Originally Posted by bamamom
OMG lilyka, i cracked up laughing when i saw you post on here. i have seen some of your posts, and was laughing to see you join us,
I'd love to be a fly on the wall in your marriage, you are very outspoken!@! Welcome aboard!! I hope we all get to be good friends
well if I am going to have a gentle and quiet spirit with my dh I need to come somewhere and run my mouth :LOL
IRL I am actually very quiet, shy, reserved, avoid conflict and cry easily. I have thin skin and prefer to act than speak. Especially when I am around my dh.
DH and I have been going through a lot of stuff. I was conviceted about submission last August (and I thought I was doing pretty good :LOL I had a lot to learn but I was a work in progress) and then ordered Created to be His Helpmeet. while I was waiting for it to come I found out dh had a special female friend. book came, read it loved it. 6 weeks later I found out they were more than friends. (considered burning the book) if my heart had not been precisely where it was I would have walked out. I got bootcamp learning about the difference between doormat and submissive (and I wish for the life of me I could articulate the difference). but I have been given a crash course on dissernment between the two and prayerfuly consider every word before speaking it to my dh (we don't talk much but I am praying a whole lot more
) and wait on God's direction before moving forward. it is painful in so many ways. fortunately (well ya know) I have a friend who is going through the exact same thing so it is good to sort of compare notes with her and what God has shown her and what God has shown me. funny he is showing both of us the same things.
She just does a lot better at applying it.
Anyway, I am completely sold on submitting. and I always have been. I believe it was in my wedding vows. And I thought I was applying it pretty well but I am a control freak in my mariage. the right way to do it has always been obvious to me and therefore I felt justified telling my dh how to do the marriage thing, the parent thing etc . . . .It has been really hard for me to step back and let him lead. It has also been hard for me to accept that him as he is, with all his faults and however bad it is, and know that him and all his faults are better than no him at all. even though somedays I want to push him off a cliff and have no him at all.
And he doesn't lead. at all. he works 60-70 hours a week and when he does have precious free time he will spend it anywhere but with us. (which is why I have almost 9000 posts). but that does not entitle me to usurp his athourity. which is tough. however he has given me a lot of responsibility by way of parenting etc (actualy he is probably still scared to give me his opinion)
it has also taken a lot of pressure off me. I am not responsible for my dhs spiritual state (yet he will be help responsible for mine - wouldn't want to trade place with him). His vas was a huge thing for me. I was crushed. devistated. not because I wanted more chidlren ( i did on one level but in reality the way this marriage is now definitely not) but because I have very strong convictions on birth control. Convictions that were a deal breaker for me when we got married. and I had to consent to this without a trace of bitterness or resentment. I had to. all of a sudden it was just clear to me. They are his boys, his surgery. he paid for it with his money (this is also a place I have been given so much peace - he works it is his money, I don't have to worry about weather or not he is being a good steward so long as I am being one with the resources I am given). It is his family and his children and his arrows missing from his quiver. if there as any sin here it was completely on him. It isn't my sin and I need not worry about weather or not this is a sin. it is none of my business. it is between him and God. yay. That whole thing (for any area I htink my dh is off in) is so freeing. I don't have to nag him. change him, judge him or even worry about him. if I am concerned I take it prayerfuly to God and leave it at that. BUt I had better make sure my heart is right.
As far as teh vas goes i guess I figure if god changes his heart on the wanting more children thing A) that really will be enough. All I have ever wanted here was a heart that seeks to please God rather than self. b) if he can change a heart a vas reversal is nothing.
anyway it is late and I can ramble on about al the cool ways I have changed in the last year.