I am sorry, but I am done - Page 2

[gilnikche]

A Message from your moderator

I agree that Shari's post was uncalled for. I already PM'd her about her post yesterday & asked that the hurtful remarks be removed.

[I Believe in Fairies]

I have a suggestion that I think might be great for everyone.

What if your DH does the home schooling. He could be a SAHD!

My husband and I have planned that I'll do the HSing until Annabelle is 16 and then we'll give her the choice. If she chooses HSing then my Dh takes over and I go to work.

I don't know all of your situation, but I hope this is a good and constructive suggestion. That is how it is offered : D

[Alenushka]

"I may be a minority here, but at the risk of sounding like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, I agree w/ you."
Dr. Laura is a working mother. She is an orthodox Jew and it is common in these famlies that mom workd while day does Torah studies. Naked pix of Dr. Laura are esily accebale on the Interned as well as many detial of her sad life. In case you have not read the nespapers lately, Dr. Laura's mom died and no one knew for 2 months, including Dr. Laura herslef
I do not think that person who does not have good relationship within her family can be held up as good example to all of us.
Yes, parent is the best, but it is when parent is happ[y and fuctional, not whne the parents is depressed.
Brest is best, but if the child is one in amillion with allergy to breast milk, then obciously brest does more harm than good

[frogertgrl]

C'mon, Alenushka! Do you even know the details (as much as can be known) of Dr. Laura's relationship with her mother? Is it solely the responsibility of Dr. Laura do have a great relationship with her family or does her family have to meet her half way, too?

Fwiw, Dr. Laura did attempt (repeatedly) to make amends with her late mother. After converting to Orthodox Judaism, Dr. Laura was extremely convicted about the distance between her and her mother, so she talked at length with her rabbi and made the decision to let the past go, and reach out in love to her mom.

Is it Dr. Laura's fault her mom rejected this outreach?

It is estimated that her mother was deceased for three weeks before someone found her, not two months.

And allergies to breastmilk have absolutely nothing to do with this issue of homeschooling vs. going back to work.

I hope that what is best for the family, all of them, can be realized in this difficult situation. When mom is burnt out, only rejuvenation can rectify this situation - and rejuvenation usually comes through a rest period and letting others carry the bulk of the burden for a time.

[Envision]

some thoughts...

Our ds is still a long way away from schooling of any kind but we have discussed the idea of home schooling.

We have already agreed that if that is the choice we make, that it will be dh that takes it on.
I know that I am not organized, committed, or patient enough to do something of that magnitude.

We have agreed that I am going to work for the next 3 years to make my business our full time income and if we can achieve that, then dh will stay home with ds and any other children we have.

If this is not possible, I have thought about finding another hs parent to maybe take in my kids too. (I don't know that much about hs so have no idea if this is even an option...) but I would exhaust all my possibilities, respecting my boundaries and limitations.

There are also new alternative schools that are proving to be very successful and would look at those as an option also. My friend has his daughter in a school like this and in pre-kindergarden she can read words...that is pretty impressive to me...

I was also thinking about the idea of community. My mom was a babysitter for years and all the kids and moms loved her. She also became friends with some of the moms...some of the kids became almost family to us so I don't always see babysitters, teachers, and the such as "babysitters" not connected to our kids...I see them as individuals that are in "my community" and help me to raise my child in the healthiest, happiest way possible.
I want to teach my child that there are lots of people able to help them find resources and answers to their questions in life...and that I am happy to be the one to do it...but it doesn't have to be me all the time, that there is a whole community of people that are caring and able to give hugs and support.

I think you are a great mom for loving your kids enough to take care of yourself, that shows a lot of maturity! And if taking care of yourself means that you might get "closer" to dh and happen to be blessed with another bundle (PLANNED OR NOT), let us know so that we can celebrate with you!!

Just my 2 cents,
Oils

[me&3]

I struggled with the question of whether to send my 2 sons to school this year - I had them home until this past September, then sent them to 1st grade, and to nursery school (my 3 yo).

I was a committed hs'er before this, and I still believe that hs'ing is a great thing. But no, it is not for everyone. My sons, for example, need to be around people more than I can accomodate them. I, personally, need more space for myself to be sane.

I love my children dearly, and want the best for them. I take great offense to those moms who feel so righteous in dispensing their "advice" about who "should" have children and who shouldn't. And that a child *should* be kept home until kindergarten. : I believe that it is very much a personal decision for each family to make. How presumptuous to make such grand pronouncements...!

Okay, that's *my* 2 cents.

[Alenushka]

The breast milk section was a metaphor
nope, I still don;t think that dr. Laura gives a good advice. Her advice to depressed peple like the first poster, is to pick yourself up and get over it. And I don't understand being so out of touch with your own mother. She is the expert supposedely, she should have been able to reach out or at least talk to neigbours on how her mom was doing. IT is off topic, but it is sad commentary on today;s sosiety. I am blessed with myneigbours. They would not wiat for 2 months to contact police if I died! We all know, it is not alway possibale.There ae many many good paths in life. One is not better than other but maybe the right one for you and the second oath maybe the right one for me and so on..

[Jish]

We have my four year old son in preschool this year. M-W-F from 8:30am to 11:00am and he LOVES it. He was upset when Christmas vacation started and he wouldn't get to see his friends. Pre-school is very different than full-day day care. Never once have I felt guilty dropping my son off as he runs into his classroom smiling and goes up and hugs his teachers. Also, he is out of my care for a mere 7 1/2 hours a week. It is time that I can focus on my second child who has never had me to himself before.

As far as homeschooling goes, I know myself well enough to know that it would be a disaster. That sounds strange from someone who went to college for elementary education, but it's true. I would be horrible at it. In a classroom with a class of kids I would be wonderful, but the distractions all around me would be to much for me.

I admire you bibigon, for having the strength to stand up for what is best for you. As long as you stay active in your kids education, they will do great in public school. There is nothing to say that those of us who send our kids to public (or parochial in my case) school don't do extra education within our homes.

Take care of yourself, take care of your kids. Do what is right for your family.

[Natashka]

Bibigon, I've been following and just want to pop up to offer extra support.

I also suggest you check out a book by Greenspan which was on one of MDC's ads last month or so, regarding BOTH parents working part-time (like 3/4 or 2/3) so that the total ratio to childcare time to with-parent time declines for the children. I think that this approach has many sensible sides to it. At any rate, whether you believe that home is or is not best for any child in any circumstances, there is no rule that mom has to be the one at home, you are WELL past the age of exclusive BF. Furthermore, there is research documenting very good results for kids growing with SAHDs. And definitely your DH cannot use you a way to resolve his childhood trauma, even though it was evidently a harsh one -- that's what therapy is for. I believe it's wonderful you had the conversation, are going to get counseling, and, it sounds like, had a cathartic experience together.

You may also want to check the sites for feminists mothers at home and feminist homeschoolers. DS not wanting to clean because it's a woman's job is a BIG warning sign the household needs change.

I personally came to believe that some combination of mom and dad at home part-time and some minor childcare will be best for us.

[anythingelse]

Originally posted by jbcjmom
As long as you stay active in your kids education, they will do great in public school.

I would just like to throw my 2 cents back in and say that we sent our older kids to both public and private school during which that time I was there almost every day as a volunteer and also served as PTO vp, and Pres. My kids did not do well in public school, our public school failed them despite all the time & energy I put into it, I am also a former public school teacher and witnessed some kids never fitting into the ps box despite their educated active parents attempts to help 'mold' them into the public school norm.

[Sherricp]

bibigon, I know I'm coming in very late, but I wasn't checking this board for awhile and must have missed your post.

Part of the emotions and relationship issues in your post felt so familiar to me even though I am coming at it from the opposite angle. I began to wonder when I was pregnant with DS if I really wanted to be working. DH was very upset by my even questioning it. The ideal for him was very strong that we each keep our careers, especially since we'd invested so much in mine. And I had a job where I carry DS around with me for all but 1 hour per week and his Dad watched him for that hour. I thought I'd hire a person on-site to do childcare when he was older so that the person could bring him to me whenever he needed to nurse or wanted a little Mommy time. Well, my situation was very complicated because I had pretty bad PPD, which I think I would have had even without the conflicts and exhaustion just to a much lesser degree. But anyway, as he got older and was harder to keep at meetings and in my office, I had to do more work at night and found that both DS and I very much did not want to be apart from each other. He would scream constantly when I was gone until I returned if he was with anyone but DH.

DH was very fixated on the idea that if I could just change some things--accept DS crying in childcare until he adjusted, organizing my time better, or whatever--then it would all work out. Without the PPD I probably could have held out longer, but not without selling everyone--work, DS, myself, DH--short. We did get some counseling which actually was harmful in some ways as the counselor had some really off-base ideas and assumptions about both the severity of my depression and my DH's willingness to help lighten my load. I felt so trapped and my DH did, too. What I needed was not his idea of how things should be and he felt it was unfair for me to just get what I wanted when it wasn't what we'd planned/agreed to. But the reality was that I couldn't do it.

I think it's a really common thing for people to find that their plans really change when they have kids. Some assume they will stay home and love it, then they love it for a while but later hate it. Some assume they'll work and have this really "rich, full life" (that was my vision) and find they are too exhausted to enjoy any of it and just feel like a failure at both work and motherhood. It's hard on a marriage when one partner really needs to make a change that the other partner doesn't want. I think it's natural for the resistant partner to avoid seeing how much the change-seeking partner is suffering or to attribute the suffering to something else.

Another thing I'm thinking in your situation is that your husband may really have some parent issues that stem from his own pain. He fears his children having an experience like he did, so he wants you to make sure they don't. But what is he doing? Isn't he working unpredictable, long hours, like his mother did? Are the children experiencing him as an active, reliable part of the household? One of the best things for your family might be if you could work part time and he could work less and really take over some of the time. It may be that the kids will spend some time out of the home because you'll both need to work weekdays, but perhaps one weekend day could be Dad planned and executed so the kids get to feel his active involvement in planning for their well-being.

Even though I'm living (by choice) a pretty traditional Mom takes care of child (children in a few more months!) and most of home while Dad works, I know that our son really benefits from his Dad's involvement with him and even just from Dad's presence at meals. I just wonder if your DH is avoiding home life and thinking that as long as you are always present that the children won't feel any neglect from his absence? I could be wrong, maybe your financial needs really do require the long hours and he isn't tuning out when he is home like I'm assuming.

I'm really glad that you are talking though, and I hope you can work it all out. I also believe that while I'm gung-ho about homeschooling, I think that it's important to love doing it. You don't need to love every single solitary moment and aspect of it, but overall, you should be able to say "I love this." If not, then either what you are doing or the way that you are doing it needs to change.

Sherri

[LizD]

we have had our daughter in two different schools and now we homeschool. Compromises must be made no matter the method of schooling; it's a matter of which compromises the family can live with. Once a chosen path stops working, it's time to change - that doesn't mean it was a failure. Years ago I heard one of Peggy's LLL lecture tapes and I have always remembered what she said about mistakes: no one wakes up planning to make a mistake that day. They happen, you address them, you move on. Homeschooling may not have been a mistake for the original poster here, but it sounds as though it would sure be a mistake to continue! There are wonderful aspects of school that homeschooling can't duplicate, and vice versa.

The comment about the husband putting children's well-being and happiness first comes, I think, from a positive intent. As parents we do tend to put our children's needs first. However, if a parent's need is not being met, s/he isn't really meeting the children's needs, either. Making sure everyone's needs are met to the fullest possible extent is the goal, not committing to a particular lifestyle or pedagogy as the only way. A child most needs happy, fulfilled, *interesting* energetic parents who are really themselves, not actors playing a role they come to resent. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to stand up for your own needs. Lots of luck to everyone!

[bibigon]

feeling better

Just an update. Thank you all for all the support and ideas. I am now working 3 days a week and I love my new job. My Dh loved our old child’s PS but not the Pre School. So, we went and looked and found a pre school we liked. I volunteer there every Thursday with my child for 2 hours. And on Friday’s I am in PS for 1 hour. Children are doing well. DH and I now divide the laundry and dinner duties. I now have money for both kid to be in swimming and dance classes. I feel great. It is so great to have geeky adult company 3 times a week. We keep weekend free form organize activities. We use it to hang out and see friends. Dh entered therapy and we have 5 more marriage counseling session. I realized that being at home full time was not for me. It was not good for our family. I think a part time is the way. I do not care about promotions and things like this; I just want to do what I like 3 times a week!
Good Lcuk to you all, at home or not

[faeriemom]

bibigon -- I'm sooo happy you posted an update and soooooo happy to hear that things are going so well for you and your family!! I've been thinking of you and this thread often, wondering how you were doing.

faeriemom

[BreJean]

Wow, I just read this whole thing.

First off, you will not see me home schooling on my own. I am not the "teaching" type. I would consider doing it as part of a co-op teaching group where I could teach a particular subject, say, once a week with older kids, but nooooo way could I stay home and do that. I would go crazy. And I LOVE that there are moms out there who can do that. And I love that there are human beings who do that who decide to be teachers. I personally cannot wait to get my DD into daycare. DH and I are both fulltime students and our university has an amazing daycare where the students do education degrees "work". It is an excellent program and she will probably get in when she is around age two for 6 hours a day, three days a week. I am really looking forward to her getting more interaction with other kids.

I strongly believe in BOTH parents working and BOTH parents raising children. Dh and I have both been students, dh works part time, and we both raise our daughter. I would say it is aobut 60/40 me to dh in the amount of time we spend on a one on one basis. I think it is great for children and great for parents. No matter how much you love a job (either being home or away from home) you get burned out. This is such a wonderful way to stay balanced. When I am going crazy because the baby has done this this and that, Dh comes home and I get my break to go to class and talk with adults ab out intellectually challenging subjects. Now, this doesn't work for everyone, some moms just really love to be home all of the time, but I think there needs to be more balance in life.

I am glad you got things worked out. Sage adivice to keep MIL out of the marriage. I know too many people who have gotten divorced over inlaw issues.

[Lucky Charm]

Bibigon

[TapWitch]

Just read this whole thread as well and just want to say more power to you, Bibigon!! I agree with many of the posters here, there's no one "right way" to parent and educate. It concerns me that there's an element of AP dogma out there. Any self-righteous inflexibility, aka fundamentalism, is dangerous! I thought we were supposed to be the nonconformists?!