMO) do not pick up on those kinds of feelings unless you spell it out for them clearly. Your dh is probably totally freaked out by what appears to him to be an out-of-the-blue change on your part. Personally, it would freak me out too if my dh came home one day and told me he wanted ds in public school!

Tell your dh that you have tried to be open to his ideas and that he needs to listen to yours too. Look up some good quality schools and ask him to visit with you. Have him agree to a trial period. He may see how much happier you are in time. He might be afraid you are putting your happiness in front of the kids happiness (since he thinks so much of homeschooling). Let him know that is not the case, that you really think they will enjoy a different environment. If they hate it, let him know you will look for a different solution.

Heck, tell him you will work if he will stay home with the kids *LOL* I know some families who make that work for them.

Right now you are probably feeling more desperate and vulnerable because you haven't had a break from this cycle. Just keep breathing and tell yourself in time this will work out if you keep looking for the solution. Try different things and see what works.

If your dh is really being unresponsive or resentful and refuses to listen, I would consider counseling. But hopefully it won't come to that. As far as your MIL, it really isn't her business what you and dh decide, is it?

(((Hugs)))

Heartmama

[bibigon]

Thank you for your replies. Yes, I do envy my SIL because she is happier than me. Her kids seem very well adjusted and affectionate, and attached to her. She seems to find that work/family balance without doing harm to her family. My husband told me several times that happiness of our children is more important than my and his happiness. I came to disagree. I think my happiness is just important as my children’s. Not more, not less but as is important .I think it is time for my children and husband to learn that I was not put on this Mother Earth solely with the purpose of making them happy! How happy can people be sharing a house with someone as sad and resentful as I am? I am tired of guilt.
I like the idea of talking to my husband and MIL. I agree, I should have many discussions with him rather than simply deciding to quit. Yes, I would be unhappy if he just sprang a decision on me. But I hardly see him because of his work!
The only time I have to myself and when my kids watch TV. Well, I will confess that lately they been watching tons of TV because I just want to be alone. I feel very guilty because I know that watching that much TV is not good for them but I am exhausted. I used to work in a really specializes field and miss the “shop” conversation I used to have with the people I worked etc. I asked my husband once if he would stay home. I can make as much money as he makes if not more. You know what he said, “ I love my job, and it is not just the money. Plus I don’t think I could stay home all the time. It is mother’s duty to be with kids. You know I can’t BF.”
I am beginning to feel that homes schooling and some aspects of AP have dark oppressive side. My son told me recently that he will not help me clean because this what girl do. I asked him where he got this idea, and he said, “Well, daddy works really hard and you take care of all the things at home”. I thought being home with me would make them more awarded of natures and al the things mothers do etc etc etc. I feel as if I am raising a 50s misogynist in my own home. What did I go to college for 7 years?
And yes, I agree with you that my MIL should keep her nose out of our family but I don’t see how I can make her understand anything. Ironically, she did not stay home for very long herself. My husband was raised by his grandma because my MIL worked a lot.

[Jazmommie]

I know one family who homeschooled for several years -mother in law was very supportive of it---the mom was tired -(4 kids) & they put their kids in public school & became very sports oriented with their kids,you know soccer,dance lessons,karate,etc.

The mother in law had some issues but they are still in public school & happier.

Peace

[ShannonCC]

I really feel for you I think you should go back to work if you want. Yes, your happiness is important too! "If the Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" (don't know where I read that, but I like it!).

I need to point out tho, I don't think your problem is with homeschooling or with AP. It's with your dh! You will probably have many conversations ahead of you. Have you considered marital counseling? It's a bad sign that he said your happiness is not important. I homeschool and am AP but my dh cleans, cooks (better than I do on both counts!) takes care of the kids, etc. If I wanted to go back to work, he'd support me, but since I want to stay home, he supports that too. It sounds as if your dh does not support you at all

I hope you get this worked out!

[Velveteen]

I truly hope that things get better for you. Homeschooling is not for everyone, but few things are. I wish you peace and happiness in your journey to new beginnings. Let us know how it goes for you, we may be strangers, but I care.

[miriam]

I am sorry this has happened to you.

Go ahead and go back to work. Five years is enough. Do parttime work at first so that you can still be active w/ your babies.

You may be surprised at first that you really know your babies better than anyone else. You can pat yourself on the back for that!

Good luck...

[Linda in Arizona]

Different things work for different people. What you are doing isn't working for you, so it is time to make a change! I know 2 kids who've homeschooled and then attended school, and they both did great. Is your DD excited about going to school?

About your MIL, tell her nicely that this is not her decision and don't talk to her about it. It has NOTHING to do with her.

Your DH is missing the forest for the trees. Yes, kids being happy is important. Yes, good parents make sacrifices for their kids. No, this doesn't mean that mom should be the maid/cook/doormat. Kids can't be happy in a family run by people who are miserable.
I think you may have some serious relationship issues that have nothing to do with homeschooling and may be finding a marriage counselor would be a good idea. This really sounds more like control issues than educational issues.

Something that I've found that has really really helped me is Flylady.
http://www.flylady.net
FLY stands for finally loving yourself. (It also helps one get their house in order.) Check it out -- I think it might help you no matter what you decide about school and work.

Good luck in your job hunt!

BTW -- I don't think it is my job to make my kids happy. They are human so they will be happy some of the time and unhappy some of the time. Life's like that. No body is happy all the time. The idea that we should "make" our kids happy is odd to me. We just take care of them and love them, and take care of ourselves and love ourselves.

[bibigon]

We talked

Thank you for your supportive reply. I had long and hard conversation with my DH last night. I actually felt sick in my stomach. Apparently, he wanted us (well, in practicality me) to home school the kids because he always felt a great deal of resentment towards his mother for being with him so little when he was a young child. At which point I was flabbergasted. My MIL is a midwife with a very busy practice and she never really had control of her time. She worked as nurse manager in ER for many years. My job never was and never will be like that. My kids will always know that I will be home at the same time very night. In fact, I hope to find a 3-4 d/week job. We both cried. There was a lot of other things too. We are going to see a counselor. My DH will go with me several times to the ps and preschool I picked and observe everything. If we disagree, we will look for other schools. I had a long talk with my SIL who told me that she understood why my brother felt this way but agreed with me that I should not be at home if I hate it. I feel like huge weight was lifted off my chest!

[faeriemom]

I've been reading this thread with interest, and I'm soooo happy that things are working out for you! You sound so much happier in your last post than your first.

Congratulations on talking things through with your dh. (and talking with your SIL). And good luck with going back to work.

Please keep us posted on how everything goes.

faeriemom

[shari1973]

sorry done

***Deleted by moderator due to breech of the user conduct rules.

[Britishmum]

Shari1973, I dont think people here were being 'politically correct' when supporting a mother who obviously was deeply unhappy and needed to make some changes. Bibigon said in her original post that she didnt feel school was right for her baby, but that it would work for her older children. This is hardly giving her kids to someone else to raise. :

Maybe you didn't mean it, but your post came across as rather hostile and judgemental, which I don't think is particularly helpful to the OP.

Anyway, Bibigon, I"m pleased that you have managed to straighten things out with your dh and SIL. You got some great advice here - hope that things work out for you.

[Lucky Charm]

Shari, i think the remark about birth control "so you dont have anymore kids" is unfair. this woman is under enough stress and has enough pressure without your negative remarks. she is obviously upset and in need of some sort of support. this wasnt a forum of "should i or shouldnt i" this was someone who was upset, and felt alone....not the forum for "you shouldnt have had kids" and "permanent birth control".



if you felt that you couldnt give any support, (and you certainly have a right to your opinion and beliefs, thats not my problem)then, why would you post and be hostile? why not leave it? thats not being "PC", thats respectful.

[Linda in Arizona]

Shari1973 -- I feel that you are way out of line. I know many kids who've gone to preschool when they are 3 and are just fine. There is NOTHING wrong with putting a 3 year old in a quality program. NOTHING. Putting a child in preschool is not the same as having some else raise them. If someone posted that they had decided to move to a different country and leave their kids here, you would right on the mark. That is a far cry from a little preschool.

The comment about birthcontrol is rude are hurtful. Way out of line. This is nothing to do with being "politicaly correct" -- it is about acting like a human being.

Have you ever noticed that on airplanes they tell you that if there is an emergency, to put on your own airmask first, and then your kids? Do you know why? THINK ABOUT IT. A mom come here and baiscally said, "I haven't put on my air mask." Everyone else in her family sounds like they are just fine, except her. You can only funciton for so long without air. You cannot care for your kids if you don't get air.

No child is better off at home with a mom who is depressed, unhappy, or feels she has no control over her life. How a child does academically has far more to do with the family than with the decision to homeschool/public school/private school. Read "Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense" by Gutterson. He is a public school teacher and a homeschooling parent. Very good book. They important thing is the family -- not which educational path they choose.

I love being home with my kids and I feel that it is wonderful for them. I also know many people who've made different decisions that are equally wonderful for them and their family. There isn't one right path. There just isn't.

[bibigon]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their support.
Secondly, I want to address some criticisms here. Do we really need hostility between WOHM and SAMHS? I isn’t the world is hostile enough towards families as it is?
I would never leave a baby in the day care unless there was not other way to support my family, but my kids are not babies. I don’t want to end up crazy like this woman in Texas. I simply want to find something, which works, for ME and my KIDS. When I started my family I had no idea that I would feel this way today. SAHMing and HS seemed perfectly great ides to me. I am allowed to change my mind. While we are talking about non-PS issue, how about the issue of “money and power”. Sometime this gets swept under the rug in SAHMS and HS community. Some men do feel that if they make the money, than somehow they are entitled to make more decision at home and not do any housework. My husband refuses to help around the house because “I worked whole day to support you, I am tired”. While we may never achieve the 50/% feminist ideal in my family, I will go for 40/60 division. I want to the power which money gives. I want to decide which class my kids can take instead of “I need this and this, and since we HS, why do we need classes anyway”. And if my husband still refuses to help with housework, I will hire a cleaning leady (I will be in the park with my kids).
It is true; my air mask is not on and has not been for a long time…
Tomorrow we are leaving for NY. I will say good buy to my SIL and will try to do my best when I get home. I want the air to be turned on again. I want to raise my kids, not simply be there in the house!

[mamaduck]

Bibigon -- you are doing so well. I was homeschooled by a mom who was tired, depressed, overwhelmed, resentful and miserable. Let me tell you -- a mediocre public school would have done me less damage! I have no doubt. She perservered out of a sense of obligation and commitment to her ideals -- I always had the sense that her ideals were more important to her than her kids.

I like the way that you have taken charge of your situation. It is too easy to sit back and let life swallow you up. It is too easy to feel helpless. But you have identified what is making you miserable, you have made a plan to correct it, and you have taken action. THAT is commendable!

It makes me feel certain that if things don't work out well, you will be observant and capable of making adjustments in your plan as you proceed. Stay aware. Stay flexible.

As far as preschool -- my oldest son went to preschool 4 mornings a week and LOVED it. I was home with the baby, and would have kept him home too if he showed the slightest sign of difficulty there. But it was great for our whole family. Every kid and every family needs to have their own unique experience.

As far as your DH -- I'm feeling quite pissy toward men in general today, so I won't go there.

[miriam]

Dear Shari1973;

I may be a minority here, but at the risk of sounding like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, I agree w/ you. While many children do well in preschool, the very BEST place for them is at home w/the loving parent who brought them into this world.

Barring extenuating circumstances, why in the world would a loving parent give their dear child less than the very best?

[mamaduck]

I wasn't going to say it, but now I am.

Shari this is one of the most cruel and insensitive statements I've read at MDC, and completely uncalled for in this situation. I wish you would edit your post and remove it. Bibigon -- you could report this to a moderator.


edited to remove quote

[Lucky Charm]

This is not the place to flame a member who needs a shoulder, not advice and your thoughts on what you think is right.
this was never a thread about "what do you think i should do about pre-school". this was a woman reaching out, distressed. it doesnt matter what i would do, it only matters that we give a little support to a sister who needs it.

Alot of members come to MDC for a little emotional support, a "boost" if you will. there are plenty of threads & forums where strong opinions & passionate views are not only encouraged, but sought after. this one really is not one of those threads.

You just dont kick someone when they're down.