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Will I EVER stop feeling bad

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 
for circing my son? It really bothers me, and makes me angry at myself for what I allowed to be done to him. For thinking I was educated, but really not knowing anything about it. I know it was a horrible thing to have done, but I can't change it now. And thank goodness there's no complications (that we know about anyways).
I'm definitely going to be trying to educate people about how barbaric circing is- I don't want anymore children to be subjected to this, and I don't want anymore parent's feeling as horrible as I do for having it done. So I guess my feeling bad IS doing some good- kwim? I'm actually a little upset that my friend who didn't circ her son didn't say anything to me about it. Well, not upset- I just wish she has told me how stupid it was to circ. She's very into "to each his own" and all that, but still...
I just really really really feel awful. I can't talk to my dp about it- it makes him feel pretty awful too (and I had left the decision up to him- so he's the one that made the decision to do it- not that that makes ME feel any less bad). Last night I was talking to him about how stupid people are, and telling him about the "needles don't belong near penises" post on here yesterday. I wasn't talking about circing OUR ds, just how stupid the practice is in general. Dp was in tears, and said he didn't want to talk about it, we can't change it now, and if we have the decision to make again, we definitely WON'T do it.
But it's kinda consuming my head. kwim? I don't know what I expect to find here- it's kinda silly to want to get reassurance from an anti-circ community. But at least I'm anti-circ NOW. Too bad it's too late to prevent my ds from going through it.....
Will I ever stop feeling so awful about this?
post #2 of 32
Oh, your post made me want to give you a big, comforting hug, and I don't even know you!!!!!

All I know is that time truly does heal. Eventually this will not be so all-consuming. I can't tell you not to feel guilty - I would never presume to tell someone else how to feel. But I hope that your crusade to inform other parents about RIC will help to ease your pain.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Ann
post #3 of 32
We all have made a mistake with our kids that we have a hard time letting go of. I know I have a couple and when I think of them I get really upset and I am working on forgiving myself. I am extremely anti-circ but I do understand that we live in a society were you can think you are informed on issues like circ, vaccines, breastfeeding and still not have a freaking clue. You know better now and are doing your best to educate other parents , that you should be truly proud of. I am so sorry you , your dh and son have all been abused by our system.
post #4 of 32
I don't think that you'll ever stop regreting circ, but it may become a smaller part of your memories. As you son reaches age 2, 3, 4, and beyond, you will fill your mind with many more decisions and ideas and doubts about your parenting. I hope it stays at #1 of the "things I wish I didn't do" but you'll fill the rest of the list, I'm sure. That's not a cheery thought, but I think it's a truism of parenting.
post #5 of 32
When you know better, you do better.

Don't be so hard on yourself....be hard on the flippin' US medical community and drs for perpetuating this horrendous practice out of GREED.....in fact, make yourself feel better, go sue the dogsh$t out of the person that performed your son's circumcision. If I had a son and I had had him circumcised bc I was too ignorant to know there was an option, that's what I would do.
post #6 of 32
I hope this makes you feel better. to you!

The founder of NoCirc, Marilyn Milos, circ'ed her own sons. She had her children in the 70's, and had them circ'ed as a matter of course, without even thinking about it. After her kids got older, she returned to school to become a nurse.

While in nursing school, she witnessed her first circumcision and was appalled. She cried when she realized what she put her sons through. She became a maternity nurse and told new parents the truth about circ. Well, that didn't win her any favors from her bosses, and she was fired. After her firing, she started NoCirc.

Her story has a happy ending; she now has intact grandsons.

So, this is what you can do: 1. leave any future sons intact, and 2. inform other people so they don't go through what you did. That's what Marilyn did; she turned her anger and regret into action. You can do the same.
post #7 of 32
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone (especially for not bashing me- but I didn't figure that would happen- you all seem like truly commpassionate caring understanding people).
fwiw, I'd consider myself anti-circ (now). Not just "well, you shouldn't do it, but it's a personal decision" kwim?

Quote:
Originally Posted by njeb
So, this is what you can do: 1. leave any future sons intact, and 2. inform other people so they don't go through what you did. That's what Marilyn did; she turned her anger and regret into action. You can do the same.
definitely will be doing those 2 things
I'm going to focus on turning my "regret into action." who knows how many people I will affect?!

I really hope I don't do anything that I regret more than circ'ing!!! But we're smarter now- about lots of child related stuff.

Quote:
Don't be so hard on yourself....be hard on the flippin' US medical community and drs for perpetuating this horrendous practice out of GREED.....in fact, make yourself feel better, go sue the dogsh$t out of the person that performed your son's circumcision. If I had a son and I had had him circumcised bc I was too ignorant to know there was an option, that's what I would do.
you know, that's funny was just thinking this morning that I'd write a nasty letter to my OB who performed the circ (gosh, how freakin stupis WAS I?) about how uninformed I was about it, and that it was her ethical responsibility to tell me that it was 1. an unecessary painful surgery 2. to cut off a normal natural useful body part.
Not to get anything out of it, just to make a point. kwim? Is it really possible to sue? Hasn't that been done before and lost?
post #8 of 32
There was a case in North Dakota not too long ago. A woman sued the hospital and doctor where her son was circ'ed. The circ turned out just fine - no complications, but when she later learned more about the procedure, she felt like she hadn't received enough information to give an infomred consent.

She lost.
post #9 of 32
I'm so sorry your family was abused by the medical system. I always say that doctors are the ones truly responsible for the whole circumcision thing.

I think your pain will ease when you get involved with the intactivist (anti-circ) movement. Some upcoming day you will talk a mother out of circ'ing her baby, and it will make you feel pretty good. It's like the good you do cancells out a little of the bad. You will always regret the decision you made for your son, but it will wane. It is like a grieving process, you heal over time, but always miss the person (or foreskin) that is gone forever.

*Hugs*

Edited to add that I totally support writing a letter to the doc who circ'ed your son telling him/her exactly how you feel about it. It will help you release some tension and guilt. And I want to suggest sticking the anti-circ icon in your siggy. You are anti-circ, you can use it.
post #10 of 32
Oh Becky~ huge to you Mama.
the pps are so right and I just have to echo the sentiment 'when we know better, we do better'.
you are an amazing Mama to your Sweet Babe! i hope you are able to give over this guilt and find peace soon . there are many things in my life that i regret, and they are things that could truly consume me if I let them, in fact there have been times when they have its a horrid way to spend precious moments, precious time .
Each day we try to do the best we can and 'when we know better, we do better'
be gentle with yourself Mama. give yourself some of your motherly love and understanding.
post #11 of 32
Oh, yeah, and I just remembered something... I wrote a letter to the hospital after I gave birth to my son. The hospital had stuck the circ consent form in with the stack of paperwork they had me fill out when I got there in labor. I wrote them about the consent process being really uninformed, and that I already had no circ in my birth plan, which they had a copy of. I also made a point of it being wierd to HAVE to decline an elective cosmetic surgery. The hospital actually changed its policy because of my letter. I don't know exactly what they do now, but they took the consent form out of the standard paperwork.
post #12 of 32
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by QueenOfThePride
And I want to suggest sticking the anti-circ icon in your siggy. You are anti-circ, you can use it.
good idea- done!
post #13 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deva33mommy

you know, that's funny was just thinking this morning that I'd write a nasty letter to my OB who performed the circ (gosh, how freakin stupis WAS I?) about how uninformed I was about it, and that it was her ethical responsibility to tell me that it was 1. an unecessary painful surgery 2. to cut off a normal natural useful body part.
Not to get anything out of it, just to make a point. kwim? Is it really possible to sue? Hasn't that been done before and lost?
If it were me, I'd seriously look into suing, but that's because that's how and where I feel that my anger and activism would be best served. It would be time consuming, most likely expensive, and mentally and emotionally taxing and frustrating, but that's just how I think I'd feel my time and energy were best spent (but who knows how I would feel if I really were in your shoes? this is really just speculation).

You might find your anger and sadness best directed in some other arena and in a different manner....in the letter you mentioned writing, in becoming very acitve in nocirc or some other anti-circ organization like someone else mentioned, in discussing the topic with local Lamaze classes or parenting groups, or even in just hounding the crap out of every pregnant woman you see (especially if you happened to be standing outside the doors of the local hospital or your ob/gyn clinc.....heh) until they decide to look further into the topic.

The point is that you'll feel much better about things if you become active in the anti-circumcision movement. You are absolutely right, it WAS the responsibility of your OB to let you know what the deal was with circumcisions.....here's the thing, though.....if he or she really informed you of the truth (thereby acknowledging the truth themselves), they wouldn't be doing circumcisions in the first place. I think I saw recently that the Journal of Medical Ethics published a piece on circumcisions....maybe you could include that in your letter. And then ask her wtf in the world she could know about male anatomy considering that she has certification and training only in female anatomy......eh, but don't get me started....
post #14 of 32
Great ideas above. I just wanted to say, no flames here - I thank my lucky stars every day that I learned the truth about circ before I had a son. And that my parents only had girls because we would have been circed for sure if we'd been boys.

My dad was born in 1938, made it to adulthood intact, but then chose to be circed while he was serving in Viet Nam at age 28 or so. The story I always heard was "infections" (something to do with the jungle ) but now as an adult my theory is that he gave in to peer pressure. My point is, having grown up with the idea that dad had to be circed as an adult because of "infections," I always thought that foreskins were disease prone, yucky, etc. I never slept with any intact men either so I had no basis for comparison.

But for finding Mothering.com and this board while I was pregnant, I might have circed my son under the well-meaning but entirely misinformed notion that I would be sparing him the trauma of adult circ.

So what I'm saying is, there but for the grace of dog go I in your shoes, and you won't get any flames from me.

I am becoming more active in the anti-circ movement precisely because I want to spare not only baby boys but also their parents the pain and guilt of circ.

post #15 of 32
There is a place in this movement where the truth hits you and you "get it," if you research and think about it enough. It's becomes so obvious that you can't imagine that you didn't think about it before.

It's like going to a morning matinee movie. Inside, it's all cool, dark and comfortable. The movie ends and you step out into the noonday sun, into the blinding white light. It's so obvious that it's blinding so that you can't see anything else until your eyes adjust. But eventually, they will adjust and you will be able to see clearly. Likewise, your mind must adjust to the blinding white light of the truth of circumcision and it will. It will just take a while.



Frank
post #16 of 32
Frank, for me that moment hit the day Dustin Evans' death was reported in the paper. Up to that point I was "pro-parental choice", even though my own sons were intact.

It had simply never occurred to me that a perfectly normal, healthy baby could actually DIE from circ complications. That single event threw me face-first off the fence and into the strongly anti-circ camp.
post #17 of 32


for being anti-circ now.

If you want to pursue the sueing route, have you thought about sueing not for money, but simply to get the word out? Sorry if someone already mentioned that idea, I haven't read all the posts.

~Nay
post #18 of 32
Think of it this way - if you do start telling others what you know now, you can save other boys. You won't have prevented your sons circ, but you can prevent the circ of other boys to balance out your circ karma so to speak.

Also I'm sure some moms & dads would be more willing to listen to someone coming from the 'I did it and regretted it' - I'm thinking of someone who might see a typical intact-son mama as being 'holier than thou' or just wacky/crunchy/granola (insert your name of choice for informed people who actually think about what they do.) - maybe you could convince someone who wouldn't be convinced by someone else.

Thanks for sharing that you wish you had been told and that it would have made a difference to you. I am very hesitant about discussing the topic with pregnant friends or other family because I hate the conflict, and I already have that crunchy granola label on me. I try to lead by example, but its hard to do for circing because its not like everyone examines and discusses my sons penis at family parties.
post #19 of 32
Please listen to me. You haven’t done anything wrong as a parent. Just made one bad decision for your son. Remember we all are human we all make mistakes. Cant change the past. But you can change other peoples opinions of circumcision. Tell other people that want to know more about it. As to why you were wrong about your decision. It might help. Look in the mirror. Do you see a hate full mother who intentionally hurt your child. Or do you see a very caring mother who only wanted the best for her son. Who did everything she knew about it to find out whether it was the right decision. Who did it cause she cared about her son. The second part is the way I see you. A very carrying mother that feels bad about her decision. Its obvious who you are and you should be proud to be who you are. Coming to grips that you made a mistake and actually admitting it! That takes allot to do. I am sure I probably would not been as strong as you are.
post #20 of 32
to you
It is so painful to hear of a momma's regret.
I too am grateful to hear that you wish your friend had talked to you. It somehow opens the path to sharing more out of love and concern than imposing on another.
Be gentle with yourself, you need loving too!
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