Thoughts on "just getting it done"

[ETW]

DS is 18 months old. It's very important to us that he is treated as an equal person and to that end we try never to force him to do anything, but there are some situations where it seems gentlest, and easiest on him, to just "get it done." A few examples:

* He wakes up crying from teething pain. I know Motrin will help him and I know that he takes it willingly when he is awake, but he is barely awake, crying hard, and very difficult to reach. I feel like it's better for him to restrain him and get the medicine in so he can feel better and get back to sleep than to try to wake him all the way up and calm him down enough that he takes it willingly.

* He is not a fan of the car but he usually gets in his carseat willingly. Sometimes it is clear that he can not do it and I never push the issue at that point -- we change plans, go for a walk, try again later, etc. However, there are times when we're on our way to do something that I know he wants to do (the playground, Gymboree, etc) or something that I know he needs to do (get home for lunch), the usual reasoning and playful parenting tactics have failed, and he is getting increasingly agitated by my attempts to convince him. He resists a little but if I just forge ahead and stuff in him (often singing a song we made up called "get in fast so you don't get mad") he settles down as soon as he's in.

I am pretty uncomfortable with physically forcing DS to do anything, but as I said, there are times when it feels like the kindest way to go. I think it passes the "how would I want to be treated" test in the sense that I appreciate loved ones "making me" take care of myself by verbally pushing me to eat or take medicine that I need or get out the door to an event I really want to attend. Of course my DH is not physically making me eat so it's a little different, but it is natural to physically do things for children so that seems like a valid difference.

I'm not so much looking for advice on my specific examples of "getting it done" (though I'm open to hearing any great ideas you have) -- I'm more interested in your thoughts on the general concept.

[Hazelnut]

There are lots of times when I need to get him in the carseat and it's not working, and he's tired and it's not getting any better. Every method of diversion, comfort, or whatever has failed because he's a toddler and isn't going to calm down and say, "oh you are so right, it's best i just quiet down so we can get home and eat and nap." I can only dawdle in a frozen parking lot for so long. Yesterday he threw a fit about getting in the car and leaving the library, and I managed to get him in the car and then distracted and calmed him before buckling him in. But it's not always feasible. I don't like "forcing" him either, but it doesn't have to be aggressive. I know sometimes people just resort to being forceful without attempting any other way, and are prehaps too physically forceful, literally. But it's not always like that. I always try to be respectful. He's my equal but I'm still the grown up.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by ETW

I think it passes the "how would I want to be treated" test in the sense that I appreciate loved ones "making me" take care of myself by verbally pushing me to eat or take medicine that I need or get out the door to an event I really want to attend. Of course my DH is not physically making me eat so it's a little different, but it is natural to physically do things for children so that seems like a valid difference.

I think that your observation of passing the "how would I want to be treated" test is very important here. So much of respecting our children is based on that, and I agree wth you that I appreciate the nudges I get from family and friends to kind of push through things I may not "want" to do, to get to things that I do...

As DS is getting older, I am using the "would it be OK if DH treated me this way" to reflect on my parenting choices, and maybe I'm less easily offended than most people, but often times the answer is "yes", even when it does involve a little coercion, as long as it's gentle and respectful.

I think that some posters here, though, would not be as tolerant of others "making" them to do things, so the answer for them would probably be 'no', so they wouldn't do it with their child.

I think much of it also has to do with your child's reaction to your 'nudges'...if they seem to be fine with it, and in the grand scheme of things you are respectful of their feelings and thoughts, I think they will not feel that you are overtly controlling them...howver, if it seems to bother them a great deal, then I wouldn't do it.

Hope that makes sense.

[Eman'smom]

Originally Posted by Hazelnut

I always try to be respectful. He's my equal but I'm still the grown up.

This is perfect

I'm the mom, and sometimes things have to be done for the "greater good". You don't have to be mean about it, but yes sometimes medicine needs to be taken and parking lots aren't for hanging out in.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by ETW

I am pretty uncomfortable with physically forcing DS to do anything, but as I said, there are times when it feels like the kindest way to go. I think it passes the "how would I want to be treated" test in the sense that I appreciate loved ones "making me" take care of myself by verbally pushing me to eat or take medicine that I need or get out the door to an event I really want to attend. Of course my DH is not physically making me eat so it's a little different, but it is natural to physically do things for children so that seems like a valid difference.

I'm not so much looking for advice on my specific examples of "getting it done" (though I'm open to hearing any great ideas you have) -- I'm more interested in your thoughts on the general concept.

I agree, and I remember a lot of times distracting my dd this way when she was little. Like running up behind her and grabbing her and throwing her in the air (playfully) when she was headed for something dangerous. She would giggle and totally forget about it. Or distracting like you with a song or funny faces while I "stuff" her in the car seat.

However, the bigger, stronger and quicker she gets, the harder this is. Fortunately, her ability to reason seems to have kept pace with her physical growth, so while I don't think I could get her in the carseat now without her cooperation, we can reason it out and discuss it.

I don't agree with holding them down if they are actively resisting, though. One day when my dd was about that age I came into her room and my dh was holding her on the ground trying to get her shirt on. For whatever reason she didn't want it, but it was winter and it was cold so I guess he thought she had to have it. Well, he had "lost it" and was totally in a power struggle, and she was freaking out. It was ugly, and I think it was kind of scary for my dd. I think he started out thinking he was doing something "for her own good" but then just got carried away. Just to point out that can happen when you're trying to force something on a child.

[mightymoo]

There are what my mom (a kindergarten teacher) calls 'have-tos' in life. Not just for kids, for everyone. As with every 'have-to' there is a reason for it and there are usually a couple of ways of doing it. You can choose to pay your bills on time and willingly or not pay them and have the company come after you legally. You can't choose not to pay them.

When other ways of motivating her to do something have failed, I feel comfortable with offering DD the choice of doing it herself or my doing it for her on things that are 'have-tos' (although I don't use that term with DD). She's a year older though so this may not work for an 18 month old. 99% of the time she chooses to do it herself - though some of that time I have to make it clear by starting to pick her up, etc that I will 'do it for her' if she does not. The things this generally applies to are getting into the car, going up to her room for a nap or diaper change, etc.